For real this time. Issue one of 'The Throwaway'. PLEASE feel free to crit

[Eugene Selassie]

The Throwaway Issue #1: Eugene Selassie

Red Orchestra pt I of V
‘Reinstatement Clause’

Page 1 six panels
1998
Page 1a) A Black Hummer pulls up into a parking space.
Page 1b) A young man wearing formal military attire gets out of the vehicle. The setting is the warehouse district of Baltimore, Maryland. Darnell Hayes is speaking on his cell phone.
Darnell:
I’m not saying that! I appreciate all you’ve done Pops. This time though, things have to be different.

Page 1c) Darnell pulls a briefcase out of the back seat.

Darnell:
Different as in ‘I don’t want you using your C.I.A. people to get the hook up, and giving me the fast track’. I want to earn this one.

Page 1d) Darnell shuts the door, and activates the alarm.

Darnell:
So this agency…who do they answer to? Quantico? Langley? Need to know basis? Hmmm, interest is piqued.

Page 1e) Darnell walks toward some decrepit looking warehouses.


Darnell:
Well, it doesn’t look like that. Doesn’t look like much of anything, but something tells me there is more than meets the eye here. And thank you again, I halfway expected you to be running this outfit when I got here. Like I said, on my own. Now you and mom have fun visiting Aunt Eleanor in London… ZZZZKKKKK.

Page 1f) Darnell checks his earpiece and looks at his cell phone.

Darnell:
Pops? YO POPS? That’s weird. Full bars. Oh well, maybe he decided to finally cut the umbilical cord.

Page 2 six panels
Page 2a) Darnell walks into warehouse 7. An ordinary looking dock worker approaches Darnell. He is wearing dirty overalls.
Page 2b) The man uses an electronic ‘wand’ to check Darnell for listening devices.
Page 2c) The Dock Worker then speaks into a walkie talkie.

Dock Worker:
He appears to be clean. All frequencies are jammed except ours.

Page 2d) The worker leads Darnell to an open service elevator deep into the warehouse.
Page 2e) Darnell is inside the elevator. He presses the down button.
Page 2f) The button shows an LED that scans his thumbprint.

Computer:
SCANNING COMPLETE. IDENTITY CONFIRMED.


Page 3 five panels
Page 3a) The elevator abruptly stops. A voice broadcasts through the PA system.

Liz Warfield on speaker:
Hayes, Darnell Q. DOB 1/29/1974. From Yonkers, New York. Son of C.I.A. analyst Marcus Hayes and theater producer Vernita Hayes. Graduate of West Point Academy. U.S. Army 2LT. You served short tours in Somalia and Bosnia. VERY SHORT. You passed the exam for the FBI, yet neglected to take the job. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you have someone from on high looking out for you, BUT you have a nasty case of underachieving. We want to see how good you are Mister Hayes…with the training wheels OFF.

Page 3b) The elevator door opens and Darnell begins to exit.
Page 3c Splash) Widespread scene of Darnell entering a command center like room. The lights are dim and there are computers and personnel everywhere. Monitors line the upper walls playing news broadcasts from around the world. A tall blonde haired woman, in a business suit in her mid 30s approaches him.

Liz Warfield:
I’m Director of Operations, Liz Warfield. Next time wear civvies. Draws less attention.
Darnell:
Sorry.
Liz Warfield:
We know all there is to know about you Mister Hayes. Don’t expect any special treatment here.
Darnell:
Wouldn’t dream of it ma’am.
Liz Warfield:
Good. You’ll see my cause for concern when you meet our Deputy Chief of Services.

Page 3d) A tall well dressed Black man steps forward.

Liz Warfield:
I’m sure you know our British advisor Edmond Mitchell.
Edmond Mitchell:
Hello Darnell.
Darnell:
Uncle Ed?
Edmond Mitchell:
Welcome to the United Intelligence Network.

Page 3e) Darnell raises an eyebrow. His confusion has turned to annoyance.

Darnell Caption:
Umbilical cord still firmly attached…Thanks Pops.

TODAY
New York City

Page 4 six panels
Page 4a) Shot of Manhattan skyline.
Page 4b) A suede boot splashes up a puddle.
Page 4c) A blonde haired man looks over his shoulder. He is sweating profusely.
Page 4d) The man’s backpack is half-opened, revealing a large amount of microchips.
Page 4e) Ant’s eye view shows the man running around a corner in the distance.
Page 4f) Camera angle is from the pursuer’s foot. All seen is the man’s boot, trenchcoat and the man running in the distance.

Page 5 six panels
Page 5a) The man with the backpack cuts up an alley.
Page 5b) The man in the trenchcoat is following through the smoke in the alley.
Page 5c) The man with the back pack climbs onto a dumpster.
Page 5d) He then leaps to a fire escape and climbs up the ladder.
Page 5e) The man with the trenchcoat gets through the smoke. It is Darnell Hayes, older and fully bearded with a scar by his right eye. He sees the man climbing the fire escape.
Page 5f) Darnell jumps on the dumpster after the man.

Page 6 six panels
Page 6a) Darnell leaps to the fire escape and grabs on.
Page 6b) Darnell’s left shoulder starts shaking. It is giving out on him.

Darnell Caption:
Damn shoulder…Not now.

Page 6c) He screams out in pain.

Darnell:
SHIT!!!!

Page 6d) Darnell looks up toward the roof.
Page 6e) The blonde man is getting further up the fire escape and away from Darnell.
Page 6f) Darnell strains as he lifts himself over.

Darnell:
Arggggh!

Page 7 six panels
Page 7a) The blonde man kicks the flimsy metal gate in someone’s window.
Page 7b) He dives into the apartment. An older Hispanic woman is afraid.

Woman:
Ay, Dios Mio!

Page 7c) The man runs past her toward the front door.
Page 7d) Darnell dives and rolls into the apartment. The woman panics again

Darnell:
Perdon senora.

Page 7e) He sees the front door has been left open.
Page 7f) Darnell runs out of the front door.

Page 8 seven panels
Page 8a) The blonde man comes outside to the roof.
Page 8b) He ducks behind the corner.
Page 8c) Darnell comes out on the roof.
Page 8d) Darnell pulls out his silenced Glock 38.
Page 8e) The blonde man comes out from the corner and leaps at Darnell with a knife.
Page 8f) Darnell is cut in his right forearm.
Page 8g) Darnell’s gun is flung far away on the rooftop.

Page 9 eight panels
Page 9a) The man takes a swipe at Darnell’s chest but Darnell dodges.
Page 9b) Darnell kicks the man in the stomach. The knife flies out of his hand.
Page 9c) The man falls down. Darnell leans over to pick him up.

Darnell:
Stay down <breathing hard>… or I am gonna…make sure you can't program shit for a long time.

Page 9d) The man sweeps Darnell and causes him to lose his balance.
Page 9e) Darnell falls down. The blond man runs toward the gun.
Page 9f) He stretches out his arm and tries to reach the gun a few feet away.
Page 9g) A boot comes down on his wrist hard three times.

Blonde Man:
Agh, AAAHH, AGGHHH!

Page 9h) Darnell is on his cell phone.

Darnell:
Package has been recovered. Corner of Saint Marks and Second.

Page 10 ten panels
Page 10a) The blonde man is herded into a black van by armed security guards. A black haired man in a business suit extends his hand to shake Darnell’s hand. Darnell is typing keys on his cell phone. The man is looking at Darnell’s arm which is still slightly bloody.

Nick Russo:
Thank you once again for your services Mister Hayes. You don’t know how much of a relief…

Page 10b) Russo hesitates. Darnell still hasn’t shook his hand.
Page 10c) Russo straightens his tie.


Nick Russo:
Ahem, ok. Again we do appreciate your discreet touch with this. This getting
out to the press could do unfathomable damage to any future defense contracts.

Page 10d) A security guard wearing black fatigues hands Russo the blonde guy’s backpack. It is opened.

Guard:
The stolen tech Mister Russo.
Nick Russo:
This is all of it?
Guard:
Yes sir.

Page 10e) Darnell raises his eyebrow as he looks at the open backpack with a side glance.
Page 10f) The other zipper open on the backpack reveals a bunch of Russian passports.

Nick Russo:
Thank you Mister Roman. Mister Hayes, you can check the transfer of funds to the account in the Cayman Islands. I believe our business is concluded.

Page 10g) Russo zips up the backpack. Darnell looks off in the distance.
Page 10h) A person in a black trenchcoat is looking from a distant alleyway.

Nick Russo:
Mister Hayes?

Page 10i) Darnell looks at Russo and smiles.


Nick Russo:
There’s a bonus in there as well. Hope you can get back to doing some legit work. Shame you couldn’t finish your career out like your father, but the intelligence community’s loss is my gain. I’ll call you when we have some more work for you. Good day.

Page 10j) Darnell’s smile turns to anger as Russo walks away.

Page 11 ten panels
Page 11a) Western Dagestan, Russia. A hospital that is not on any road maps. It is surrounded by deep forest.
Page 11b) Some men and women from a cleaning service check in with an orderly in the garage.


Orderly:
<Where is Yuri? He usually makes the rounds on Thursday.>
Man from Cleaners:
<Called in sick. Uhh, you know how things have been with his girlfriend.>
Orderly:
<Girlfriend? I did not know he was straight. Looked at me funny a few times.>
Man from Cleaners:
<If I was dating a girl looking like her, you’d seem pretty attractive my friend.>
In Unison:
HAHAHA!

Page 11c) A woman comes behind the orderly and fires her silenced pistol.
Page 11c INSET) The orderly hits the floor.
Page 11d) The cleaning crew enters the recovery unit of the hospital.
Page 11e) They enter a room with a man who is in a comatose state.

Commander:
<Five minutes!>

Page 11f) They load a man onto a gurney. Two of the men change clothes to nurse scrubs. Another is moving the comatose man’s i.v.
Page 11g) They exit to a hall and a security guard sees them. He sees a concealed gun.
Page 11h) The guard pulls out his sidearm.

Guard:
<What are you doing?>

Page 11i) The cleaners take out silenced PP-19 Bizon submachine guns.
Page 11j) The guard is shot multiple times.

Page 12 six pages
Page 12a) They rush down the hall.
Page 12b) Three nurses are at a station. Two security guards are in the hall.
Page 12c) The cleaners walk by, then the two men who look like doctors push the gurney behind them.
Page 12d) One of the security guards’ walkie talkies goes off.
Page 12e) He pulls it out and listens. The guard that was shot tries to get out words.

1st Guard:
<Shot…Don’t let….escape…uhhh.>

Page 12f) The guards turn their rifles at the assailants.

Guard:
<Stop. Let’s see your hands.>

Page 13 three panels
Page 13a Splash) The assailants fire their submachine guns and kill everyone in the room.
Page 13b) One of the assailants sees a camera and stops.
Page 13c) He orders the rest outside to the garage.

Man from Cleaners: <Get the commander to the van. I have a message to leave.>

Page 14 six panels. NEW YORK
Page 14a) Darnell Hayes just gets in. He closes the front door of his apartment.
Page 14b) He locks his door’s three locks.
Page 14c) He lays his holster on the table.
Page 14d) He presses the button on his answering machine to play messages.

Machine:
Four messages.

Page 14e) He takes his trenchcoat off and throws it on the couch.

Machine:
>BEEP< Darnell, got the chlorpromazine and haloperidol refills. You need to pick them up before head nurse starts snooping.
Machine:
>BEEP< Yo, D. Ronnie. Got the payment. New SSN info has been uploaded to the state. Be easy.

Page 14f) Darnell sits down on his couch.

Machine:
>BEEP< Hey, you CAN make time to contact your parents sometime. Look I know that you don’t trust any of my contacts in Washington. I don’t blame you…

Page 15 six panels
Page 15a) Darnell grabs a bottle of Hennessey.
Page 15b) He pours a glass.

Machine:
But I heard about that job for Weston Technologies. Standard recovery ops are easy enough to keep off the grid. But any more black bag jobs*, and you wont be able to count the number of three initial agencies that’ll be on your behind. You need anything son, you know how to find us.

Page 15c) Darnell takes a sip of the Hennessey.

Machine:
>BEEP< Mister Hayes, you are a very difficult man to track down. Given the
resources at our disposal, that is an admirable feat. I assume this is a secure line. I can further assume this is one of your six safe houses throughout the city.

Page 15d) Darnell spits his drink out.
Page 15e) Darnell grabs his gun. He walks toward the phone.

Machine:
We need someone for a mission. Someone with a touch of…discretion. Like your employer from earlier tonight, Nick Russo, billionaire chief of technologies…or his real nom de guerre, Nikolai Russovich, black market advanced weapons dealer.

Page 15f) Darnell puts his fist up to his head. He feels stupid for helping Russo.

Machine:
We seem to have an issue on the other side of the globe. Something that
requires a person with field experience, and who knows the lay of the land. >END MESSAGES<

Page 16 six panels
Page 16a) Darnell’s iPhone goes off, he reads the text.

Text:
This is something we don’t want the CIA or the SVR involved in yet.

Page 16b) Darnell checks his ceiling fan.

Text:
Of course u will be generously paid.

Page 16c) Darnell looks behind his television.

Text:
We have also covered expenses for the trip.

Page 16d) He checks under his coffee table.

Text:
Perhaps if u stopped trying 2 dry clean* n pay attention, u can gleam the scope of what is transpiring.

Page 16e) Darnell sits down and scratches his head nervously.

Darnell:
How the hell? IF THIS IS WHO I THINK IT IS, I’M OUT. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR MISSION AND YOU CAN ALL GO…
Text:
The courier u helped capture probably doesn’t have much time left. We are going to need him alive, but first things first. Go and check your e-mail.

Darnell Caption:
Guess I’ll play along.

Page 16f) Darnell walks to his computer

Text:
As you must have surmised by now, that wasn’t a robbery you were stopping. It was a black market tech sale gone wrong. The chips were being given to Russovich for his engineers to work on. The thief tried to make off with both the tech and the payment. Here is who your microchip thief is associated with.

Page 17 six panels
Page 17a) Darnell turns on his PC.
Page 17b) He clicks on his e-mail.
Page 17c) He sees an e-mail stating ‘Сообщенное Усмотрение Зрителя'.
Page 17d) He clicks on the e-mail.
Page 17e) Video footage starts playing. It is from the massacre at the Russian hospital.
The guards and doctors are brutally shot.
Page 17f) Darnell’s winces at first. He then stares angrily.

[Eugene Selassie]

Page 18 six panels
Page 18a) A man comes up to the security camera. He starts speaking in Russian.
Page 18b) Darnell is writing on a pad.

Darnell:
Damn. Russian’s a bit rusty. ‘I will speak in your archaic language. The time has come for independence. Total independence.’

Page 18c) The man is speaking on the computer screen in Russian.
Page 18d) Darnell continues translating.

Darnell:
‘The Ichkerian Militia…will see Chechnya free from the stranglehold of Russian oppression. We will get; no…We will have Chechnya’s retribution. Retribution in blood. Peace treaties, yet combatants at our borders? The White Razor says no. The White Razor guides us. The White Razor gives us purpose. The White Razor shall see Moscow burn.’

Page 18e) The people in the background of the screen are carrying a man and loading him into a van.

Darnell:
‘Now that our leaders are returned to us…your leaders, wherever they are hiding, will pay the ultimate price.’ But who the hell are they breaking out?

Page 18f) Text:
Vasily Shumeyko.

Page 19 six panels
Page 19a) Darnell zones out and flashes back.
Page 19b) 1998. Network HQ. Darnell is at a tactical briefing.
Page 19c) Liz Warfield and Edmond McAllister are debriefing the group.

Liz:
We do not have much time so we’ll speed up the introductions. This is Darla Sinclair, who will be heading communications.

Page 19d) Darla, a short and attractive red headed woman reaches to shake hands with Darnell. He smiles and shakes her hand.

Darla:
Nice to meet ya’.
Darnell:
Pleasure is all mine.
Liz:
Ramesh Aslam will be handling technical ops.

Page 19e) Ramesh, a dark skinned Indian man raises his pencil in the air.

Edmond:
Hopefully there won’t be any bloody laser pens that gives an agent an accidental circumcision.
All:
HAHAHAHAHA.

Page 19f) Darnell looks at a tall, attractive hispanic female. He smiles at her.
Page 19f inset) She rolls her eyes at Darnell.

Liz:
We will be inserting Darnell Hayes with the escorts. Just outside of Zavodskoy City.

Page 20 six panels
Page 20a) A picture of a map of Chechnya is on the projector screen.

Liz:
Standard Exfiltration-Op*. Running Tac will be Tatiana Villegas.


Page 20b) A picture of guerilla fighters appear on the screen.

Edmond:
Hopefully the rebel buggers will be preoccupied with the Russian forces patrolling the borders.
Tatiana:
What about anyone caught by either side?

Page 20c) Liz and Edmond look at each other.
Page 20d) Liz responds.

Liz:
Chechen rebels will probably interrogate for any intel useful against the Russians, and then terminate their prisoner.

Page 20e) Darnell raises his hand.

Darnell:
I didn’t see any paroles* for Russian clearance in my dossier. Are we exchanging intel with the SVR?

Page 20f) Everyone in the room chuckles under their breath.

Liz:
That new era of Russian democracy they feed you GI’s is not quite accurate.
Darnell:
Meaning?
Liz:
Meaning, there is no support from the locals. You will be considered as hostiles, just like the Chechen rebels. Don’t get caught, and if you do, you’d better hope it’s the Chechen rebels that capture you. Quicker that way.
Edmond:
Let’s not get all bent out of sorts. Let’s finish the mission prep shall we?

Page 21 six panels. Later
Page 21a) They all leave the Ops-Center.
Page 21b) Edmond catches up with Darnell and puts his hand on Darnell’s shoulder.

Edmond:
How is the transition going?
Darnell:
Oh, um its, its going, you know…yeah.
Edmond:
I see. I felt similarly when I was brought in.

Page 21c) They walk into a locker room.

Darnell:
No offense Uncle Ed, but you have experience. You were with MI-5 for six years. I'm a soldier, not a spook. Maybe I'm not...I don't know.

Page 21d) Darnell changes from plain clothes to a suit.

Edmond:
Don’t sell yourself short son. You have combat experience. Top of your class at West Point. You did well in preliminaries.

Darnell:
Which counts for JACK here in this outfit. I’m being sent on a babysitting assignment. I just have this weird feeling that…
Edmond:
What? That a certain brother-in-law of mine used his connections to get you into this place? Guess what? He didn’t.
Darnell:
Positive?

Page 21e) Darnell checks his pistol and puts it into his duffel bag. Edmond raises his hand.

Edmond:
Promise.
Darnell:
So what is the scoop on this expatriate anyway?

Page 21f) Edmond takes a photo out of his folder. Darnell looks at it.

Edmond:
Hopefully he will have some useful intel for us, or our allies. Former weapons engineer by the name of Vasily Ivanovitch Shumeyko.

Page 22 four panels
Page 22a) Today. Darnell is back in the here and now.
Page 22b) Darnell’s cell phone buzzes again.

Text:
They broke out Vasily Shumeyko. I will be your handler* from here on out. R U IN?

Page 22c) Darnell looks as if thinking deeply.
Page 22d) Darnell replies to the text message

Darnell’s Text:
I’m in.

TO BE CONTINUED…


“He’s used to life in the fast lane, travels all over the world, already risks his life racing at over 300 km/h and seems to be handy with a gun.”--Mata Hari. Dutch dancer and spy for the German secret service during World War II.


Spook speak: Espionage terminology

Black Bag Job: Secret entry into a home or office to steal or copy materials.
Cobbler: A spy who creates false passports, visas, diplomas, and other documents.
Dry Clean: Actions agents take to determine if they are under surveillance.
Exfiltration Operation: A clandestine rescue operation designed to bring a defector, refugee or expatriate and their family out of harms way.
Handler: A case officer who is responsible for handling agents in operations.
Paroles: Passwords to identify agents to each other.

THROWAWAY: AN AGENT CONSIDERED EXPENDABLE.

[Fred Duran]

I liked this a lot. That said, some of the spoken dialogue was a bit unrealistic, in particular the "wow, six bars" and "Russian's a bit rusty" comments. I pictured him to be a gadget-less version of the white-haired Snake from Metal Gear Solid until I read the latter bit. That seemed to add on twenty pounds, ten years and that grandpa feeling to him.
Good stuff
Fred

[Fred Duran]

Oh yeah, and unless my math is off (entirely possible, given the time and the amount of sleep I've had recently), 1974 wasn't a leap year. 2004 was, but there are 30 years between those two, and 4 doesn't go into 30 evenly (at least that's how I see it).

[Eugene Selassie]

That was supposed to be Jan, not Feb. Sorry.

I really appreciate it and thanks.
Hope I can tweak it to perfection.

[spittingcotton]

This is pretty good. The story is interesting and although I got caught up in reading and didn't pay as much attention to panels and all that, there wasn't a lot that seemed like it didn't work or felt out of place.

I do think the dialogue isn't as strong as it could be. There's something a little awkward about it in places. Especially with Edmond. I have a problem with the texting. It just felt like someone wouldn't use all that short hand in that situation. I don't know.

There were a couple panels where it seemed like it'd be hard to draw what you have. He steps on the guy's wrist three times in one panel, and he locks all three of his door locks in another. Also, is ten panels a lot? It seems like a lot to me, but I don't know.

Most of those are little things. Other than that, I really liked this. Nice work.

[Eugene Selassie]

Thanks again guys.

Did the ending make anyone want to read the next issue?

[Fred Duran]

Originally Posted by Eugene Selassie

Did the ending make anyone want to read the next issue?

Yes. You've certainly set it up so that I have just enough information, but at the same time not enough, so that I want to know exactly what he's "in."

[Eugene Selassie]

I want Lee's crit as well.

You hear me bro??

LOL

[Eugene Selassie]

Hopefully will have some art to go with this pretty soon.

[Lee Nordling]

Originally Posted by Eugene Selassie

I want Lee's crit as well.

You hear me bro??

LOL

Beware of what you ask for...

Naw, not really.

First, as you've probably noticed, I avoid story crits and focus on process and craft discussions.

So...reread your first page again.

Look at all that action!!

(Action can't be drawn.)

Page 1a) A Black Hummer pulls up into a parking space.

Page 1b) A young man wearing formal military attire gets out of the vehicle. The setting is the warehouse district of Baltimore, Maryland. Darnell Hayes is speaking on his cell phone.

Page 1c) Darnell pulls a briefcase out of the back seat.

Page 1d) Darnell shuts the door, and activates the alarm.

Page 1e) Darnell walks toward some decrepit looking warehouses.

***

I recommend you learn to freeze your moments in time; otherwise artists will pick moments before and after the best ones, and your storytelling gets muddled.

Worse, people reading your script will understand PERFECTLY what you intend (like on this forum), but when drawn, your readers may not understand what's going on, or at least not pick up the drama building the way you hoped it would.

REVISION:

Page 1a) The setting is the warehouse district of Baltimore, Maryland. A Black Hummer is angling toward an empty parking space between two parked cars.

Page 1b) A young man, Darnell Hayes, wearing formal military attire is just stepping one foot out of the parked Hummer, and is speaking on his cell phone.

Page 1c) Darnell is reaching into the backseat, one hand on a briefcase.

Page 1d) Darnell is just walking away from the car, pointing back a hand with his finger on the button that activates the alarm.

Page 1e) From the car, we see Darnell walking far away from us, nearly having reached some decrepit looking warehouses.

***

Now, this may NOT be how you saw it, and if it's NOT, that proves my point that you need to find YOUR moments in time that best tell the story.

If these are your moments in time, do you REALLY want to take a chance that an artist is going to be as lucky as me?

Hope this illustrates my point.

You are NOT writing film; you are writing comics, frozen images of time juxtaposed with one another in order to advance the story.

Hope this helps.

--Lee

[Eugene Selassie]

Thanks...This should help me alot

I owe Lee ANOTHER beer...

[Uziel]

Lee is the illustrious one here, and I am but a peon, so please ignore everything I say. But it seems to me that "A man gets out of a car" and "a man is getting out of the car" communicate the exact same thing to the artist, don't they? And the first one seems to read better. I know nothing about the industry, just talking from an aesthetic stand point... writing in the progressive voice like that feels so passive.

[Nick Kerklaan]

Originally Posted by Uziel

Lee is the illustrious one here, and I am but a peon, so please ignore everything I say. But it seems to me that "A man gets out of a car" and "a man is getting out of the car" communicate the exact same thing to the artist, don't they? And the first one seems to read better. I know nothing about the industry, just talking from an aesthetic stand point... writing in the progressive voice like that feels so passive.

It may be a small difference, but it is a difference. "A man gets out of a car" implies the entirety of the action taking place, over whatever period of time it takes. "A man is getting out of a car" implies a single moment in the process of getting out of the car. Think of it as a segment from a movie versus a single photograph.

EDIT: D'oh, forgot the crit!

I don't have much to add to what Lee said, other than, for me, your script format seems needlessly confusing. I know there's no set way to format a comic script, and I can still understand what you're saying, but is there any particular reason you've chosen to write "Page 1 a)", "Page 1 b)", etc, instead of "Panel One", "Panel Two"? Maybe Lee or someone knowledgeable can correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like that kind of formatting, in whatever way you choose to do it, would be more familiar to most artists, editors, etc., than what you have.

[Eugene Selassie]

Cool. Thanks for the insight.

And...did the story itself suck?