|06-16-2006, 06:00 AM||#1|
Join Date: Apr 2005
Sample Script for Critique
TITLE: I can't think of one yet, because the script is still in development.
SYNOPSIS: Strange things are happening and stranger events are bringing a set of loosely connected characters over the brutal killing of a boy's parent.
Panel 1: Long shot of a city at night with sparse lighting from the windows of the skyscrapers.
CAPS: Dead things only walk in the night, or so people believe. They wander with their eyes shut...
Panel 2:Bird-eye view of an alleyway with shimmering puddles and the silhouette of a man running toward us with his clothes flying in the air. The man is clutching a fat file to his chest.
CAPS: ...running away from the memories of what killed them...
Panel 3: Close-up shot of an unlaced boot, torn boot splashing into a puddle.
CAPS: ...for fear of resurrecting the evils within the bright light.
Panel 4: Medium shot of the upper half of a man as he turns in shock in the direction of something off-panel. He is bespectacled and has a grimy-looking face.
CAPS: The bright light that holds the reason why we live and die...
O/P VOICE: Stan!
Panel 5: Close shot of an explosion hitting Stan in the face. The explosion spans half the panel.
CAPS: ...live & die...
Panel 6: Bird-eye view of Stan lying on his face with the file knocked askew and its content (papers) flying in the air in circles.
caps: ...until we can die to more.
Panel 1: Bird-eye view of a room furnished with a small bed, chair, a table, and a wardrobe - all at the lower bottom of the panel. A 7yrs old boy with a bandage across an eye is huddled beside the foot of the bed with the bedspread intertwined with his legs. The floor is littered with drawings of stickmen characters. At the top of the panel is a security officer with an opened door for a 40-something years old doctor. The officer has a walkie-talkie in one hand and a gun in his holster.
CAPS: Gawd, I don't want to be here; three straight months of therapy, one damn failure and a blasted call in the dead of the night.
OFFICER: Anything else, doc?
DR. EVANS: Not for the moment, Officer Prescott
Panel 2: Medium shot of Evansí astride legs in the F/G as he stoops and pick up one of the drawings before him. In the B/G, the boy looks at him apprehensively.
CAPS: This job's all messed up, not one descent smoke in a week. Six corpses, one fugitive suspect, one dumb witness and four murder attempts. Darn them. My name is Evans, Doctor Evans...
DR. EVANS: Cappuccino, please!
DR. EVANS (MUTTER): Something for these darn nerves.
SFX: Slamming of door
Panel 3: Worm-eye view of Officer Prescott standing outside the room with a hand on the shut doorknob. There is a perplexed look on his face as he stares down his empty holster. There is a voice coming from the walkie-talkie in the other hand.
CAPS:... and I must be the most desperate man for a fag on Earth tonight. A simple draught of what I warn others not to take...
PRESCOTT (THOUGHT): Now where the f**k's did I drop Maggie?
TALKIE: Warning sector 967, security breach
Panel 4: Medium shot of Prescott's swift body movement from left to right. He gasps at us.
CAPS: A simple draught, but some things are never as simple as thought
Panel 5: Long shot of Evans squatting in the F/G with a drawing in one hand. Mark is in the B/G, while the littered drawings serve as the M/G.
CAPS: False hopes and patched lines, that's what this job's all about. You don't necessarily need to be ill, I make you feel better to get paid. I take away reality and give them fiction to live in
EVANS: Is this what happened Mark?
Panel 6: Headshot of Mark grinning broadly at us.
CAPS: Smokescreens, mirrors and fireworks...
MARK: If you want, I'll show you how they died
SPLASH PAGE: A bloodstained Colt.45 and an empty shell rest on disarrayed pile of drawings depicting gruesome, stickmen death scenes.
CAPS: Until the NYPD found six corpses in the ruins of a churchyard and a traumatized boy who had witnessed the brutal murder of his parents. The only clue at the scene of crime was a crampled piece of paper with the words: ONE OF US, scrawled across. The force conjectured that the killer must have left the boy alone
Panel 1: Medium shot of Evans wrenching the door open.
CAPS: ... for the moment.
Panel 2: View of a long corridor. In the F/G is a chair with Prescott's hat on it and the walkie talkie lying at the feet of the chair. In the M/G and the B/G are hastily abandoned uniforms strewing the floor.
Panel 3: Medium shot. In the F/G is Dr. Evans with his back to us, looking frightfully over his shoulder at an O/P distraction.
CAPS: There's nothing as damning as being alone...
Panel 4: Close shot of Evan's head.
CAPS: surrounded by death and the resti8ve spirits of the estranged victims.
Panel 5: Part of Evans' body is visible in the F/G, still with his back to us, but away from the door now. In the B/G is Mark still in the same posture with the same grin stretched across his face. He is holding the gun now, and shots it at Evans. On the wall behind him is Officer Prescott seemingly mummified in a head-down position.
Panel 1: A black, blank panel.
O/P VOICE: Dr. Evans?
Panel 2: Medium shot view of Evans staring at himself in the mirror. He is holding the sides of the washbasin for support. His face is moist; his hair pasted to his forehead and his eyes looks drawn. Behind him, in the M/G is Inspector Mann, a man in his late 50s. The B/G has a partly opened door.
CAPS: "Where am I?"
MANN: Are you sure, you can do this Evans - Mr. Songs - whoever you are? The kid's awake now, so...
EVANS: Just a minute.
Panel 3: Side view of Evans hunched over the basin.
CAPS: I can see where I am, but am I really where I think I am, or who I am?
MANN (O/P): Don't get too personal about this again, Evans - Songs -All we need is the pictures.
Panel 4: Medium shot of Evans splashing water on his face in the F/G. In the M/G, Mann is at the partly opened door. In the B/G is the silhouette of a security officer.
CAPS: Is that my name- Dr. Evans, Mr. Songs? - Another hangover, a bad hair day, I guess.
MANN: Remember, you'll only be Dr. Evans for the next hour, then it's back to the same ol' Songs again, but a lot richer.
Panel 5: Bird-eye view of the toilet. Mann is gone. The door is shut. Evans remains in the same position.
CAPS: Mann, I don't know who the f**k I am now. Am I impersonating Dr. Evans or Mr. Songs? I wonder what happened to the real one.
MANN (O/P WHISPER): Sergeant Prescott will assist you with his presence and the tools.
Panel 1: Medium shot of Evans shaking hands with a grinning security Officer, the same officer in page 2. Evans looks withdrawal.
CAPS: Was he warmly acknowledged too before been thrown in a body bag?
PRESCOTT: Dr. Evans, Sergeant Prescott. It's an honour to meet you, heard a lot about your magical hands.
DR. EVANS: Hum
PRESCOTT (WHISPER): Act it with a damnable grin on your freaking face, prick.
Panel 2: Long shot of Prescott leading Evans away. They have their back to us. An elderly woman in flowery gown dash passes them.
CAPS: Or did they just wipe out his identity with a million dollars.
PRESCOTT: Now, that's way better.
Panel 3: Bird-eye view of Prescott leaving Evans behind a door.
CAPS: Just like mine?
PRESCOTT: After tonight Songs, we'll be even.
Panel 4: Medium shot of Evans with his ear to the door.
CAPS: I hate this job - who the hell am I?
PRESCOTT (O/P): What the f**k are you doing?
Panel 5: Worm-eye view of the door in the F/G. Prescott kicks open the door in the M/G, while Evans look startled in the B/G.
Panel 1: Half a page shot of a doctor in his mid sixties, on his knees beside a prone, bloodied masculine form on the floor, while Mark cowers to the wall in the B/G. To Mark's far right is a closet.
Panel 2: Headshot of Evans gasping in shock.
Panel 3: Headshot of Prescott horrified.
Panel 1: The elderly doctor's headshot, looking downcast.
DOCTOR: He is dead.
Panel 2: Medium shot of Prescott's infuriated movement as he draws a gun from his holster and points it O/P.
PRESCOTT (YELL): You make another sound and I swear, I'll blow your brains off!
Panel 3: Evans headshot, startled.
CAPS: I saw it coming.
EVANS: There's a kid here Prescott.
Panel 4: Prescott turns and cover Evans with the gun.
CAPS: But there was not knowing when the sh*t will hit the fan.
PRESCOTT: You too! I swear it, I'll blow yours off too! Move!
Panel 5: Long shot. In the F/G, Evans is moving towards the elderly doctor, while Prescott (in the B/G) covers him with his gun. The corpse is in the M/G.
PRESCOTT: Someone better start talking fast, now - you, why are you here?
Panel 6: Bird-eye view of all of them.
PRESCOTT: How conveniently convincing doctor...
Panel 1: Medium shot of the elderly doctor wearing an _expression on his face that was torn between a smile and a worried frown.
CAPS: That was when the world seemed to stop rotating and I'll forever remember the look on Prescott's face.
DOCTOR: Evans. Dr. Gilbert Evans.
Panel 2: Headshot of Prescott looking stunned.
CAPS: It was the face of a man who'd lost everything, but a loaded gun. Then...
Panel 3: Angle on Prescott, laughing.
CAPS: He laughed.
PRESCOTT: Hah ha heh! It could've been funnier...
Panel 4: Close up shot of the left hand side of Prescott's face. The look on his face is dark and malevolent.
PRESCOTT: If only I like antipyretic jokes.
Panel 5: A panel mirroring panel 4. However, we see the right hand side half of the elderly doctor's face looking petrified.
DOCTOR (WHISPER): Nooo
Panel 1: Medium shot of Prescott firing a shot at us.
P.S: The word is still in progress, I just wanna know what you guys make of it.
Last edited by Hammerix; 06-16-2006 at 01:27 PM.
|06-16-2006, 11:02 AM||#2|
(,,) =^_^= (,,) meow!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: philadelphia, pa
you have a lot of extreme shots. In some cases, it makes a point, in other areas, I've seen the same kind of shot (bird's eye) so many times that it does not have the proper fx that it should. The slpash page, Page 3, was a turn off for me. I understand you were trying to make a point with just having the gun and crime scene, but it would have been okay for you to have mini panels within the page. I'm kind of old school when it comes to the usage of splash pages, so don't think I'm just hatin' on you or somthing.
I suck when it comes to naming my stories and stuff like that, lol. It's good that you know how to move a camera around, but try not to use the same angels over and over. In some cases, a normal shot will tell your story better than something that is over the top.
|06-16-2006, 12:01 PM||#3|
I Coulda Had a VH
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Steve Buscemi's Couch
It is a good way to pique the reader's interest. Obviously there is a lot more going on than is in these few pages so far, so there is not much to comment on character and what not.
I assume this is starting out a bit disjointed for storytelling purposes and the idea is that it will gel over the course of the story...but there are a few places in the story so far where it gets pretty confusing. It is a good idea to try to entertain the artist and others who will read the actual script, but that needs to be balanced with simple communication of the story. The artist needs to know what is going on and why. He/she is your partner in telling the story. Characters are popping in and out and it looks like body swaps are occurring. The chaos is good for the story itself, but the people reading it at this level need to be in on everything.
You have two page 8s and then another page 7. It's a draft, but if you're not careful you'll misconstruct your story.
|06-18-2006, 07:57 AM||#4|
Join Date: Apr 2005
The story is still raw kinda. What I intended to do was to start the story on a fast pace...swirling the characters in the tempest of the altering reality around them, then gradually pace their understanding of this new reality