My first post here...Be Gentle

[C.A.Librizzi]

These are the first eight pages of a three issue mini-series I've been working on.

MAN EATERS

PAGE 01-SPLASH PAGE:

1-A convertible shoots down an empty stretch of highway in the middle of the night. Libby stands in the back seat flashing her breast and laughing like a mad woman.

LIBBY:
You’ll never catch us you cock suckers!!

PAGE 02-FIVE PANELS

1-Madelyn turns around from the passenger seat and grabs Libby by the back of her pants and pulls her down into the seat.

MADELYN:
Sit the fuck down Libby!

2-We see Elisha hunched over the steering wheel, her teeth grinding together. As she slams her foot down on the pedal.

ELISHA:
Everyone just shut up. I’m going to try and lose these shit heads!

3-Pull out shot of the convertible. The car drives off the main highway heading straight for the edge of a cliff.

4-The convertible smashes through the barrier and files off the side of the cliff.

5-Shot of the convertible diving through the air heading down, down, down.

PAGE 03-FOUR PANELS:

1-A U.S. Marshal cruiser screeches to a stop at the hole in the barrier.

ELROY(OP):
Shit!

2-Elroy and Skinner stand looking over the cliff. Skinner spits out some chewing tobacco. Elroy takes off his hat and holds it by his chest, he has a sort of sorrowful look on his face. Skinner just seems a little pissed off.

ELROY:
Well that’s that then.

SKINNER:
*PTOO* The hell it is. Them bitches will be back.

3-Just a shot of Elroy, he puts his hat back on and gives Skinner a strange, confused look.

ELROY:
What ‘d you mean? They just drove off a cliff, no way they survived that.



4-Skinner turns and starts walking away, Elroy stays put staring at him as he goes.

SKINNER:
I already told ya. They ain’t human, they’ll be back.

PAGE 04-SIX PANELS:

1-Cut to a bar three nights later. Two guys stand at the bar drinking, trying to look cool. One of them is Clay, long dirty hair pulled into a pony tail, tall and fit, he is looking over his shoulder, and talking to his buddy next to him.

CLAY:
Yo boy you see them bitches over there. I bet I got me a shot with at least two of them.

TODD:
Sure… *BURP*

2-Clay walks off from the bar, his pal Todd still in the background. Clay has something to prove, a bottle of beer still in his hand.

CLAY:
Just watch and learn buddy.

3-Clay walks over to a table where Elisha, Madelyn and Libby are drinking. The three girls are laughing., and drinking and just having a good time.

CLAY:
Hey ladies…

GIRLS:
HAHAHAHAHA…

4-Clay puts his beer down on the table and leans over a bit, with a slick smile on his face. The girls stare at him sort of seductively.

CLAY:
So where you pretty ladies from?

LIBBY:
Want to come back to our room?

5-The girls get up and gather around him leading him from the bar.

ELISHA:
You can show us some of that famous southern hospitality.

6-Cut to Todd: He has a completely surprised look on his face as he watches Clay leave with the three beautiful women. A beer in his hands, his jaw hanging open.

TODD:
Lucky shit…




PAGE 05-SIX PANELS:

1-The four come through the motel room door, we only seem them as shadows as they enter the dark little room.

2-The lights in the room are on, the door is closed. The girls have pushed Clay onto the bed, he is excitedly unbuttoning his shirt. The girls stand over him smiling and licking their lips.

ELISHA:
Okay girls, who wants to go first?

3-Madelyn climbs onto Clay’s lap, his bare chest exposed, she is removing her tube top.

MADELYN:
I’ll go first if y’all don’t mind.

4-Close up of Madelyn’s mouth, her fangs show as she moves closer to Clay’s neck.

5-We see a shot of Madelyn on top of Clay, it looks like she is just giving him kissing his neck. He seems to be enjoying it, at first at least.

CLAY:
Mmmm damn girl that feels….AAAAHHHH!!!!

6-We see Madelyn still sitting on Clay’s lap. She comes up from his neck quick, pieces of his neck are caught in her mouth. Blood shoots everywhere. Clay is thrashing around under her.

MADELYN:
Mmmmm…

PAGE 06-TWO PANELS:

1-Madelyn looks over he shoulder at the other two girls off panel. She flashes a bloody smile.

MADELYN:
What are you waiting for? Dig in.

2-The other two girls swam all over Clay like a pack of wild wolves. They rip him apart, draining him of every last drop of blood.

PRODUCTION NOTE: THIS PANEL SHOULD TAKE UP MOST OF THE PAGE:

GIRLS:
RRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!











PAGE 07-FIVE PANELS:

1-It is early the next day, the sun is rising in the clear sky. Police cars fill the parking lot of the motel where the night before the three girls fed.

2-We see an overweight sheriff speaking with U.S. Marshal Elroy.

ELROY:
Sheriff why don’t you tell me what you got here?

SHERIFF:
And you are?

3-Shot of just Elroy, he’s flashing his marshal’s badge. He has a smile on his face like he just put someone in their place.

ELROY:
I’m U.S. Marshal Elroy Donavan. So why don’t you tell me what you got here?

4-We see the Sheriff and Elroy from behind, the stand at the doorway to the motel room.

SHERIFF:
It ain;t pretty in there. Who ever did this is one sick fuck.

5-Elroy stands in the middle of the room, blood is splattered everywhere, it’s a total horror show.

ELROY:
Jesus…Mary…And Joseph….

PAGE 08-SIX PANELS:

1-Shot from the outside: Elroy stands in the doorway lighting up a cigarette, he holds a lighter in his shaky hands. He appears to be a little shaking.

ELROY:
*SIGH* Christ on a cracker…

2-Elroy is walking through the parking-lot when he sees someone standing at his car, he stops for a moment.

3-Elroy continues to the car where we can now see Skinner standing waiting for him. Skinner is leading against the side of the car picking his teeth with a small knife.

ELROY:
Can I help you?

SKINNER:
Told you they’d be back.








4-The two now stand facing each other talking. Skinner flips the small knife closed, while Elroy exhales a cloud of smoke.

ELROY:
You really think them girls did that?

SKINNER:
I don’t think, I know. I told you them girls ain’t human. And they’ll do that again, soon I suspect. Unless we stop them.

5-Just Elroy in this panel, we see him from the chest up. He flicks his cig away.

ELROY:
And how do you figure we do that?

6-Skinner opens the passage side door and starts to climb in, he’s looking at Elroy off-panel.

SKINNER:
I’m starved, why don’t we discuses this over a bite.

[knockedoutpanzer]

oh wicked women! Seriously, it's fine so far but the only problem is there are alot of vampire series and the question is then how is yours different enough so a publisher would want it? i think that you have achieved that by having the two US Marshall blokes rather than the usual "vampire hunter."
Nice title as well.

[Scribbler]

I agree that the comic world is really full of vampires right now. As for the writing, I would point out that you have items mentioned in your descriptions that may be a problem for the artist to convey. For instance, the caption that says "Three days later..." If that information is important it needs to be in a caption, in dialogue, or conveyed in the image. As it stands, I, the reader, would never know that we are three days later. This happens again when the caption says the "next morning."

There are several cliches, like the seduction scene and the "fat sheriff," and the cursing doesn't add to character depth or story for me so it comes across as childish. Lastly, watch out for a misogynist backlash, since just about every male calls the women "bitches."

I would say overall, if you have to write about vampires (which I can fully understand) you got to go somewhere new... like Alaska, or the moon, or running the night life in Miami, or on a pirate ship... Perhaps the rest of the story breaks from the well-known vampire mythos somehow, but my comments are on what I see.

The story was coherent and I could follow the action well. Very few typos (one was "ain;t" and spell check should've caught that).

[C.A.Librizzi]

Thanks for the feed back I am glad you were able to follow it, that is always one of my biggest fears while writing. And I know about how vampires have kind of stormed comics, this story still needs a lot of work however and maybe when I finish it vampires will be out of style and begging for a comeback.