|10-30-2008, 05:26 PM||#1|
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: None of your bussiness
Here are some sripts for characters like Nick Fury, Wolverine and Nightmare on Elm Street, all that I ask is to forget the concept and crit the writing.
1/A shot of Nick Fury and a lot of other shield agents as Nick fury is furious . He is yelling and Black Widow doesn't look like she wants to hear it . Pictures of a Ultron is up on the board .
Nick Fury: Damn it !
Nick Fury: How in the hell do you call your selves shield agents ? Huh , tell me cause I would like to know, how you let ultron of all villains blow up a bank of America and steal Thirty thousand dollars in us citizen money !?!
2/A close up shot of a new agent as he looks lost and doesn't have a clue of what is going on .
New Agent: Err, I ....Dont......know ?
3/A close up shot on Nick as he is still hollering at the agents .
Nick Fury: Thirty thousand dollars ! Does any one know who's going to pay fer that ?! Here's a hint not the son of bitch who stole the money and blew a hole in the back the size of a football goal . No not him nor the Owner who owns the damn bank .
4/Another shot of the new agent as he still looks clue less.
New Agent: Err, I ....Dont......know ?
5/A close up shot of Nick again and he still is pissed .
Nick Fury: Shield , that's who going to pay for it .
1/Another shot of the new agent as he suggests an answer to all of their problems .
New Agent: What about Damage Control ?
2/A shot of Nick fury as he looks calm but still is furious .
Nick Fury: Damage Control ?!?
Nick Fury: They have enough problems as it is, ya know with Wolverine killing their CEO and the Chrysler building coming to life after Hulk coming to earth and smashing everything in site .
3/Nick fury pauses and looks at Black Widow as she pick with her nails as if nothing Nick Fury was saying was important .
4/ A close up shot on Black Widow as she picks with her nails some more .
5/Nick Fury points at the door as he still has his eyes set on Black Widow .
Nick Fury: Everyone leave .
6/A shot of Black Widow getting up out of her seat like everyone else is right when Nick Fury stops her .
Nick Fury: Except for you, Widow .
1/ A shot of Nick Fury and Black Widow talking .
Black Widow: Is there something wrong, general ?
Nick Fury: I was beginning to ask you the same thing .
2/Close up shot on Black Widow she's trying to find out something to say .
Black Widow: No its just.......It's just
3/Nick fury is talking to Black Widow .
Nick Fury: Just what ? You can tell me anything .
Black Widow: Every since you came back it seems like every thing is back right again .
4/Nick Fury smiles and Black Widow smiles back .
5/Nick Fury and Black Widow comes closer to each other .
6/Nick Fury and Black Widow kiss .
1/Splash page of wolverine as he is getting his behind handed to him by omega red . The setting is in the danger room .
Caption: People call me wolverine
Caption: I'm the best there is at what I do .
Caption: And what I do best is kick bad guy's ass .
Caption: But it seems that this particular guy is kicking mines .
1/A shot of omega as he grabs wolverine with his tenacles .
Omega Red: Wolverine, me and you should really do this more often .
2/Now omega red throws wolvie into a wall .
Wolverine: When I get outta this i'm going to cut you into little peices .
Omega Red: Why be so cruel, wolverine .
3/Omega red tries to smash wolvies head with his tentacles but leaves a dent in the
wall . Wolvie looks at the dent .
Omega Red: Lets change that face of yours .
4/Wolverine runs toward omega red and doges every punch by his tentacles .
5/ A close up shot of wolverine's face .
6/Wolverine stabs omega red in the stomach .
Omega Red: Huh
Wolverine: Shut up
7/Close up shot on Omega red's face .
Omega Red: Unggh
1/Close up shot on Omega's face as he laughs right in wolverine's face .
Omega Red: Ha Ha Ha
Wolverine: Whats so funny , bub
2/Wolverine takes his claws out of Omega Red while Omega Red looks shocked .
Omega: That fact that we fought so many times and you still cant get it through your thick adamuntium skull that you can't hurt me .
Wolverine: No, The funny part aint that, the funny part is you're tryin to fight me in the danger room .
Omega Red: And how is that funny .
Wolverine: Cause even though I cant hurt cha that centinel can .
3/ A shot of wolverine running and a large centinel foot crushes Omega Red . The setting has changed they're now in a new york setting with fire and centinels everywhere .
Wolverine: Have a fun time , Arkady . Scott , Turn the level up to the maxium and get me the hell outta here .
4/Scott and Wolverine are watching Omega red get his tail handed to him by the centienels .
Wolverine: Took ya long enough .
Scott: I had to make sure everyone was safe .
Wolverine: No, you had ta make sure emma was safe .
1/A shot of a car on a bridge as it goes 60 miles per hour. It is a sunny afternoon and the shot is in the sky as we have a bird eyes view. It is a small car and it has some bikes on the back of the blue small car(four door)
2/ Now we get closer to the car and they are still on the bridge. We can see a mother, a father, a boy and the main charcater of this story a teenage girl. (Its funny that all of these horror movies have teenagers fighting a horror legend like Freddy.)
3/ Now we are really close as we can see her face. She looks like a Gothic/emo kid, which is the trend these days, you know the type a girls who has all of the piercings and the all black on. She has on her ipod and she is rocking to her favorite song.
4/ Now we are inside the car as the girl is still rocking too her favorite song and her parents are in the front. The father look like one of those dads who has no control and he is not that intelligent. While he drives the mom is reading her a magazine as she is in her own world. The boy is about 9 and he is playing him some psp games. The girl is bobbing her head as she listens to the ipod.
Jessica(Gothic/emo girl): Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room on my private womb
While the moms and brats are away( letterer note: These are song lyrics so could you please add the music note.)
5/While the girls is still rocking the mom is turned around looking at her in an angry face. The boy is now yelling and the dad is still peaceful.
Jessica: To fall in love, we fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
And Mary Jane
To keep me insane
Doing someone Else's cocaine
Boy: Mommy! Could you tell Jessica to shut up, so I can play my game?
Mom: Jessica, could you keep it down I'm trying to read, your father is trying to drive, and your brother is playing that freaking game of his.
6/ The girls starts to take off her ear phones and now she has that face of what I do. The mom and the boy are looking at her in angry face, and the dad is still peaceful.
Jessica: What did ya say?
1/Now they pull up on the street and the houses are small but beautiful and it looks like a nice neighborhood.
2/ The father is pretty excited and everyone look pretty bored.
Dad: Here it is folks, this is our new community, so, what do you think.
3/Close up shot on the mother as she looks excited.
Mother: Its beautiful
4/ Close up shot on the boy as he is too focused on the game.
Boy: Sweet, I'm on level 4.
5/ Now the girl looks completely bored and she has a dull look on her face.
1/The boy is sitting on the couch as two men are trying to bring the couch in the house. The girl is sitting on the steps outside listening to her music while she looks in the Sky's.
2/Different angle and closer shot of her as she falls asleep on the steps.
3/ The girls is now awake and Freddy is walking down the street past her house. She is still on the steps .
Freddy: Whats going on?
Jessica: Who in the hell are you?
4/Now Freddy is right in front of her as he has his right leg placed on the step and is resting on it. The girls is not afraid of him yet but she is still looking dull.
Freddy: Oh, I'm a nobody.
Freddy: Whats that you listening to?
Jessica: None of your damn business, now leave me alone.
5/Now Freddy is chocking the girl and is trying to take the ear phones off. The girl is shocked but not scared.
Freddy: Now, look a here you little bitch, don't act stupid! All I want is the damn ipod!
Jessica: Get the fuck off of me!
Voice: Honey, wake up.
1/The dad is standing over her as she is rattled. The ipod is gone and the sun is starting to come down.
Dad: Wake up, honey. You OK? You were pushing, and shoving, and kicking.
Jessica: Yeah, dad.
2/ The dad starts to sit down and have a father-daughter moment.
Dad: You sure, cause you've been acting strange, every since I told you we were moving.
3/Close up shot of the girl, the dad is out of the panel and her face expression is starting to look different.
Jessica: I'm fine, OK.
4/Both are back in the panel as they talk.
Dad: OK, now. If you need to talk--
Jessica: Dad, I'm fine I just had this dream of this guy taking my..
5/She looks at down and sees her ipod missing.
1/Now the shot is at the dinner table and the girl has her head on the table. The whole family is eating and their house is not quite finished yet. IT is beautiful but it is empty.The mother is a little frustrated with her.
Mom: I'm sure you just misplaced the damn thing, now get up and eat. Jeez, you act like everything is the end of the world.
2/Now the dad and the boy are out of the panel as the daughter fusses with her mother.
Jessica: You don't understand, the guy took it.
Mom: So the man of your dreams took your ipod?
Jessica: No, I mean Yes.
3/Close up shot of the mom as she has on a dull face.
Mom: Wow, you are becoming pathetic.
4/Close up shot of the girl as she looks like she doesn't care.
Jessica: Fine, don't believe me. Shows how much you guys care.
Mom: What was that? Jessica, go up to your room.
1/Close up shot of Jessica as she lays down in her bed looking at her one poster she has on the wall. The room is not done yet neither but her bed is upstairs and her one poster is up.
FX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
2/She stands up in her bed as she looks at the door and the door opens up a little.
Jessica: Come in!
3/ Her father walks in the room and he stands by the light switch.
Dad: Hey. Just wanted to check in on ya. Sorry for what happened earlier, its just me and your mom are adjusting too, and we need you to be patient. So, could you do that for me?
Jessica: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
4/The girl lays down and the dad has his finger on the switch.
Dad: That's my girl.
Jessica: Dad,could you turn the light off?
Dad: Sure, honey, no problem.
5/ An all dark panel.
Voice: I'm back
1/Splash page off the girl as she cuts on the lights and Freddy is their listening to her Ipod.
Jessica: What in the hell are you doing here?
Freddy: You should really stop listening to this trash.
1/Nice big panel that takes up half off the page with Jessica just standing there as if he disappeared.
Jessica: Where the fuck he go?
2/Jessica opens the door to her mother being fucked by Freddy and her dad laying on the floor dead. Freddy still has on his his sweater but his pants are around his knees. He is from behind the mother by the way.
Freddy: This is not what it looks like, honey.
|10-30-2008, 10:58 PM||#2|
Join Date: Apr 2008
First page, first panel. The only way that I know Black Widow is in the panel is by inferring from "and she doesn't want to hear it". You need to be direct about who's in the panel and what their presence is. I don't think artists are dumb and I know they read the script before they start to draw, but when they're in the middle of doing a page at 3AM and running on nothing but coffee, it's nice to have notes that specifically state what's going on. Bottom line is, just because he can figure stuff out doesn't mean you shouldn't make it as easy as possible for him.
It's a nuance, but it's a big nuance. Ultron only stole thirty thousand dollars? There's guys in LA that yank that much out of a bank every month. You've deflated the drama of it. I'm not going to critique the concept of Ultron robbing a bank, though it's kind of weak. But if he's going to rob a bank, it needs to be for a few million dollars, or even a billion. If it's not even important where the robbery takes place, have him grab all the gold in Fort Knox. Again, I can go with the concept of a bank robbery, but for your story to have a sense of drama you've got to make it astounding. What's the difference between all those bank robberies I've mentioned and the one that made headlines in 1997? It was only two guys and they held off an entire police department for nearly an hour, killing and wounding several. There's the drama, because it's astounding.
"Every since you came back it seems like every thing is back right again"
Awkward dialogue. It doesn't flow and you have to read it twice to catch the drift of what Widow is saying. I'd say you need to look at all your dialogue, but that's the most distinct example I saw of this.
Overall, I think you need to work on your basic storytelling first. Develop a STORY. There's nothing wrong with using pre-existing characters, in fact that makes it easier to focus on the story, which is the important thing. Try to do something very simple. Take a character, make them face a problem, give them a decision, have the character make the decision, and then show us the result of that decision. That's the basic framework of any story.
The new Transformers Animated series or Samurai Jack are great examples of short storytelling. Take a look at those and then work on your scripting technique.
Also, for formatting help to make your scripts a little easier, go over to Dark Horse's website and download their script template. It's good and will give you practice at formatting your stuff for future submissions.