|05-18-2011, 08:41 PM||#1|
The Dan with the Plan
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Long Beach, NY
Here's something old...
5 years to be exact, but I figure I wrote it for more than me.
Panel 1 – A young woman, roughly 18 or 19, is running down a dark alleyway, scared and crying. In the background we see two dirty looking bums. They should be far enough back that they’re cloaked in shadows. The girl should be pretty with a slight belly on her as though she’s just starting to show in her pregnancy. She should have a backpack thrown over one shoulder and her clothes should look like they’re relatively new but dirty. She should be holding her shirt up to her chest, as though it’s been ripped, as she runs. This is Destiny.
Panel 2 – Here the girl comes running out of the alley into the street and trips, falling to the ground. In the background a brand new Mercedes screeches to a stop to avoid hitting the girl. Its lights should be illuminating the ground where she’s fallen. The two bums have come to the end of the alley and are staring at the car.
Panel 3 – View from the alleyway. One of the two bums is pointing at the car and is yelling. The second bum looks concerned. The girl is now pushing herself up, her head turned back to look at the bums. We can see that the man driving the car has gotten out of the car and is making his way towards the girl but he’s cloaked in shadows from the light of the headlights. This is George.
Bum 1 – “Hey! If you know what’s good for you you’ll keep driving!”
Panel 4 – Here we see George standing in front of his car, the headlights lighting him up so we can see his details. He’s a normal looking man in his late 50’s dressed in a suit jacket and pants. He should look well off. He’s staring at the bums with an arrogant smirk on his face. At this point Destiny is up and clutching at George, hugging his waist.
George – “Is that so? Would you prefer if I take you?”
Panel 5 – Now the two bums are running back into the alley way. The second one is already deep into the alley and all we see is his back. The first is just starting to turn to run but is still looking at George, a look of fear in his face.
Bum 1 – “N-n-n-n-o sir. Please no.”
Panel 1 – View of George as he takes off his coat and puts it around Destiny’s shoulders. Destiny is wiping the tears from her cheeks as they stand in front of the car.
Destiny – “Thank you.”
George – “It’s no problem dear. What’s your name?”
Destiny – “Destiny.”
George – “Are you from around here?”
Destiny – “I’m kind of… well, I guess I’m homeless.”
Panel 2 – Destiny and George stand face to face though Destiny has her head turned away as though she’s ashamed to look at him. Destiny is holding the coat closed around her. George is reaching out a hand to her shoulder.
George – “And pregnant?”
Destiny – “Yeah, it’s a long story.”
George – “Look, I’m on my way home from work. My wife is making dinner and she always makes more than we can eat. My two daughters have moved out of the house and we have an extra bedroom and some clothes they left behind. If you want you can stay with us for a while, till you get yourself on your feet. If not I’ll understand but at least let me drive you somewhere safe.”
Destiny – “I… I don’t know. It’d be nice to…”
Panel 3 – View of George as he opens the passenger side door for Destiny, leading her in by her shoulder.
George – “Come dear, I’ll sleep better knowing you and the baby are safe.”
Destiny – “I guess…”
Panel 4 – Now we see George closing the door behind Destiny. He’s looking over his shoulder as though he thinks some one might be watching him.
Panel 5 – View of George and Destiny sitting in the car. Destiny is holding the coat tightly and is laying her head on the window, her eyes closed as she sleeps. George is looking over at her with a kind smile on his face.
Panel 1 – In this panel it’s a short while later as the Mercedes pulls up in front of the front security gates of George’s house. In the background we can see that the driveway leads up to a large house settled on a beautifully landscaped piece of property. As in the panels before, it’s night time and the rain is still coming down.
Panel 2 – View from outside the passenger’s side window into the car. Destiny is now awake and is staring up at the house. Her mouth should be gaping and her eyes wide as she looks on in awe. George should be visible behind her, smiling.
Destiny – “Wow, this is your house?”
George – “It sure is.”
Panel 3 - Now the car is parked near the front door of the house and George is helping Destiny out of the car. Destiny is clutching his jacket around her shoulders tightly.
Destiny – “Are you sure your wife isn’t going to be upset?”
George – “Not even slightly.”
Destiny – “Promise?”
George – “Promise.”
Panel 4 – View of the front entranceway of the house from the inside. George and Destiny have entered the house and George is calling to his wife. Destiny should be looking around in awe.
George – “Laura dear, I’m home. I brought a guest by for dinner.”
Panel 5 – This panel focuses on George’s wife, Laura. She’s standing in the center of the panel holding a large bowl of mashed potatoes with a spoon sticking out of it. She should look like she’s in her late fifties with graying hair and glasses. She’s still wearing her apron from cooking. Her face should be smiling but with a look of concern.
Laura – “Dear me, you’re both drenched! Let me put these potatoes on the table and I’ll fetch you both some dry clothes.”
Panel 6 – View of George and Destiny. George is smiling a kind, loving smile and Destiny looks nervous and tired.
George – “See, I told you she wouldn’t be upset.”
Panel 1 – Destiny, George and Laura are now all sitting around the table eating dinner. The table should be full of food; turkey, potatoes, mixed vegetables and dinner rolls. George and Laura should both be smiling as they watch Destiny eat. Destiny should look like she’s eating her first full meal in weeks. There should be a grandfather clock in the background that shows the time as 7:00.
George – “It’s ok to slow down dear girl, the foods not going anywhere.”
Destiny – “I’m sorry, it’s just… it’s been a while since my last real meal.”
Laura – “Well, eat up. It’s a good thing George found you tonight, I was afraid I had made too much dinner for the two of us. Besides, you’ve a baby to eat for as well.”
Panel 2 – A short while has passed but we’re still at the dinner table. George is sitting back in his chair, his hands crossed over his belly, a smile on his face. Destiny is finishing up the last of her food and Laura is picking up dirty dishes so as to clear the table. The grandfather clock should now say 7:30.
Destiny – “That may have been the best dinner I’ve ever eaten.”
Laura – “You’re too kind.”
George – “And honest.”
Destiny – “Let me help with clearing the table.”
Laura – “That’s quite alright, dear. George will show you to one of our daughter’s bedrooms. It sounds like you’ve had a long day and could use some rest.”
George – “Besides, we’ve some guests coming by tonight and well… maybe we should keep this between us three until you figure out if you’re staying or not.”
Panel 3 – Destiny is now in a bedroom. The room should look like an 18 year old girl used to live in it, though much cleaner. Destiny should be wearing a night shirt as she looks out the window. Outside it’s still raining and we can make out that a car is pulling up the driveway.
Panel 4 – Close up on the car, a BMW, as its occupants step out. The driver is a younger man in his early thirties. He should be well dressed and clean cut. A young woman should be getting out of the passenger door. She, too, is in her early thirties and well dressed. A third person should be getting out of the back passenger side door. This one should look like a bum and should be leaning on the door for support as though he’s drunk.
Panel 5 – Close up of Destiny as she backs away from the window. She should look really, really confused.
Destiny (whisper) – “What the hell?”
Panel 6 – View of Destiny as she now lay in the bed, sleeping. From the view of the room we should see that Laura is at the doorway to the bedroom looking in at her.
Panel 7 – View of the door from inside the room as Laura closes it.
Panel 1 – Same view of the bedroom as before. This time Destiny is sitting up in the bed, staring at the door with a look of fear in her eyes.
Sound effects – “Thump, thump, thump.”
Panel 2 – View of Laura as she opens the bedroom door and is looking at Destiny, a smile on her face.
Laura – “Dear me, did we wake you? I’m so sorry, we just needed to drag… something down the cellar stairs. It was a bit too heavy to carry. Please, go back to sleep, we won’t bother you again.”
Panel 3 – In this panel we find ourselves in the kitchen of the house. Laura is cooking eggs and bacon. Destiny is standing in the doorway in the background. Destiny should look like she’s scared to speak up. Laura is completely unaware that Destiny is behind her.
Caption – “The next morning.”
Destiny – “Ahem. I… I think I’m going to be going.”
Panel 4 – Same view as in the previous panel though this time Laura has turned to acknowledge Destiny’s presence. Destiny is looking down at the ground as though she’s ashamed to look at Laura. Laura should have a kind smile on her face as she holds the frying pan with the eggs and bacon in it.
Destiny – “Thank you for dinner and letting me sleep over night and all, it’s just… well, it’s just that I don’t want to take advantage of you both. You’ve already been so kind and…”
Laura – “Nonsense dear. It was our pleasure having you here for dinner last night. Now come, sit down and eat these eggs I scrambled for you. I’ve got bacon, toast and orange juice as well.”
Destiny – “I couldn’t.”
Laura – “If you don’t eat them I don’t know who will.”
Panel 5 – Laura and Destiny are now sitting down at the table. Destiny is eating her eggs and bacon and Laura is drinking a mug of coffee.
Laura – “George and I are the only ones in this whole big house, our daughters having moved out years ago and such. And George, he works a lot of hours so I’m all alone here most of the time. He’s getting ready to retire but it’s still a ways off and well, I think I can use the company in the mean time.”
Destiny – “But I can’t stay here without giving you something in return and no one’s going to hire me knowing I’m six months pregnant.”
Laura – “We’ve plenty of money, George and I, and we’d really like it if you’d stay. We’d like to see the little one born big and healthy. It’ll only be for a short while, long enough for you to get back on your feet.”
Panel 6 – Close up of Destiny’s. She should be smiling.
Destiny – “Maybe I will stay, if you really don’t mind.”
Panel 1 – View of the house from afar. It’s now towards the end of winter which is visible by a light covering of snow that’s melting away. The sun is out and it’s a beautiful day.
Panel 2 – We’re now inside the house as Destiny and Laura sit in the living room watching TV. Destiny is holding her baby in her lap as she sits in a rocking chair and Laura is on the couch knitting a blanket.
Destiny – “I can’t believe winter’s almost over. These past few months have gone by so quickly.”
Laura – “That they have.”
TV – “We now interrupt the normal broadcasting to bring to you this breaking news.”
Panel 3 – Close up of the TV. On the screen we see a man being led out of his house by police. The house should be very expensive looking even though we can only see the front doorway. The man is the same man that got out of the BMW earlier in the story.
TV – “Police are now taking this man, identified as Dr. Peter Roberts, into custody after a gruesome discovery earlier this morning at his home.”
Panel 4 – View of Destiny and Laura in the living room. Destiny should look slightly surprised and Laura should look a little concerned.
TV – “Acting on evidence brought to their attention by the homeless community police entered Dr. Roberts home and discovered various body parts being stored in his downstairs freezers. It is unclear at this time who they belong to or what they’re doing in his basement.”
Panel 5 – Another panel of Destiny and Laura. This time they’re looking at one another, Destiny trying to hide her confusion and Laura trying to look disgusted.
Laura – “Did you know the man?”
Destiny – “No, no. I’ve never seen him before in my life.”
Laura – “Oh, it’s just… never mind. Anyway, I’m sure it’s just the media sensationalizing the story. He’s a doctor, he’s probably got a good reason to have whatever they say he’s got.”
Panel 1 – Destiny is now in her bedroom. The baby is in a crib on the side of the bed and Destiny is packing things into a backpack on the bed.
Panel 2 – Front view of George as he stands in the doorway of the bedroom. One of his hands is behind his back.
George – “Laura told me you saw the news coverage of the doctor they arrested today. She said you had reacted like you’d seen him before.”
Panel 3 – Rear view of George as he steps into the bed room. We now see that he’s holding a syringe behind his back. In the background we see Destiny staring up at him, slightly confused and scared.
Destiny – “Like I told her, I don’t know who he is.”
George – “Why are you packing?”
Destiny – “I think, maybe, it’s time I get going. I’ve taken advantage of you for long enough.”
Panel 4 – Now George has lunged at Destiny, pinning her up against the wall with the arm that isn’t holding the syringe. Destiny looks scared to death as tears roll down her cheeks.
Destiny – “What, what’re you doing?”
Panel 5 – Now George is pushing the syringe into Destiny’s neck. Destiny’s eyes should be rolling into the back of her skull.
George – “Now dear, we can’t have you going anywhere just yet.”
Panel 1 – An all black panel. This whole page should be drawn as though the reader is seeing everything through Destiny’s eyes. Destiny is waking up in George and Laura’s basement as George cuts through her leg with a bone saw.
Panel 2 – A mostly black panel, this one with the center white as though someone’s opening their eyes.
Panel 3 – View of a basement. George is standing in the center of the panel with a large apron on. He’s holding a bone saw and is covered in blood.
George – “Awake?”
Panel 4 – View of George as he walks over to a work table and places down the bone saw, picking up a syringe in its place. He should be looking towards the reader.
George – “I thought that would have been enough to, well, so that you wouldn’t wake again. The pain must have been horrendous. My apologies, it wasn’t my intention.”
Destiny (From viewers angle) – “muh-muh-muh-my my baby?”
Panel 5 – Now George is standing right over Destiny, the syringe about to be placed in her neck. George should have an evil looking grin on his face.
George – “Dear girl, don’t you know that veal is more tender than beef?”
Panel 6 – A mostly black panel as though Destiny is closing her eyes for the last time.
Panel 7 – An all black panel.
|05-21-2011, 01:13 AM||#3|
The Killah Chinchillah
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Insert pithy witticism here
I like this script, overall. The first panel of the first page could use some more detail in the setting. I wasn't really clear as to the timeframe and general tone of the setting, but otherwise pretty cool.
|05-22-2011, 01:41 PM||#4|
The Dan with the Plan
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Long Beach, NY
I learned that on Chaotic Soldiers. It was the first comic script I ever wrote, some 7 years ago. Making that book was quite the learning experience.
|05-22-2011, 01:41 PM||#5|
The Dan with the Plan
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Long Beach, NY
Thanks for the kind words on this one. As I said, I don't think I'll ever do anything with it but we'll see.