|12-08-2008, 03:34 PM||#1|
Join Date: Apr 2005
Need Criticism: Abandoned
A sample script I've been working on and I'm torn between making it a mini-series or an OGN.
Long shot an elderly looking man with his whitish hair tied in a ponytail, dashing dangerously through a thick rush hour traffic, while pushing a heavily pregnant woman on a wheelchair. His name is David Web and the woman's name is Diana.
CAPS: Nightmares begins in the dark.
DAVID: Hold on, we'll be there soon.
DIANA: Oh my God, I can't hold on any longer!
This panel shows a dangerous maneuver between the wheelchair, its patient, David and an oncoming truck. Diana looks petrified, while David has his face hardened in an expression of rage. In the background, we see three sleek, black cars cutting dangerously through the traffic from the wrong direction.
CAPS: We see fear in what we cannot fathom.
DAVID: Watch it you - my God, they're coming!
DRIVER: Out-of-the-way fags!
Close-up shot of Diana's head giving us a 3/4 view of her face. She is gasping at us in fear.
CAPS: My worst fear's daylight.
The angle on this panel is slightly tilted 45 degrees to the right. One of the black cars shot pass them, hurling like a projectile, narrowly missing them as David veers his body and the chair away from its path, while a chopper descends dangerously in the BG
CAPS: I love the musky quietness of the dark hours, while others battle their demons in nightmares.
DAVID: This is getting to much. You have to go Diana... NOW!
DIANA: D-David... No...
Aerial shot of the troubled street. The chopper is in the foreground and the form of an uniformed, armed man protrudes slightly out of the cockpit, targeting the couple below with a sniper rifle. In the midground, David let go of the chair with a savage thrust forward, Diana tries to reach for him futilely; while in the background, the projected car collides with a trailer.
CAPS: I am at peace with mine
DIANA: NO! DAVID!
David hurls himself into the air towards the chopper like a projectile. His fists are covered in a ball of fire.
CAPS: ...until daybreak...
We see David's silhouette as he projects midair only to be pierce by the hail of bullet from the cockpit gunman's gun. In the midground beneath him, we see the wheelchair veering the helpless Diana away from the path of her pursuers and the dangers of the rush-hour traffic.
CAPS: I pretend my insomnia is by nature
Close-up shot of Diana looking backwards with an agonising look on her face, which is wet with silent tears. She stretches out a hand pleadingly at us. In the background are two cars lumbering madly towards here with a narrow space between them.
CAPS: I pretend the pills are working
DIANA (whisper): David....
This panel will depict a telepathic scene between Diana and her husband. The panel opens with a long shot view of David's spread eagle body on the floor (probably half-shadowed by the setting sun in the background). Above the figure is the gigantic, spectre-like image of Diana's head with her eyes tightly shut, her face squeezed up in concentration and her hands covering her eyes.
CAPS: I pretend that I am in control
DIANA (Thought): Don't leave us like this David. We're helpless.
Close shot of David's head with her head in the background (no longer as enormous as PANEL 3's). David's eyes are wide open; they are like a wildcat’s.
CAPS: But I cannot pretend to be who I'm dying to be
CAPS: "I'll do anything for the child, just don't leave me now"
David shots to his feet with his back turned to us as he rams a blow into the front bumper of one of the pursuant cars. The impact of the blow throws the car backwards and into the path of another of its kind. His clothes are torn, his body's bleeding and we can see the bulging muscles through the torn clothing.
CAPS: The delusions do not hold true anymore -
SFX: TAM! (For David's blow, stretching across the impact line between his fist and the car)
SFX: BANG! (For the collision between both cars)
SFX: CLANG! (For the impact of the metal ripping off)
Aerial view of the disturbed street. The gunman is in the foreground with the gun pointed at David below, who is in a crouching position with a fist slammed to the ground, surrounding him and spreading about is a ring of fire. Heading towards David are three cars from three different directions.
CAPS: I am a monster
SFX: BOOM! (For the impact of David's blow)
SFX: Click! (For the rifle)
This is an action splash page. Diana is in the foreground, crouching low on the chair with the upper-half of her body slightly thrust forward. Her hair flies wildly behind her in the air and her hand is still covering her ears, however the grip is tighter. David is in the midground with the ring of fire surrounding him and a bullet pierced through his forehead from the cockpit shooter throwing his body backwards. Within close range of his body are exploded chucks of car parts, humans hurled into the air unceremoniously and crashed cars. In the background, is a gigantic tongue of fire licking the chopper.
CAPS: And everything I touch is lost forever.
SFX: BANG! (For the bullet)
SFX: SMASH! (For the exploded cars)
SFX: Arg! Ouch! (For the bodies thrown into the air)
SFX: Fruump! (For the burning chopper)
We see the silhouette of a woman spooning a six-month-old boy, seated on a table. Somewhere in the BG we can make out TV set.
CAPS: Several months later.
WOMAN SILHOULETTE: This is the last of it, o.k. Do you like it? Delicious?
TV: ... News just coming in. The lower half of Terbin has been hit by what the authorities are now calling terrorist attacks.
Close shot of the woman dabbling at the silhouette infant's mouth.
WOMAN: Ssh. There'll be more where that came from
TV: One thousand, two hundred and fifty-two people have been confirmed dead and several more wounded.
Medium shot of a pair of feminine hands, with a blood-soiled bandage wrapped around her palm, reaching for a bunch of keys lying beside the shattered portrait of a husband and wife.
WOMAN: As soon as we can get away.
TV: The authorities are blaming the terrorist group known as the Children of Balms for the attacks.
A naked bulb lights up.
WOMAN (O/P): Be a nice boy and close your eyes...
Long shot. A woman in a dirty nightgown with a six-month year old boy slug across her shoulder reaches for a battered door in the B/G. The boy's eyes are deep pools of blazing red. He has a smug smile on his face. In the M/G are lifeless forms of three men in tactical uniforms. The F/G has the bloodied corpses of a bridegroom, his bride (the man and woman in the picture in panel 3) and a cracked TV set.
WOMAN: Ssssh. Close your eyes.
TV: There's no word yet from Children of Balms, their affiliates or representatives. If they do acknowledge the attack, this will make it their biggest yet, suggesting that other fractions are involved.
Close shot of a pair of legs with loose shoelaces, sitting over a red-brick wall.
CAPS: Years later...
O/P VOICE: You know it doesn't have to come to this.
Medium shot of the legs dangling.
O/P VOICE: Ok, I'll be honest with you.
Close shot of a pair of red lips, curling into a smile.
O/P VOICE: It's horrible what they've made us become...
Close shot of the lower half of the face.
O/P VOICE: Monstrous? Yes, monstrous. But the point is it's not the end of the world.
Medium shot of a beautiful, teary eyed woman, looking over her shoulder at us. She is wearing a sad smile. Her name is Sandy Frost. In the BG, we see a sprawling city below.
SANDY: Do you think so?
PANEL 1; Long shot. In the FG, we have the woman looking over her shoulder at a trench coat wearing man in his midtwenties. The two of them are standing on the rooftop of a skyscraper. The background is made of skyscraper of varying heights and two helicopters hovering in the air. The man’s hands are outstretched in a pacifist pose. The man’s name is Josh Riley
JOSH: Yes. Yes-I-think-so, but the point of the matter is what you are about to do wouldn’t change a thing. Not from what it is.
PANEL 2: Medium worms eye view of Sandy. We can now see that she is seated on the edge of the rooftop. In the BG below, we can see police cars, cops trying to form a barricade against onlookers and a sprawling bundle, in a pool of blood, draped with white sheet
SANDY: It's not what it is I intend to change, it's what it will become.
JOSH (O/P): What will it become?
PANEL 3: Sandy gets up. Josh rises in hands in protest, alarmed.
JOSH: No-no-no-no. We-I-didn't mean it. L-look if you're comfy sitting there, so am I. I mean-
PANEL 4: Close shot of Josh's grinning face. However, the grin doesn't appear to be genuine.
JOSH: We are only talking after all.
PANEL 5: Close shot of Josh's grinning face turning into shock.
JOSH: NO. Don-t-you-dare-
This is a 3 panel page with the first panel serving as a backdrop of the other two. The other two will be to the righthandside of the page and vertically arranged
PANEL 1: This panel captures graceful body as it leans forward and falls off the roof.
PANEL 2: Josh breaks into a run towards us. His face is a mask of fury.
PANEL 3: Close shot of Josh's foot as it lifts.
PANEL 1: Josh is holding the edge of the roof for support after plunging after Sandy and grabbing hold of her. The wind is lashing at them.
PANEL 2: Medium Birdseye view. Sandy's looking at us beseechingly.
JOSH (O/P): Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you!
PANEL 3: Close shot of Sandy's face. Her eyes are tightly shut. Tears are running down the corners of her eyes.
JOSH (O/P): What is wrong with you people!
PANEL 4: Almost the same shot as panel 2. However, Sandy's eyes are no longer pleading. They are blazing with anger. Her hands are tearing at Josh's hold on her. Slashing through his clothing and splattering blood into the air.
PANEL 5: Birdseye view. Josh throws his head back in agony. His jaws are clenched and his teeth gritted.
SANDY: Leeme go! Leeme go, you bastard!
O/P VOICE: Standby Detective Riley, Alpha three is coming in.
PANEL 6: Long worms eye view. Sandy and Josh are in the FG. In the MG is one of the helicopter with a man in skydiving gear standing on the landing skid. The man's name is Sean Maguire aka Alpha Three.
Last edited by Hammerix; 12-09-2008 at 02:41 PM.
|12-08-2008, 03:53 PM||#2|
Join Date: Jun 2003
Ok, due to time issues I only read the first page, but what you have is a nice hook, but I think you're forcing too much on page one here. This page should be split to a second page to convey that much info.
Page one is your grabber. Don't hook someone and then scare them off all at once. You want them to be enticed and turn the page. Your job is to keep them holding onto that book all the way to the checkout.
|12-08-2008, 06:44 PM||#3|
Join Date: Feb 2003
Okay, I'm going to do a real quick crit on this, and then get to some heavy lifting other places, so forgive me if this seems a little rushed.
Your panel descriptions are too light in content. Taking the first one, you have a guy going through rush hour traffic. My mind sees him in a car, until you mention the wheelchair, and then it doesn't compute. Getting him out of a car is my first jump, and then putting him in the street pushing a wheelchair is another. You take the time to describe his hair but not what he's wearing, which can be a sticking point if you're going for something specific. The big shame about this is we're given to assume a city street, but it's never said.
Rush hour traffic usually means gridlock, so I don't know how someone can dangerously dash in it if cars are stopped or moving slowly. I don't know how many elderly people can dash, anyway.
Panel 2 is an impossibility. This cannot be drawn. If it's from David's pov, we can't see his face, we can only see the truck. This would put the black cars behind the truck, and they wouldn't be able to be seen as going in the wrong direction. They won't be able to be seen anyway, because if its from his pov, the cars will be behind him, which puts them off the camera. If it's from the pov of the truck, the camera would have to be inside the truck in order to get that much detail, but your implication is that this is outside of the truck. Even from the outside of the truck, depending on how far away it is, you're not going to be able to fit the cars going the wrong way in the background. They're going to be hidden by the other cars, or cut off because of the camera angle.
Two panels, basically in a white void, and some pretentious sounding dialogue for a voiceover, with spelling/grammar mistakes in them.
I don't have to read any more to know you need to hone your skills a lot more. When the first thing a reader sees is "nightmares begins," they know they're going to be in for a long ride, if they pick the book up at all.
So, you have a lot of work ahead of you.
Slow down and take the time to establish a setting. After that, if you're writing this in Word, pay attention to the green and red lines that pop up. They're there for a reason.
That's basically where I stopped reading. Go back, work on it more, and the put up the results. I suggest looking at a few professional scripts while you're at it, to see what should be in a script. See if you're able to get a picture of what's going on from their panel descriptions, and if you can, see what they're putting in and leaving out in order to evoke that picture in your mind.
Okay, time to work on my own stuff. Hope this helps.