Putting on Clean Pants

[Kep!]

Chapter 4 of the expirimental comic-in-novel form PANTS! has been posted at www.babblement.com. Please swing by and give a hello.

And before you ask, yes, there ARE rewrites on 1-3 to be posted soon...I hope.

[Ugga Bugga]

Okay, here goes first the title

PANTS, Chapter 4 - It’s the Skidmarks Make the Man

Make it either "The Skidmarks Make the Man" or "It's the Skidmarks That Make the Man"

Buddhists claim that life is the number one cause of death. Mostly, I suspect they’re right. Makes sense, really…you live, you die. Life leads to death, therefore it caused it. I can get behind that, it’s simple math, I like math.

Beautiful. Short choppy sentences, thoughts separated into separate entities. Really nice. Getting good insight into the personality of the character.

In contrast, a five ton delivery truck, at six in the morning on a back street of Minneapolis, with a driver who’s been working double shifts for a month keeping himself barely functional by hopping up on Red Bull and cigarettes doesn’t quite have the same ring to it and doesn’t graph well. It also doesn’t make the papers other than a sad blurb about an accident, a statistic, a pity. My life ended with a pity.

What is contrasting what? Are you trying to say. "What doesn't make sense is...." if so, why don't you just say "What doesn't make sense is...." The point is being lost a bit. Also what doesn't have the same ring to it as what? I think you need a better seguey (sp) between the buddhist philopshpy, and the example of the driver. Also, I don't understand what you mean be doesn't graph well. Did something graph well before, and this doesn't graph well. and... if something didn't graph well before, what the heck does that mean.

In the movies when a flashback starts there’s dramatic music played softly over a blurry transition of the subject’s crushed body slowly changing to a university auditorium, or whatever other venue lead to his unfortunate, untimely demise, as he bleeds to death from the destroyed organs and suffers the broken legs, which only moments before were happily enjoying an early morning walk, just having left a small, tidy apartment with Hello Kitty posters on the walls and a large collection of water pipes on the only two bookshelves in the living room, of an anonymous woman, left sleeping soundly and snoring loudly between her Hello Kitty sheets, he had just finished enjoying a night of noteworthy sex with after meeting her at a poorly directed and tragically acted community theatre production of Damn Yankees the previous night.

holy magumba!?!?! Some really cool stuff embedded in here, now lets get more precise. "In the movies when a flashback starts" - You seem to be setting up a comment about all movies with flashbacks, yet you go into a riff about this specific flashback. Perhaps

"If this were a movie flashback it would go a little something like this". Then go into your riff. Lets split it up into digestible sentences though

Dramatic music plays, softly over a blurry transition from the subject's crushed body to a university auditorium. He lies in pooling blood gaping from destroyed organs. the pan flute embedded in his butt. Increased dramatic music for maximum effect. Hello Kitty on the walls. Blah blah blah. I love the stuff you have in there. Just tighten it up.


okay now

In real life he just dies in the alley below with no one to notice or care as the delivery truck driver stares in horror and disbelief at the broken man on the pavement in front of him and thinks about his wife of eight years, the seven-year-old twins Matt and Michelle, his high-school girlfriend he recently bumped into at the grocery store, who owns a failing the photography studio just a block off his route, that no one yet noticed he’d been doctoring his time card so he could stop for a couple of hours each week to screw like they used to when they were kids, as he throws the truck in reverse, backs his way down the alley he had just been cutting across to shave a few seconds off his route, pulls backwards onto the main street behind him and casually drives to a twenty-four hour truck wash on the other side of town to clean the blood and bits of brown hair from his grill before heading back to the distribution warehouse he’s worked at for twenty years, checking the truck back in, clocking out, picking up his 1992 Miata he’d recently purchased to help delude himself that he’s still young, vital and relevant, and drives as fast as he can across town without drawing the attention of the local police just getting ready for the morning commuters to help them make their monthly quotas, enters the studio with the key his girlfriend gave him three days ago, wakes her up and announces he’s leaving his wife and they’re flying to Aruba to celebrate now…right now, pack your bags.

I highlighted this passage and did a search for periods. Congratulations you have written the largest run-on sentence in the history of mankind

Fantastic ideas are getting bogged down. I read that and bits of my brain ended up on the ceiling. Luckily I have non-stick paint up there.

I would start this with. This isn't a movie, it's real life. So instead of a montage, all we have is a man. Dead in the alley with no one to care. A delivery truck driver .... and go on from there. Give the reader a chance to breathe and digest what you are saying. I understand you are trying to create a manic character, but it is hard for the reader to get to everything you want to say here.


I will try to get to more later. You've got a really nice story coming along here.

[Kep!]

Thank you VERY kindly for the input, edits and thoughts. As you have no doubt realized by now the run-on sentences are being crafted quite intentionally to highlight the stream of conciousness. And yeah, that one is a monster...took almost an hour to get it right. I read it to my wife and she wondered how I was able to breathe through it... actually I didn't. BUT! It is intentional.

Now, the question of whether it works or not, and therefore whether it stays or not in the final draft, is definately up for debate and your input on that has be SPLENDID and INVALUABLE, thank you! PLEASE don't stop what your doing just because I'm intending the car to go a different direction...I get lost in the streets of the city more often than I admit in public...and this damn town only has 13,000 people. Sigh.

THANK YOU!

[Ugga Bugga]

I understand what you are trying to do stylistically. Professionally, I am a lawyer (as if you didn't hate me enough already). So.... my focus tends to be on precise, and concise. Its a training thing.

I love the ideas embedded in your sentences, and don't want their meanings to get lost because of the sentence structure.

[Kep!]

I totally dig. and I really dig all your thoughts on this!

As to being a lawyer, I'm on track for law school myself...so fear not.

[Ugga Bugga]

As I sat in the auditorium, surrounded by a couple hundred other university types, I had no idea that in another few days I’d be lying dead in an alley, wearing those damn pants. Had I known, I’d probably have burned them in effigy with hopes of staving off the inevitable. It wouldn’t have mattered.

good. I'm not 100% sure you can burn pants in effigy, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for a change here.

Sitting the crowded hall, I was struck by the realization that none of the people in attendance knew why. It was yet another double blind interest survey, conducted by yet another doctorial student with yet another brilliant insight into the human psyche that would revolutionize the way the world thought about thinking. For two hours we were asked to respond how we felt to various stimuli, based on memory alone, make choices between answers that had nothing to do with each other and above all “be honest”, whether you had any experience or real preference didn’t seem to make a difference…on surveys like these the most extreme answers are usually filtered out so as not to bias the true sampling

why what? May I suggest this:

Sitting . . . that none of the people in attendance knew exactly why they were there. All they knew was that they volunteered to participate in yet another doctoral student with brilliant . . . about thinking, in exchange for $15 in beer money. If we hadn't needed the beer money, we would have been spending our time more productively.... drinking beer.

Once you hit the part about "For two hours" I'm not sure what the point is, particularly about the filtering out of answers. This is a ramble to me that serves no function. I'd chop that out, unless it is important to the theme of the story.

[Ugga Bugga]

QUESTION #23
When on a date do you prefer…
X – To pay for the meal
O – to have your date pay for the meal

…

QUESTION #142
Have you ever killed in self defense?
X – No
O – Yes

QUESTION #143
Would you?
O – No
X – Yes

QUESTION #144
Would you like to?
X – No
O – Yes

That’s an odd one. I’ve taken enough of these over the years to know…either to help a fellow doctorial candidate, as a favor to a friend, for the $5 offered the participants, or because Honey, who wasn’t here for some reason, thought it was better than going to the movies, had bribed me with the promise of a cup of cappuccino afterwards. I’m not quite sure why she wasn’t here, but she insisted she’d still buy me a coffee if I went, so here I am filling in these inane little bubbles.

QUESTION #221
Are you in love today?
X – No
O – Yes

…maybe…no…no, that’s not true…I do love, but I’m not in love. I suppose there’s a difference.

QUESTION #250
Do you plan to die?
O – No
O – Yes

I liked this. If you are going to adopt my previous suggestions, you may need a little change to this.

[Ugga Bugga]

What the **** kind of question is that? I’m reasonably certain I don’t have a choice, but if I did, of course I wouldn’t plan to…as I don’t, I suppose I must plan on it…or at least expect it. Of course, it could be a misprint or a poorly worded question, it happens all the time. Maybe they wanted to ask if I’ve made plans…like bought a grave site and written a will. I suppose that could be it.

my drink sprayed out of my nose when I read this. Funny stuff.

I will try to get to more later.

[Kep!]

Originally Posted by Ugga Bugga

why what? May I suggest this:

Sitting . . . that none of the people in attendance knew exactly why they were there. All they knew was that they volunteered to participate in yet another doctoral student with brilliant . . . about thinking, in exchange for $15 in beer money. If we hadn't needed the beer money, we would have been spending our time more productively.... drinking beer.

Once you hit the part about "For two hours" I'm not sure what the point is, particularly about the filtering out of answers. This is a ramble to me that serves no function. I'd chop that out, unless it is important to the theme of the story.

Ah. Very nice thought. I like your point here and I'm off to re-explore that section. Thank you!

[Kep!]

Originally Posted by Ugga Bugga

my drink sprayed out of my nose when I read this.

My work here is done.

[Ugga Bugga]

I looked up from my fold-out desk and poorly worded question to look at the crowd in the auditorium. I saw a few others looking around perplexed as well, and realized they were probably on Question #250 as well…

I think realized is a bit presumptuous here.

I looked up from the poorly worded question, and looked at some other faces in the crowd. A few looked rather perplexed. I figured they were probably on Question #250 as well.

it was far and above the strangest question on the test. A couple of grad students, down on the floor assisting the doctorial student whose masterpiece was confusing me, were looking up at the crowd and jotting notes on yellow legal pads if more interested in our reaction to the test than to the test itself. Maybe they were? Maybe the whole point of this ordeal was to see who paused and really thought about #250. If so, it was suddenly more interesting. Not a lot, but a nice twist to the end of the survey.

Okay, the sentence structure here is confuzzling. the doctorial student and masterpiece bit is throwing things off.

I would strike the whose masterpiece was confusing me


It was far and above the strangest question on the test. A couple of grad students running the test were furiously jotting notes on the yellow legal pads. They seemed more more interested in our reaction to the test than to the test itself. Maybe there were. (NO QUESTION MARK THERE)

Perhaps the point was to see who paused and really thought about #250. If so, it was suddenly more interesting. Not $15 of beer money for a waste of two hours, interesting - but interesting nonetheless. Christ, I’ve taken too many of these if I’m starting to appreciate the subtleties of how they end

Deciding the question was mostly interested in my planning skills, and honestly realizing I had no plans at all…no will, no cemetery plot…I carefully filled in the egg next to “No”, got up, stretched my legs, yawned, walked to the back of the auditorium and handed the survey to a lovely Asian girl, another grad student I’m sure, wither a HELLO KITTY button on her blouse, KITTY must be back in vogue…again, standing by a large box that read “PLEASE DEPOSIT FINISHED INVENTORIES HERE”.

wither should be with a

this is all right. You could still tighten it up a bit.

[Kep!]

Again, thank you! Revisions are happening.

[Knuckles]

Ok, Kep I have a moment and I will read this chapter for you. Sorry about not getting to the other ones. I was busy.

[Kep!]

Thanks for the comments on and off line folks, the REVISED DRAFT of Chapter 4 is up - http://babblement.com/pants/

[Knuckles]

I might be too late or too early, but I read it and as always love the style. Since you revised it i can't go back and give my crits as accurate as I wanted, but hear they are anyway. And this is probably a waste, but damn it i read it and I will crit it.

Ok, first off you say in the first paragraph about contrasting and I was wondering what you where contrasting, the math?

The second and third paragraphs are giant run-ons. I tried to read they out loud and I think I passed out for a couple of minutes. UHH, I would like those minutes back please.

I also think that where you used most of the ellipses, you could have just used a period. But one place an ellipses would work perfectly is when you say: I've taken enough of these over the years to know,(comment is better suited here) either to help a fellow doctorial candidate, as a favor to a friend, for the $5 offered to the participants. or because Honey...who isn't her for some reason...thinks its better than going to the movies. Then talk about this moment and her bribing you.

I will say that this line: My life ended with a pity. I thought was a fantastic line.

I really like these stories, sorry i didn't comment on the others. But the first chapter was great. I don't know if you where making a social comment with the first chapter, but you did to me. And if you care to know it was that in the wake of multiple deaths, people are still just selfish.

Hope this helps, but I think I'm too late. Sorry.