Jasen Smith

"HELP!" Screams a young woman covered in blood and soaking wet from the downpour outside. She stumbles through the front doors of the asylum, making it half way up the hall she falls to the ground with a hard thud. Fellow nurses go to her but standing in the doorway from where she came charging in was a huge stocky silhouette of a man. I could tell he was holding something, looked like a pole with a sharp point. I thought it might be a harpoon. He took a few strides inside the building and instantly I stood up, I couldn't stop this guy even if I hadn't just eaten those half dozen doughnuts and four cups of coffee that Robbie dared me to drink in thirty minutes. Now, I scared, full of sugar, and have to pee, I didn't know what to do first, so I ran down the hall.

My name is Joe, I'm twenty-eight, and have worked in the asylum for ten years. I know everyone here, even the ones behind the cells. They know me, they like me, although it's hard to tell if some like me, I mean, they are crazy. So I think I just witnessed my first murder, just so happens it has to be during my lunch break and I usually don't use the bathroom before going to work, so by the time my lunch comes around I spend thirty minutes of sweet bliss in the toilet all to myself. Did I mention it's raining outside? I can hear the rain hitting the ventilation above me as I stand up from the warm toilet seat. Should I flush? I think I should leave it just in case the sound alerts the crazed mad man in the building.

That's right, I ran down the hall to use the bathroom, if i am to be the hero of this story, I can't very well be covered in my own crap. I peak out of the bathroom door, I can hear Doris up the hall way yelling for her medication, she suffers from a condition called, Cotard Delusion. It's kinda cool actually, she thinks she is a zombie, neat huh?
We once played a trick on Doris on Halloween, we all dressed up as zombies and took a picture with her, guess what she dressed up as. Doris dressed up as a normal living person. It was the first time I thought she is the normal one.

I get e glimpse of the large man, he is now at my workstation, the front desk, "Son of a bitch." I say to myself, he's eating my girlfriend's chocolates.
I still can't see his face, then a loud crack from the thunder outside and the whole place powers down. The back up generators kick on almost immediately. Now the place looks like how it feels.
Let me tell you something, I'm not afraid of anything, wait, I'm afraid of this certain kind of doorknob. I know it sounds strange but it's true. Once when i was a kid my grandma would lock me in a room, the room had this round doorknob with a keyhole, I don't see too many of them around but it just so happens that we have one here where I work, but I never need to go near the door so I never worried about it.

The big man is now walking down the hall towards the crazies, I don't hear the girl that came in through the doors earlier, wonder if she's dead. I think he is far enough up the hall to not hear me, I can't see much, it's still dark, shadows are casting on the floor and I trip over a ball losing my left shoe. I kick the ball with my barefoot, not aloud to wear shocks in case one of the crazies takes it and hangs themselves. I realize it's not a ball, it's a head. It's sitting there staring at me, tongue hanging out, it's Robbie, he's looking right at me almost as if telling me to, "RUN YOU IDIOT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" The bloody girl screamed, I looked around for her but her voice echoed and then I could hear the stomps of that big man that just killed Robbie. Before I could get up and felt a tug on my hair, then I was dragged on the floor, it was wet, I think it's blood, Robbie's blood. Robbie is on blood thinners so he doesn't get blood clods.

He slams my head against a door, I'm not hurt too bad, and up until now I haven't really been scared, but next to my bleeding eye, I see the door knob. The brass tint, keyhole in the center, I terribly frightened. I freak out, swing my arms and kick and scream as if I was a fifteen year old girl about to lose her virginity to the entire football team. I'm scared.
He slams my head again, I hear it crack this time, warm blood drains down the back of my neck. The room is brighter I think to myself. He slams my head again but this time I feel a sharp pain, like a pinch where my neck meets my head, a stinging feeling. He let's go of my head, I try to move but this is when I realize my head is stuck on that door knob. He has hammered my head through the door knob. I couldn't imagine a worse way to die for myself, but I think this is how it's going to end.

The big man walks away, I never see his face, it was a harpoon he was using after all. Several minutes go by, and the girl jumps down from the rafters above, she was hiding up on the ceiling. Smart girl, wish I'd thought of it. "Oh Joe." She says kneeling in front of me. She knows my name and as my eyes focus I realize it's Stephanie, my girlfriend. She looks sad, I can hear her, but I can't speak. I'd tell her how much I love her, I'd tell her how much I wanted to marry her, I was planning on marrying next year, propose during the summer. Been saving up money to buy her a ring. "I love you." I can only hear myself in my head, I can't talk. "I LOVE YOU!" No, nothing, oh my god I have to tell her some way. "NO! I LOVE YOU!! PLEASE!" It's not working, I can't move. My fingers they won't move, I need to touch her face, her hand. Then I see him again, "RUN!" I want to scream and then he slams her face against mine. The door knob now in my mouth, my lips are against hers, our eyes locked by the harpoon sticking through our heads. The last thing I remember is, "Fuck, I forgot about the flowers."

AthenaRose

Last line made me

Good tension throughout. Liked the bit about the woman who thought she was a zombie.

Personal point: I found the switch between tenses distracting.

Jasen Smith

Thanks Athena!!
I have a bad habit with tenses, ever since creative writing class in high school.

Plus the only time I have to write is in between phones calls at work, which usually lets me write a sentence at a time. :P

After rereading is I see your point though, but that comes from stepping away from it so much.
I know I should edit it before posting...but I just too excited

jedipencil

I agree about the tenses, had to go back and see what I'd missed. Great story! The last paragraph is really good....

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AthenaRose

Just one read-through before you post would help - or ask someone else to read it. It's a shame not to because it spoils the flow of what is, otherwise, a great piece.

Buckyrig

It flows like a series of thoughts, ideas, to put into the story, but never being properly sewn together into a complete tapestry. You need to go in and find a flow that naturally progresses from start to finish.

My guess here is that you started with the final image and built your story towards that. It seems like you have some filler in here. If you hammer out a better narrative thread from the start, you should be able to fill in the space with more relevant information. I'd say stay away from stuff like using the bathroom unless there is some kind of point regarding embarrassment, uncomfortable situation, or a juxtaposition with the tone or situation in which the character finds himself.

The idea, particularly for the story assignment, is actually pretty damn good. In a sick, twisted way, but that was the assignment. (You could probably take out the fear of the doorknob thing too. It doesn't really change what happens at the end and it's a forced foreshadowing I think.)

You had two little homophone problems I saw also:



Should be 'peek'.



Should be 'allowed'.

Also - unless maybe you have some inside knowledge on this - workers at an asylum not being allowed to wear socks sounds like something I'd have to look up myself. Doesn't sound right. It sounds like a detail the writer made up.

So, like I said, some good ideas in there, but you need to find the time to sit down and smooth out the execution.