|05-25-2006, 05:17 AM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Spidey & Iron: Two for the Road
I decided to expand upon the three pager I did earlier, A Spider-Man Walks into a Bar, to help people understand the initial conflict more, and why certain characters are... where they are. I guess I could turn this into a full 22 pager since I have some material with Mary Jane and submit it to Marvel. I honestly need to gain experience in pitching to publishers, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can improve and kick my butt into doing that, I'd appreciate it.
Feel free to comment, crits are always welcomed, and enjoy the show!
SPIDER-MAN UNLIMITED - Marvel Enterprises, Inc.
"Two for the Road"
PAGE ONE (full page)
Panel 1. The hand of a suited IRON MAN is coming at you, with energy building in his palm. It looks sorta like a kung fu pose for Iron Man, with the hand in the left foreground and his helmet in the right background. Really in your face look.
1 IRON MAN: Trust me, Peter.
2 CAPTION: I think I just wet my pants.
3 IRON MAN: And donít move.
CREDITS: Two for the Road
Written by Mike Fish
Art by Brilliant Artist
PAGE TWO (three panels)
Panel 1. Up close on SPIDER-MAN, in his new red and gold costume built by Tony Stark. We see just his face and eyes with some ďspider-senseĒ tingling.
1 CAPTION: And Iím not joking either.
2 SPIDER-MAN: Whoa-Whoa-Whoa there just a minute!
Panel 2. Medium shot. Pretty much the same as the previous, only we see Spider-Man in full, sticking to a wall like a crouched spider.
3 CAPTION: And to think - I just bought these briefs on clearance at Stohlís for 70% off. It was a sale I couldnít believe.
4 SPIDER-MAN: Let me get this straight.
5 CAPTION: Ok. Thatís a lie. Mary Jane bought them.
6 SPIDER-MAN: Because I have to tell ya, this is a little hard to swallow.
7 CAPTION: But itís still more believable than this.
Panel 3. Side view. Spider-Man, left, back against the wall (ironic?) in Tonyís testing facility. Iron Man, right, probably about ten feet away, (yes, ten feet) holding his pose, and about to blast Spider-Man.
8 SPIDER-MAN: You want me to just sit here and not move a muscle while you blast me with your repulsor ray at that range?
9 IRON MAN: Yes. And I said to trust me.
PAGE THREE (three panels)
Panel 1. Up close on SPIDER-MAN with his hands up.
1 CAPTION: Wait. This is crazy.
2 SPIDER-MAN: Wait. This is crazy.
3 CAPTION: Echo.
Panel 2. Same as panel 1. Iron Man has fired the shot, and we see an exploding hole in the wall with Spider-Man dodging the blast.
4 SPIDER-MAN: Whoa Nelly!
Panel 3. Iron Man retracts his helmet to show TONY STARK underneath. Heís a little angry. More perturbed than anything. His armored hand is smoking from the blast.
5 TONY: Peter! What are you doing? I spent all day making some modifications on your suit, and the least you can do is work with me here.
PAGE FOUR (five panels)
Panel 1. Spider-Man is peeking out from behind a computer desk.
1 SPIDER-MAN: What Iím doing is instinctual, Tony. Iím protecting myself. What youíre doing is trying to kill me!
Panel 2. Tony, still in armor, but face uncovered, has hands out in a lecturing position.
2 TONY: What Iím trying to do is test the suit so that when something like this happens out there on the job, youíre prepared for it.
Panel 3. Spidey takes his mask off and we see a confused PETER from behind the desk. Heís still scared.
3 PETER: Did you know that most accidents happen on the way to the job, and usually after someone tells you to trust them?
4 CAPTION: God I love the internet.
Panel 4. Tony, up close, with a slightly disgusted look.
5 TONY: You read that off of Yahoo yesterday, didnít you?
Panel 5. Peter, up close, with an eyebrow sticking way up.
6 CAPTION: Wow. Heís good.
PAGE FIVE (four panels)
Panel 1. Tony looks behind him (background) along with Peter as a door opens. JARVIS, the butler, enters the room. (Foreground, far right side)
1 JARVIS: Sorry for the intrusion, Mr. Stark. Mr. Parker.
2 TONY: Yes, Jarvis. What is it?
Panel 2. Jarvis up close.
3 JARVIS: Mr. Stark, your four oíclock appointment has just arrived.
Panel 3. Peter rises to his feet behind Tony who is giving Jarvis the ďone secondĒ finger.
4 TONY: Just give me a minute while I finish up here with Peter.
5 PETER: Finish me off sounds more like it me.
Panel 4. Jarvis nods.
6 JARVIS: As you wish.
PAGE SIX (four panels)
Panel 1. Tony begins to armor down.
1 TONY: Weíre going to reconvene this exercise tomorrow at 9am sharp. Is that understood?
Panel 2. Tony, still armoring down, is extremely close in the right foreground as Peter looks at the back of Tonyís head with a look of ďI donít think soĒ written all over his face.
2 PETER: Iím sorry Tony. I really am, but I just donít feel comfortable doing this. Canít you get someone else to wear the suit and test it out?
Panel 3. Side view. Tony confronts Peter in a matter of fact kind of way. Peter has his hands up in confusion.
3 TONY: Thatís not the point of this exercise, Peter.
4 PETER: Then whatís the point? Tell me, please, because Iím not understanding.
Panel 4. Tony up close.
5 TONY: And thatís not an answer I can give you.
PAGE SEVEN (four panels)
Panel 1. Tony is about to leave when Peter begins to retaliate, pointing his finger at Tony.
1 PETER: You know, I was doing just fine before all this, Mr. Stark. Iíve battled countless idiots out there on my own. Why do I suddenly need you to blast a repulsor ray into my face?
Panel 2. Tony stops before the door, and responds, but doesnít look back.
2 TONY: Because you didnít have to fight them on your own, Peter. You have friends. And I asked you to trust me.
Panel 3. Peter, up close, is really caught up in this emotionally, thus no captions. His eyes are glassy.
3 PETER: Yeah, well, guess how many people Iíve trusted in my life, and then guess at how many of them are not with us today.
Panel 4. Peter walks past Tony out the door.
4 PETER: Thatís why I go it alone.
Panel 5. Tony, up close, looks a little worried about this argument.
5 TONY: 9am sharp, Peter.
Panel 6. Peterís at the end of the hall with Tony in the far background.
6 PETER (himself): Yeah, okay Dad.
PAGE EIGHT (six panels)
Panel 1. An empty shot glass sits at the bar with a hand hanging onto it. The Patron, named later, is supplying the captions.
1 CAPTION: Man... what did I do?
2 VOICE (O.S.): Hey buddy?
Panel 2. Patron POV. The BARTENDER holds a bottle of whiskey in one hand and points at his shot glass with the other. He has a curious face.
3 BARTENDER: You gonna stare at that glass all night, or are you gonna have another?
4 CAPTION: This guy must not like his job either.
Panel 3. PETER PARKER sits at the bar with his left hand in his hair. Heís frustrated, and a little buzzed, but not drunk. The Bartender pours another. A few other patrons make up the background playing a game of pool and one guy throwing darts.
5 PETER: Sorry. Yeah, one more.
Panel 4. Peter holds the shot glass up, and cheers the Bartender, whom has turned his back on Peter to dry some beer glasses.
6 PETER: Down the hatch.
7 BARTENDER: (quietly) Pansy.
Panel 5. Peter downs the shot.
Panel 6. Peter makes a funny face while absorbing the nasty burn of the whiskey.
8 PETER: Mmmm! Good!
9 CAPTION: Nasty.
PAGE NINE (six panels)
Panel 1. A cell phone on Peterís belt. Out of frame, Peter is twisting to check it.
1 CAPTION: Heís gonna keep calling until I answer it. Needy jerk.
Panel 2. WOMAN OTS. Peter stares at the bar with his hand back in his hair. A woman looks on, two seats down in the foreground, left.
2 WOMAN: You gonna answer that?
Panel 3. Same as Panel 2. Peter looks over at her.
3 PETER: Itís Saturday. Itís after six. And itís the boss. Would you?
Panel 4. Full shot of the woman. Sheís very attractive, with long black hair, and nice eyes. Probably just got off of work herself from the attorneyís office.
4 WOMAN: Depends on how attractive he is.
Panel 5. Peter up close. He smiles.
5 PETER: Thatís good. Real good.
6 CAPTION: Especially since my boss is Tony Stark, the richest guy in the country, and sleeps with at least two women a night.
Panel 6. A full view of the bar. Peter has his hands up as the Bartender stares him down again, holding the bottle of whiskey. (I donít think the bartender wants him in there, if you ask me.) The Woman takes a hit of her cigarette.
7 PETER: (to the Bartender) What???
PAGE TEN (seven panels)
Panel 1. The Woman has moved next to Peter now. She places her hand on his, and takes on the Bartenderís pushiness. Peter has his head down.
1 WOMAN: Listen Ted. Get my friend here a cola, put it on my tab, and Iíll take care of the rest. Sound good?
2 TED: Thanks, Susie.
Panel 2. Susie places her two fingers on Peterís chin to lift it up. Her eyes glare as he turns to meet them with his own.
3 SUSIE: Been a rough day?
4 PETER: Could say that.
5 SUSIE: This isnít the answer to your problem, Peter.
Panel 3. Peter swings his head as far up as he can. Kinda like a drunken ďWHAT?Ē look, but it looks more humorous than dramatic.
6 PETER: What? How did you know...?
7 SUSIE: Donít worry. Iím a friend.
Panel 4. Susie smiles as she leans with her elbow on the bar.
8 SUSIE: I called you a cab. Itís waiting outside, and youíre gonna take it, go home and sleep it off. Donít stop for anything, and donít answer the phone. Just sleep.
Panel 5. Peter has lifted his ass off the chair and looks to Susie.
9 PETER: Hey, Susie, itís ah... itís good to know thereís still good people out there.
10 SUSIE: No problem. Tomorrowís a new day.
Panel 6. Peter waves back as he is almost out the front exit door.
11 TED (O.S.): Iíve been trying to get that guy outta here all night. Howíd you do it?
Panel 7. Susie up close. She grins.
12 SUSIE: We have the same boss, and I know how it is. Believe me, I know how it is.
Last edited by bezelleo; 06-06-2006 at 06:39 PM.
|05-30-2006, 08:51 PM||#2|
Partner in Crime
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: UK, Manchester
Hi Mike. First of all, I'm still puzzling over whever Spiderman comes off in this as a little out of character, but I really couldn't give a damn, because I LOVED you're version. I loved the script. It was a blast (sorry, just had to. )
It was all good, but my favourite moments were the following:
The first page, damn cool, the story interested me straight away.
Page 4, Spiderman behind the desk, and the whole internet comments.
Page 7, Really cool, nice to see Peter get upset.
Pages 8-10, Pretty much perfect.
I do have some critiques, but they are mainly small niggles and my point of view, so, I say sorry in advance if I may seem a bit extreme:
3 CAPTION: And to think - I just bought these briefs on clearance at Stohlís for 70% off. It was a sale I couldnít believe
4. CAPTION: But I tell ya, it's a whole lot more believable than this.
5. SPIDERMAN: Let me get this straight. (omit the other stuff, and have this lead onto the other panel)
1. SPIDERMAN: This is crazy.
2. CAPTION: It's more than crazy! (that's a little weak, but you get the picture)
On a few occasions you're dialouge seems a little stretched out, or a few words in there that makes it seem off. Here are a couple of examples, but I won't go overboard, as I say to most, you'll probably notice it when you go to edit the script.
If you want to really establish and make clear to the reader the point about Stark being so close, then include the "at that range?" but I'd say definitely omit the "repulsor ray" comment.
5 TONY: Peter! What are you doing? I spent all day making modifications on that suit. The least you can do is work with me here.
Right, there you have it, a few niggles from my point of view. But I loved it, and this is coming from someone who stopped buying the Astonishing Spiderman (UK, US back issues) over 2 years ago. I felt it just got far too generic, and uninteresting. You're script, was far from that.