Here it goes...

[cylisderrens]

While I might not understand the mechanic I guess I can show a little of the story and go from there.

Page 1:

Note for readers:

SAMATA and MARIKO HIDORI KENSHIRO’s parents
Kenshiro’s Parents Samata and Mariko Hidori enter a bank to make a deposit standing in line. Samata is wearing a gray business suit with black shoes, and is a member of the Japanese military after serving in the U.S. Navy where he met Mariko in American.

Born in Japan on a U.S. base he returned home to serve the country of his birth where there son Kenshiro was born. Samata is about average height and stands about five inches taller than Mariko in her simple pink dress and white sandals.

Both are looking forward to seeing their son who is in the care of Yoshi Hidori Samata’s father.

Panel 1:

The overall scene of inside of bank: lines, tellers and customers
There are long lines of people waiting for the tellers chatting. Samata and Mariko are at the end of one of the lines and the time is the late afternoon.

sfx: people talking in background


Panel 2:

Five bank robbers sit outside in a stolen car

Action: donning their masks they get ready to enter cocking their shotguns

sfx: click of shotguns and car doors opening and closing


Panel 3:

Bank Robbers enter bank wearing ski masks and Samata dives to the floor covering his wife as people begin to panic and shots are fired.

sfx: shotgun blasts are heard and people screaming

Panel 3:

One of the tellers seeing this presses the silent alarm at her station behind bullet proof glass.

Action: Presses button underneath her desk

Panel 4:

As the men and women are separated on either side of the bank Samata is unafraid. Raised in the samurai traditions he has been taught not to fear death. Unfortunately Mariko who had been raised in America had not grown up in this value system panics.

Action: While other robbers focus attention on the cops and other hostages one turns and sees Mariko move.

Action: As she gets up and rushes for one of the teller stalls she is shot by one of the robbers as the police burst in firing at the criminals.

sfx: single shotgun blast

Panel 4:

Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers.

Action: Stabbing with a ball point pen hidden in his jacket pocket he catches a robber in the throat before ripping his shotgun away.


Action: Diving clear he sees the robbers try to shoot him and instead hit their wounded comrade. Returning fire two robbers fall before the last two shoot him twice. The cops shoot the fourth robber leaving only one alive as he surrenders.

sfx: the wet sound as the pen enters robber's throat and shotgun blasts and other small arms gunfire that follow

[Fred Duran]

I'm sorry, but this script format confuses the hell out of me. It's full of too many things, most of which are the same and just clutter everything up.
For example, you'll lable "Panel #: Panel Description: etc." That's unneeded. We know that if you've headed it "Panel #," the panel description and dialogue/captions/sfx will be coming after. Everything that you put into the character descriptions can be put into the panel descriptions, because it seems to be (most of the time) what the characters are doing in the panel. Also, don't go into so much background detail in descriptions, like you do in the first panel on the first page. We don't need to see that (not in the script, anyway; you can make a sort of "note to the readers" at the top of the post to explain the characters and then get into the script).

I gotta go right now, but I hope what I've said so far gives you some help. If you get REALLY stuck people here will help, and if they don't, I'll PM you my email address if you want and I'll see what I can do (not that I'm a professional or anything, but I'm just trying to help).

Fred

[cylisderrens]

Thanks for the help. That was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

[cylisderrens]

How's that?

[Fred Duran]

Better, but there's something REALLY wrong with panel four of the last page. You can't have all that in one panel. Remember, each panel shows ONE action per character. In that one, you have Samata stab a robber and steal his shotgun, which I guess could be put into one panel if you could make it a sort of grab and stab move. But you also have him diving away and shooting and ultimately getting shot. If I were writing that part, it would look like this:

Panel Four:
Seeing his wife die, Samata is filled with a steely purpose, and attacks one of the robbers, stabbing him in the throat with a ball point pen hidden in his jacket pocket before ripping his shotgun away.

SFX: the wet sound as the pen enters robber's throat (you may want to actually make up a sound effect for this, like "Kwrshk!" which sounds stupid but, whatever, they're fun to make up)

Panel Five:
Diving clear Samata sees the robbers try to shoot him and instead hit their wounded comrade. Samata returns fire mid-dive and two robbers fall.

SFX: BLAM! BLAM!

Panel Six:
The last two robbers shoot Samata twice. He hits the ground in pain, close to death.

SFX: BLAM! BAM!

Panel Seven:
The cops shoot the fourth robber leaving only one alive as he surrenders.

SFX: Pak! Pak!

Or something to that effect. You have to break up complex actions like that into smaller, easier to deal with ones. Your artist will love you for it.

Fred

_______
Fred Duran- Creator/Writer/Madman
ComicSpace
Do you need a writer? Do you know how I can get into contact with the artist known as Ronald Schell? EMAIL ME (please)!
Preorder Mysterious Visions Anthology #4 from Dimestore Productions! The fate of the world may depend on it!

[JonHParrish]

I have to agree with him. You had a lot going on and it was kind of confusing. You have to treat a panel like a still from a movie. You can only show so much. I think the best thing to do is find a book on writing comic book scripts and just practice whenever you can. Practice really does make perfect. Plus, you can always go back and fix things or experiment with new ideas. I don't know if I made any sense, but I hope I did.

[cylisderrens]

Ok thanks. I'll try to break it up a little more.


Panel 4:

Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers.

Action: Samata looks at the dead body of his wife his eyes fueled with anger

Panel 5:

Action: Getting up he stabs the nearest robber with a ball point pen hidden in his jacket pocket he catches a robber in the throat.

Sfx: shiiick!

Panel 6:

Action: Leaving the pen in he rips the robber's shotgun away.

Page 2:

Panels 7

Action: Diving clear he sees the robbers try to shoot him and instead hit their wounded comrade.

sfx: Blam, blam!

Panel 8:

Action: Returning fire two robbers fall under Samata's shotgun
sfx: Blam, blam!

Panel 9:

Action: Leveling their guns on him the last two shoot him twice to the body.

sfx: ch-chuck, ch-chuck: of the shotguns being cocked

sfx: blam, blam: as they fire into him

Panel 9:

Action: The cops shoot the fourth robber

sfx: Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam!


Panel 10:

Action: Last robber surrenders surrounded by cops

[armornsilverstreak]

Originally Posted by cylisderrens

Panel 4:

Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers.

Action: Samata looks at the dead body of his wife his eyes fueled with anger

One of the things Warren Ellis talks about is how you need to make sure that you write what can be drawn. An example he presents is where He one time wrote that "[character] stands with his back to us, smiling." If the Character's back is to us how do we know he's smiling?

See what I mean?

I picked out this quote as an example of this. You have Samata doing two things in one panel. Is he, "Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers. " or is he, "Samata looks at the dead body of his wife his eyes fueled with anger?"

I would abandon the action lines and reader's notes in your scripts.

Provide the panel number, think of what picture you want in that panel, and then describe it.

Right now I think you're trying to write a movie. Another example of this is the SFX of people talking in the background. Background noise like that doesn't exist in comics since we can't apply audio to the finished product. As such, SFX are typically reserved for loud or dramatic noises which push the story forward. Samata's wife being shot, for example, or a phone ringing.

You have to remember you can only show one thing in a panel at a time. The panel description cannot read, "Joe walks into the bathroom washes his hands and leaves."

It should be:

Panel 1. JOE, a middle aged Caucasian man, walks through the bathrooms open door.

Panel 2. Close up of JOE'S hand as he turns on the faucet.

Panel 3. JOE runs his hands under the water.

Panel 4. JOE leaves the bathroom.

This is an incredibly boring example but I think you get the point.

Also, remember the cardinal rule of writing, "Show don't tell me." You can tell the reader about who these people are in the bank through dialog. The artist cannot draw Reader's notes.

Not bad for your first script ever, and I hope my critique doesn't discourage you it's meant to help. Keep practicing keep writing and you'll improve. I wish I could burn my early stuff. Remember the ultimate goal of a comic script is to communicate your vision, and wholly entertaining, story to the artist. Check out my Avengers sample and Mexico city secrets please. I'd love some feedback.

[cylisderrens]

Ok let's try this:

While I might not understand the mechanic I guess I can show a little of the story and go from there.

Page 1:

Note for readers:

SAMATA and MARIKO HIDORI KENSHIRO’s parents
Kenshiro’s Parents Samata and Mariko Hidori enter a bank to make a deposit standing in line. Samata is wearing a gray business suit with black shoes, and is a member of the Japanese military after serving in the U.S. Navy where he met Mariko in American.

Born in Japan on a U.S. base he returned home to serve the country of his birth where there son Kenshiro was born. Samata is about average height and stands about five inches taller than Mariko in her simple pink dress and white sandals.

Both are looking forward to seeing their son who is in the care of Yoshi Hidori Samata’s father.

Panel 1:

The overall scene of inside of bank: lines, tellers and customers
There are long lines of people waiting for the tellers chatting. Samata and Mariko are at the end of one of the lines and the time is the late afternoon.

Panel 2:

Five bank robbers sit outside in a stolen car

Panel 3:

Donning their masks they get ready to enter cocking their shotguns

sfx: click of shotguns: ch-chuck, ch-chuck

Panel 3:

Bank Robbers enter bank wearing ski masks.

Panel 4:
Samata dives to the floor covering his wife as people begin to panic and shots are fired over their heads. sfx: shotgun blasts: Blam, blam!

Panel 5:
One of the tellers seeing this presses the silent alarm at her station behind bullet proof glass..

Panel 6:
As the men and women are separated on either side of the bank Samata is unafraid. Raised in the samurai traditions he has been taught not to fear death.

Page 2:

Panel 7:
Unfortunately Mariko who had been raised in America had not grown up in this value system panics.

Panel 8:
While other robbers focus attention on the cops and other hostages one turns and sees Mariko move.

Panel 9:

As she gets up and rushes for one of the teller stalls and safety, she is shot by one of the robbers as the police burst in firing at the criminals.

sfx: single shotgun blast: Blam!

Panel 10:

Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers.

Panel 11:
Samata looks at the dead body of his wife his eyes fueled with anger

Panel 12:

Getting up he stabs the nearest robber with a ball point pen hidden in his jacket pocket he catches a robber in the throat.

Sfx: shiiick!

Page 3:

Panel 13:
Leaving the pen in he rips the robber's shotgun away.

Panels 14:
Diving clear he sees the robbers try to shoot him and instead hit their wounded comrade.

sfx: Blam, blam!

Panel 15:
Returning fire two robbers fall under Samata's shotgun

sfx: Blam, blam!

Panel 16:

Action: Leveling their guns on him the last two shoot him twice to the body.

sfx: ch-chuck, ch-chuck: of the shotguns being cocked

sfx: blam, blam: as they fire into him

Panel 17:

The cops shoot the fourth robber

sfx: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!


Panel 18:

Last robber surrenders surrounded by cops

[Fred Duran]

It's loads better and reads more clearly now that the action is broken up a bit. But also, it's a good habit to restart the numbering of your panels with each new page. For example, if Page One has six panels, you wouldn't start Page Two with "Panel Seven," but "Panel One" again.

Fred

[armornsilverstreak]

Originally Posted by cylisderrens

Page 1:

Note for readers:

SAMATA and MARIKO HIDORI KENSHIRO’s parents
Kenshiro’s Parents Samata and Mariko Hidori enter a bank to make a deposit standing in line. Samata is wearing a gray business suit with black shoes, and is a member of the Japanese military after serving in the U.S. Navy where he met Mariko in American.

Born in Japan on a U.S. base he returned home to serve the country of his birth where there son Kenshiro was born. Samata is about average height and stands about five inches taller than Mariko in her simple pink dress and white sandals.

Both are looking forward to seeing their son who is in the care of Yoshi Hidori Samata’s father.

I really think this should be dropped none of this is being communicated to the audience. this scene is about people in a bank getting blasted. leaving the reader of the finished comic wondering why do they care. When you link this seemingly unrelated bank event to your hero and the story as a whole it creates dramatic tension. You gotta "show me" not "tell me."

Panel 3:

Donning their masks they get ready to enter cocking their shotguns

sfx: click of shotguns: ch-chuck, ch-chuck

in SFX you should only write what will be seen on the page the, "ch-chuck" if you will.

Panel 6:
As the men and women are separated on either side of the bank Samata is unafraid. Raised in the samurai traditions he has been taught not to fear death.

the audience can't see this all they can see is he's keeping his cool.

Page 2:

Panel 7:
Unfortunately Mariko who had been raised in America had not grown up in this value system panics.

with each new page the panel number begin a new. this panel should be labeled, "Panel 1."

Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers.

Panel 11:
Samata looks at the dead body of his wife his eyes fueled with anger

Panel 12:

Getting up he stabs the nearest robber with a ball point pen hidden in his jacket pocket he catches a robber in the throat.

Sfx: shiiick!

the order on this is a little off. "Seeing his wife die Samata is filled with a steely purpose attacking one of the robbers. " This precedes his panel 11. if panel 11 occurs first it fuels Samata's anger and provides a motivation for his attack on the robbers.

I think you should take this section and work it till you get the format down pat. Then move on with your story. having the format helps open your mind creatively because you don't have to think it about it as much as you do the story. Keep practicing it's getting better. Why a carrot you ask? I have no idea.