|04-09-2008, 10:32 PM||#1|
Writer of 1,000 pitches
Join Date: Dec 2007
The Throwaway #2...enjoy
Former soldier and intelligence agent Darnell Hayes works as a gun for hire. Though his price is steep, he usually doesn’t ask any questions. Unfortunate, since his last bounty was clean up for an exchange of passports and microchips for money between his supposed target and his employer which went wrong. Things get murkier when an unknown party retains Darnell to rescue the thief who is likely being interrogated by his captors. Darnell was very reluctant to take the bounty until he discovered that the Russian microchip thief has ties to Darnell’s very first mission as a covert operative ten years earlier…A mission where he learned that his military black and white mentality ill prepared him for the shades of gray that one is exposed to in the field of espionage.
Page 1 six panels
Page 1a) A non-descript facility, approaching dusk. The writing on the wall is German.
Page 1b) There is a security guard at the front desk. He is watching
Heute Abend auf Wetten, dass?
Page 1c) A monitor where the security guard is stationed shows the time as being 6:10 p.m. The guard’s watch is also in frame and it shows 6:27 p.m.
Page 1d) View of what appears to be a high tech laboratory.
Page 1e) Ant's-eye view of a lab technician and a security guard are being dragged into a utility closet.
Page 1f) T.J. Villegas, an attractive, curly haired and athletic field agent comes out of the room, talking into an earpiece. She is wearing all black camouflage gear.
3rd floor hostiles are down. Gas still has everyone else in 3 Epsilon sedated. We’re four minutes behind, I need a Sit-Rep.
Ran into a few with gas masks, but I’m fine and so is our sleeper. Hold position at the eastern corridor.
Well get the lead out and stop moving like an…
Page 2 splash) Darnell, who is also wearing all black camo kicks a double door open. He is helping an older man who has a cane.
Page 2 inset) T.J. has a pissed off look on her face.
Page 3 seven panels
Page 3a) They are all talking. Darnell helps the man lean against a wall. The professor reveals under his lab coat, he is carrying a nebulizer.
Professor Wilhelm Muller. Your chemical engineering resume is impressive.
Ja. My apologies for the delay, but as you can see, I had to recover my nebulizer. Cystic fibrosis, among other ailments this old body possesses.
You did fine Professor.
Page 3b) The professor puts his hand on Darnell’s shoulder. T.J. gives a look of disdain off to the right.
The gas still would have left me insensate. Thank you for the use of your protective mask.
And for blowing your cover, estupido.
Page 3c) Darnell taps his wrist mounted P.D.A.
Still can’t get a signal on this damn thing.
Even though this section is kept a secret from the rest of the facility, who knows how long they’ll stay knocked out, or how long we can keep the normal security with their heads up their own asses.
Then we must utilize the roof access expeditiously mein freund. There is separate security there for visiting clientele on the helipad.
Page 3d) T.J.’s P.D.A. has a digital schematic of the building. She points off to the left. The Professor is holding a vial full of orange clear liquid.
What kind of clientele?
Algerians, Egyptians, Russians, even some American interests. It needs to get to someone who actually thinks a biological weapon in accelerant form is a bad thing, and can produce a counter agent quicker than this can get mass produced.
Page 3e) They exit through the doorway into a staircase. The professor presses a red button on his nebulizer as he passes a camera with its light red.
I.E. Not the German Defense Ministry.
Landesamt fur Verfassungsschutz.*
Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit.*
Your sarcasm is better in German than my own.
Page 3f) The camera’s red light turns green.
Let’s move it then.
Page 3g) The camera turns toward them.
No surprises yet and don’t need any at this point
Page 4 eight panels
Page 4a) Two armed guards are waiting at the roof access. One of the guards looks at the door confused as he hears a knock from the other side.
Page 4b) The guard slides open a small viewing portal.
Page 4c) All the guard sees is Professor Muller holding a cigarette, smiling.
Page 4d) The guard starts unlocking the door.
Was machen Sie?
Der Professor. Eine Zigarette.
PROFESSOR HAT SIE ASTHMA. ZIGARETTE NICHT RAUCHT!
Page 4e) The door smashes the first guard in the face. Blood splatters.
Page 4f) T.J. elbows the first guard in the back of the head. Darnell disarms the other guard.
Right. He doesn’t smoke.
Let’s try this again.
Page 4g) T.J. lights the cigarette. Darnell tries again to upload the data.
Hey soldier boy, be quick with that signal. No fallin' asleep on the…
Page 4h) T.J. turns around sees Darnell’s body lying on the ground.
Page 5 eight panels
Page 5a) T.J. quickly turns to her right.
Page 5b) A plastic looking dart gun is pointed at T.J.
Page 5c) T.J. tries to raise her sidearm.
Page 5d) The gun pointed at her goes off.
Page 5e) T.J. falls to the ground. Red is running from her neck.
Page 5f) Shot of a person’s shoes as he walks away from T.J’s body.
Page 5g) He walks to Darnell’s body.
Page 5h) He takes Darnell’s PDA off of his wrist, which also appears to be bloody.
I have some anxious customers who have been awaiting this data mein freund.
Page 6 seven pages
Page 6a Splash) Professor Muller connects the dart gun back to his nebulizer and he is using Darnell’s PDA.
Thank you for getting these annoying pests off me long enough to do so.
Page 6b) Darnell’s eyes open.
Page 6c) Professor Muller stands in contemplation
IRA, or Los Revolucionarios, or...
Page 6d) Professor Muller turns around and Darnell is standing there with a bloody shoulder.
Page 6e) Professor Muller looks at his nebulizer.
Page 6f) He reaches for the gun.
Page 6g) Darnell has his already out.
Sorry Doc, you failed.
So did you.
Page 7 five panels
Page 7a) Liz Warfield and Edmond McAllister come out from the roof access.
This exercise is over.
What do you mean over?
Over as in unmitigated failure.
Page 7b) The guards start getting up. T.J. walks over to one of them.
Sorry about…the door…yeah.
Page 7c) Darnell continues venting.
We didn’t alert the civilian sectors. We took out all of the guards non-lethal. We even stopped your little extra credit project, the Professor who happened to be the mole, but for the other side.
My idea, thank you.
Page 7d) Liz and Edmond walk ahead of the rest of the group.
Is this the gas mask thing? None of the grunts caught a good glimpse.
But the plant did, however that is not the point. You seem to have neglected something we’ve beat into you since day one.
Page 7e) T.J. lowers her head. Darnell has an angry look. The guards are scratching their heads in the background.
If as a spy, you have to use your firearm, you have already failed the mission.
The Financial District. Lower Manhattan. Night time.
Page 8 eight panels
Page 8a) A black 2008 BMW X3 pulls into an alleyway.
Page 8b INT) A large attaché case is opened.
Secret operations are essential in war.
Page 8b inset) The case is opened revealing a large amount of weapons and gadgets.
Upon them the army relies to make its every move.
Page 8c) A person’s gloved hands rifles through a stack of American, European, African and Latin American fake IDs. They all have Darnell Hayes’ picture on them.
All warfare is based on deception.
Page 8d) The gloved hands pick up a Life Finder Infrared Detector, camera jammers and a keyghost PC recorder.
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness.
Page 8e) The hands screw on a silencer to a Glock 38.
Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness.
Page 8f) View is from a night vision scope of an office building across the street. On the glass it reads Russo-North. There are 2 security guards at the front door. Off to the right we see a side entrance with two guards talking.
Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate.
Page 8g) The two guards look like they are arguing.
Security Guard 1:
You’re damn right I mean it.
Security Guard 2:
I’m just sayin’ that’s a bit extreme Mister Peretti and I’ll leave it at that. I’ve heard what they do to some of those detainees.
Damn it Pops. All of that Sun-Tzu you had me read as a kid... Need to focus. Need to find my mark…
Security Guard 1:
If I was runnin’ that fuckin’ place, I’d make it 4 times the size and send anyone resembling damn terrorists there. Scare the fuckin’ thought of extremism out of their damn heads.
Ignorance is bliss.
Page 8h inset) Darnell lowers his scope so we finally see his face.
There’s my bitch.
Page 9 six panels
Page 9a) Darnell closes the door after he gets out of the car. He is wearing a black suit. He looks like any nameless federal agent.
Page 9b) He walks to the corner of the alley and looks at the office building’s main entrance.
Page 9c) One of the guards is looking in his direction.
Page 9d) Darnell hides behind the corner and peeks around.
Page 9e) The guard turns around.
Page 9f) Darnell briskly walks across the street toward the side entrance.
Page 10 eight panels
Page 10a) One of the security guards arguing earlier decides to go inside.
Security Guard 2:
Whatever Jimmy, I’m headin’ inside.
Security Guard 1:
Ehh! Go on, fuckin’ sympathizer.
Page 10b) The door closes and the other guard begins to turn around.
Page 10c) The guard turns fully around.
Page 10d) Darnell approaches the guard.
Who wants to know?
Page 10e) Darnell pulls out a badge. The guard has a sarcastic look.
Donald MacLean. Homeland Security. Are any of the executives in the building?
What is this? Some kinda joke?
Page 10f) Darnell is chastising the guard who is now getting defensive.
Joke? This isn’t a damn joke. This is a six month investigation into the security service here. Someone in here is a damn sleeper agent, and the Patriot Act says if you don’t give me access RIGHT NOW, your ass is going in for conspiracy and possible aiding and abetting.
Whoa whoa, no need to get hostile. I’m helpin’. I’m a patriot an’ all that.
Page 10g) The guard picks up his walkie talkie. Darnell interrupts him.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
You want to blow this whole thing? Radio silence, at least until we find the sleeper.
Page 10h) The guard uses his keys to open the side entrance.
How did you know I wasn’t the terrorist?
You came up clean...and besides, do you really pass for a terrorist?
Guess you’re right.
Page 11 eight panels
Page 11a) The men enter the door to a security substation. There is another guard sitting at a desk.
Need you to let me an’ him through. He’s from D.H.S. Needs to talk to the big wigs.
Usually need to check in at the main entrance.
And after hours visits must be checked in with all personnel first. Just a sec.
Page 11b) Darnell leans over to talk to Peretti as the other guard picks up a phone...
Look, we don’t have a whole lot of time.
How do ya’ figure?
Whatever’s going down is about to take place and we need to catch the target in the act. Otherwise, he’ll be scared away, and disappear without us finding out his plans. Do you trust me?
Page 11c) Darnell walks away from Peretti.
Then keep your weapon holstered.
Page 11d) The other security guard is speaking into the phone.
Yeah, bunch of losers. Last time I buy season tickets. Listen I have a…
Page 11e) Darnell punches the guard in the face. Peretti looks shocked. He places his hand on his sidearm.
Page 11f) Darnell has the guard in a sleeper hold. He tries to tell Peretti, who’s shaky hand is trying to pull out his gun, to keep his cool.
I said keep your weapon holstered! Just keeping…him from…alerting…terrorist.
Page 11g) The guard passes out and Darnell eases his grip.
Page 11h) Peretti leaves his gun holstered.
Page 12 six panels
Page 12a) Darnell pulls the body under the desk to hide.
Sorry to do that. But he was about to blow the operation.
Page 12b) Peretti looks curiously as Darnell gives a look over of the video camera console.
Looks like this only controls the lower levels. Anonymity is going to be key to this operation.
Page 12c) Peretti walks in front of Darnell to man the controls.
These are all wired through the same network. They’ll be warned if you shut ‘em down. We just wanna freeze ‘em in the blind spots
Page 12d) Peretti picks up the downed guards ID card and Darnell walks toward the locked door.
This country is in your debt for your actions.
Glad to help Agent MacLean.
I feel bad about doing this.
Page 12e) Peretti prepares to swipe the entry card.
As long as its another one a’ them ran outta the U.S. of A.
Page 12f) Darnell knocks Peretti out with the butt of his gun.
Don’t feel so bad now. Racist asshole.
Page 13 eight panels
Page 13a) As Darnell walks into the doorway he looks up and sees a security camera.
Page 13b) He slides against the wall, walking underneath the camera’s line of
Page 13c) He gets to the doorway of a stairwell but looks off to the side.
Page 13d) A guard is sitting at a desk.
Page 13e) Darnell turns the handle of the door.
Page 13f) The guard turns around and looks toward the staircase.
Page 13g) The staircase door is already closing shut.
Page 13h) Darnell walks up the stairs.
First, find a back door into their network. Need to download some insurance.
|04-09-2008, 10:33 PM||#2|
Writer of 1,000 pitches
Join Date: Dec 2007
Page 14 eight panels
Page 14a) A non-descript bar in Ocean City, Maryland.
Page 14b) Wide shot of a large booth. Darnell is sitting with his head down looking at his beer. T.J. is drinking a bottle of imported beer. Darla, Ramesh and his wife Reena are laughing.
Page 14c) Ramesh is telling a story to the rest of the group.
So, there I was in my dorm room. I accidentally hacked into NSA Sat-Com.
It was Darla! Look I hadn’t been in there for more than two, maybe three minutes. Then suddenly I see flashing lights outside the window.
What was it?
Oh, about every sheriff in town. Shortly after they were joined by a couple of MIBs.
Page 14d) T.J. walks over to Darnell.
Still feelin’ it huh?
The pain of old Warmonger grinding your self esteem to a pulp, then serving you a smoothie with it.
Page 14e) T.J. sits in a chair backwards next to Darnell while setting down her beer.
Warmonger…So that’s what you guys call Liz.
Nah, just me. Along with a bunch of other colorful names just to get under her skin. En espanol, of course.
Page 14f) T.J. puts her hand on Darnell’s shoulder.
Look Darnell, I’m not the best one to give advice. I’m probably another demerit away from manning a sub-station somewhere in the Arctic circle.
I DO know that they haven’t gotten rid of me yet because they know I can get the job done.
Page 14g) Darnell looks at T.J. He slouches a bit less and he has a confident look on his face.
Just as they don’t bring ANYONE in here unless they can get the job done. AS LONG AS THEY’VE GOT THEIR SHIT TOGETHER.
Got it T.J.
Page 14h) T.J. gets up from the chair.
I can hear the sappy sitcom feel-good music playing in my head right now.
Page 15 seven panels
Page 15a) Ramesh is still talking to his wife Reena and Darla. T.J. stands by them all.
Guess how much time your husband wound up doing Reena.
Oh about ten minutes.
He’s tellin' the truth.
Page 15b) Darnell leans in inquisitively, listening to Ramesh.
Oh, I made sure that if I wasn’t heard from within 24 hours that some nasty little secrets I stumbled across about some senator's sex life would find their way around the internet.
So you blackmailed your way out?
Actually, it’s how I came on with the U.I.N.
Page 15c) Ramesh, Darla and T.J. put down their beers.
Security firms, hell even video game developers do the same thing. Once a hacker good enough to crack into your system makes themselves known you could A) Have them thrown in jail.
Where they can discuss trade secrets with even better programmers.
Exactly. Or B) Hire them on to help with security measures. I haven’t seen action in the field like you guys but like you, I have to make sure that myself, and those I care about remain safe.
Page 15d) Ramesh uses his left arm to hold Reena tighter. She smiles.
I’m telling you Darnell, you should take my advice. Unlike Miss Stubborn over there.
Page 15e) T.J. gives the middle finger to Ramesh.
Page 15f) Darnell looks up slightly, contemplating the conversation.
Information can sometimes be more powerful than any weapon at your disposal. I wouldn’t mind showing you some basic programming tricks I’ve picked up. You’d be surprised at the situations you can get out of when you have leverage on someone and a willingness to spread said dirt.
Page 15g) A computer screen says File Download Complete.
Page 15h) Darnell pulls a Keyghost PC Recorder out of the terminal.
Ramesh…God rest your soul bro. Now to get what I came here for.
Page 16 eight panels
Zero noise, zero body count so far. Some of these guys have families, and don’t know the shit going on here.
Page 16a) Darnell connects the infrared life finder to his pistol and aims at a doorway.
Page 16b) Darnell sees heat signatures of four men in a room. One inside the doorway, one sitting at a desk, another sitting down being punched by the fourth.
Although others have a pretty good idea.
Page 16c) A blonde man is spitting out blood. He looks as if he has been beaten for hours. Another man with a Bluetooth in his ear is relaxed behind his desk watching.
Please stop? That is what you want huh? Well Alexei, you cannot always get what you want. I wanted money, you and your band of quote freedom fighters, unquote wanted the rewired chips.
Page 16d) Russo nods to the guard.
Page 16e) The guard punches Alexei in the stomach.
But you wanted the chips that I had worked on for you, AND tried to keep the money. You see, unlike old mother Russia, free trade is what makes America so great. Apparently you mountain Bolsheviks weren’t paying attention when Gorbachev introduced glasnost and perestroika.*
Page 16f) Russo walks over toward Alexei.
But you had your chance at openness. Now the only restructuring…
Page 16g) Nick Russo pops his fist back as about to punch Alexei in the face.
Is going to be done to what’s left of your face.
Page 16h) The door to the office crashes open. The people inside are startled.
Page 17 eight panels
Page 17a) Darnell fires his dart gun at one of the guards.
Sometimes subterfuge is in order.
Page 17b) The guard falls down.
Page 17c) Before Darnell can load another dart he has to duck a swing as the guard tries to hit him with the butt of his gun.
Page 17d) Darnell rolls out of the way.
Page 17e) The guard turns around thinking to aim for Darnell.
Page 17f) Darnell tackles the guard from the other side.
Sometimes the direct approach is warranted.
Page 17g) They hit a wall near the front door.
Page 17h) The guard’s gun is flung into the hallway.
Page 18 eight panels
Page 18a) Darnell tries to elbow the guard, but the guard blocks.
Page 18b) The guard swings at Darnell, but Darnell dodges.
Page 18c) Darnell knees the guard in the stomach.
Page 18d) Darnell tries to take a swing at the guard.
Page 18e) The guard hooks Darnell’s arm preventing him from using it
Page 18f) Darnell is punched in the face. His other arm is stretching to the ground.
Page 18g) Darnell picks up the dart off of the ground.
Page 18h) Darnell stabs the guy in the thigh hard
Page 19 six panels
Page 19a Splash) Darnell kicks the guard knocking him out cold.
Direct approach…definitely warranted.
Bravo Mister Hayes.
Page 19b) Russo is holding a gun to Alexei’s head.
I am a bit confused though. You were already paid quite handsomely to retrieve this backstabbing bottom feeder earlier.
There’s a potential international incident that that BOTTOM FEEDER can help diffuse.
Page 19c) Shot of Russo’s face.
You act like you actually give a shit about something other than your bank account and your next job. Why are you suddenly developing a conscience?
Page 19d) Shot of Darnell’s face. He is growing angry.
Because there is a lot more going on here than you realize.
Page 19e) Alexei looks as if about to pass out. Russo still has the gun pointed at him.
Oh, you mean the little home video made by this ‘White Razor’ lunatic that the U.S. and Russian governments are trying to keep quiet? I know all about that. I also know that this little shit here promised me a lucrative payday to help solve a dilemma with the guidance system limitations of the ordinance the Ickerian Militia…acquired.
Page 19f) Russo looks arrogantly confident.
So you know what these people are capable of and you still helped them?
Is that any different than any retrieval you’ve been sent on and turned a blind eye to?
Page 20 seven panels
Page 20a) Darnell slowly walks toward the two men.
Page 20b) Russo points the gun at Darnell.
I think you’re a smart enough man to know that this is your last chance to walk away Mister Hayes.
I am also smart enough to know what your IP address is Mister Russovich.
Page 20c) Russo eases back his arm with the gun in it.
What are you talking about?
Data, blueprints, transactions, and lots of illegal activities that will cause bankruptcy in the least, a slight case of, lets say treason in the most.
Page 20d) Shot of Russo’s eyes. He is sweating.
Dead man’s bluff, eh?
Page 20e) Shot of Darnell’s eyes. He is serious and pissed.
Want to see if I’m bluffing?
Page 20f) Russo presses a button on his Bluetooth.
Bristol, any unauthorized terminal usage?
Checking sir…What the hell? We have activity twelve minutes ago, sixteenth floor. But nothing came up on cameras forty four through fifty!
Page 20g) Russo has an upset look. Darnell confidently points at Alexei.
This stuff will be on every news station tomorrow morning if myself, and that man don’t walk out of here in the next few minutes.
Page 21 eight panels
Page 21a) Darnell is smiling.
Page 21b) Darnell and a handcuffed Alexei walk out of the lobby main entrance. Armed guards are pointing their guns at Darnell.
Mission Accomplished. Didn’t even fire a bullet.
Page 21c) One of the guards talks on his headset.
Are you sure sir? Should we at least file a police rep--.
I SAID LEAVE HIM BE. ONCE OFF THE PREMISES HE IS NO LONGER OUR CONCERN. BUT SHOULD HE EVER STEP FOOT ON THIS PROPERTY AGAIN…SHOOT HIM ON SIGHT.
Page 21d) Darnell and Alexei approach Darnell’s BMW X3.
Page 21d inset) Darnell is texting on his cell phone.
Page 21e) Darnell helps Alexei into the passenger seat.
Page 21f) Darnell sits down in the driver’s seat. His i-Phone buzzes.
Page 21f inset)Text:
Good. Dead drop* made at LaGuardia locker bay. Get what info u can from prisoner.
Page 21g) Alexei is smiling.
Thank you. I…appreciate. You saved…my life.
Page 21h) Darnell points his gun at Alexei.
I don’t have time for games. I am going to ask you some questions. Each time I don’t like the answer, I WILL put a bullet in you. Do you understand?
Good, then we’ll start with what are you delivering to the Ichkerian Militia, who is White Razor, and why they sprung Vasily Shumeyko out of that prison hospital in Dagestan?
Page 22 seven panels
Somewhere in Chechnya.
Page 22a) A cleaning van pulls into a large dimly lit facility.
Page 22b) The giant doors close.
Page 22c) The van’s back doors open.
Page 22d) A shadowy figure approaches.
<Be careful. How is his condition?>
<Stable, despite the bumpy transit.>
<But necessitated by having to avoid main roads and checkpoints. Understood.>
Page 22e) Vasily Shumeyko is rolled out on a gurney.
<Vitals are all stable.>
Page 22f) A woman’s hand rubs Vasily’s forehead.
<Soon, we will have all which is rightfully ours. And our family will view our revenge televised for the world to see…>
Page 22g) A widescreen view of the facility which contains numerous LARGE missiles.
<As our Russian oppressors are wiped from the face of the Earth.>
TO BE CONTINUED…
For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.—Sun Tzu approx 500 B.C.
Landesamt fur Verfassungsschutz: German State Office of Constitutional Protection.
Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit- Unity and Justice and Freedom. German national motto.
Was Machen Sie: What are you doing?
Der Professor. Eine Zigarette: The Professor. One cigarette.
PROFESSOR HAT SIE ASTHMA. ZIGARETTE NICHT RAUCHT: The professor has asthma. He doesn’t smoke.
Пожалуйста остановитесь: Please, stop.
Spook Speak: Espionage Terminology
Dead Drop: A secret location where materials can be left for another party to retrieve.
THROWAWAY: AN AGENT CONSIDERED EXPENDABLE
|04-10-2008, 02:49 PM||#5|
Join Date: Apr 2007
it's too long. I've already lost my place twice and I won't be reaiding until I'm in less of a huff.
what I did read I liked apart from one page where you had "page 6, 7pages," which I thought was some sort of dr Who TARDIS gag.
The Homeland security part was good with the guard.
|04-10-2008, 04:13 PM||#7|
Join Date: Apr 2007
Long. That said, it has an excellent ending, my only crit might be the number of characters ,(i got lost trying to figure out who's who-but seing it drawn out wold probably make it a non-crit really), and it seems quite talky -but it's a spy story so subterfuge and lying are par.
|04-11-2008, 10:28 AM||#8|
Writer of 1,000 pitches
Join Date: Dec 2007
Thank you so much.
I can tell from the lack of responses that it might be too much for everyone to read all the way through.
|04-12-2008, 03:15 PM||#9|
Join Date: Sep 2006
Yeah, probably a good general rule of thumb is to post a maximum of 10 pages at a time. I know I personally don't have time to read a whole 22 page issue script right now.
|04-12-2008, 06:47 PM||#10|
Breakneck from 215 Ink.
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
Yeah, I was throwing up 8 pages at a time, it seemed to get a lot of feedback that way, and gave a week or so between batches of pages.