|04-30-2009, 12:30 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: West Michigan
Parasites of Eden script
Here's the first 10 pages, comments, questions, edits, etc welcome
PAGE 1 (4 panels)
Panel 1: We open on a straight on shot of a church with big wide doors that are closed right now as its Sunday morning service. Stained glass windows flank the doors. One of the windows is a big stained-glass picture of God.
CAP (Narrator): We couldn’t feel his presence anymore…
PANEL 2: A pew comes crashing out through that stained-glass window.
CAP (Narrator): We lost our faith
PANEL 3: Classic spinning newspaper, one reads “GOD IS DEAD” with a photo of the church from the first 2 panels in flames. The second reads “WAR IS IMMINENT” with a picture of one politician punching another one at what looks like a press conference.
CAP: Then we lost our minds
PANEL 4: Is a classic mushroom cloud explosion in the middle of a populated city.
CAP: Then we destroyed ourselves
PAGE 2-3 (2 Panels)
Note: Our first money shot, a big 2 page spread of 2 panels. Split the two panels so they get equalish space over the 2 pages. I’m thinking the Heaven conflict on top and the Hell conflict on the bottom. As far as layouts go either Panel 1 across the tops of pages 2 and 3 or treat pages 2 and 3 as one page and split it diagonally.
A half page splash panel of the alien army’s assault on the gates of Heaven. Go crazy here. I’m thinking a big elaborate battle. The alien army attacks from the left. The armies of Heaven stand against them. Behind them lay the pearly gates.
CAP: We had no idea what was going on above…
A half splash panel of the alien army’s assault on the entrance of Hell. Again, go crazy. The alien army attacks from the right. The armies of Hell have come pouring out to meet the attackers.
CAP: …or below us.
PAGE 4 (4 Panels)
PANEL 1: Aerial shot looking down at Alpha Safe, where our story takes place. There’s twisted wasteland all around it. The middle of the shot is the Safe itself. It looks like someone flipped a gigantic gear on its side and embedded itself halfway into the ground. In the middle of the gear is a round door that could be opened if needed in an emergency. What is unique about the door is that it’s almost completely transparent. This lets light into the Safe during the day.
CAP (Narrator): We struggled, but we survived.
CAP (Narrator): Without any help from above.
CAP (Narrator): The Safes were built with the technology that survived the war that ended the world.
PANEL 2: A Safe is a cylindrical hole dug hundreds of feet in the ground, then lined with metal. ľ’s of the way down this hole narrows. Then, comes back out like a warped hourglass. There are many layers to the Safe with businesses, housing and manufacturing on different levels. The shot I’m looking for on this panel is as if someone dropped a camera down one side of the Safe, then aimed it at the opposite wall and tilted it up slightly so we see the bottom side of the top of the Safe which is obviously also transparent.
CAP: Life started to return to normal, we adapted.
PANEL 3: Chest up shot of the main villain in human form, Zane LeMarceau. Our villain in human form, he looks like a retired football player. A big man, but solid, his hair is gray in spots. He’s smiling pleasantly.
CAP: The old religions were gone, forgotten with the horrors of the war that was. Zane LeMarceau the world’s first international celebrity after The Cleansing, and people worshipped at the altar of that celebrity.
PANEL 4: A shot of Zane’s corporate headquarters, a large building that spans several layers of Alpha Safe. The symbol of Zane is a stylistic ‘Z’ that figures prominently on the front of the building.
CAP: Zane quickly became the most popular man on the planet.
PAGE 5 (3 Panels)
PANEL 1: Pulled back aerial shot of the top of the Alpha Safe. We can barely make out a futuristic car streaking away, leaving a trail of dust behind him.
CAP: People need things transported between Safes discretely. This is where Messengers come in.
PANEL 2: Pull in close trailing shot of the car heading towards a large cave.
PANEL 3: We’re looking behind and above the car. The car’s in the cave, machine guns have sprouted out of the hood of the car and are currently blasting mutants that live in this cave.
CAP: Messengers run into their own unique set of problems out in the Waste.
Messenger: FAWKIN’ RADS!
|04-30-2009, 12:31 AM||#2|
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: West Michigan
PAGE 6 (6 Panels)
PANEL 1: The Messenger’s car parked in an underground parking facility of another Safe. He’s of average height. We see spots of the messy dark brown hair on his head underneath his leather cap. In this panel he’s at the door to the Safe proper. But, he’s confronted by four guards. Three of the four guards just have guns. The last one has an energy shield and a stun baton.
CAP: And inside other Safes.
PANEL 2: The Messenger’s wife, Kara, hits a button on the recording machine built into the wall in front of her. Kara is also of average height, maybe a bit taller than The Messenger. She has layered brown hair past her shoulders. In this panel she’s in her apartment holding a tiny wireless microphone in one hand and wine glass in the other. The apartment is barely lit. She’s turned most of the lights off.
PANEL 3: Now Kara’s moved a bit away from the wall.
Kara: Kage, I should’ve told you…
Kara: All these years I’ve seen them and said nothing
PANEL 4: Kage is the Messenger. We’re back in the underground parking facility. The Messenger dodges out of the way of 3 laser blasts.
PANEL 5: The Messenger’s thrown a discus like object at the guards. We see the path of it travel behind one of the gunmen, bounce off the wall behind him, then ricochet and hit him in the back of the head.
SFX: WHOOSH! CLANG! CRACK!
Messenger: Now I didn’t want to have to hurt you guys.
PANEL 6: Back to Kara, she’s moved across the apartment more as she’s been pacing.
Kara: I have the…the people…the few people who I’ve talked to about this…who have this power, they call it the Sight
Kara: I can see things…they’re all around us.
PAGE 7 (6 Panels)
PANEL 1: The Messenger runs to the right of the two gunmen up the wall behind them.
PANEL 2: He’s back flipped off the wall and in between the two remaining gunmen, stabbing them both with syringes in their shoulders as he lands.
PANEL 3: The two gunmen’s eyes roll up in their heads, they start to drop.
Messenger: G’night you two!
PANEL 4: All 3 Gunmen are on the floor now. The Messenger and the shield guard square off with one another.
Messenger: That’s a handy little toy you got there, does it come with a bottle opener as well?
PANEL 5: The Messenger makes his move. The shield dude holds his shield in his left hand. The messenger has grabbed the right side of the shield with his left hand, shoving the shield to the left, pinning shield dude’s right arm with the baton in it.
PANEL 6: Same shot but The Messenger has jammed the syringe in shield dude’s neck.
Kage: Take a nap, fella. You’ve had a long day.
PAGE 8 (4 Panels)
PANEL 1: Kara’s put down the wine glass, she has some sort of futuristic shotgun in one hand, and she’s still holding the microphone in the other. She’s huddled down on the floor in the corner of the apartment.
Kara: Something’s coming now…
Kara: Don’t be mad baby, I love you.
PANEL 2: What lights were on have gone out except for the one on her, she cocks the shotgun. She’s frightened.
PANEL 3: Same shot as last panel but widen it to the right. There is an outlined figure in the dimness right outside of the lighted area. That figure is Zenebron, the main villain in alien form. Kara now has the shotgun underneath her own chin. Zenebron’s eyes flash in the darkness. Something of note, we can see only a vague outline of the alien/organic wings he has.
SFX (Kara): SOB
Zenebron: I’m your nightmare Kara, you can’t escape from me.
Zenebron: You can never escape your nightmares.
PANEL 4: The lights have completely gone out.
SFX (Kara): AHHHHH!
PAGE 9 (5 Panels)
PANEL 1: Elevated shot of The Messenger making his delivery. His face is mostly covered with a scarf as he hands the package over to an equally covered up recipient.
TM: Safe delivery.
TM: Pardon the pun.
Recipient: I don’t pay you to make bad jokes.
PANEL 2: Kara’s apartment, we’re close up on 2 pictures. Broken glass on one or both and blood on both, the amount is your choice. You can’t see the man with Kara in these first 2 pictures. He’s obscured by blood or broken glass. In the next few panels set in the apartment we want to try and simulate lights flickering on and off. If it ends up not working we can toss it.
PANEL 3: The Messenger speeding away from the Safe he was delivering the package to. It’s night now.
PANEL 4: Back to the apartment, we pan to two more pictures. The first one has the male obscured again. In the second one we see he’s a taller male, but his face is still obscured, again by blood or broken glass.
PANEL 5: The Messenger is in front of his apartment, the front door has been blasted in.
PAGE 10 (3 Panels)
PANEL 1: The Messenger from the neck up. He’s completely shocked.
PANEL 2: Close up on a picture. We finally see the male in the picture with Kara is Kage. This should be a reveal to the reader as they’re finally shown who Kara’s husband is.
PANEL 3: Big reveal, this shot is behind and above the Messenger/Kage’s shoulder. We see the mangled/charred remains of Kara in the corner of the apartment. There should be a carbon outline of her body again the wall like she was standing very close to an intense blast of fire. What we can see of the apartment is completely wrecked, bloody and burnt. Note that nothing is one fire at this point, everything’s been flash fried.
Last edited by theamazingrando; 04-30-2009 at 02:56 PM. Reason: seperating out page 9 and 10
|05-01-2009, 03:55 PM||#4|
Join Date: Mar 2004
Not a bad opening. I'm more of a reader than writer so, I won't have critical critiques.
Most of your scene descriptions gave me a fair/clear picture of the scene/action.
I will say the premise is a bit hard to swallow, with ppl living underground I wonder how they go about getting everyday things they need to have some sense of normalcy.
You may want to elaborate in a pitch what the story is about and who the characters are. Might get more ppl to read it/reply.