horror script, looking for critique

Hob Anagarak · 05-05-2006, 11:42 AM

Got a sci-fi/horror comic script rough draft this time. Ideally, this would be the first seven pages of a one-shot titled something like Tales of Judgment. And of course, hopefully there would be a series of one-shots or mini's to Tales of Judgment focusing on several re-occuring characters.

Now I know this barely even alludes to the "secret" of one of the characters, or the significance of the title, but that's intended to be one of those twists towards the end of the issue. My biggest concern here is that the mood and setting are effectively established.

Once again, any feedback is highly appreciated.

And on a quick note, the following content should fit forum guidelines. My apologies if it's questionable in any way, and please let me know if it is.

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. It's after dark in a nameless small town deep in the heart of the United States. The point of view is roughly at eye level from a position near what could be the center of the town, standing in the middle of its main street, and looking down this street which stretches straight out into the night in the distance. The buildings in view to the left and right of this main street stop after two blocks. The town is oddly clean, but while it looks like it could be inhabited, there are no signs of life. No lights are on in any of the buildings.

SFX :
thap thap thap

LUCY (OP, burst)
AAAAAA --

Panel 2. It's roughly the same view, but there's a faint black shape in the distance in the middle of the road, heading towards the center of town. It's impossible to tell at this distance, but the shape is a young girl, Lucy.

SFX :
thap thap thap

LUCY (burst) :
-- AAAAA --

Panel 3. It's still roughly the same view, but now the faint black shape that was in the distance down the road, Lucy, is just in view. She's a twentysomething Caucasian, about 5 foot 8, with a decent build but otherwise average looking, dressed in jeans, with basic sneakers and a loose shirt. She's terrified and running towards the center of town.

SFX:
thap thap thap

LUCY (burst) :
-- AAAHHH!

Panel 4. From roughly the same point, but around 2 stories up and looking down now, Lucy is still running full speed towards the center of town.

SFX :
thap thap thap

Panel 5. Roughly the same view. Lucy has run off panel, and the street is vacant again.

SFX :
thap thap thap

THE JUDGE (OP) :
Oh come on!

PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. The view is back to eye level again, and looking away from the center of the town again. Another figure, the Judge, is coming into view in the distance from the same direction Lucy ran in from. We can’t see any details to the Judge, other than that he's waving his arms out in frustration.

THE JUDGE :
I was only trying to help you! Honest!

Panel 2. Looking closer at the Judge, a twentysomething pale Caucasian male, about 6 feet tall, with a thin build, who is strolling into the town. The Judge is clad entirely in black, with a loose solid black short sleeve t-shirt, and slacks tucked into the tops of shiny military style boots. He's clean shaven with shoulder length jet black hair, parted
down the middle. The Judge is also wearing stylized solid black sunglasses, but they don't appear to be hindering his vision in any way.

THE JUDGE :
Do you always run off like this? That's not a very good habit!

Panel 3. The Judge has stopped in the center of the street next to the last two buildings on the main street. He's looking around for Lucy. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings.

THE JUDGE :
Did she finally stop screaming?

Panel 4. The Judge is walking down the center of the street again, looking in a different direction. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings.

THE JUDGE :
Hmmm. That could be bad too. But for that matter, where is everyone?

Panel 5. The Judge has come to the center intersection of the town. Various buildings line the streets, but in particular there is a café style restaurant on the far left corner of the intersection. The Judge is still looking for the Lucy, showing as close to genuine concern as he can with his eyebrows raised above his sunglass. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings.

THE JUDGE :
She was screaming like a banshee for the longest time. Someone has else has to of heard her!

Panel 6. As the Judge is looking towards the empty restaurant on the left corner of the intersection, from behind him and to his left, a hunched over, shadowed figured darts into an alleyway across the street to the left of the restaurant.

THE JUDGE :
Hello? Crazy lady? Somebody there?

PAGE THREE (five Panels)

Panel 1. The Judge is walking towards the alleyway where the shadowed figure darted in. Other than that, there are still no signs of life in the town.

THE JUDGE :
I saw you run in there. Come on out! I'm only here to help!

Panel 2. The Judge is standing at the opening of the alley, looking in. For the little town, the alley is surprisingly clean, but there is a large dumpster against the wall to the right. The dumpster is placed about halfway between the opening of the alleyway and its far end, which is blocked off by a wall. There's enough room between the dumpster on the right and the far wall on the left for about three men to walk side by side

THE JUDGE :
Let's get out of here. This town is deserted and not the best place to go running around in.

Panel 3. The Judge is walking into the alley along the wall on the left side of the dumpster. He's made it as far as the close side of the dumpster, which is the side near the opening of the alleyway. The far side of the dumpster is where he thinks the shadow figure is hiding.

SHADOW FIGURE (whisper) :
Nononononononono

THE JUDGE :
…crazy lady?

Panel 4. The Judge is standing next to the same wall, facing the corner of the opposite wall where it meets the dumpster. The previous shadow figure is actually a man in his 30's, crouched in the corner of the wall and the dumpster. The man has his knees pulled up tight to his chest, and his arms clasped around his legs. His clothes are dirty, wrinkled, and it's been some time since he's had a shave. This is not what the Judge expected to find.

DIRTY MAN (whisper) :
…don'twannagobackdon'twannagobackdon'twannagoback…

Panel 5. From roughly the same view, now the dirty man is looking up in the direction of the Judge, though he's not necessarily looking at the Judge. The dirty man has clearly been driven insane by whatever happened to him.

THE JUDGE :
What's that? What are you babbling about?

DIRTY MAN (whisper) :
notgoingback…toomuchtoomuchtoomuch…

THE JUDGE :
Great. The first person I find and he's just as bad as the crazy lady --

LUCY (OP) :
M-my name is Lucy.

PAGE FOUR (four panels)

Panel 1. The Judge is standing a few steps to the left of his previous position, and looking over towards the opening to the alleyway where he walked in from. Lucy is standing there, looking tired.

THE JUDGE :
There you are. So did you intentionally come to this town?

LUCY :
I'm… sorry. No, not really. I just kind of ran. That's not something you see every day, y'know?

Panel 2. Lucy is walking towards the Judge, who's no longer paying much attention to the dirty man.

THE JUDGE :
I know. But you need to understand that things are going to be changing for the better --.

LUCY :
-- I thought I saw someone else run in here. Is that who you're talking to?

Panel 3. Lucy is now standing to the right of the Judge, looking in amazement at the dirty man. She didn't expect to see the man, either

LUCY :
Oh! W-we can leave this creepy town now. Please? --

Panel 4. The dirty man has quickly stood up from his sitting position, and he's bracing his back tight against the wall. Now that the dirty man is standing, it's revealed that the front of his clothes is drenched with darkened blood.

DIRTY MAN (burst) :
-- YES! PLEASE! We must get away!

PAGE FIVE (three panels)

Panel 1. The dirty man is still standing with his back tight against the wall, frantically looking to the left. The Judge is facing him, and Lucy has both of her hands cupped over her mouth, trying to hold back a scream.

THE JUDGE :
Whoa! What's with the "we" business you nutcase? What happened here anyway?

LUCY :
I-is that….

THE JUDGE :
… and what happened to you, man?

Panel 2. The dirty man is standing in the same position, frantically looking to the right. The Judge is facing the dirty man, with both of his hands open and facing him, in a "calm down" gesture. Lucy still has her hands over her mouth, but she's slowly backing out of the alley.

DIRTY MAN (burst):
BLOOOOOOD eeeverywheeere!

LUCY :
C-can we leave? N-now?

Panel 3. The dirty man has burst from his position, running out of the alleyway past Lucy knocking her off balance, and heading straight across the street to the darkened alleyway behind the restaurant.

DIRTY MAN (burst):
NOT GOING BAAACK!

LUCY (burst):
AAAH!

PAGE SIX (four panels)

Panel 1. While Lucy is regaining her balance, the Judge is walking in the direction the dirty man took off in, making it to the opening of the alleyway. The dirty man is running into the alleyway behind the restaurant across the street, about to slip into the pitch black shadows.

THE JUDGE :
Alright, now I need some answers.

LUCY :
What?! Why? He's just some crazy old homeless person.

Panel 2. The Judge is looking straight ahead and walking towards the alleyway the dirty man disappeared into, having made it to about midway across the street. Lucy is standing at the opening to the alleyway.

THE JUDGE :
He was also covered in blood. And if he's responsible for whatever happened here, I want to know.

LUCY :
B-but!

THE JUDGE :
You can leave, and I won't stop you. Or you can follow me, while I find out what's going on. I guarantee you though that right now the safest place for you is with me.

Panel 3. The Judge and Lucy are standing side by side, just outside of the shadows the dirty man disappeared into. There's an open metal door on the back wall of the restaurant, which is the building on the Judge and Lucy's right. The end of the alley is concealed in black shadows. The dirty man is nowhere in sight.

LUCY :
So I can leave the creepy abandoned town by myself. On foot, of course. Or I can stick with you, the man who --

THE JUDGE :
HEY! I saved your life back there! You were the one that took off before I could --

LUCY :
Okay! I... know. Look…I…. Thank you.

Panel 4. The Judge is standing in the alleyway behind the restaurant, just outside of the open metal door. His body is facing the open doorway, while his head is turned towards Lucy, who's only standing a few steps closer to the Judge from where she previously was.

THE JUDGE :
You're welcome. You coming?

LUCY :
Yeah…so, um, how can you even see? I'm having trouble here without any light, and you're wearing those glasses.

THE JUDGE :
It's hard to explain. I'm not so sure I could anyway. Trust me though, it's better for you that I wear them.

PAGE SEVEN (four panels)

Panel 1. The Judge is standing a few steps inside this back room of the restaurant, looking straight ahead at a large metal door that's built into the far wall of the room that’s about 15 feet away. Various crates are stacked waist high to the left and right in the room, forming a "T" shaped walkway into the room, wide enough for two men. The walkway goes from the back door to the metal door in the far wall. At this point, any other details to the wall and room are still concealed in the shadows. Lucy is standing just inside the door, fumbling for a light switch along the interior wall to the right of the door they came in from.

THE JUDGE :
Ack! You smell that? Guess he didn't go in here after all.

LUCY :
Weird. Feels wet almost. Should be a… stupid switch around here.

Panel 2. Focusing on Lucy, who has found and flipped the light switch she was looking for. Lucy’s body is facing the wall with the switch, but her head is turned towards the metal door the Judge is looking at. The room is now lit from ceiling lights, but the crates still cast shadows throughout the room.

SFX :
-- Click! --

LUCY :
-- HA! Found it!

Panel 3. Focusing on Lucy, who is in the same spot, but she’s now fully facing the metal door. She is squinting to adjust to the sudden light. Lucy also doesn't notice that the wall with the light switch, as well as her hands, are covered in shiny red blood

LUCY :
-- Wow, that’s bright. Yeah it does smell pretty gross in here, like rotten meat or…

Panel 4. Focusing on Lucy, who's standing in the same position. Lucy has a look of absolute horror, and she's bringing her hands, which are covered in blood, to her mouth again to cover another scream.

LUCY (whisper) :
Oh… my…

KH · 05-05-2006, 12:00 PM

One of the things that I like about this is that it's got a good mystery to it. Kind of sucks you along wondering what the heck is goin on with this town.

The one general comment I have is that it seems like your characters talk too much. In that ... talkativity

... it seems like their comments are true reactions to what going on.

Honestly I would be pretty damn quiet unless I had to say something if I were in their situation. There's obviously something out there about to get them and my survival instinct would be to STFU --- know what I mean?

For example like on page 2 The Judge has to comment on every panel while he's searching for the girl?

it would heighten the tension (for me) if this were mostly silence with only maybe one muttering from The Judge about where the heck that girl ran off to.

Hob Anagarak · 05-08-2006, 01:04 PM

Honestly, I thought the dialogue was minimal, but I do get what you're saying.

The Judge's dialogue was coming off to me as a little more, um, smart alec-y than originally intended. To try and fix that, I've made an alternate version of the script, just taking out some of the dialogue in an effort to play up on the horror aspect.

ccorniuk · 05-08-2006, 01:36 PM

Maybe I missed the initial posting, but the dialogue seems okay to me. I don't know if I'd like it with too much less. You might be able to scrap some, but not all. I like the mystery as well; it's what keeps it being differentiated as a horror rather than as a slasher. I've been working on this technique myself now as I enjoy horror, but find little value in slashers. With almost 7 pages of prologue, I think it'll be interesting to see how you pull this off in the next few pages to make it a one shot. Very good.

Hob Anagarak · 05-09-2006, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ccorniuk

...I like the mystery as well; it's what keeps it being differentiated as a horror rather than as a slasher. I've been working on this technique myself now as I enjoy horror, but find little value in slashers. ...

I hear ya. The core concept to Judgment is very dark, so I figure why not just go all out and make it a sci-fi horror deal? And in the process of working on this, I've learned that setting something up properly as "horror" is all kinds of ...work.

Originally I was going for something Buffy-esque as the main antagonist, a big demony thing. While that matched with the Judge's smart-ass dialogue, it didn't really fit. Thought about it for a while, argued with another aspiring writer friend, and after tossing around a couple other ideas, now I'm leaning towards a Lovecraftian what you can't see can kill you idea. Less is more, and all that. Which will be tricky to pull off, but hopefully it will work in comic format.

Quote:

...Very good.

Thanks.

KH · 05-11-2006, 02:06 PM

I mistyped in my initial post which might've created a little confusion:

I wrote: "In that ... talkativity

... it seems like their comments are true reactions to what going on."

It should be, "NOT true reactions..."

Dialogue - use what is necessary. At points the dialogue seems like play by play. Not all the time. Just if some of it were removed, and let the artist tell the story too, it can be much more effective.

xtylerx · 05-12-2006, 02:14 PM

I agree with KH about the dialogue. In my opinion Joss Whedon & the Scream series undermined horror - why should my main characters be cracking wise in a horrific situation? Perhaps I just don't have a good sense of humor. With that said, I realize you didn't intend for the Judge to come off as a "smart alec." I agree that you could remove a good portion of his commentary and actually increase the tension of the situation. I know that as a writer, it seems as though you are giving yourself the short shrift by limiting dialogue, but keep in mind that comics are a primarily visual medium. BUT, remember, as the writer, you control the action. The artist may draw, but you dictate WHAT is drawn.

Otherwise, it feels pretty solid, a little slow in spots. I realize this is horror, and introductions in horror tense to be drawn out & even slow. This is a fair amount of prologue, but it does have good, clear establishment of the situation without being overblown. And it did keep me interested, which I always like.

Also, there were a few sentences that became lost in description and transformed into run-ons. I'll quote one or two in a moment...

xtylerx · 05-12-2006, 02:33 PM

"The point of view is roughly at eye level from a position near what could be the center of the town, standing in the middle of its main street, and looking down this street which stretches straight out into the night in the distance."

Personally I would try something like, "Establishing shot: eye level, from town center, looking down main street out into the inky blackness of the night." I know that's kinda cliche, but whatever. Or this "Eye level establishing shot, from the center of town, looking down main street, which stretches out into the darkness outside the town."

"Panel 1. The view is back to eye level again, and looking away from the center of the town again. Another figure, the Judge, is coming into view in the distance from the same direction Lucy ran in from.

THE JUDGE :
Let's get out of here. This town is deserted and not the best place to go running around in.

Panel 2. The Judge is looking straight ahead and walking towards the alleyway the dirty man disappeared into, having made it to about midway across the street. Lucy is standing at the opening to the alleyway.

Panel 4. The Judge is standing in the alleyway behind the restaurant, just outside of the open metal door. His body is facing the open doorway, while his head is turned towards Lucy, who's only standing a few steps closer to the Judge from where she previously was.

Lucy is standing just inside the door, fumbling for a light switch along the interior wall to the right of the door they came in from."

Now I know this is just nit-picky grammar stuff, but there were a number of instances where you ended sentences with prepositions(from, into, was in, etc). That's ok in dialogue (people don't always speak like them there book talkers), but I would try to avoid it in panel descriptions.

05-05-2006, 11:42 AM	#1
Hob Anagarak Registered User Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 130	horror script, looking for critique Got a sci-fi/horror comic script rough draft this time. Ideally, this would be the first seven pages of a one-shot titled something like Tales of Judgment. And of course, hopefully there would be a series of one-shots or mini's to Tales of Judgment focusing on several re-occuring characters. Now I know this barely even alludes to the "secret" of one of the characters, or the significance of the title, but that's intended to be one of those twists towards the end of the issue. My biggest concern here is that the mood and setting are effectively established. Once again, any feedback is highly appreciated. And on a quick note, the following content should fit forum guidelines. My apologies if it's questionable in any way, and please let me know if it is. PAGE ONE (five panels) Panel 1. It's after dark in a nameless small town deep in the heart of the United States. The point of view is roughly at eye level from a position near what could be the center of the town, standing in the middle of its main street, and looking down this street which stretches straight out into the night in the distance. The buildings in view to the left and right of this main street stop after two blocks. The town is oddly clean, but while it looks like it could be inhabited, there are no signs of life. No lights are on in any of the buildings. SFX : thap thap thap LUCY (OP, burst) AAAAAA -- Panel 2. It's roughly the same view, but there's a faint black shape in the distance in the middle of the road, heading towards the center of town. It's impossible to tell at this distance, but the shape is a young girl, Lucy. SFX : thap thap thap LUCY (burst) : -- AAAAA -- Panel 3. It's still roughly the same view, but now the faint black shape that was in the distance down the road, Lucy, is just in view. She's a twentysomething Caucasian, about 5 foot 8, with a decent build but otherwise average looking, dressed in jeans, with basic sneakers and a loose shirt. She's terrified and running towards the center of town. SFX: thap thap thap LUCY (burst) : -- AAAHHH! Panel 4. From roughly the same point, but around 2 stories up and looking down now, Lucy is still running full speed towards the center of town. SFX : thap thap thap Panel 5. Roughly the same view. Lucy has run off panel, and the street is vacant again. SFX : thap thap thap THE JUDGE (OP) : Oh come on! PAGE TWO (six panels) Panel 1. The view is back to eye level again, and looking away from the center of the town again. Another figure, the Judge, is coming into view in the distance from the same direction Lucy ran in from. We can’t see any details to the Judge, other than that he's waving his arms out in frustration. THE JUDGE : I was only trying to help you! Honest! Panel 2. Looking closer at the Judge, a twentysomething pale Caucasian male, about 6 feet tall, with a thin build, who is strolling into the town. The Judge is clad entirely in black, with a loose solid black short sleeve t-shirt, and slacks tucked into the tops of shiny military style boots. He's clean shaven with shoulder length jet black hair, parted down the middle. The Judge is also wearing stylized solid black sunglasses, but they don't appear to be hindering his vision in any way. THE JUDGE : Do you always run off like this? That's not a very good habit! Panel 3. The Judge has stopped in the center of the street next to the last two buildings on the main street. He's looking around for Lucy. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings. THE JUDGE : Did she finally stop screaming? Panel 4. The Judge is walking down the center of the street again, looking in a different direction. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings. THE JUDGE : Hmmm. That could be bad too. But for that matter, where is everyone? Panel 5. The Judge has come to the center intersection of the town. Various buildings line the streets, but in particular there is a café style restaurant on the far left corner of the intersection. The Judge is still looking for the Lucy, showing as close to genuine concern as he can with his eyebrows raised above his sunglass. There are still no signs of life in the town. No lights are on in any of the buildings. THE JUDGE : She was screaming like a banshee for the longest time. Someone has else has to of heard her! Panel 6. As the Judge is looking towards the empty restaurant on the left corner of the intersection, from behind him and to his left, a hunched over, shadowed figured darts into an alleyway across the street to the left of the restaurant. THE JUDGE : Hello? Crazy lady? Somebody there? PAGE THREE (five Panels) Panel 1. The Judge is walking towards the alleyway where the shadowed figure darted in. Other than that, there are still no signs of life in the town. THE JUDGE : I saw you run in there. Come on out! I'm only here to help! Panel 2. The Judge is standing at the opening of the alley, looking in. For the little town, the alley is surprisingly clean, but there is a large dumpster against the wall to the right. The dumpster is placed about halfway between the opening of the alleyway and its far end, which is blocked off by a wall. There's enough room between the dumpster on the right and the far wall on the left for about three men to walk side by side THE JUDGE : Let's get out of here. This town is deserted and not the best place to go running around in. Panel 3. The Judge is walking into the alley along the wall on the left side of the dumpster. He's made it as far as the close side of the dumpster, which is the side near the opening of the alleyway. The far side of the dumpster is where he thinks the shadow figure is hiding. SHADOW FIGURE (whisper) : Nononononononono THE JUDGE : …crazy lady? Panel 4. The Judge is standing next to the same wall, facing the corner of the opposite wall where it meets the dumpster. The previous shadow figure is actually a man in his 30's, crouched in the corner of the wall and the dumpster. The man has his knees pulled up tight to his chest, and his arms clasped around his legs. His clothes are dirty, wrinkled, and it's been some time since he's had a shave. This is not what the Judge expected to find. DIRTY MAN (whisper) : …don'twannagobackdon'twannagobackdon'twannagoback… Panel 5. From roughly the same view, now the dirty man is looking up in the direction of the Judge, though he's not necessarily looking at the Judge. The dirty man has clearly been driven insane by whatever happened to him. THE JUDGE : What's that? What are you babbling about? DIRTY MAN (whisper) : notgoingback…toomuchtoomuchtoomuch… THE JUDGE : Great. The first person I find and he's just as bad as the crazy lady -- LUCY (OP) : M-my name is Lucy. PAGE FOUR (four panels) Panel 1. The Judge is standing a few steps to the left of his previous position, and looking over towards the opening to the alleyway where he walked in from. Lucy is standing there, looking tired. THE JUDGE : There you are. So did you intentionally come to this town? LUCY : I'm… sorry. No, not really. I just kind of ran. That's not something you see every day, y'know? Panel 2. Lucy is walking towards the Judge, who's no longer paying much attention to the dirty man. THE JUDGE : I know. But you need to understand that things are going to be changing for the better --. LUCY : -- I thought I saw someone else run in here. Is that who you're talking to? Panel 3. Lucy is now standing to the right of the Judge, looking in amazement at the dirty man. She didn't expect to see the man, either LUCY : Oh! W-we can leave this creepy town now. Please? -- Panel 4. The dirty man has quickly stood up from his sitting position, and he's bracing his back tight against the wall. Now that the dirty man is standing, it's revealed that the front of his clothes is drenched with darkened blood. DIRTY MAN (burst) : -- YES! PLEASE! We must get away! PAGE FIVE (three panels) Panel 1. The dirty man is still standing with his back tight against the wall, frantically looking to the left. The Judge is facing him, and Lucy has both of her hands cupped over her mouth, trying to hold back a scream. THE JUDGE : Whoa! What's with the "we" business you nutcase? What happened here anyway? LUCY : I-is that…. THE JUDGE : … and what happened to you, man? Panel 2. The dirty man is standing in the same position, frantically looking to the right. The Judge is facing the dirty man, with both of his hands open and facing him, in a "calm down" gesture. Lucy still has her hands over her mouth, but she's slowly backing out of the alley. DIRTY MAN (burst): BLOOOOOOD eeeverywheeere! LUCY : C-can we leave? N-now? Panel 3. The dirty man has burst from his position, running out of the alleyway past Lucy knocking her off balance, and heading straight across the street to the darkened alleyway behind the restaurant. DIRTY MAN (burst): NOT GOING BAAACK! LUCY (burst): AAAH! PAGE SIX (four panels) Panel 1. While Lucy is regaining her balance, the Judge is walking in the direction the dirty man took off in, making it to the opening of the alleyway. The dirty man is running into the alleyway behind the restaurant across the street, about to slip into the pitch black shadows. THE JUDGE : Alright, now I need some answers. LUCY : What?! Why? He's just some crazy old homeless person. Panel 2. The Judge is looking straight ahead and walking towards the alleyway the dirty man disappeared into, having made it to about midway across the street. Lucy is standing at the opening to the alleyway. THE JUDGE : He was also covered in blood. And if he's responsible for whatever happened here, I want to know. LUCY : B-but! THE JUDGE : You can leave, and I won't stop you. Or you can follow me, while I find out what's going on. I guarantee you though that right now the safest place for you is with me. Panel 3. The Judge and Lucy are standing side by side, just outside of the shadows the dirty man disappeared into. There's an open metal door on the back wall of the restaurant, which is the building on the Judge and Lucy's right. The end of the alley is concealed in black shadows. The dirty man is nowhere in sight. LUCY : So I can leave the creepy abandoned town by myself. On foot, of course. Or I can stick with you, the man who -- THE JUDGE : HEY! I saved your life back there! You were the one that took off before I could -- LUCY : Okay! I... know. Look…I…. Thank you. Panel 4. The Judge is standing in the alleyway behind the restaurant, just outside of the open metal door. His body is facing the open doorway, while his head is turned towards Lucy, who's only standing a few steps closer to the Judge from where she previously was. THE JUDGE : You're welcome. You coming? LUCY : Yeah…so, um, how can you even see? I'm having trouble here without any light, and you're wearing those glasses. THE JUDGE : It's hard to explain. I'm not so sure I could anyway. Trust me though, it's better for you that I wear them. PAGE SEVEN (four panels) Panel 1. The Judge is standing a few steps inside this back room of the restaurant, looking straight ahead at a large metal door that's built into the far wall of the room that’s about 15 feet away. Various crates are stacked waist high to the left and right in the room, forming a "T" shaped walkway into the room, wide enough for two men. The walkway goes from the back door to the metal door in the far wall. At this point, any other details to the wall and room are still concealed in the shadows. Lucy is standing just inside the door, fumbling for a light switch along the interior wall to the right of the door they came in from. THE JUDGE : Ack! You smell that? Guess he didn't go in here after all. LUCY : Weird. Feels wet almost. Should be a… stupid switch around here. Panel 2. Focusing on Lucy, who has found and flipped the light switch she was looking for. Lucy’s body is facing the wall with the switch, but her head is turned towards the metal door the Judge is looking at. The room is now lit from ceiling lights, but the crates still cast shadows throughout the room. SFX : -- Click! -- LUCY : -- HA! Found it! Panel 3. Focusing on Lucy, who is in the same spot, but she’s now fully facing the metal door. She is squinting to adjust to the sudden light. Lucy also doesn't notice that the wall with the light switch, as well as her hands, are covered in shiny red blood LUCY : -- Wow, that’s bright. Yeah it does smell pretty gross in here, like rotten meat or… Panel 4. Focusing on Lucy, who's standing in the same position. Lucy has a look of absolute horror, and she's bringing her hands, which are covered in blood, to her mouth again to cover another scream. LUCY (whisper) : Oh… my…

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05-05-2006, 12:00 PM	#2
KH unwashed. well read. Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Fairfax VA Posts: 210	One of the things that I like about this is that it's got a good mystery to it. Kind of sucks you along wondering what the heck is goin on with this town. The one general comment I have is that it seems like your characters talk too much. In that ... talkativity ... it seems like their comments are true reactions to what going on. Honestly I would be pretty damn quiet unless I had to say something if I were in their situation. There's obviously something out there about to get them and my survival instinct would be to STFU --- know what I mean? For example like on page 2 The Judge has to comment on every panel while he's searching for the girl? it would heighten the tension (for me) if this were mostly silence with only maybe one muttering from The Judge about where the heck that girl ran off to.

05-08-2006, 01:04 PM	#3
Hob Anagarak Registered User Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 130	Honestly, I thought the dialogue was minimal, but I do get what you're saying. The Judge's dialogue was coming off to me as a little more, um, smart alec-y than originally intended. To try and fix that, I've made an alternate version of the script, just taking out some of the dialogue in an effort to play up on the horror aspect.

05-08-2006, 01:36 PM	#4
ccorniuk Registered User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Tucson, AZ Posts: 19	Maybe I missed the initial posting, but the dialogue seems okay to me. I don't know if I'd like it with too much less. You might be able to scrap some, but not all. I like the mystery as well; it's what keeps it being differentiated as a horror rather than as a slasher. I've been working on this technique myself now as I enjoy horror, but find little value in slashers. With almost 7 pages of prologue, I think it'll be interesting to see how you pull this off in the next few pages to make it a one shot. Very good.

05-11-2006, 02:06 PM	#6
KH unwashed. well read. Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Fairfax VA Posts: 210	I mistyped in my initial post which might've created a little confusion: I wrote: "In that ... talkativity ... it seems like their comments are true reactions to what going on." It should be, "NOT true reactions..." Dialogue - use what is necessary. At points the dialogue seems like play by play. Not all the time. Just if some of it were removed, and let the artist tell the story too, it can be much more effective.

05-12-2006, 02:14 PM	#7
xtylerx pretty radical dude. Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: wisconsin Posts: 37	I agree with KH about the dialogue. In my opinion Joss Whedon & the Scream series undermined horror - why should my main characters be cracking wise in a horrific situation? Perhaps I just don't have a good sense of humor. With that said, I realize you didn't intend for the Judge to come off as a "smart alec." I agree that you could remove a good portion of his commentary and actually increase the tension of the situation. I know that as a writer, it seems as though you are giving yourself the short shrift by limiting dialogue, but keep in mind that comics are a primarily visual medium. BUT, remember, as the writer, you control the action. The artist may draw, but you dictate WHAT is drawn. Otherwise, it feels pretty solid, a little slow in spots. I realize this is horror, and introductions in horror tense to be drawn out & even slow. This is a fair amount of prologue, but it does have good, clear establishment of the situation without being overblown. And it did keep me interested, which I always like. Also, there were a few sentences that became lost in description and transformed into run-ons. I'll quote one or two in a moment...

05-12-2006, 02:33 PM	#8
xtylerx pretty radical dude. Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: wisconsin Posts: 37	"The point of view is roughly at eye level from a position near what could be the center of the town, standing in the middle of its main street, and looking down this street which stretches straight out into the night in the distance." Personally I would try something like, "Establishing shot: eye level, from town center, looking down main street out into the inky blackness of the night." I know that's kinda cliche, but whatever. Or this "Eye level establishing shot, from the center of town, looking down main street, which stretches out into the darkness outside the town." "Panel 1. The view is back to eye level again, and looking away from the center of the town again. Another figure, the Judge, is coming into view in the distance from the same direction Lucy ran in from. THE JUDGE : Let's get out of here. This town is deserted and not the best place to go running around in. Panel 2. The Judge is looking straight ahead and walking towards the alleyway the dirty man disappeared into, having made it to about midway across the street. Lucy is standing at the opening to the alleyway. Panel 4. The Judge is standing in the alleyway behind the restaurant, just outside of the open metal door. His body is facing the open doorway, while his head is turned towards Lucy, who's only standing a few steps closer to the Judge from where she previously was. Lucy is standing just inside the door, fumbling for a light switch along the interior wall to the right of the door they came in from." Now I know this is just nit-picky grammar stuff, but there were a number of instances where you ended sentences with prepositions(from, into, was in, etc). That's ok in dialogue (people don't always speak like them there book talkers), but I would try to avoid it in panel descriptions.