Guardians of the Abyss

[knockedoutpanzer]

mmmm-not a comic book obviously. It's cliche away! though and I can't quite see what to do with it...behold "Guardians of the Abyss!" c&c please. It's set in a desert world inspired by old fashioned stuff like Rob E Howard & E.R.B.

The ambushers were good whoever they were. A dozen years of fighting across this cursed world has given me a survivors nose for when trouble is coming.

I could almost smell that heady mixture of fear and excitement when men are about to fight and die.

"Arrowstorm!" I yelled abandoning all attempts at subtlety.
The bleached,desert rocks where we had camped would give little cover and the enemy was hidden behind a higher series of dunes just ahead. Oh yes, they knew their stuff.

The noblewomans guards reacted at once. Sergeant Voll shouting out orders and kicking and cursing those of his soldiers too slow or too sleepy to raise their heavy shields.

As I expected the Tsangs brown-clad thugs did little but jeer from where they squatted by their lizard mounts,tents and breakfast fires.

"The northman has lost his wits!" called one with a smirking, pock marked face.

"Let us stake him out for the vultures!" His comrades laughed, sounding like a pack of jackals.
Knowing the scum that the Tsang recruited as his personal guard I wouldn't have put it past them.


Of course I would have seen to it that very few remained to enjoy their "sport".
We Angland men don't have a reputation as scouts,brawlers and warriors for nothing.

A desert wind, the last breath of the night's coldness brought to my ears the sound of bows being drawn to the maximum.


Smirk face stood up, doubtless to give me another lesson in wit.
A sound like a hundred swarming bees filled the air.

Smirk fell, clutching at where a black arrow had struck him in the neck. He gurgled as he died,his blood greedily swallowed by the sands.


I lofted my leather, buckler high and felt the double thump of twin strikes.

I looked out over my shield. Our camp was in a shambles. Half a dozen of the Tsangs guards were dead. Others were rolling on the ground in agony arrows sticking out of shoulder or hand. They were shrieking horribly...

"Poison!" I reasoned as the Tsangs men convulsed, their faces masks of horror. Even from where I was crouching I heard their spines splintering as they snapped their own backs.

[kamikaze]

i thought that the descriptions were very detailed but to be honest I was confused on what it was about. Is this for a comic or a novel type of book? It read like a novel description but it just confused me.

[knockedoutpanzer]

It was meant to be a short story ,say 8000 words,for some publication like Weird Tales but frankly it's a bit laboured. I might re-do it as a straight comic book script.

Cheers for looking kamikaze.

[J. Alexopoulos]

It was a decent excerpt. Good pacing and for a short story. Some grammar issues. You need to throw apostrophes on all your possessive nouns.

Also,
'Of course I would have seen to it that very few remained to enjoy their "sport".
We Angland men don't have a reputation as scouts,brawlers and warriors for nothing.'
I'm not sure why you included 'scout' in the description. Warriors, Brawlers are tough guys, but scouts were, traditionally, people good at stealth, speed, and observation. Not the type to strike fear into foreign soldiers.

You mentioned possibly going the comic sript route with this. I think this would transfer well into a comic. Very visual. And with the ambush based on the landscape, it would lend itself well to a visual medium.


Good Luck,

Johnny A

[knockedoutpanzer]

Ah I shall definitely have to look at my possessive nouns! Thanks for the comments J.Alexopoulus. And you're spot on with the "scout", I think I put it in as that's how I 'd envisaged the "hero", rather than telling the story. It will have to go.