|05-09-2006, 02:47 PM||#1|
Ride the Walrus
Join Date: Apr 2006
GUTTER: Issue 3--Part 1
Here's the third issue of my ongoing punk rock adventure. Let me know what you guys think.
By GENE PARK
1. (EST. SHOT: EXT. POLICE STATION--NIGHT: The police station is several stories high. It's a menacing looking building because villains love to hang out in menacing looking places.)
2. (INT. COMMISSIONER CANDI'S OFFICE--NIGHT: Captain Kretz is standing in front of COMMISSIONER CANDI's desk, giving her his full attention.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI (off panel): I'll tell ya Kretz...this news? Not sittin' too well with my bowels right now.
3. (On Commissioner Candi, sitting at her desk. She's a tall, gangly woman with bleach blonde hair cut in a little boy's style. She's in her early 40's. Not ugly, but not attractive either. She's dressed in a man's button-up, short sleeve shirt and a neck tie. Her upper right arm is tattooed with a large boat anchor.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Simple thing I asked ya ta do: Go pick up my ex-girlfriend so that I could bully her into getting my dry-ass laid tonight, but instead ya had to go off and chase a bunch of underage girlies around town...
4. (CLOSE UP on the Commissioner who goes into overdramatic grieving.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: ...and now my poor Gerti is rotting away.
5. (The Commissioner rests her head in her hand, stressed and disappointed. Captain Kretz tries to remain calm.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Such a waste of good pussy.
KRETZ: Thatís not exactly what--
1. (Commissioner Candi looks at a framed picture that sheís holding.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: SHUSH! Iím in mourning.
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Oh Gerti. You were so good to me...ya loose-lipped ****.
2. (The Commissioner holds out the picture for Kretz to take.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Here! Take a look at the thing of beauty that ya helped to destroy!
3. (Kretz takes the picture and looks at it. We donít see the picture.)
KRETZ: This is a picture of you fornicating with an obese black woman.
4. (Commissioner Candi takes the picture back.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: That was Gerti before she got addicted to the crank.
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Now Captain, I can understand the need for ya ta use your authority ta get your tongue in the clam every now and again, but I cannot let your blatant disobedience go unpunished. Mama needs ta dish out a spankiní.
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Thatís why Iím assigning ya a partner until ya can learn ta play ball.
5. (On Kretz, looking hopeless.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI (off panel): Starting tonight youíll be riding along with my son, Petey.
KRETZ: Please no.
1. (Petey peeks into the office door. Heís an overweight 16-year-old, the kind of kid who looks like heíll never get a girl in his life. Heís wearing the full uniform of a Junior Cadet, which isnít a real police officer at all. The uniform is tight on him, making it hard for him to breathe.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI (off panel): Here comes the little guy now.
PETEY: Is the coast clear mama?
2. (Commissioner Candi stands up and holds her son to her bosom. He snuggles up to her. Kretz watches, somewhat disturbed.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Of course it is, my little Pooh Bear.
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Look at him Kretz. Handsome little ****er, isnít he?
3. (Kretz, not knowing what to say, opens his mouth as if to answer, but nothing comes out.)
4. (Commissioner Candi holds Petey by his face and looks him right in the eyes.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: Guess what big boy? Youíre gonna ride with the Captain here and show him how ta be a real cop.
PETEY: I wonít let ya down mama!
5. (Petey runs out of the office. Kretz follows behind. Commissioner Candi sits back in her seat.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI: I know you wonít Pooh Bear. Now, off with ya two! Go make my city safe!
COMMISSIONER CANDI: And Captain?
6. (CLOSE UP on Kretz, shuttering with hatred over his demeaning assignment.)
COMMISSIONER CANDI (off panel): Make sure ya hold his hand when crossing the street.
1. (EXT. FRONT OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: A row of short bushes line the front yard of the upscale, two-story house. Rash Vasquez peeks out from the bushes as Bailey La Blue walks up to the front door.)
CAPTION--RASH: Chuck, we need to get your wheels back.
2. (FLASHBACK--INT. PILL BUG'S LIVING ROOM--NIGHT: Chuck, Pill Bug and Dizzy are sitting on the sofa. Havoc Boy is standing behind the couch. Bailey is sitting on the love seat. Between them, the center of attention, Rash is standing.)
CAPTION: THE NIGHT BEFORE...
CHUCK: Good luck. My mom hid the keys from me and won't give them back until I sign a contract saying I won't look at porn again for the rest of my life.
PILL BUG: Chuck, you've been complaining about your mom since you came out of the womb. I mean, seriously, she can't be that bad.
3. (Chuck turns to Pill Bug. The look on his face is calm yet completely crazed, like Hannibal Lecter.)
CHUCK: Oh, can't she? My mom couldn't be so bad that every time I close my eyes all I see is her in her underwear, quoting Bible verses to me while cooking a Polish dinner. She couldn't be so bad that I've developed a heinous chemical dependency just so I can sleep at night without waking up screaming, drenched in my own sweat?
CHUCK: She could never be that bad, COULD SHE PILL BUG?!!
4. (On Rash, thinking.)
RASH: Well I'm not driving across two states in your grandma-mobile--
5. (EXT. FRONT OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: Rash, peeking out from the bushes, gives Bailey a thumb's up.)
CAPTION--RASH: --so we're gonna have to get your car back ourselves.
6. (ON BAILEY, walking backwards and returning the thumbs up to Rash with an exaggerated, goofy enthusiasm.)
1. (Rash, now ducked back in the bushes, speaks into a child's clown-shaped walkie-talkie.)
RASH: Climax Control, this is Irate Bowel. The Mad Rapist is about to plant her seed. We have a go on interception.
2. (INT. PILL BUG'S ROOM--DAY: Pill Bug and Dizzy are standing near each other, listening in on the other walkie-talkie. Both have confused and somewhat disgusted looks on their faces.)
PILL BUG: ?
3. (EXT. FRONT OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: Rash bursts out of the bushes and sprints up to the side of the house.)
RASH: I'm goin' in!
4. (EXT. SIDE OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: Rash sneaks along the house, being careful to not get noticed.)
CAPTION--RASH: We'll just pull what I like to call Rash's B & E Special: Break into the house, nab the keys and then run away like big pussies.
CAPTION--RASH: And if you want Chuck, we can moon your mom on the way out.
5. (INT. MRS. FISTO'S KITCHEN--DAY: Chuck's mom, an overweight Christian fanatic who demands to be called MRS. FISTO, is preparing something to eat. She doesn't notice Rash peeking in through the window behind her.)
CAPTION--RASH: First thing we'll need to do is distract Chuck's mom so that I can get into the house.
SOUND: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
1. (INT. FRONT HALL OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: Bailey is standing in outside the opened front door. She looks very sad.)
BAILEY: Mrs. Fisto? I'm so sorry.
BAILEY: You're son Chuck...
2. (CLOSE UP on Bailey as she gives some shocking news.)
BAILEY: ...IS DEAD!
3. (Both Bailey and Mrs. Fisto are in this shot. Bailey has her back to us, looking at Mrs. Fisto. Mrs. Fisto's eyes are wide in horrified shock.)
4. (EXT. BACK OF MRS. FISTO'S HOUSE--DAY: Rash is hanging off of a second-story window sill.)
5. (INT. MRS. FISTO'S BEDROOM--DAY: Mrs. Fisto sleeps in the master bedroom. It's large enough for a king sized bed and has its own bathroom and walk-in closet. The door leading to the hall is directly across from the window. Next to the window is a dresser. The bed is to the left of the window, next to the bathroom. To the right of the room is a small entertainment center with a television. Rash pulls himself through the window and into the bedroom.)
1. (As Rash closes the window, Chuck appears right behind him. Rash jumps in surprise.)
CHUCK: 'Bout time dude.
2. (Rash turns around to face Chuck. He's not too happy.)
RASH: What the ****'re you doin' shithead?
CHUCK: Man, I already looked everywhere for my keys. They're not here.
3. (Chuck checks under the large bed mattress while Rash digs through a dresser.)
RASH: They've gotta be here. Moms always hide shit in their rooms.
RASH: C'mon. Look again.
4. (Rash opens up the bathroom door while Chuck digs around the dresser.)
RASH: I'm gonna check the bathroom and possibly take a shit that could sink the Death Star.
CHUCK: I told you I already ****in' looked in there!
RASH: And I told you--
5. (Rash turns from the bathroom and questions Chuck.)
RASH: Hey, how'd you get in here anyways?
CHUCK : The back door was open.
RASH: I thought you said your mom keeps everything locked.
6. (Chuck walks over to Rash.)
CHUCK: Yeah, she usually does.
RASH: But this one time she doesn't? Doesn't make much--
1. (Rash and Chuck stand surrounded in the middle of the bedroom as members of the DELINQUENT YOUTH HELP SQUAD, a Christian organization dedicated to helping troubled teens, appear out of nowhere: two guys and a girl pop out of the bathroom behind Rash and Chuck. A girl leaps in from the hallway outside. Two guys come out from underneath the bed. They even come out of the ceiling as two small explosions erupt and two members rappel down on ropes. All members of the squad are dressed like day camp counselors: white t-shirts and bright yellow khaki shorts that end above their knees. They are the most clean-cut dorks this world has ever known.)
HELP SQUAD BOY #1: FREEZE TROUBLEMAKERS!
CHUCK: What the hell?!
2. (Rash angrily looks at Chuck.)
RASH: You said you checked the room!
CHUCK: I--I did.
3. (CLOSE UP on Rash, his facial expression over exaggerated with tension and anger while he clenches his fists.)
RASH: Weíve been set up!
4. (The leader of the Help Squad, GRAHAM, swings in through the window.)
5. (Graham lands in front of two other members of the squad. He stands with his hands on his hips, trying to look oh-so important.)
GRAHAM: My name is Graham.
6. (WIDE SHOT on the rest of the Help Squad speaking out in unison.)
HELP SQUAD (together): AND WEíRE THE DELINQUENT YOUTH HELP SQUAD!
1. (CLOSE UP on Graham, stern and determined.)
GRAHAM: SPONSORED BY SUPER CHURCH! Your mom is concerned for your well-being Chuck Fisto. She says that youíre addicted to the pot bong.
GRAHAM: Well guess what? Weíre not leaving this room until weíve set you straight.
2. (Graham jabs a finger into Chuckís chest. Chuck leans back, a little freaked out.)
GRAHAM: You got that buddy?
3. (CLOSE UP on three Help Squad members standing shoulder to shoulder.)
HELP SQUAD (together): YOU BETCHA!
4. (The male Help Squad member who came out of the bathroom, JOSH, screams out. The female squad member, LYNN, covers her ears.)
JOSH: WEíRE HERE TO HELP!!!
LYNN: Ow! My ears! Graham! Tell Josh to stop yelling!
5. (Graham turns to settle Josh down.)
GRAHAM: Josh...Iím really glad you take such great enthusiasm in the work that we do, but letís save some of that energy for the intervention, okay?
JOSH: Itís not my fault that the power of Christ compels me more than it does any of you!
6. (HELP SQUAD BOY #2, hanging from the rope in the ceiling, points at Josh angrily.)
HELP SQUAD BOY #2: Hey! I go to church every goddamned day!
VOICE (off panel): No swearing!
1. (While the entire Help Squad argues with each other, Chuck passes Rash a packed pipe.)
VOICE (off panel): Eat my doody!
VOICE (off panel): I pray for your soul...IF YOU EVEN HAVE ONE!
RASH: Gimme your pipe.
CHUCK: Here. I just packed it.
RASH: Cool. Okay. Get ready.
CHUCK: For what?
2. (Rash HURLS little Chuck at the Help Squad member blocking the doorway that leads out to the hall. The two hit hard.)
RASH: FOR THIS!
3. (INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY--DAY: The hallway overlooks the first floor of the house. It has a decorative safety railing. Chuck is lying on top of the Help Squad member he collided with. Rash dashes out into the hall, full of energy.)
RASH: Ha-HAW! Another swashbuckling escape!
4. (CLOSE UP on Rash as he lights the pipe and takes a HUGE hit off of it.)
5. (PROFILE SHOT of Rash blowing an enormous plume of smoke back into the bedroom.)
1. (INT. MRS. FISTOíS BEDROOM--DAY: The plume of marijuana smoke enters through the door. Graham and several other members of the Help Squad seize up in terror as the smoke approaches them.)
GRAHAM: AAAHH!! Narcotics! Donít breathe!
2. (INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY--DAY: Rash snickers to himself, ever so proud of his work. Too bad he doesnít see Chuckís mom towering over behind him. She is huge, a raging inferno of overprotective, self-righteous fanaticism.)
RASH: Heh heh heh.
3. (PROFILE SHOT of Mrs. Fisto screaming into Rashís face. Rash is too shocked to speak.)
MRS. FISTO: YOU!
MRS. FISTO: My little boy is a drug-addicted sex fiend because of YOOUUU!
4. (CLOSE UP on Rash looking indignant.)
RASH: Hey! Youíre supposed to be distracted!
5. (FLASHBACK--EXT. FRONT DOOR--DAY: Same shot as Panel 3, Page 7.)
BAILEY: You hear me lady? I said your son is dead.
1. (MRS. FISTOíS P. O. V.: Mrs. Fisto doesnít see Bailey the way the rest of us do. Instead she sees an evil, slobbering blue demon thatís somehow clawed its way from the depths of Hell.)
DEMON BAILEY: Helloooo? Anyone home? Dead son? Festering as we speak?
2. (On Mrs. Fisto who gathers her courage.)
MRS. FISTO: I see your true form demon! Your kind are not welcome here!
3. (The front door slams shut on Bailey.)
4. (SAME AS PANEL 3.)
BAILEY: Ooooooh mama. No you didnít.
5. (INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY--DAY: Mrs. Fisto closes in on Rash as he backs away. The look on her face is a mixture of hurt and insanity. The look on Rash's face is one of "What the **** is this?")
MRS. FISTO: You vile little monster. You took my baby boy away from me. Don't you see that he needs his mother?
MRS. FISTO: DON'T YOU SEE?!
6. (Mrs. Fisto looks up towards the sound of Chuck's voice.)
CHUCK (off panel): Mom?
Last edited by ReekingHavoc; 05-18-2006 at 06:43 PM.
|05-17-2006, 08:47 AM||#2|
Are you watching closely?
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cincinnati..nuff said
Honestly, I think this has promise, but for me, my attention span is short, so I wouldnt put up this many pages at one time (maybe 3 or 4 at a time) to let what the reader has read sink in. In a rush right now but ill critique this soon and the other part.
Shield of Justice
Youtube-Shield of Justice trailer
|05-17-2006, 11:43 AM||#3|
pretty radical dude.
Join Date: Aug 2005
Yeah, this thing was pretty good, man. There were a few points where I got confused, but I think that was more of my own retardation than narrative inconsistancy.
For the flashback, though, it needs to be clear (when expressed in full comic form) That it is a flashback. I was a bit confused how Chuck got from Pillbug's living room to his mother's room. Perhaps a caption in the flashback saying, "meanwhile, at Pillbug's" or "a couple hours ago." It might be intentional, Chuck's "magical" appearance I mean, but I just found it a little unclear, is all.
You might want to include brief character descriptions for your main crew of kids - I know this is supposed to be your 3rd installments, and one should hope the artist is familiar/have a reference by now, but it doesn't hurt to have refresher descriptions of your main characters.
Otherwise, I like it - unapologetically punk rock kids & insane authority. Reminds me of my youth...*sniff*. I'd like to see more.
Drop me a line, we can compare notes on punk rock storytelling.
|05-17-2006, 02:42 PM||#4|
Ride the Walrus
Join Date: Apr 2006
KAMIKAZE--That's probably a good idea. I'll break my next issue up into more segments.
XTYLERX--Thanks for the advice on the flashback. I knew I overlooked something.