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Old 10-22-2017, 12:06 PM   #1
AmitMosheOren
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Proud (4 pgs, Crime/Drama)

Hi. Hadn't been here for a long time. This is my first script I wrote in three years. Would love to hear what you think about it.

PROUD (4 pgs)
Written by Amit Moshe Oren

PAGE 1 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
Long shot. Dark sewer tunnel. Norman (50ís, short grey hair, grey moustache) is running away from someone. Weíre behind him, so we canít see his face yet.

NORMAN (whispers)
COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.

PANEL 2
Close-up. Norman shoots his pistol while looking back. Because of the light that comes out of the shot, we can get a better look at Normanís face.

NORMAN
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

SFX
BLAMM!

PANEL 3
Close-up on Normanís legs. His right leg gets shot in two places.

SFX
BLAMM! BLAMM!

PANEL 4
Full shot. Norman hits the ground. Because of the fall, he loses the grip on his pistol.

SFX
THUD!

PANEL 5
Same panel. Now, Norman is with his back to us, facing the darkness while lying down. With his right hand, he signals his chaser to stop. WIth his left hand, he reaches for his pistol thatís on the ground.

NORMAN
STOP, PLEASE. I GIVE UP.

PAGE 2 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Close-up on Normanís pistol. Norman pulled the trigger, but nothing came out.

SFX
CLICK!

PANEL 2
Close-up on Normanís face. He smiles a small grin with his eyes closed.

NORMAN
HEH. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.
YOU MUST BE THRILLED.

PANEL 3
Medium long shot. Dutch low angle. Norman is sitting and looking at the darkness, still smiling. He hadnít look like that before. His look now is quite crazy and villainous.

NORMAN
AFTER ALL, YOUíRE GONNA BE THE ONE WHO FINALLY KILLED NORMAN CASSIDY.

PANEL 4
Long shot. Profile angle. Norman is looking calmer than ever. As for our mysterious chaser, we can now roughly see the shape of his body, we can see that heís standing in front of Norman, and that he holds a pistol of his own, but nothing more than that.

NORMAN
SO, WHATíD I DO TO YOU, HUH?
WHATíS THE STORY BEHIND MY MYSTERIOUS MURDERER?
ĎCAUSE, BOY OH BOYÖ I MEAN, I DID IT ALL.

PAGE 3 (5 panels)

NOTE:
Okay, so the first 4 panels are flashbacks to Normanís past. We need to be able to tell the difference between the flashbacks and present time, so the flashbacks need to be drawn in a different way. In my opinion, the best way to do that was how Jim Lee drew the flashbacks in Batman: Hush. Once a flashback popped up, you immediately knew -just by the way the panels were drawn- that weíre seeing a flashback to Batmanís past. Take a look at that comic if you want some inspiration.

PANEL 1
Over the shoulder. Low angle. Living room. Weíre behind a shoulder of a little kid. We watch together as the kidís father getting stabbed in the stomach by Young Norman. The kid has some toys scattered around the floor. Both Young Norman and the father are standing really close to the boy.

NORMAN (O.P.)
I KILLED FATHERS--

PANEL 2
Over the shoulder shot. Weíre now behind Young Norman as he shoots a blonde kid in the head. Itís mid-shooting, so we actually can see the kidís head being exploded.
Important note: Itís not the same kid from the previous panel.

NORMAN (O.P.)
SMOKED SOME KIDS--

PANEL 3
Medium shot. High angle. A naked, red-headed woman is lying down on a food table while a hairy hand covers her mouth. Her makeup is all ruined, and she has tears running down her face.
Sheís clearly being raped.

NORMAN (O.P.)
RAPED A BUNCH OF WIVES--

YOUNG NORMAN
SSSHHH...

PANEL 4
Full shot. Young Norman kicks an old man in his right knee, making his leg twist ugly. We can see the severe pain on the manís face and the pure joy on Young Normanís. Thereís no background to the panel this time.

NORMAN (O.P.)
MADE A COUPLE OF FOLKS HANDICAPPED FOR LIFEÖ

NORMAN (O.P.)
HELL, MOST OF THOSE GOOD DEEDS I DONíT EVEN REMEMBER.

PANEL 5
Medium close-up. High angle. Norman smiles, looking real proud.

NORMAN
SO, PLEASE. REMIND ME SOME MORE.
MAKE ME FUCKING PROUD.

PAGE 4 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Full shot. Low angle. The mysterious chaser made his first step into the light. We can only see his white sneaker.

MOLLY
WELL, DOES THAT MAKE YOU PROUD, DAD--

PANEL 2
Close-up. High angle. Norman looks absolutely shocked.

NORMAN
M-MOLLYÖ

PANEL 3
Same panel as Page 4, Panel 1. The mysterious chaser now fully stepped into the light. Itís Normanís kid, MOLLY (20ís, short black hair, blue eyes). She has a tear running down her cheek, but she looks angry and tough.

MOLLY
THAT NOW I TRULY KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHAT A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE?

PANEL 4
Total blackness.

SFX
BLAMM!
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Old 10-22-2017, 01:42 PM   #2
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Nice one! Definitely made me want to read more. Works both as a standalone story and as a setup for something bigger.
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Old 10-24-2017, 03:22 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SSTiger View Post
Nice one! Definitely made me want to read more. Works both as a standalone story and as a setup for something bigger.
That's really nice to hear, man. Thank you very much I appreciate it that you took the time to read it.
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Old 10-24-2017, 06:14 PM   #4
paul brian deberry
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Good stuff.
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Old 10-25-2017, 01:40 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paul brian deberry View Post
Good stuff.
Hey, thanks. Would you like to elaborate a bit more?
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Old 10-30-2017, 06:12 PM   #6
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paul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to beholdpaul brian deberry is a splendid one to behold

No. Not Really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmitMosheOren View Post
Hey, thanks. Would you like to elaborate a bit more?
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