Souldriver Book 2

[j giar]

Took a weeks vacation and came back a writing fool. Or maybe just a fool. This is the first three pages of book 2. Unlike book 1, which I just went in wrote and backtracked, segmenting the story into pages and panels. I'm trying this a little more controlled, even though I'm doing the artwork.
Sorry, forgot to mention. There is foul language. So if you'll be offended...don't read it.

SOULDRIVER Book 2
PAGE 1
This is an opening segment. Page one and two are all panoramic panels. Each page is made up of 6 panels.
PANEL 1: Close up of a hand and finger as it holds a bullet.
Caption/ Voice over: “So how many you got left?”
PANEL 2: Close up of a two clips in the palm of a left hand.
Caption1:“I got two full ones left..that’s it.”
Caption2: “Fuck!”
Caption1:”What about you?”
PANEL 3: Fingers sliding a shell into the cylinder of a 357mag.snub nose.
Caption: “I got seven shells brutha…seven.”
Caption: “Well that definitely is not enough. There’s a whole lot fuckin more of them than that.”
PANEL 4: Fingers continue loading into the cylinder.
Caption: “Any ideas?”
Caption: “Nope! Pretty much figured on beating them to death with my guns when I run out of bullets.”
PANEL 5: A hand holds an automatic in the left hand, slapping a clip into the handle. We a slight angle to the right hand.
Caption: “Heh, well at least that’s somethin of a plan.”
Caption:”Yeah..yeah!”
PANEL 6: The hand holds the gun up pulling the slide back.
Caption:” How long for you think they’ll charge us?”
SFX: SCHACK! (Slide being pulled back.)
Caption: “I don’t know 15 minutes…maybe half hour. We took out a shit load of’em.
It’ll take’m a while to regenerate.”


PAGE 2
(Again, comprised of 6 panoramic panels.)

PANEL1: We continue to watch the hand feed shells into the, now half full, chamber.
Caption: “Think she’ll make it in time?”
Caption: “Was kind of hoping she’d be here by now.”
PANEL2: Loading
Caption: “Just really no good time for a gunfight..Is there?
Caption: “Hehh hhuh. No!..No there’s not.”
PANEL3: We see a lap with one of the loaded automatics lying across it. In the right hand another automatic as the clip is slapped into place. The right hand is bandaged around the palm with a make shift tourniquet. We can see blood stains on the knuckle side of the hand.
Caption: “Did you hear that? Listen.”
Caption: “What.”
Caption: “SShh..listen.”
PANEL4: Silent panel.
PANEL5: Close up of the other automatic as the slide is pulled back.
Caption: “I don’t hear anything. Why don’t you stick that big melon head of yours out there and take a peek.”
SFX: SCHACK!
Caption: “Fuck you! I’d rather piss glass. You fuckin check bitch.”
PANEL6: The right hand holding the automatic begins to trickle blood down to the fingers.
Caption1: Laughter
Caption2: Laughter..ahhwwow.!

PAGE 3:
This is a full page shot of both Frank Voiturier and Andre Markus. They are both sitting on the floor their backs against the wall, heads resting back. Their knees are bent, hands draped over them. A large wooden door separates them, Frank on the right and Andre on the left. In each hand Frank holds 45 automatics. Blood is trailing down the right hand and covering his fingers. Andre holds the snub nosed magnum in his right hand. Both Andre and Frank are dressed in black suits and ties with white collared shirts. Blood splatters can be seen on the stark white shirts. Both look exhausted and are both heavily wounded and bleeding.
The walls are old plaster and wood lathe. Some of the plaster is missing, exposing the slats of wood beneath. Bullet holes can be seen all over the walls and thru the door. Both Andre and Frank are in black suits and ties with white collared shirts. Spent bullet casings are littered all over the floor, as well as empty weapons. Automatic rifles, shotgun, handguns are strew about with broken glass and trash.
Caption/ Andre: “You alright?”

[jedipencil]

Hey, pretty nasty! I can't critique your writing, so I hope I am not wasting space...all I can say is I'd like to read more! When's the artwork coming up?

[kshah777]

Good stuff, man... I like the dialogue, and I could really see this flowing on a page. You've got a good hook going on, so keep it up!

[j giar]

Originally Posted by jedipencil

Hey, pretty nasty! I can't critique your writing, so I hope I am not wasting space...all I can say is I'd like to read more! When's the artwork coming up?

Jedi, you're opinion's never a waste of space....I value your opinion no matter what. As far as artwork, this is for book 2, which I had hit me while on vacation. It was a scene that just came to me and I decide to use it to open book 2. I have book 1 fully layed out and just need to do finishing pencils and inks. I have a great writer that I met here on this board, who's opinion I value temendously also, looking it over helping see the flaws. I'll be posting some of the artwork from book 1 soon. Thanks again Jedi. Hope the computer's working now...yes?

[j giar]

Originally Posted by kshah777

Good stuff, man... I like the dialogue, and I could really see this flowing on a page. You've got a good hook going on, so keep it up!

Thanks kshah! Glad you like the opening. Like I said, this script is much more structured than book 1. Which was written more as notes to myself than anything. If you read the script to book 1 your eyes would bleed!

[Knuckles]

This is interesting and I would like to read more, so your hook worked on me.

I just have a couple of crits.

Originally Posted by j giar

PANEL 5: A hand holds an automatic in the left hand, slapping a clip into the handle. We a slight angle to the right hand.

I think your missing a word here.

Originally Posted by j giar

Caption:” How long for you think they’ll charge us?”

This dialogue does not sound right to me.

Originally Posted by j giar

PANEL4: Silent panel.

I have no clue what is suppose to be shown here.

Originally Posted by j giar

Both Andre and Frank are in black suits and ties with white collared shirts.

You state the above sentence twice on page 3.

[j giar]

Thanks Knuckles! I had already changed most of what you had pointed out. The silent panel is a shot of the 357 being loaded but stopping as they listen for the noise. Again I'm doing the artwork...so I keep forgetting to add the details for those that can't see inside my head....not that you'd want to. Thanks for taking the time to crit.

[Knuckles]

Originally Posted by j giar

Thanks Knuckles! I had already changed most of what you had pointed out. The silent panel is a shot of the 357 being loaded but stopping as they listen for the noise. Again I'm doing the artwork...so I keep forgetting to add the details for those that can't see inside my head....not that you'd want to. Thanks for taking the time to crit.

Oh didn't know you are the artist too, then who cares what you write as long as you understand it.

[j giar]

Thanks Knuckles....Yeah I'm the artist to..but I'm trying a more controlled form of script writing..instead of a loose form that I've been using.

[Romaine]

Three pages isn't much to build a critique on, but so far so good. The dialogue is natural and I definitely want to read more. A few errors here and there but nothing major. The "big melon head" thing was funny.

I'm also writing and illustrating my own book, so my heart goes out to ya. Good luck with it, and I hope to see more.

~Max Romaine

[j giar]

Originally Posted by Romaine

Three pages isn't much to build a critique on, but so far so good. The dialogue is natural and I definitely want to read more. A few errors here and there but nothing major. The "big melon head" thing was funny.

I'm also writing and illustrating my own book, so my heart goes out to ya. Good luck with it, and I hope to see more.

~Max Romaine

Thanks MAx! Good Luck with your project as well. Any chance of us seeing it on here at DW?...never mind. I read your script. About the woman giving birth.
NIce story!