Heaven or Hell?

Shamus · 08-15-2006, 07:39 AM

My apology should the following somehow offend, I do not mean for it to do so however give in the often heated subject matter I may well have inadvertantly; though I believe it to be no less offensive than an old episode of MASH. Please tell me any advice, criticisms and opinions that you may have after reading through this story, thank you ahead of time.

Heaven or Hell?

Page One (5 Panels)

Panel 1: The barrel of a fully loaded carbine is viewed from the front and from below through the eyes of HARUT; a man kneeled onto the ground in the middle of a crowded middle eastern city street, assorted busted cars lining the way. It appears to be daytime, the buildings appear battle scarred and of stone build, large portions missing from air raids and assorted bombings, the people looking onwards in curiosity at the commotion, fires brewing off in the distance. The individual wielding the carbine, MICHAEL appears to have a large black beard long black hair and white turban, his eyes a squinted brown, the rest of him covered in a loose white shirt and pants, many scars riddle his face just as they do the terrain.

1 CAP: Death awaits me a barrel away. My only chance; try and stall for some time…

2 HARUT: Michael! Michael my friend, do not believe what Gabriel has said, I am no traitor to the cause, believe me I hate the western invaders as much as any for poisoning our society with their heathenness ways!

Panel 2: A close up of Michael’s face is shown from the front somewhat from below; showing him to look angered and betrayed tears of rage beginning to roll down his eyes.

3 MICHAEL: NO, NO YOU LIE! You…you are not my friend; you are a spy, a traitor, sent here to kill me by the American military.

Panel 3: A close up of Michael’s right eye is shown more enraged than ever before as in its reflection Harut may finally be seen in full. He is shown as being a Middle Eastern man in his late 20’s bearing long black hair and a short black beard his eyes black as well. He is down upon his knee’s as he wears similar attire to that of Michael, hands pressed upon the ground.

4 CAP: Come on what the hell could be taking you guys so fucking long. You have a jeep, drive faster…

5 MICHAEL: You do this to me after all I have done for you…you ungrateful infidel…you do not deserve life, and to think…to think I thought of you as a friend, as a brother!

6 HARUT: Wait Michael please let me just explain…

Panel 4: Michael is now shown once more from Harut’s original point of view, eyes closed shaking his head in disapproval as mean whiles Harut’s arms reach outwards grasping for mercy he will not receive.

7 MICHAEL: No…no more lies. Good-bye Harut, may Allah be more merciful than I in your judgment…

8 HARUT: MICHAEL NO DON’T!!!

Panel 5: A close up of a blood splattered road shown closely from above, a head shaped shadow lingering to the side a bullet shaped hole located between the location of it’s eyes.

9 SFX: BANG

Page Two (3 Panels)

Panel 1: Two bright white lights are shown from the front off in the distance shining through the blackness.

Panel 2: The two lights have approached further beginning to reveal them selves to be attractive young women both of around the age sixteen, one bearing long straight flickering blond hair, MUNKAR the other long curled white hair, NAKIR, both garbed in what appears to be long white robes. They appear to be emitting shimmering white auras around them as attached to their backs appear to be flapping angelic wings, though no halo appears present. As before the rest of the panel appears pitch black.

Panel 3: Soon the young girls are shown up close from the front as the blond haired one appears to bear blue eyes the white haired one green eyes. Both outstretch their hands as to assist in what appears to be the lifting of the rotting arms of a skeletal corpse covered in a torn ground infantry uniform; a look of kindness and compassion upon the women’s faces. It appears this is the individual through whose perspective this has all been witnessed.

Page Three (4 panels)

Panel 1: A large fissure emitting a column of white light is displayed from the front opening alongside a tombstone that’s name appears obscured from the light, as rain pours on downwards from black storm clouds up ahead, in the distance row upon row of tombstones atop a hill.

Panel 2: The angelic women from before are shown emerging from the fissure, wings flapping whiles bearing in their hands the arms of a partially decomposed skeletal corpse bearing a tattered ground infantry uniform complete even with flak helmet. His eyes appear to have not yet decomposed as they are currently rolled backwards in his head revealing all white, though much the rest of him has, his skeletal jaw wide open.

Panel 3: The face of the skeletal soldier is shown from the front up close as his eyes roll back into their natural position, mouth wide open nose cavity exposed, strands of black hair still falling downwards from the bottom of the black helmet as still the bullet hole resides raised above the center of the soldiers eyes.

10 HARUT: Shit my head, felt like someone drilled a nail right through my skull…hey wait a second…

Panel 4: Harut can now be viewed from behind at an angle, his hands now firmly gripping at the green grass below as he stares onwards upon his knees at his own tombstone. It depicts the name Harut Ali. No longer present are either the light emitting from the grave or the angelic women whom raised Harut from beyond the grave.

11 HARUT: THEY DID! FUCK!

Knuckles · 08-15-2006, 11:37 AM

Wow, this was very well written. You have a great description of the panels with excellent angles worked into the overall description of the panels. This is just very well written. I would just watch about your commas on the last two pages. You seem to be missing some, but this is great overall. And I was not offend at all.

08-15-2006, 07:39 AM	#1
Shamus Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 7	Heaven or Hell? My apology should the following somehow offend, I do not mean for it to do so however give in the often heated subject matter I may well have inadvertantly; though I believe it to be no less offensive than an old episode of MASH. Please tell me any advice, criticisms and opinions that you may have after reading through this story, thank you ahead of time. Heaven or Hell? Page One (5 Panels) Panel 1: The barrel of a fully loaded carbine is viewed from the front and from below through the eyes of HARUT; a man kneeled onto the ground in the middle of a crowded middle eastern city street, assorted busted cars lining the way. It appears to be daytime, the buildings appear battle scarred and of stone build, large portions missing from air raids and assorted bombings, the people looking onwards in curiosity at the commotion, fires brewing off in the distance. The individual wielding the carbine, MICHAEL appears to have a large black beard long black hair and white turban, his eyes a squinted brown, the rest of him covered in a loose white shirt and pants, many scars riddle his face just as they do the terrain. 1 CAP: Death awaits me a barrel away. My only chance; try and stall for some time… 2 HARUT: Michael! Michael my friend, do not believe what Gabriel has said, I am no traitor to the cause, believe me I hate the western invaders as much as any for poisoning our society with their heathenness ways! Panel 2: A close up of Michael’s face is shown from the front somewhat from below; showing him to look angered and betrayed tears of rage beginning to roll down his eyes. 3 MICHAEL: NO, NO YOU LIE! You…you are not my friend; you are a spy, a traitor, sent here to kill me by the American military. Panel 3: A close up of Michael’s right eye is shown more enraged than ever before as in its reflection Harut may finally be seen in full. He is shown as being a Middle Eastern man in his late 20’s bearing long black hair and a short black beard his eyes black as well. He is down upon his knee’s as he wears similar attire to that of Michael, hands pressed upon the ground. 4 CAP: Come on what the hell could be taking you guys so fucking long. You have a jeep, drive faster… 5 MICHAEL: You do this to me after all I have done for you…you ungrateful infidel…you do not deserve life, and to think…to think I thought of you as a friend, as a brother! 6 HARUT: Wait Michael please let me just explain… Panel 4: Michael is now shown once more from Harut’s original point of view, eyes closed shaking his head in disapproval as mean whiles Harut’s arms reach outwards grasping for mercy he will not receive. 7 MICHAEL: No…no more lies. Good-bye Harut, may Allah be more merciful than I in your judgment… 8 HARUT: MICHAEL NO DON’T!!! Panel 5: A close up of a blood splattered road shown closely from above, a head shaped shadow lingering to the side a bullet shaped hole located between the location of it’s eyes. 9 SFX: BANG Page Two (3 Panels) Panel 1: Two bright white lights are shown from the front off in the distance shining through the blackness. Panel 2: The two lights have approached further beginning to reveal them selves to be attractive young women both of around the age sixteen, one bearing long straight flickering blond hair, MUNKAR the other long curled white hair, NAKIR, both garbed in what appears to be long white robes. They appear to be emitting shimmering white auras around them as attached to their backs appear to be flapping angelic wings, though no halo appears present. As before the rest of the panel appears pitch black. Panel 3: Soon the young girls are shown up close from the front as the blond haired one appears to bear blue eyes the white haired one green eyes. Both outstretch their hands as to assist in what appears to be the lifting of the rotting arms of a skeletal corpse covered in a torn ground infantry uniform; a look of kindness and compassion upon the women’s faces. It appears this is the individual through whose perspective this has all been witnessed. Page Three (4 panels) Panel 1: A large fissure emitting a column of white light is displayed from the front opening alongside a tombstone that’s name appears obscured from the light, as rain pours on downwards from black storm clouds up ahead, in the distance row upon row of tombstones atop a hill. Panel 2: The angelic women from before are shown emerging from the fissure, wings flapping whiles bearing in their hands the arms of a partially decomposed skeletal corpse bearing a tattered ground infantry uniform complete even with flak helmet. His eyes appear to have not yet decomposed as they are currently rolled backwards in his head revealing all white, though much the rest of him has, his skeletal jaw wide open. Panel 3: The face of the skeletal soldier is shown from the front up close as his eyes roll back into their natural position, mouth wide open nose cavity exposed, strands of black hair still falling downwards from the bottom of the black helmet as still the bullet hole resides raised above the center of the soldiers eyes. 10 HARUT: Shit my head, felt like someone drilled a nail right through my skull…hey wait a second… Panel 4: Harut can now be viewed from behind at an angle, his hands now firmly gripping at the green grass below as he stares onwards upon his knees at his own tombstone. It depicts the name Harut Ali. No longer present are either the light emitting from the grave or the angelic women whom raised Harut from beyond the grave. 11 HARUT: THEY DID! FUCK!

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08-15-2006, 11:37 AM	#2
Knuckles FEAR ME! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Denver, CO USA Posts: 3,043	Wow, this was very well written. You have a great description of the panels with excellent angles worked into the overall description of the panels. This is just very well written. I would just watch about your commas on the last two pages. You seem to be missing some, but this is great overall. And I was not offend at all.