Vgilante Part 2

HulkSmash9 · 08-07-2009, 05:38 PM

Alright, I've taken all the criticisms and I'm trying to write better stories. I've also decided to make vilgante for unique as you shall see in the next story.

Vigilante Part 2-Four Pages

Page 1- Four Panels

Panel 1- Vigilantes alter ego, Walter Dwayne, is hooked up to a drip in his bed. Give Walter a tired expression.

Walters Thought bubble : I waiting for the results to see if I've got cancer but the longer I stay in bed, the more the city goes to waste. But I have to ignore that, my health is my priority.

Panel 2- The doctor opens the door into Walters room, a grave expression on his face.

Walter : Whats the news doctor, I'm I curable.
Doc : Well yes, thats the good news, but the cure is hidden in a top secret facility, and I don't have access to it.

Panel 3- Walter, in anger hits the bedside table, smashing it to pieces. Only show his fist hitting the table.

Sound FX : CRASH!

Walter : GOD DAMMIT!!!!

Panel 4- The doctor, visibly shaken, backs out the door.

Doc : O-Okay Walter, I'll be back later.

Page 2- Three Panels

Panel 1- Walter sitting up in bed, pulls out the drip in his arm.

Walter : I've got to be careful with my powers. Next I might hurt the doctor, and I can't risk that.

Panel 2- Walter is at a small closet in his room, holding the door open, show that the clothes in it are dusty and ripped.

Walter :There is only one option left!!

Panel 3- Close-up of Walters hand typing in a code on a small device stuck on the end wall inside the closet.

Page 3- One large panel

At the back of the closet is a huge room filled with equipment, memorabilia, old suits(including the one in my last story), weapons. Make sure it isn't like the Batcave but is essentially just like a huge stock room rather than an operations center, filled with all his stuff. Make sure it is covered in cobwebs, showing he hasn't been there in a while.

Walter : I'll have to become Vigilante again.

Page Four- Four Panels

Panel 1- Walter is pulling down his suit which is dark blue and has a red skull on the chest, the suit also has gun holster and grenade belts on its upper part.

Panel 2- Walter, now in suit is perched on his window sill, ready to jump on to the street below. The sill should be three floors high.

Walter : I have to be careful, my cancer could have weakened me, I'll keep my wits up.

Panel 3- Show Vigilante, landed on the street, but the landing has messed up and he has his teeth gritted in pain.

Sound FX : Thump!!

Vigilante : (Loudly)ARRRRGH
Vigilante : I was right, this goddamn disease has weakened me big time. This WILL be a liability.

Panel 4- Vigilante, in pain is limping down the street toward the top secret facility where his cure is hidden. Make sure the shot of Vigilante looks grim and foreboding for him, and increase the shadow in the street behind him.

Vigilante : My powers are weakened, my foot is killing me, I wonder If I can even get past the first wave of guards in the facilty while looking for my cure.

BoneMachine · 08-07-2009, 07:06 PM

Your Format's definitely improved. There's still a few "Shows" and "draws" but otherwise this is definitely an improvement. However, one area that confused me was Vigilante's internal monolgue. I say internal as a guess however, because I assumed that having him talk to himself would be ridiculous. However you seem to have forgotten to mark these monologues as CAPTIONS. Unless I'm reading this wrong, and you want him to say it out loud, but I think that would veer beyond parody, and just be rather stupid and irritaiting for the reader.
As for the story itself, unfortunately I don't think I don't think you're getting the balance between parody and just schlock right. Most of this doesn't read like a thought-out parody, more a poorly written, straight-up superhero comic. Your other story worked because everything was so exagerated. Here, it's a bit too lowkey.
Try to emphasise the comedic element of the scene where Vigilante jumps off the roof. When he gets up and walks down the street, you tell the artist to make it grim and foreboding. That's what a competent, cool hero like Batman would do. Here, Vigilante is broken and inadaquate for the task at hand. Emphasise it! Have him walk down the street, with his shoulder's slumped, looking pathetic. In other areas, ratchet Vigilante's internal monolagues up to ten. Think of a Roarschach, without the wonderfully written Moore dialogue. Make sure the reader makes no mistake that this is parody.

Still, there;'s definitely an improvement

Mike V · 08-09-2009, 10:32 AM

If this is a comedic story then I can see some good potential here. The hero leaping from the roof only to hurt his foot is a nice bit but like Bone Machine suggested, it does seem a bit underdone. For example, when the Doc says that the cure is hidden in a top secret facility, it makes me wonder - how the heck does the Doctor know that? It could be a good opportunity to add some more comedy. Calling him Dr. MacGuffin wouldn't hurt either

Also the speech/internal monologue is awkward. When he says things like "my foot is killing me", it doesn't really sound like someone talking to themselves (in their mind) and overall it's more like he's narrating his own story as it happens. This could work if it used some sort of gimmick, such as him being genuinely crazy and talking to himself (or maybe he's recording everything he says because he's writing a tell-all book to cash in on his own fame

). This depends on what you are going for exactly, so this kind of phrasing might be on purpose, this is just the impression I got from this section of the story.

I'd like to see how the story progresses, I think if you can get a consistent pace with the humor then the story could be quite entertaining.

08-07-2009, 05:38 PM	#1
HulkSmash9 Me, a Hulk fan? Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 40	Vgilante Part 2 Alright, I've taken all the criticisms and I'm trying to write better stories. I've also decided to make vilgante for unique as you shall see in the next story. Vigilante Part 2-Four Pages Page 1- Four Panels Panel 1- Vigilantes alter ego, Walter Dwayne, is hooked up to a drip in his bed. Give Walter a tired expression. Walters Thought bubble : I waiting for the results to see if I've got cancer but the longer I stay in bed, the more the city goes to waste. But I have to ignore that, my health is my priority. Panel 2- The doctor opens the door into Walters room, a grave expression on his face. Walter : Whats the news doctor, I'm I curable. Doc : Well yes, thats the good news, but the cure is hidden in a top secret facility, and I don't have access to it. Panel 3- Walter, in anger hits the bedside table, smashing it to pieces. Only show his fist hitting the table. Sound FX : CRASH! Walter : GOD DAMMIT!!!! Panel 4- The doctor, visibly shaken, backs out the door. Doc : O-Okay Walter, I'll be back later. Page 2- Three Panels Panel 1- Walter sitting up in bed, pulls out the drip in his arm. Walter : I've got to be careful with my powers. Next I might hurt the doctor, and I can't risk that. Panel 2- Walter is at a small closet in his room, holding the door open, show that the clothes in it are dusty and ripped. Walter :There is only one option left!! Panel 3- Close-up of Walters hand typing in a code on a small device stuck on the end wall inside the closet. Page 3- One large panel At the back of the closet is a huge room filled with equipment, memorabilia, old suits(including the one in my last story), weapons. Make sure it isn't like the Batcave but is essentially just like a huge stock room rather than an operations center, filled with all his stuff. Make sure it is covered in cobwebs, showing he hasn't been there in a while. Walter : I'll have to become Vigilante again. Page Four- Four Panels Panel 1- Walter is pulling down his suit which is dark blue and has a red skull on the chest, the suit also has gun holster and grenade belts on its upper part. Panel 2- Walter, now in suit is perched on his window sill, ready to jump on to the street below. The sill should be three floors high. Walter : I have to be careful, my cancer could have weakened me, I'll keep my wits up. Panel 3- Show Vigilante, landed on the street, but the landing has messed up and he has his teeth gritted in pain. Sound FX : Thump!! Vigilante : (Loudly)ARRRRGH Vigilante : I was right, this goddamn disease has weakened me big time. This WILL be a liability. Panel 4- Vigilante, in pain is limping down the street toward the top secret facility where his cure is hidden. Make sure the shot of Vigilante looks grim and foreboding for him, and increase the shadow in the street behind him. Vigilante : My powers are weakened, my foot is killing me, I wonder If I can even get past the first wave of guards in the facilty while looking for my cure.

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08-07-2009, 07:06 PM	#2
BoneMachine Also a Paranoid Android Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Co. Wicklow, Ireland Posts: 87	Your Format's definitely improved. There's still a few "Shows" and "draws" but otherwise this is definitely an improvement. However, one area that confused me was Vigilante's internal monolgue. I say internal as a guess however, because I assumed that having him talk to himself would be ridiculous. However you seem to have forgotten to mark these monologues as CAPTIONS. Unless I'm reading this wrong, and you want him to say it out loud, but I think that would veer beyond parody, and just be rather stupid and irritaiting for the reader. As for the story itself, unfortunately I don't think I don't think you're getting the balance between parody and just schlock right. Most of this doesn't read like a thought-out parody, more a poorly written, straight-up superhero comic. Your other story worked because everything was so exagerated. Here, it's a bit too lowkey. Try to emphasise the comedic element of the scene where Vigilante jumps off the roof. When he gets up and walks down the street, you tell the artist to make it grim and foreboding. That's what a competent, cool hero like Batman would do. Here, Vigilante is broken and inadaquate for the task at hand. Emphasise it! Have him walk down the street, with his shoulder's slumped, looking pathetic. In other areas, ratchet Vigilante's internal monolagues up to ten. Think of a Roarschach, without the wonderfully written Moore dialogue. Make sure the reader makes no mistake that this is parody. Still, there;'s definitely an improvement

08-09-2009, 10:32 AM	#3
Mike V Registered User Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 54	If this is a comedic story then I can see some good potential here. The hero leaping from the roof only to hurt his foot is a nice bit but like Bone Machine suggested, it does seem a bit underdone. For example, when the Doc says that the cure is hidden in a top secret facility, it makes me wonder - how the heck does the Doctor know that? It could be a good opportunity to add some more comedy. Calling him Dr. MacGuffin wouldn't hurt either Also the speech/internal monologue is awkward. When he says things like "my foot is killing me", it doesn't really sound like someone talking to themselves (in their mind) and overall it's more like he's narrating his own story as it happens. This could work if it used some sort of gimmick, such as him being genuinely crazy and talking to himself (or maybe he's recording everything he says because he's writing a tell-all book to cash in on his own fame ). This depends on what you are going for exactly, so this kind of phrasing might be on purpose, this is just the impression I got from this section of the story. I'd like to see how the story progresses, I think if you can get a consistent pace with the humor then the story could be quite entertaining.