Proud (4 pgs, Crime/Drama)

AmitMosheOren · 10-22-2017, 12:06 PM

Hi. Hadn't been here for a long time. This is my first script I wrote in three years. Would love to hear what you think about it.

PROUD (4 pgs)
Written by Amit Moshe Oren

PAGE 1 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
Long shot. Dark sewer tunnel. Norman (50’s, short grey hair, grey moustache) is running away from someone. We’re behind him, so we can’t see his face yet.

NORMAN (whispers)
COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.

PANEL 2
Close-up. Norman shoots his pistol while looking back. Because of the light that comes out of the shot, we can get a better look at Norman’s face.

NORMAN
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

SFX
BLAMM!

PANEL 3
Close-up on Norman’s legs. His right leg gets shot in two places.

SFX
BLAMM! BLAMM!

PANEL 4
Full shot. Norman hits the ground. Because of the fall, he loses the grip on his pistol.

SFX
THUD!

PANEL 5
Same panel. Now, Norman is with his back to us, facing the darkness while lying down. With his right hand, he signals his chaser to stop. WIth his left hand, he reaches for his pistol that’s on the ground.

NORMAN
STOP, PLEASE. I GIVE UP.

PAGE 2 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Close-up on Norman’s pistol. Norman pulled the trigger, but nothing came out.

SFX
CLICK!

PANEL 2
Close-up on Norman’s face. He smiles a small grin with his eyes closed.

NORMAN
HEH. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.
YOU MUST BE THRILLED.

PANEL 3
Medium long shot. Dutch low angle. Norman is sitting and looking at the darkness, still smiling. He hadn’t look like that before. His look now is quite crazy and villainous.

NORMAN
AFTER ALL, YOU’RE GONNA BE THE ONE WHO FINALLY KILLED NORMAN CASSIDY.

PANEL 4
Long shot. Profile angle. Norman is looking calmer than ever. As for our mysterious chaser, we can now roughly see the shape of his body, we can see that he’s standing in front of Norman, and that he holds a pistol of his own, but nothing more than that.

NORMAN
SO, WHAT’D I DO TO YOU, HUH?
WHAT’S THE STORY BEHIND MY MYSTERIOUS MURDERER?
‘CAUSE, BOY OH BOY… I MEAN, I DID IT ALL.

PAGE 3 (5 panels)

NOTE:
Okay, so the first 4 panels are flashbacks to Norman’s past. We need to be able to tell the difference between the flashbacks and present time, so the flashbacks need to be drawn in a different way. In my opinion, the best way to do that was how Jim Lee drew the flashbacks in Batman: Hush. Once a flashback popped up, you immediately knew -just by the way the panels were drawn- that we’re seeing a flashback to Batman’s past. Take a look at that comic if you want some inspiration.

PANEL 1
Over the shoulder. Low angle. Living room. We’re behind a shoulder of a little kid. We watch together as the kid’s father getting stabbed in the stomach by Young Norman. The kid has some toys scattered around the floor. Both Young Norman and the father are standing really close to the boy.

NORMAN (O.P.)
I KILLED FATHERS--

PANEL 2
Over the shoulder shot. We’re now behind Young Norman as he shoots a blonde kid in the head. It’s mid-shooting, so we actually can see the kid’s head being exploded.
Important note: It’s not the same kid from the previous panel.

NORMAN (O.P.)
SMOKED SOME KIDS--

PANEL 3
Medium shot. High angle. A naked, red-headed woman is lying down on a food table while a hairy hand covers her mouth. Her makeup is all ruined, and she has tears running down her face.
She’s clearly being raped.

NORMAN (O.P.)
RAPED A BUNCH OF WIVES--

YOUNG NORMAN
SSSHHH...

PANEL 4
Full shot. Young Norman kicks an old man in his right knee, making his leg twist ugly. We can see the severe pain on the man’s face and the pure joy on Young Norman’s. There’s no background to the panel this time.

NORMAN (O.P.)
MADE A COUPLE OF FOLKS HANDICAPPED FOR LIFE…

NORMAN (O.P.)
HELL, MOST OF THOSE GOOD DEEDS I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER.

PANEL 5
Medium close-up. High angle. Norman smiles, looking real proud.

NORMAN
SO, PLEASE. REMIND ME SOME MORE.
MAKE ME FUCKING PROUD.

PAGE 4 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Full shot. Low angle. The mysterious chaser made his first step into the light. We can only see his white sneaker.

MOLLY
WELL, DOES THAT MAKE YOU PROUD, DAD--

PANEL 2
Close-up. High angle. Norman looks absolutely shocked.

NORMAN
M-MOLLY…

PANEL 3
Same panel as Page 4, Panel 1. The mysterious chaser now fully stepped into the light. It’s Norman’s kid, MOLLY (20’s, short black hair, blue eyes). She has a tear running down her cheek, but she looks angry and tough.

MOLLY
THAT NOW I TRULY KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHAT A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE?

PANEL 4
Total blackness.

SFX
BLAMM!

SSTiger · 10-22-2017, 01:42 PM

Nice one! Definitely made me want to read more. Works both as a standalone story and as a setup for something bigger.

AmitMosheOren · 10-24-2017, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SSTiger

Nice one! Definitely made me want to read more. Works both as a standalone story and as a setup for something bigger.

That's really nice to hear, man. Thank you very much

I appreciate it that you took the time to read it.

**paul brian deberry** · 10-24-2017, 06:14 PM

Good stuff.

AmitMosheOren · 10-25-2017, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by paul brian deberry

Good stuff.

Hey, thanks. Would you like to elaborate a bit more?

**paul brian deberry** · 10-30-2017, 06:12 PM

No. Not Really.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmitMosheOren

Hey, thanks. Would you like to elaborate a bit more?

10-22-2017, 12:06 PM	#1
AmitMosheOren Registered User Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 43	Proud (4 pgs, Crime/Drama) Hi. Hadn't been here for a long time. This is my first script I wrote in three years. Would love to hear what you think about it. PROUD (4 pgs) Written by Amit Moshe Oren PAGE 1 (5 panels) PANEL 1 Long shot. Dark sewer tunnel. Norman (50’s, short grey hair, grey moustache) is running away from someone. We’re behind him, so we can’t see his face yet. NORMAN (whispers) COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT. PANEL 2 Close-up. Norman shoots his pistol while looking back. Because of the light that comes out of the shot, we can get a better look at Norman’s face. NORMAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! SFX BLAMM! PANEL 3 Close-up on Norman’s legs. His right leg gets shot in two places. SFX BLAMM! BLAMM! PANEL 4 Full shot. Norman hits the ground. Because of the fall, he loses the grip on his pistol. SFX THUD! PANEL 5 Same panel. Now, Norman is with his back to us, facing the darkness while lying down. With his right hand, he signals his chaser to stop. WIth his left hand, he reaches for his pistol that’s on the ground. NORMAN STOP, PLEASE. I GIVE UP. PAGE 2 (4 panels) PANEL 1 Close-up on Norman’s pistol. Norman pulled the trigger, but nothing came out. SFX CLICK! PANEL 2 Close-up on Norman’s face. He smiles a small grin with his eyes closed. NORMAN HEH. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN. YOU MUST BE THRILLED. PANEL 3 Medium long shot. Dutch low angle. Norman is sitting and looking at the darkness, still smiling. He hadn’t look like that before. His look now is quite crazy and villainous. NORMAN AFTER ALL, YOU’RE GONNA BE THE ONE WHO FINALLY KILLED NORMAN CASSIDY. PANEL 4 Long shot. Profile angle. Norman is looking calmer than ever. As for our mysterious chaser, we can now roughly see the shape of his body, we can see that he’s standing in front of Norman, and that he holds a pistol of his own, but nothing more than that. NORMAN SO, WHAT’D I DO TO YOU, HUH? WHAT’S THE STORY BEHIND MY MYSTERIOUS MURDERER? ‘CAUSE, BOY OH BOY… I MEAN, I DID IT ALL. PAGE 3 (5 panels) NOTE: Okay, so the first 4 panels are flashbacks to Norman’s past. We need to be able to tell the difference between the flashbacks and present time, so the flashbacks need to be drawn in a different way. In my opinion, the best way to do that was how Jim Lee drew the flashbacks in Batman: Hush. Once a flashback popped up, you immediately knew -just by the way the panels were drawn- that we’re seeing a flashback to Batman’s past. Take a look at that comic if you want some inspiration. PANEL 1 Over the shoulder. Low angle. Living room. We’re behind a shoulder of a little kid. We watch together as the kid’s father getting stabbed in the stomach by Young Norman. The kid has some toys scattered around the floor. Both Young Norman and the father are standing really close to the boy. NORMAN (O.P.) I KILLED FATHERS-- PANEL 2 Over the shoulder shot. We’re now behind Young Norman as he shoots a blonde kid in the head. It’s mid-shooting, so we actually can see the kid’s head being exploded. Important note: It’s not the same kid from the previous panel. NORMAN (O.P.) SMOKED SOME KIDS-- PANEL 3 Medium shot. High angle. A naked, red-headed woman is lying down on a food table while a hairy hand covers her mouth. Her makeup is all ruined, and she has tears running down her face. She’s clearly being raped. NORMAN (O.P.) RAPED A BUNCH OF WIVES-- YOUNG NORMAN SSSHHH... PANEL 4 Full shot. Young Norman kicks an old man in his right knee, making his leg twist ugly. We can see the severe pain on the man’s face and the pure joy on Young Norman’s. There’s no background to the panel this time. NORMAN (O.P.) MADE A COUPLE OF FOLKS HANDICAPPED FOR LIFE… NORMAN (O.P.) HELL, MOST OF THOSE GOOD DEEDS I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER. PANEL 5 Medium close-up. High angle. Norman smiles, looking real proud. NORMAN SO, PLEASE. REMIND ME SOME MORE. MAKE ME FUCKING PROUD. PAGE 4 (4 panels) PANEL 1 Full shot. Low angle. The mysterious chaser made his first step into the light. We can only see his white sneaker. MOLLY WELL, DOES THAT MAKE YOU PROUD, DAD-- PANEL 2 Close-up. High angle. Norman looks absolutely shocked. NORMAN M-MOLLY… PANEL 3 Same panel as Page 4, Panel 1. The mysterious chaser now fully stepped into the light. It’s Norman’s kid, MOLLY (20’s, short black hair, blue eyes). She has a tear running down her cheek, but she looks angry and tough. MOLLY THAT NOW I TRULY KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, WHAT A MONSTER YOU REALLY ARE? PANEL 4 Total blackness. SFX BLAMM!

10-22-2017, 01:42 PM	#2
SSTiger sahithstiger@gmail.com Join Date: Jul 2017 Posts: 186	Nice one! Definitely made me want to read more. Works both as a standalone story and as a setup for something bigger. __________________ I am Storyteller, Fortuneseeker, Worldbuilder. Sample Script Writer Portfolio sahithstiger@gmail.com

10-24-2017, 06:14 PM	#4
paul brian deberry is a MASShole Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: just out of reach Posts: 3,669	Good stuff. __________________ P.B.DeBerry is a writer/letterer of words, soup enthusiast in Massachusetts with a talent for over thinking. This bio took him five hours to write. You can read more from P.B. at.. fisticuffswriting.com

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