The Fallen - first 5 pages

TheBeefChief · 04-27-2012, 10:22 AM

Howdy everyone,

Haven't checked in here in a while, because work has got in the way of making comics. I've managed to line up an amazing artist to work on a project with, although this is her first attempt at comics. She's going to paint the panels Alex Ross style, so I can't wait to see what she comes up with. Her portrait stuff is INCREDIBLE, so I'm hugely excited.

There is quite a bit of "direction" in the first couple of pages of the script, but we're going to be discussing each page before she starts on it, so the direction thins out in the next few pages. Be really interested to hear what some of you think, though, as this is my first bash at writing a new comic script in a good year or more.

EDIT: Sorry, should point out it has bad language, so if you're easily offended... etc, etc.

PAGE 1 - 4 PANELS

Panel 1. I see this panel as running across the whole top of the page, taking up maybe a third of the height.

We’re in a dirty, grim-looking bedroom of a run-down hotel. It is late evening.
BATHIN sits in a ripped and tatty armchair, staring at the old-style wood-panelled television. His hands are gripping the arms of the chair tightly. He is either half-hidden by shadow or viewed from behind so we don’t yet see his face.

The only light sources are the TV and a street light somewhere outside.
If the television is visible in the panel, it should show a smiling fair-haired young woman in front of a weather map.

CAP - BATHIN: “THERE IS A WOMAN ON TELEVISION.”

CAP - BATHIN: “AND SHE IS LOOKING AT ME.”

CAP - BATHIN: “AND SHE IS A WHORE.”

Panel 2. A close-up of Bathin’s ear. This panel could be tall and narrow on the left side of the page, running from the bottom of panel 1 to the bottom of the page.

CAP - BATHIN: “SHE SAYS WORDS I DO NOT LIKE TO HEAR. THEY GIVE ME THE BAD FEELING.”

CAP - BATHIN: “MAKE ME ITCH ON THE INSIDE UNTIL I CANNOT LISTEN TO THEM ANY MORE.”

Panel 3. Close-up for a finger pressing the Power button on a remote control. The remote should be held together with tape, the fingernail should be dirty.

CAP - BATHIN: “I PRESS THE BUTTON AND THE SCREEN GOES DARK AND THE ROOM GOES DARK.”

CAP - BATHIN: “BUT I KNOW SHE IS STILL THERE. INSIDE THE TELEVISION. SAYING WORDS I DO NOT LIKE TO HEAR.”

Panel 4. Bathin is looking out of the window. We are outside the window looking up at it from a few feet away. Bathin is half-hidden by the curtains.

He is looking down past us at the street somewhere far below.

This is the first glimpse we get of Bathin’s face. It should still be quite shadowy, but for reference take a look for images of the serial killer Ottis Toole.

CAP - BATHIN: “I GO TO THE WINDOW. IT IS DIRTY ON THE INSIDE AND ON THE OUTSIDE.”

CAP - BATHIN: “THERE IS A WOMAN ON THE STREET AND SHE IS LAUGHING AT ME AND SHE IS A WHORE.”

CAP - BATHIN: “LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE TELEVISION IS A WHORE.”

CAP - BATHIN: “LIKE ALL OF THEM ARE WHORES.”

PAGE 2 - 5 PANELS

Panel 1. Bathin’s point of view looking down at the street. It’s a rough area of a Scottish city (we don’t need to know it’s Scottish, but just for your own reference). Bin bags are piled up in doorways, a couple of windows are boarded up, etc.

A woman is walking along the pavement. We’re too high up to see many details, but she’s just come back from a Hen Night. Maybe have her with an L plate on her back or something. Not massively important, though.

CAP - BATHIN: “I WATCH HER UNTIL SHE HAS WALKED ALL THE WAY ALONG THE STREET.”

CAP - BATHIN: “PAST THE RED DOOR AND THE BLUE DOOR AND THE DOOR I DO NOT LIKE TO LOOK AT.”

Panel 2. Close up of Bathin’s eyes. Again, refer to images of Ottis Toole, particularly the B&W headshot on Wikipedia. Go for that dead look in the eyes.

CAP - BATHIN: “I WATCH UNTIL THE WOMAN WHO WAS JUST RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET IS NOT THERE ANY MORE.”

CAP - BATHIN: “AND THEN I GO BACK TO THE TELEVISION.”

Panel 3. Wide angle shot showing the TV. The weather is still on and the young blonde-haired woman is beaming cheerfully at camera.

CAP - BATHIN: “THE WOMAN IS BACK LOOKING AT ME AND SMILING NOW.”

CAP - BATHIN: “SMILING NOW.”

CAP - BATHIN: “SMILING NOW.”

Panel 4. Same angle on TV, but a little closer, as if the camera is zooming in.

CAP - BATHIN: “HER NAME IS WRITTEN ON THE SCREEN IN YELLOW LETTERS ON A BLUE BACKGROUND.”

CAP - BATHIN: “HER NAME IS WRITTEN EXACTLY LIKE THIS: LACEY CRANE.”

Panel 5. Even closer on the TV. Now all we can see is the woman and a little bit of the weather map behind her.

CAP - BATHIN: “LACEY CRANE IS A WHORE.”

CAP - BATHIN: “AND WHORES MUST BE PUNISHED.”

PAGE 3 - 4 PANELS

Panel 1. Late night, a city centre park. MARTIN stands holding a takeaway coffee cup in one hand. The other hand is in his pocket. He is an unassuming looking man in his mid-30s. Years of worry have made him look older. He’s in CID and wears a heavy light-coloured overcoat that almost swallows him. His breath forms clouds in the cold night air.

There is police “DO NOT CROSS” tape behind him, and we can just see part of a police car in the background.

CAP - MARTIN: “’JOIN THE POLICE, MARTIN.’ THEY SAID. ‘YOU’LL LOVE THE POLICE, MARTIN. IT’S MAGIC.’”

Panel 2. Two white sheets cover what appear to be two dead bodies on the grass.

CAP - MARTIN: “OH AYE. MAGIC.”

Panel 3. Martin is taking a sip of his coffee.

CAP - MARTIN: “I’D LOVE TO MEET THAT CAREERS ADVISOR AGAIN.”

CAP - MARTIN: “SO I COULD PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN HIS FUCKING FACE.”

Panel 4. Similar shot to the previous one, only now Martin has been startled by the sudden arrival of DCI HOON. We don’t see Hoon in this panel, but see his speech bubble. His voice is enough to make Martin spit out his coffee in surprise.

DCI HOON (Off panel): MARTIN!

MARTIN: CHRIST!

PAGE 4 - 4 PANELS

Panel 1. Large panel revealing DCI HOON on the other side of the police tape. Hoon is a bear of a man - think Taggart crossed with Gene Hunt, but bigger. He wears a dark overcoat and has his hands in his pocket. His grey hair is thinning a little, but he still looks more than capable of handling himself in a fight. In contrast, Martin looks even smaller.

DCI HOON: NO’ QUITE, SON, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH.
(link)
WHAT WE GOT?

MARTIN: DCI HOON. IT’S A BELTER THIS ONE, SIR. WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE. DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START.

DCI HOON: WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN AND WHY, SAME AS ALWAYS.
(link)
START WITH THE WHO.

MARTIN: AYE, WELL, WE’RE DOING ALL RIGHT ON THAT FRONT AS IT HAPPENS. YOUNG LASSIE, JUST TURNED 24 THIS MONTH.

Panel 2. Martin holds up a clear plastic bag. It has a driving license inside. We can just make out a photo of a woman - it is the same woman we saw on the TV.

MARTIN: CRANE, HER NAME IS. LACEY CRANE.

DCI HOON: WHAT, THE YANK BIRD? OFF THE TELLY?

MARTIN: UH... I DON’T... I’M NOT...

DCI HOON: AYE YOU DO. DOES THE WEATHER. RIGHT PRETTY WEE THING.

Panel 3. Back to the sheets on the ground.

CAP - DCI HOON: “PROBABLY NO’ ANY MORE, MIND YOU.”

CAP - MARTIN: “AYE, WELL, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.”

Panel 4. Hoon is looking past Martin, over to the white sheets.

DCI HOON: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE?

MARTIN: UH... OTHER ONE?

DCI HOON: THE OTHER VICTIM.

MARTIN: WHAT OTHER VICTIM?

PAGE 5 - 5 PANELS

Panel 1. DCI Hoon has his hand out of his pocket and is stabbing a pudgy finger in the direction of the sheets. He looks irritated.

DCI HOON: THAT OTHER VICTIM.

MARTIN: UM...?

DCI HOON: FUCK’S SAKE. THE SHEET. THE OTHER SHEET.

Panel 2. A flicker of realisation crosses Martin’s face.

MARTIN: OH, THAT. AYE. SORRY, SIR, IT’S BEEN A LONG... EH, NO, YOU SEE...
(link)
THAT’S HER, TOO.
(link)
SHE’S BEEN... SHE’S BEEN CUT IN HALF.

Panel 3. Hoon looks a little surprised, but not shocked.

DCI HOON: AYE? JESUS. THAT’S A NEW ONE.
(link)
SO WHAT’S TOP AND WHAT’S BOTTOM?

MARTIN: NO, SIR, IT’S NOT... I MEAN... THAT’S NOT... IT’S ACTUALLY...

Panel 4. The sheets again, still side by side on the grass.

CAP - MARTIN: “LEFT HALF.”

CAP - MARTIN: “RIGHT HALF.”

Panel 5. Same layout as Panel 3, only now Hoon’s eyes are wide with shock.

DCI HOON: BOLLOCKS.

MARTIN: FUNNY, THAT’S WHAT I SAID.
(link)
AND, WELL YOU SEE THE THING IS, SIR, THE CUT IN HALF THING?
(link)
THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WEIRDEST BIT.

TheBeefChief · 04-28-2012, 05:05 AM

Anyone...?

Steven Forbes · 04-28-2012, 05:10 AM

Baz, I'm ashamed at you.

You know what to do.

-Steven

TheBeefChief · 04-28-2012, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steven Forbes

Baz, I'm ashamed at you.

You know what to do.

-Steven

I'm scared I've forgotten it's been so long. I think I'll submit to TPG actually. I hear the guy who does that will tear you a new one if your script isn't up to scratch...

Steven Forbes · 04-28-2012, 06:22 PM

Yeah, I heard that fairytale, too.

Guy's a pushover.

-Steven

04-27-2012, 10:22 AM	#1
TheBeefChief Apocalypse King Join Date: May 2008 Location: Fort William, Scotland Posts: 131	The Fallen - first 5 pages Howdy everyone, Haven't checked in here in a while, because work has got in the way of making comics. I've managed to line up an amazing artist to work on a project with, although this is her first attempt at comics. She's going to paint the panels Alex Ross style, so I can't wait to see what she comes up with. Her portrait stuff is INCREDIBLE, so I'm hugely excited. There is quite a bit of "direction" in the first couple of pages of the script, but we're going to be discussing each page before she starts on it, so the direction thins out in the next few pages. Be really interested to hear what some of you think, though, as this is my first bash at writing a new comic script in a good year or more. EDIT: Sorry, should point out it has bad language, so if you're easily offended... etc, etc. PAGE 1 - 4 PANELS Panel 1. I see this panel as running across the whole top of the page, taking up maybe a third of the height. We’re in a dirty, grim-looking bedroom of a run-down hotel. It is late evening. BATHIN sits in a ripped and tatty armchair, staring at the old-style wood-panelled television. His hands are gripping the arms of the chair tightly. He is either half-hidden by shadow or viewed from behind so we don’t yet see his face. The only light sources are the TV and a street light somewhere outside. If the television is visible in the panel, it should show a smiling fair-haired young woman in front of a weather map. CAP - BATHIN: “THERE IS A WOMAN ON TELEVISION.” CAP - BATHIN: “AND SHE IS LOOKING AT ME.” CAP - BATHIN: “AND SHE IS A WHORE.” Panel 2. A close-up of Bathin’s ear. This panel could be tall and narrow on the left side of the page, running from the bottom of panel 1 to the bottom of the page. CAP - BATHIN: “SHE SAYS WORDS I DO NOT LIKE TO HEAR. THEY GIVE ME THE BAD FEELING.” CAP - BATHIN: “MAKE ME ITCH ON THE INSIDE UNTIL I CANNOT LISTEN TO THEM ANY MORE.” Panel 3. Close-up for a finger pressing the Power button on a remote control. The remote should be held together with tape, the fingernail should be dirty. CAP - BATHIN: “I PRESS THE BUTTON AND THE SCREEN GOES DARK AND THE ROOM GOES DARK.” CAP - BATHIN: “BUT I KNOW SHE IS STILL THERE. INSIDE THE TELEVISION. SAYING WORDS I DO NOT LIKE TO HEAR.” Panel 4. Bathin is looking out of the window. We are outside the window looking up at it from a few feet away. Bathin is half-hidden by the curtains. He is looking down past us at the street somewhere far below. This is the first glimpse we get of Bathin’s face. It should still be quite shadowy, but for reference take a look for images of the serial killer Ottis Toole. CAP - BATHIN: “I GO TO THE WINDOW. IT IS DIRTY ON THE INSIDE AND ON THE OUTSIDE.” CAP - BATHIN: “THERE IS A WOMAN ON THE STREET AND SHE IS LAUGHING AT ME AND SHE IS A WHORE.” CAP - BATHIN: “LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE TELEVISION IS A WHORE.” CAP - BATHIN: “LIKE ALL OF THEM ARE WHORES.” PAGE 2 - 5 PANELS Panel 1. Bathin’s point of view looking down at the street. It’s a rough area of a Scottish city (we don’t need to know it’s Scottish, but just for your own reference). Bin bags are piled up in doorways, a couple of windows are boarded up, etc. A woman is walking along the pavement. We’re too high up to see many details, but she’s just come back from a Hen Night. Maybe have her with an L plate on her back or something. Not massively important, though. CAP - BATHIN: “I WATCH HER UNTIL SHE HAS WALKED ALL THE WAY ALONG THE STREET.” CAP - BATHIN: “PAST THE RED DOOR AND THE BLUE DOOR AND THE DOOR I DO NOT LIKE TO LOOK AT.” Panel 2. Close up of Bathin’s eyes. Again, refer to images of Ottis Toole, particularly the B&W headshot on Wikipedia. Go for that dead look in the eyes. CAP - BATHIN: “I WATCH UNTIL THE WOMAN WHO WAS JUST RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET IS NOT THERE ANY MORE.” CAP - BATHIN: “AND THEN I GO BACK TO THE TELEVISION.” Panel 3. Wide angle shot showing the TV. The weather is still on and the young blonde-haired woman is beaming cheerfully at camera. CAP - BATHIN: “THE WOMAN IS BACK LOOKING AT ME AND SMILING NOW.” CAP - BATHIN: “SMILING NOW.” CAP - BATHIN: “SMILING NOW.” Panel 4. Same angle on TV, but a little closer, as if the camera is zooming in. CAP - BATHIN: “HER NAME IS WRITTEN ON THE SCREEN IN YELLOW LETTERS ON A BLUE BACKGROUND.” CAP - BATHIN: “HER NAME IS WRITTEN EXACTLY LIKE THIS: LACEY CRANE.” Panel 5. Even closer on the TV. Now all we can see is the woman and a little bit of the weather map behind her. CAP - BATHIN: “LACEY CRANE IS A WHORE.” CAP - BATHIN: “AND WHORES MUST BE PUNISHED.” PAGE 3 - 4 PANELS Panel 1. Late night, a city centre park. MARTIN stands holding a takeaway coffee cup in one hand. The other hand is in his pocket. He is an unassuming looking man in his mid-30s. Years of worry have made him look older. He’s in CID and wears a heavy light-coloured overcoat that almost swallows him. His breath forms clouds in the cold night air. There is police “DO NOT CROSS” tape behind him, and we can just see part of a police car in the background. CAP - MARTIN: “’JOIN THE POLICE, MARTIN.’ THEY SAID. ‘YOU’LL LOVE THE POLICE, MARTIN. IT’S MAGIC.’” Panel 2. Two white sheets cover what appear to be two dead bodies on the grass. CAP - MARTIN: “OH AYE. MAGIC.” Panel 3. Martin is taking a sip of his coffee. CAP - MARTIN: “I’D LOVE TO MEET THAT CAREERS ADVISOR AGAIN.” CAP - MARTIN: “SO I COULD PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN HIS FUCKING FACE.” Panel 4. Similar shot to the previous one, only now Martin has been startled by the sudden arrival of DCI HOON. We don’t see Hoon in this panel, but see his speech bubble. His voice is enough to make Martin spit out his coffee in surprise. DCI HOON (Off panel): MARTIN! MARTIN: CHRIST! PAGE 4 - 4 PANELS Panel 1. Large panel revealing DCI HOON on the other side of the police tape. Hoon is a bear of a man - think Taggart crossed with Gene Hunt, but bigger. He wears a dark overcoat and has his hands in his pocket. His grey hair is thinning a little, but he still looks more than capable of handling himself in a fight. In contrast, Martin looks even smaller. DCI HOON: NO’ QUITE, SON, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH. (link) WHAT WE GOT? MARTIN: DCI HOON. IT’S A BELTER THIS ONE, SIR. WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE. DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. DCI HOON: WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN AND WHY, SAME AS ALWAYS. (link) START WITH THE WHO. MARTIN: AYE, WELL, WE’RE DOING ALL RIGHT ON THAT FRONT AS IT HAPPENS. YOUNG LASSIE, JUST TURNED 24 THIS MONTH. Panel 2. Martin holds up a clear plastic bag. It has a driving license inside. We can just make out a photo of a woman - it is the same woman we saw on the TV. MARTIN: CRANE, HER NAME IS. LACEY CRANE. DCI HOON: WHAT, THE YANK BIRD? OFF THE TELLY? MARTIN: UH... I DON’T... I’M NOT... DCI HOON: AYE YOU DO. DOES THE WEATHER. RIGHT PRETTY WEE THING. Panel 3. Back to the sheets on the ground. CAP - DCI HOON: “PROBABLY NO’ ANY MORE, MIND YOU.” CAP - MARTIN: “AYE, WELL, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.” Panel 4. Hoon is looking past Martin, over to the white sheets. DCI HOON: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE? MARTIN: UH... OTHER ONE? DCI HOON: THE OTHER VICTIM. MARTIN: WHAT OTHER VICTIM? PAGE 5 - 5 PANELS Panel 1. DCI Hoon has his hand out of his pocket and is stabbing a pudgy finger in the direction of the sheets. He looks irritated. DCI HOON: THAT OTHER VICTIM. MARTIN: UM...? DCI HOON: FUCK’S SAKE. THE SHEET. THE OTHER SHEET. Panel 2. A flicker of realisation crosses Martin’s face. MARTIN: OH, THAT. AYE. SORRY, SIR, IT’S BEEN A LONG... EH, NO, YOU SEE... (link) THAT’S HER, TOO. (link) SHE’S BEEN... SHE’S BEEN CUT IN HALF. Panel 3. Hoon looks a little surprised, but not shocked. DCI HOON: AYE? JESUS. THAT’S A NEW ONE. (link) SO WHAT’S TOP AND WHAT’S BOTTOM? MARTIN: NO, SIR, IT’S NOT... I MEAN... THAT’S NOT... IT’S ACTUALLY... Panel 4. The sheets again, still side by side on the grass. CAP - MARTIN: “LEFT HALF.” CAP - MARTIN: “RIGHT HALF.” Panel 5. Same layout as Panel 3, only now Hoon’s eyes are wide with shock. DCI HOON: BOLLOCKS. MARTIN: FUNNY, THAT’S WHAT I SAID. (link) AND, WELL YOU SEE THE THING IS, SIR, THE CUT IN HALF THING? (link) THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WEIRDEST BIT.

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04-28-2012, 05:05 AM	#2
TheBeefChief Apocalypse King Join Date: May 2008 Location: Fort William, Scotland Posts: 131	Anyone...?

04-28-2012, 05:10 AM	#3
Steven Forbes Freelance Editor Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 2,100	Baz, I'm ashamed at you. You know what to do. -Steven

04-28-2012, 06:22 PM	#5
Steven Forbes Freelance Editor Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 2,100	Yeah, I heard that fairytale, too. Guy's a pushover. -Steven