|06-05-2007, 04:38 AM||#1|
Join Date: Oct 2006
FireHeart - Legend of the Paladins (Sample Chapters)
Hi guys! As if the critics fascinated me, I dared myself (again) to post another sample chapter of my novel,
FireHeart - Legend of the Paladins.
As always, if you want to read more excerpts or read where the story begins, just visit my NovelBlog http://fireheart.tk or my old thread in this forum:
Good Hunt and Stay Alive! - BJ Vadis
Robert, Carolyn and Chiel are the first ones coming out from the ice labyrinth. With torn clothes and wounds all over their bodies, one can say that they’re among the lucky ones who can escape the deceitful and deadly illusions – what lies behind lies – that lured them into fighting with each other, and triumphed against the Ice Elemental Generator.
So far their venture has caused many casualties, and halved the number of people in Robert’s, Kyflynn’s, Hernan’s, Adler’s and Paliades’ contingents. But it also produces some heroes as well. Genilda helped the hunters with the accurate route through the wind tunnels. Kyflynn has defeated the giant wind elemental. With Hernan’s coordination, the hunters deactivated the gigantic rock golem. Then Chiel and Robert freed the hunters from the Strife Charm, and together with Carolyn they delivered the finishing blow to the ice elemental generator. So, they have the honor of being the first ones to enter into safety in this rune room.
This time the room is surrounded with unpainted iron walls, just like in a modern factory.
‘Paliades is right! This structure so advanced is definitely Parthenians’ work. The elves only believe in natural and supernatural things, not technology,’ says Carolyn.
‘Indeed, you’re right, miss. Now I hope you’re convinced that my directions are as accurate as they are reliable.’ The voice comes from Paliades, who comes from behind Carolyn at the doorway, followed by the others.
‘Quite so indeed,’ Adler comments with a sinister tone. ‘But I didn’t see you did much action back there to save the day, did I? Maybe it’s better if…’
‘And you didn’t do much either! You place yourself too high, my friend,’ Paliades retorts with irritation. ‘I DO have the clues, I DO have the solutions, but I can’t do it alone, although I made a few hits too. It was so happened that this pinkhead girl was in the right place, right timing, and has the right means to overcome ice. If you can’t learn to set aside for a greater cause since we fought each other in there, you’re free to go first! And go without us!’
Adler falls silent. It seems his plan to discredit Paliades as the leader has failed once again. Then he decides to walk away, finds himself a nice corner to sit, away from others. Then, as usual, Iris, Orlevant, Ney’varìth and other elves gather in front of the epitaph and read the runes.
Of all Sun Mother has done,
This deed saved the day
For the sake of love alone,
She gave all away.
‘I think this means that the one’s sacrifice will be required to pass this area. But when? Where?’ says Orlevant.
‘I’ll tell you when we get there. Sacrifice, eh? It’s an interesting solution,’ says Paliades, coolly. ‘But I need to confirm something first, during our venture in the chambers of iron and fire.’
Iris comments, ‘Is it just my feeling or it’s getting very hot in here?’
‘Oh, of course it’s very hot,’ Paliades answers. ‘That’s because this is the engine room that supplies energy towards the other chambers. To regenerate the monsters within and operate the mechanical-magical devices, such as the giant fans, wind elementals, boulder-recharging switch, giant rock golem, elemental power-core eyes, mirrors of illusion, and so on.’
Iris nods. ‘Oh, I see. It’s a synergy between magic and science. So nicely made, I’d say.’
‘But be careful. Although it’s not a fiery inferno or a lava pit like you expected, this area is not less hazardous and obviously trickier. The engines take in fire energy from the lava pit in an active volcano nearby – Mount Quazar, I guess – and process it into kinetic energy. As the flow of fire itself cannot be controlled, some exhaust valves are also incorporated there for several purposes: to dump excess combustion fire and poisonous residual gases, function as trap walls, and generate Fire Elementals. These functions altogether form a defense system that no being can possibly get through.’
‘Not unless he’s quick enough, strong enough, or clever enough,’ says Alexis coolly. These words may be interpreted as an insult to Paliades, but Alexis buries that thought straightaway by saying, ‘And I trust Lord Paliades possesses those three traits abundantly. Please, guide us through, Your Lordship.’
Paliades doesn’t react to yet another butt-licking smart-talk and shouts, ‘Now let’s cut to the chase. Ready or not, here we go!’
The hunters get ready and get up at once. Although they are not recovered from their fatigue and injuries, but they all risked their lives for this ‘divine mission’ so far, and there’s no turning back now.
A dwarf hunter tries to rally himself and his comrades. He lifts his war hammer and shouts, ‘Get going or die trying!’ Almost all hunters including Robert’s party, Kyflynn and Desmond follow suit. ‘Get going or die trying!’
And then all hunters follow Paliades in an orderly manner to the next room.
The engine room is a vast area with multi-storied iron platforms on a stone floor. Giant steam engines stand in uneven rows, and a series of pipes and valves supplies both fire and water and processes them into steam in the tanks near the engines. And there are also exhaust valves that let out waste, hot steam, excess fire and water from the system or distribute them to other engines and chambers. A vast water reservoir is located not far from the engines, with large valves sucking and transferring water to and from the reservoir with the help from the water pump. The water is supplied from the waterfall at the sanctum entrance.
Suddenly, a flying object flies over Carolyn’s head, giving her a start. ‘Awk! What the hell is that?’ she asks.
‘Oh, that is a maintenance probe,’ says Paliades. ‘They are flying golems assigned to repair and maintain the elementals and other things that are damaged or shut down through the maintenance shafts.’
Iris is surprised to hear that. ‘What? Those things can repair the ice elemental generator, giant rock golem and the wind elementals! Now our way back is really sealed! Perhaps if I destroy it…’
‘No!’ says Paliades. ‘Don’t destroy them! If you do, security probes will come swarming on you and shoot you with their razor beams and you’ll get lots of additional holes all over your body!’
‘Just imagine that,’ says Kyflynn humorously, pointing at his nose with two fingers then he points at every part of his body with the same two fingers. Nobody laugh at that. All seem to be extremely wary of everything around them.
Paliades adds, ‘And be careful of the guardians of this place: the fire elementals. They’ll wait and ambush you in all unexpected places. This area is the hardest test of all: the test of bodily and mental strength, and finally the heart, too.’
Andreas says, ‘Aye! So what are we waiting for? Let’s get going!’
Paliades continues, ‘There are three paths here. We will split into three groups. Robert, you and your team take the lower path. Sheena and Kyflynn’s team take the upper path. Lord Adler, Prince Alexis, Don Hernan, Orlevant and the elves, and Eidos follow me to the middle path.’
Robert says plainly, ‘Dar’gum will come with us.’
Paliades answers hesitantly, ‘Ah… yes. Have it your way, then.’
Ney’varìth speaks up, ‘I’ll also go with Robert’s team.’
Robert’s friends and Dar’gum himself are surprised. Robert the Orcbane actually invited a group of orc grunts to join him after he fought fiercely with the orc champion just now! Even Iris pinches Robert and asks,
‘Er… Rob, is it all right if…’
Rather than explaining his actions, Robert begins walking to the lower paths.
‘Hey, wait up!’ says Iris. ‘Man, he is touchy, isn’t he?’
‘Haha, aye, that’s our Robert,’ says Andreas. ‘Always full of surprises, he is. Anywhere, anytime!’
‘The more you know him, the more you’ll be surprised by him! All we can do is to trust him. He knows what he does,’ says Carolyn with a giggle, following Robert along with Iris and Andreas.
Dar’gum and his comrades decide to follow Robert quietly, despite of their grudge against Orcbane. Dargum thinks, he’s an orc-hater and goes berserk every time he sees an orc. He killed my brother A’bong, fought with me and I spared his life. But just now he acted civil by recognizing us when Paliades didn’t. Hm, this doesn’t settle your debt, Robert, oh, no. I’ll finish things with you sooner or later. Nak Par’dush*!’
*) Nak Par’dush : ‘Mark my words’ in ancient Orcish.
Dar’gum and Robert’s group follow the stairs downwards. Robert and his party lead in front, and Dar’gum and his fellow orcs guard the rear.
Suddenly a jet of vapor bursts from one of the valves, and hits a swordsman in the middle of the formation. The poor man falls to the front, lies sprawling on the floor, screaming in agony. His face turns blue in an instant, and blisters come out on his entire body. The hot vapor is indeed poisonous, the by-product of fire-water-air mixture and combustion in the engines.
Andreas takes out an herb from his bag and presses it on the poisoned hunter’s hand. ‘Quick! Eat this! This mandrake leaf will cure any common poison and magical side-effects – in case you don’t know it.’ The hunter immediately eats it, he can’t say that he already knew what Mandrake leaves are for or even think whether Andreas is trustworthy or not. But he’s really lucky this time because the antidote begins to take effect, turning his face from blushing blue to normal, neutralizing the poison within his body. All he must do now is to take out his healing salve to cure his blisters. ‘Th-thank you,’ he says.
‘And there’s plenty where it comes from,’ says Andreas with his usual, unique chubby smile behind his bushy beard and moustache. Robert doesn’t want this delay to last any longer and shouts, ‘C’mon, all, let’s get moving! Keep the formation! Watch out for nozzles and valves around this area!’
As soon as it is said, Robert sees a series of nozzles on the left and right walls that spit fire across the path.
‘Halt!’ says Robert. ‘Let’s check the timing of the fire flow first! They must be following a pattern or something!’
‘Let me at it!’ says Iris. But instead of observing it, Iris shows off her superior agility – again – by doing somersaults and a series of acrobatic moves to avoid the spitfire and goes across the nozzles with ease. And then she shouts as she arrives in a safe place.
‘Well, how ‘bout that?!’ says Iris.
Robert answers in irritation, ‘That’s a nice one, Iris. But unfortunately, not every one of us shares your agility!’
Iris shuts her mouth and with a stupid, childish look on her face, saying, ‘Oops, sorry, chief! Guess I overdid it. But I did manage to calculate the timing. There are five seconds burst and five seconds idle between each burst on every nozzle. And the burst order is: number 1, 3, 5 upper left nozzles, number 2, 4, 6 lower right nozzles, number 1, 3, 5 upper right nozzles, and number 2, 4, 6 lower left nozzles.’
Robert answers still with a serious face, ‘Well, that’s great. We’ll count on you for now on… WATCH OUT!’
Iris is snapped on hearing Robert’s warning. She quickly turns around and quickly attacks her foe with her elven dagger. It’s a fire elemental attacking her from behind! Iris moves to the back of the fiery monstrosity, slashing her dagger trying to split it apart, in vain.
The fire elemental breathes fire on Iris, which she neutralizes with a timely Wind Slash spell. But the elemental is already coming too close to her, it’s almost impossible for Iris to avoid the next attack. The fire elemental is going to give Iris a fiery Bear Hug, trying to roast Iris alive. Iris tries to back away but the monster’s hand is already grabbing her hand. Iris screams in pain. But something suddenly happens. The fire elemental is sprayed with water and lets out an eerie scream before it extinguishes. The remaining water burst also hits Iris, but Iris gets nothing but wet all over – you know how it affects Iris’ looks: all messed up.
Iris then looks straight forward to find out who her helper (and who messed her looks) is. ‘I knew it!’ she says. It’s Ney’varìth! Nearly as agile as Iris is, she is the second person who passed the fire-spitting nozzle series and extinguished the fire elemental with her Petravia (Water Spray) spell.
Without speaking, Iris touches her hair. A magical green glow appears on her hand, and every part of her hair, her face and her body she touches becomes neat and dry again, just before she was soaked with water. That’s a great thing of becoming an elf. Always uses magic in all aspects their life, although sometimes the magic is used for wrong things or with bad intentions, and being all-magical creatures sometimes makes them arrogant, feel superior than any other beings, or just a show-off like our dear Lavennia Iris here.
‘Hey, thanks a lot, Ney,’ says Iris.
‘No problemo,’ says Ney. ‘Anytime you need a shower, just call the water girl here.’
‘Of course… but certainly not here.’
Robert is the third one who gets through the nozzles, and with Iris’ precise calculation, almost all hunters get through the traps successfully. Andreas who, being a dwarf, is not actually quick-footed, gets burnt several times. But the dwarf priest’s protective aura on his body is still active, so he only comes with minor burns and scratches, and it’s nothing that his healing salve cannot heal.
And two hunters are burnt to crisp as a result of miscalculation and forgetfulness. One of them is the hunter who was cured from poison by Andreas earlier. We never know whether Andreas regrets helping that man or anything – he is busy with his own wounds, and something reminds him to do an important thing. He renews the Mass Protection spell to make sure every one in the group is divinely protected against physical and mortal harm.
Two more fire elementals pop in by surprise, ambushing a sorceress, but she and the hunters defeat them with ease, with Ney and Iris’ help, and without anybody getting hurt at all. Then, once again they face another series of nozzles, this time all of them spit pillars of fire from the ceiling. Again, Iris goes in first to determine the timing and order, and shouts her report at the end of the row.
‘Twelve nozzles, two on each row! Two seconds burst, two seconds idle! The order is: row 2 and 4, then row 1, 3, 5, and 6.’
It means you have to be extra quicker to get through row five and six. But this time there are no casualties, because all is protected by the divine protection aura.
And then, after a bit of walking, avoiding steam-blowing nozzles and a few more encounters with fire elementals, they arrive at the water reservoir on the lowest tier. It’s a very wide, deep and big pool of hot, boiling water which is about to be transferred to the ice chambers and back to the engine room as cool water into the cool water reservoir on the highest tier.
‘You see there,’ says Robert, ‘we must get across this pool through these moving platforms and the paths here. I’m telling you, this must be a tricky business so be careful, all of you. It’s not as easy as you think. There may be more surprises in store for us.’
A swordsman comments, ‘This is a big, boiling hot trap!’
Carolyn sees the fear in every hunter’s eyes and speaks calmly, ‘Don’t worry, my friends. As long as we keep protecting and helping each other, and set aside our fears, we can overcome everything! Remember stone chambers!’
Carol’s effort to rally her comrades is indeed fruitful. There’s more determination in everybody’s eyes. If they can do it in the stone chambers, they can do it here. Nothing can stop them now.
Now the hunters led by Robert begin to walk on the platforms, and disperse on their ways of choice. But suddenly a hunter accidentally bumps into a maintenance probe passing by in mid-air as he jumps from a moving platform to a path. The hunter lands safely, but the probe is knocked and falls into the hot water, damaging it completely.
And soon enough, about sixty dragonfly-like and scorpion-like security probes come swarming towards the hunters. They must’ve sensed something or someone messed up with a maintenance probe, and the missing probe must’ve sent a silent alarm signal before it drowned. It’s now thirty hunters against sixty probes and the odds have never been worse.
The mechanical dragonflies immediately shoot razor beams from their round, faceted eyes. Although they are considerably larger in size than real dragonflies – about thirty centimeters long each – the mechanical ones are twice as tough and thrice as fast. The mechanical scorpions on the other hand are slower than the robotic dragonflies, but they are surely bigger, tougher and more lethal. So they’re real tough foes, hard to hit and harder to destroy. The hunters in Robert’s group don’t need to be told about this. They draw out their best efforts to survive. They try very hard to avoid or deflect the razor beams from the dragonflies or being stung by the long, large, lance-like needles on the tails of the robotic scorpions. Many try to hit the probes with whatever skills they can pull out, even throwing things at the probes as the very, very desperate attempt.
|06-05-2007, 04:42 AM||#2|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Robert's Sacrifice (Part Two)
Iris yells angrily when her precious wind-enchanted arrow misses a dragonfly probe by less a centimeter away. Ney on the other hand casts Water Blast – Aquepetra and sends three probes crashing into the pool.
Carolyn destroys two mechanical scorpions with Fireballs, but she doesn’t have time to be happy about it because a dragonfly shoots her from behind. Carol’s Galatea’s Force Field reduces the damage of the shot into only a minor wound, and the lucky sorceress moves aside quickly to avoid the dragonfy’s sting, and arrives at the edge of a path. Carol loses her balance and is about to fall into the pool of boiling water.
She falls, but lands on a hard surface. It’s a moving platform! It seems Carolyn’s lucky charm works again. But will she always be this lucky? Nobody knows.
Meanwhile, Robert tries to hit the probes with his kiliji and a couple of Air Slashes, but only manages to destroy one probe so far, while he keeps moving to find the way across and stands guard against the robotic scorpions. Dar’gum who wears no armor, relies all his attack and defense on his Il Khatl J’nadh axe. And he can’t help feeling thankful that without the shielding force, he would be utterly destroyed by the rain of razor beams and the scorpions’ stings and tweezers like giant scissors.
Andreas chooses to defend himself and concentrate on finding the way across. Using his long axe-healing staff Gloria Vadis, he is still not quick or strong enough to put any damage on the robotic scorpions and dragonflies. The fat priest swings his staff once, horizontally and hits a dragonfly when it swoops down to sting him, sending it crashing on a platform, broken in pieces. Andreas moves his elbow from the front of his belly to his side, saying, ‘Yesss!!!’ spiritedly but silently, and immediately readies himself for another attack. Suddenly he hears someone shouts,
‘I’ve made it! I’m at the other side!’
Andreas looks at the talker just ahead of him. It’s a weremouse (mouse-man, that is) hunter standing on the other side of the pool to the exit. Andreas thinks, I’m in the right path. I’ll let him stay there and I’ll tell Robert and the others…
The weremouse screams. It looks like something hit him on the back, and he is struggling to get it off. But it’s too late. He falls to the front, and lies spread-eagled there – dead. A mechanical scorpion stands on his back, its sting went deep into its victim’s body, and it stays there, as though the scorpion is injecting something.
The injection process is finished when Andreas sees a strange, silvery liquid comes out from the dead weremouse’s eyes, nostrils, ears and mouth.
It’s quicksilver! The Galatea’s Force Field cannot protect from inside destruction! These Parthenian scientists really have thought of everything!
The mechanical scorpion takes out its sting from the dead weremouse, looks at Andreas. A red light glares on its tiny eyes and the scorpion attacks Andreas with great speed. Andreas tries to block its attack by swinging his healing staff, and the scorpion grabs the staff and holds it with one of its pincers, and quickly attacks Andreas with the other pincer. When the pincer is already opening on the fat priest and is a split-second away from cutting his neck off, suddenly the pincer drops. Andreas also falls because the other pincer holding his staff also falls and dragging him down.
By Vadis, what happened…
Andreas looks up, and he sees Dar’gum there, holding his legendary great axe. It seems that the axe has split the robotic scorpion in two, right on the slot between its head and body – a convincing display of why the axe became legend. It was made from adamantium, a kind of metal extracted in liquid form from the shells of the hyper-rare 1,000-year old giant adaman turtles (without killing them or breaking their shells, of course). It can be made into weapons of extraordinary sharpness – the perfect rival for mythril – and it can cut through any kind of metal except itself, mythril and the rarest metal of all, eternium. In the continent of Aurelia, giant adaman turtles only live on the cold northern Adaman Sea and shores of Bjordan and Val’shka.
‘Thank you, Dar’gum,’ says Andreas.
Dargum lifts his axe, rests it on his shoulder and walks out from the pool area path to solid ground, saying with a calm, deep voice, ‘The same with the protection field. We’re even now.’
Andreas can’t help but smiles and follows Dar’gum to a safer ground. He takes out a torch and waves it around to inform Robert and the others the right path across. Dar’gum stands guard near him to anticipate any more attacks from the security probes.
Soon hereafter, Iris and Carolyn arrive, followed by Robert and Dar’gum’s two companions, and finally all other surviving hunters too. They have wiped out the security probes. Fourteen out of thirty-seven in Robert’s group fell victim to the probes, no matter how tough the Galatea Protection Field is. Some got knocked over and drowned in the boiling hot water, some got too many wounds or got wounds on fatal points on their bodies, the same way of death as the poor weremouse, or a few other ways.
Robert kisses his ring as the final salute for his fallen comrades, looks at the way ahead and shouts, ‘My friends! The exit is just ahead! Let’s make a rush for it, there’s no time to lose!’
The hunters can’t afford another wave of security probes attack, so they rush to the exit, through an open doorway. Of course the champions are the last ones to get out of the engine room, and Carolyn is having funny thoughts when she sees a glimpse of the room ahead.
It seems as though hell is in the next room.
|06-05-2007, 04:44 AM||#3|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Robert's Sacrifice (Part Three)
Robert goes into the next room with widened eyes, although nothing can put surprise or shock on the sad-looking ranger here. No matter how horrifying the situation is. The room is as vast as the rooms for the prime guardians: giant wind elemental, giant rock golem, and ice elemental generator, but it’s multiple times as dangerous. There’s a vast lava pit in there deep down the floor, with only pillars of stone for anyone to walk on. The stone paths are of various sizes and shapes like half-cut meteorites, floating above the pit. and the large ones can be stepped by four or five people. It’s just like a miniature of hell, just like Carolyn’s thought. There’s no choice but to defeat the guardian and maybe the door to the exit will be revealed.
Robert thinks, if this is a guardian room, where is the guardian?
Robert sees Kyflynn and his team are already there, also with Sheena, Baxter and Ellephar. They stand scattered on the stone pillars, and it looks like they are waiting for something to come out from the lava pit. Dar’gum and some hunters from Robert’s group are already there, standing by on the stone pillars although they don’t know what or who they are dealing with.
And there it is, coming out from the lava pit. A fiery red dragon comes up with its abnormally long body (or just neck?), with menacing horns on its head and rows of big yellow sharp teeth on its mouth. Seeing its targets, it blows fire to a pillar, and a hunter on it gets scorched and falls into the lava pit.
Satisfied with the result, the dragon goes down to the pit again, maybe to get a second helping of lava to recharge its fire power. Kyflynn, the nearest champion to the dragon seizes this opportunity and leaps to another stone pillar. He somersaults in mid-air and dives vertically, thrusting his daggers to the dragon’s head with his Soul Splitting Drill move. The dagger hits the head but cannot penetrate the hide yet. Maybe Kyflynn believes that the thick hide on the top of the dragon’s head is its only weak spot.
The dragon roars in pain. Its head is indeed its weak point, and there’s a crack on it. It seems that it was hit two times with such a force, and it’s uncertain how many times the head must be hit so the hide will be smashed and one more hit will destroy its brain and kills the dragon. The dragon immediately darts itself up again to bite Kyflynn as a counterattack, but Kyflynn ingeniously steps on the dragon’s snout and leaps to the nearest stone pillar – to safety.
As it leaps, we can see that the longest part of the red dragon is indeed its body, with four legs to crawl on the pillars and to leap upwards. Its tail is like an arrowhead. One can tell that this dragon is not originally from Aurelia – but from the far eastern realms of Ashura and Wushu. One must have been there or from Ashura or Wushu in order to summon it here. It’s called fire wyrm in Aurelia: a cross-section between a dragon and a giant serpent that lives in lava pits.
The wyrm dives, it chomps a huntress before she can do anything to resist or avoid it. The cruel monster moves its head upwards, tosses the dying huntress upwards and eats her whole. Then it dives quickly, directly into the lava pit. Carolyn almost pukes on seeing this brutality, but before she can say or even think about it, the fire wyrm comes up again and shoots fire at the hunters – this time to Alexis.
Before the fire reaches him, Alexis calmly but quickly connects the hilts of his twin swords Im’colath the Black Sword and Im’htaloc the White Sword into a double-edged sword Colathtaloc. Alexis swings it rapidly like a rotating fan, creating a wind strong enough to blow the fire away. The runes on the twin swords glow green, means that it uses wind property to reinforce the Last Stand of the Eagle skill.
And then when the fire ceases and the wyrm comes down, Alexis splits his sword and attacks the wyrm’s head with a concentrated Eagle Fishing on the Lake double-thrust that utilizes water property. But before the thrust lands on the dragon’s head, a second jet of fire hits Alexis on his side, sending him falling into the lava pit.
The fire came from a second wyrm, which came from the pit as the first one went in – the wyrm with the cracked crust on its head.
Alexis in a hopeless state, and thinks, this is it. I’m falling into my own doom… but, wait! What is this? I… I stopped! I’m floating! I’m flying upwards! Someone’s levitating me!
The Crown Prince of Arcadia tries to see his rescuer. It’s a sorcerer with shabby, torn robe like a Vadisian monk, wearing a hood that hides his face completely. But the strange thing is, he’s shorter than average humans, and has odd-looking long ears and long feet like rabbit’s under his robe and hood.
As he lands safely on the stone path, Alexis says, ‘Thank you…’ to his rescuer.
The sorcerer only takes a semi-low bow as response, and immediately treats Alexis’ burn wound with Viavitali – the Great Heal spell.
On the other hand, Iris is greatly alarmed by the fact that there are two Fire Wyrms to deal with now, thinking, wyrms, like dragons, are immune to ordinary magic. I must apply a greater force on this one! Iris summons Eshmyria, the Spirit of the Wind again. And Agustina, who silently thinks of a way to block the fire and assist the hunters, seeing Iris’ action, casts, ‘An Jokulion Aschi!’ She moves her Frost Wand six ways.
Suddenly a portal, a round layer with a shining hexagon appears in front of Agustina, exactly like what happened with Iris when she summoned Eshmyria. The only difference is that from the portal comes the Spirit of Ice, the Frost Knight, Jokulion. He looks like a man wearing and wielding everything crystal: full armor, crystal sword, crystal shield, crystal helm and mask. And he stands as tall as Eshmyria, and they stand side-by-side to face the wyrm.
The wyrm shoots fire at Eshmyria, but the shot is blocked by Jokulion with his crystal shield. Then Iris yells, ‘Now, Eshmyria! Vare Eshmyriad Raduyev!’ Eshmyria sends huge bolts of Typhoon and concentrates the attack on the wyrm’s cracked crust on its head. The typhoons go drilling and slashing, no matter how hard the wyrm tries to avoid them. And Jokulion adds the damage by thrusting and slashing his sword so many times on the weakened spot, creating an effect like Tina’s Blizzard Blast spell. At last the crust cracks open, and the attacks go on and destroy the wyrm’s brain and head. Only after that the attacks cease, and the wyrm falls lifeless into the lava pit.
But then the Jokulion spirit suddenly vanishes. The second wyrm, who appears to be the dead wyrm’s mate, is now real furious to see its male’s death. Being instinctly intelligent, it attacks Jokulion’s summoner, Agustina with another jet of fire. But thanks to the ice aura that covered her during the summoning, the fire didn’t hurt Agustina much but a light burn. As Agustina is standing on a one-man stone path, Desmond, her partner can’t jump there to protect her and he just grits his teeth regretfully.
Iris immediately casts another Typhoon through her avatar, Eshmyria. She obviously hopes that this attack can finish the female wyrm off as well. But to her disappointment, the healthy wyrm can dodge most of her bolts – only three bolts manage to drill a crack on the wyrm’s forehead.
Now it’s Hernan’s turn to spring into action, as he is the nearest to the wyrm and he needs to deliver an attack before the wyrm moves or attacks again. To his delight, the wyrm goes down to recharge its fire power.
Suddenly Hernan feels a surge of power within him, as he feels nimbler and quicker than his usual self. It’s the result of Eidos Crydias’ Haste spell, specially cast to assist Hernan, a very handy spell as ‘the romancing fencer’ is not in his full health. Feeling that no time should be wasted on thanks, Hernan leaps very high above the wyrm’s head. And with a beautiful somersault, he attacks the wyrm’s forehead with Shears of the Falling Rain, a water-based, downward multiple-thrusts technique. The attack makes an open crack on the wyrm’s head. A slash on its brain will send it to the wyrms’ paradise to meet its deceased spouse.
A stray arrow that was targeted to the wyrm hits Hernan’s foot instead – another part of his body that is not protected by the Mythril Armor of Eil’thanath. Hernan roars in pain, and falls way down towards the lava pit. But thanks to his extra speed from Eidos, Hernan manages to grab a thorn on the wyrm’s body and hangs there.
Meanwhile, the wyrm is in pain. It changes its mind, instead of going down, it leaps upwards to deliver a desperate final attack and devour all its attackers. The wyrm tries not to fall into the lava pit at the risk of burning its brain. It lands on a stone path, crushing two hunters standing on it. Robert delivers an Air Slash towards it but misses. The wyrm moves very quickly horizontally, and leaps to another path with Paliades and Eidos on it. Paliades swings his great hammer upwards, and hits the wyrm’s jaw with his Earthquake Epicenter hammer slam, a far more powerful and concentrated skill than Megaton Impact. The one hit alone sends the wyrm flinging backwards.
Meanwhile, Hernan loses his grip and falls, but he is caught by two hunters, saving his life. And Hernan says thanks to them earnestly.
The wyrm’s head comes exactly in front of Adler, the knight from Borgia, who among the champions contributes the least in the entire mission. Instead of defending himself, Adler swings his great sword Ulcergash and attacks the wyrm’s brain with Tusks of the Golden Elephant – a slash-and-thrust combo intended to annihilate a bigger and stronger enemy. Adler keeps on attacking with the combo. We can’t see and determine how many hits Adler inflicts, but he actually hits thirty-eight times, making a mashed potato out of the wyrm’s brain, and knocking it away again.
This time the wyrm – now dead wyrm – is falling straight into the lava pit, joining its dead male in their ever-burning tomb.
Finding no landing spot, Adler also falls, but he is levitated by the hooded man with rabbit ears and feet who rescued Alexis earlier. Seeing that his rescuer is a mere commoner, the pompous viscount just turns away and steps to another stone path without even saying thanks to his savior.
Kyflynn speaks out a playful comment about the guardians of the fire chambers’ defeat, ‘Queen Carolyn must hire a new fire guardian now. These ones are busted!’
Paliades sneers, saying, ‘Oh, that’s a good one, Master Kyflynn. And maybe you’ll be a greater help for us if you can tell us where the exit is, because we see none.’
And the bald paladin is right. There is no door in the entire area, except the entrance. The hunters are champions are like rats in a big, hot trap now. And Carolyn begins to panic – again.
|06-05-2007, 04:46 AM||#4|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Robert's Sacrifice (Part Four)
‘By Vadis! H-how can we get out of here? Please, Lord Paliades, you surely know the way, don’t you?’
‘My ancestors only built the mechanical aspects of this sanctum, and the magical and biological things by the Thyrinians. So this room and the wyrms are really out of my hands.’
‘Hahaha! Some leader!’ says Orlevant out loud, scornfully. ‘And you told us you know this sanctum from A to Z! I think it’s time to pay attention to the riddle in the runes now!’
‘Well if that’s what you want, why don’t YOU be the leader now? ‘Cause honestly, I’m sick and tired of you and your petty ambitions. I’ve had enough telling you all about everything technical, and…’
Robert decides not to listen to all these useless arguments any longer, and continues to walk on the stone paths. Then he and two other hunters reach the end of the path. Robert analyzes the situation in front of him.
Ah, so this is where the path ends. But there’s nothing over there but another vast lava pool surrounded by a narrow path as a wall, separating it from the wyrms’ pit. And the wall is where I’m standing now. Because of that, this pit is much hotter than the other one.
Then Robert shouts to the others, ‘Hey! Look at what we found here!’
Several hunters, including Robert’s party, Kyflynn, Dar’gum and Sheena go to the large pit to join Robert.
‘It looks like a sacrificial pit,’ says Andreas.
‘Yes,’ says Iris. ‘We usually give burnt offerings to Enia with the mystic fire from the priests, but we only burn fruits, tree branches and leaves, and they actually dissolve during the process, not burn. And we never use a sacrificial pit to do it.’
‘Sacrifice!’ says Robert thoughtfully. ‘Yes, this is the real meaning of the riddle! We must sacrifice everything we have, even our lives, to pass this area or open the way out for others by jumping into this sacrificial pit, offering ourselves to Enia.’
‘Are you crazy, Rob?’ says Kyflynn. ‘There’s no way I’m going in THERE!’
‘Maybe this is not the place to do it, Rob. And maybe we don’t have to sacrifice our lives, just everything we have,’ says Carolyn, being as logical as ever.
‘Perhaps it is,’ says Robert. ‘But unless you want to try breaking the walls here or going into the wyrm’s lava pit, or going all the way back to the engine room to find another exit, I think this sacrificial pit is the best bet we have.’
‘It’s too deep for anyone who has a big idea to lower a meat in there with the longest rope you can find,’ says Andreas, supporting Robert’s idea. ‘So, who wants to jump first?’
None of the champions and hunters who listened to Robert is willing to do a wild goose chase by jumping into the sacrificial pit. They just keep silent, some even murmuring to each other, uttering excuses or accusing Robert of being the craziest bounty hunter alive.
Aware of that situation, Robert closes his eyes, kisses his ring with a decision in his mind.
Eloise, looks like we won’t be together again at all. I must do this for the hunters here and mankind’s sake. I’ll die taking your love with me. Farewell, beautiful. Mother, father, Jeanna, Tisha… I’ll be seeing you again soon. I hope my deed here will earn my way home to heaven and you all will be proud of me. I’m coming.
And then Robert turns to Andreas, saying, ‘Padre Andreas, please take care of our friends now I’m gone, and Carol, you can have Paeldagrin and all my things. Bye, Iris, and send my farewell to Chris!’
Without waiting for his friends’ response, Robert jumps into the boiling lava in the sacrificial pit! Carolyn screams most hysterically.
But it’s too late. No levitation, teleportation even protective spells can save Robert now. He splashes into the pit very quickly, that no one sees him burn and writhe into ash. He just disappears – for ever.
‘NOOOO….! Robert, why did you do this? We still need you! I need you…’ Carolyn mourns at the top of her voice, the peak of her despair, expressing her true feelings to Robert at last. But what’s the use now? The one and only man she truly admires is now gone, leaving her alone.
Carolyn’s scream gains attention from the rest of the surviving hunters and champions, including Paliades and Orlevant who stop arguing against each other at once.
There’s nothing happening after Robert’s sacrifice. No door appears, no open walls, no exits, nothing. The hunters stare at Robert’s Robert-less party, demanding an explanation. Andreas tells all other hunters, Alexis, Adler, Eidos, Paliades, Orlevant and Hernan about Robert’s sacrifice, the sacrificial pit and the reason of his action in conjunction between riddle and reality.
Adler coldly comments, ‘That is the most foolish thing I ever heard in my life! I’d say we better use another way out!’
‘I beg your pardon, Lord Adler, but through what? I rather die in there now than to die of hunger, thirst and this suffocating heat!’ Carolyn says that, trying to suppress her anger and irritation. ‘That’s it. Good bye, everyone. I’m following Robert.’
No sooner than it’s said, the broken-hearted and frustrated sorceress runs at once and jumps into the sacrificial pit, following the only one she looked up to since she was an over-eager upstart. Tears like pearls and crystals fly out from her eyes, out from sadness, despair and pride because she has defended her beloved’s belief to the end.
The rest of Robert’s group, Andreas and Iris, looks and nods at each other. Both agree that they should think as a unit, a team. Fight together, survive and die together. And they immediately go after Carolyn and jump into their doom. Even Chiel flies into the pit too, not willing to part with its master, Carol.
Four hunters down, but still no exit appears. Kyflynn turns to Sheena, Baxter and Ellephar, saying,
‘Well, I guess I’ll sacrifice myself too. If you want the greaves back, come and catch me in hell. But keep in mind that I seriously admire you, Sheena. You’re one hell of a leader.’
Sheena Mekh’ta the Bandit Queen answers, ‘So, why wait? Let’s settle our score in there now, one on one! Bax, Ellep! Want to see the sexiest lady in Aurelia in action?’
Baxter and Ellephar raise their weapons. Baxter shouts,
‘Of course, Sheena! Wo-hoo! We won’t miss this one, in hell or damnation!’
The dim-witted Ellephar also yells, ‘Way a go, Sheena! You’re rockin’ hot!’
Desmond also talks, ‘Hey, hey. I wouldn’t want to miss the action too. I want to try my skills on you two, must use my fist more often now my maul is gone. Don’t you want it too, Tina?’
Agustina Vyrakova doesn’t respond at all and her face is still cold like a golem. But she follows Desmond anyway, and that makes the hefty berserker put a smile on his face.
Together, Kyflynn, Baxter, Ellephar, Sheena, Agustina and Desmond jump into the pit, followed by several more hunters.
Still nothing happens.
Hernan has his eyes on Ney’varìth and says, ‘My fair lady, would you like to join me and guide me down there? I’d be honored if you do.’
Ney regards Hernan coldly and warily, ‘Yes, but it’s only because that’s a duty I must see through to the end. But I warn you, if you touch me just once, I’ll offer your head to Enia on silver platter!’
‘Is that a threat, ma’am?’
‘Oh yes it is, Don Hernan y Parvaez, sir. With all due respect.’
‘Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go!’
Hernan goes to the edge and jumps into the pit, followed by Ney. Orlevant is going to prevent Ney from sacrificing herself, but no words come out from his lips. It’s Ney’s duty after all, he thinks. If that’s the true meaning of the riddle and Enia demands it, then we the children of Enia must obey, and that’s the only way we can find out. This is our final duty, and I’ll let Paliades lead the rest from now on. Orlevant makes his final speech.
‘Fellow elves, let’s follow Iris and Ney and finish our duty to Mother Enia. Lord Paliades, you’re the leader and I’m sorry that I questioned about it all the time. Farewell, may the sun always shine upon you, and the earth gives you life.’
The night elves also speak up, ‘And may the moon bring you good fortune and the stars guide you through the night. We will come with you.’
And then one by one, the elves jump into the sacrificial pit to fulfill their final duty.
Adler is getting frustrated. Still nothing happens! Damn fools! Wasting your lives just like disposing garbage! Now we surely won’t survive at all! Damn!
Prince Alexis of Arcadia now speaks up, ‘Now that we are stuck, the rest is up to you. There’s no exit, no matter how many lives were sacrificed for our sake. And there’s no going back either. I’m going to sacrifice myself – maybe Enia wants to test our faith, and maybe she’ll save us before we are burnt to death. I’m going there, and I hope you too.’
Paliades the Parthenian Paladin walks to the edge of the sacrificial pit, saying, ‘How deep is our love to Enia? If Enia demands our every thing, even our very lives, shall we be willing to give it to her? We’ll find out, now!’
Eidos says, ‘I’ll go with you, Lord Paliades, even into the mouth of hell itself.’
With that last word, Paliades plunges himself into the pit, followed by Alexis and Eidos. It took them long enough to understand, but they did it. Almost all hunters who survive the wyrms also plunge in, following their leaders.
Fools! Even you V.I.P’s can’t grasp the truth behind all this! But look at the bright side. With the Crown Prince of Arcadia and the Grand Marshal of Parthenia gone, it’ll be all to easy for me to claim their kingdoms once I get out of this sanctum! Screw the Deathblade! Screw the Pope, the Elf Queen, Vadis, Enia and Adair! I want an empire for myself, and I’ll be far greater than Sage the Fireheart ever been!
Still with thoughts in his head, Viscount Adler von Bachmann of Borgia still stands on the edge of the sacrificial pit, and spits into the pit. The spit vaporizes before it can touch the lava. Adler sneers.
|06-05-2007, 09:56 AM||#5|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Vadis I have read a fare portion of the work and I had to stop because I kept seeing the same mistakes over and over again. It sounds like an interesting story but you are not telling it as best as it could be told. The main problem is that your writing is getting in the way, instead of drawing the reader in, it almost pushes him out. Let me explain.
Your use of the word "says", I have no idea where you could have gotten that from, frankly I've never read anything where says was used but it distracts when "said" works so much better. Said is almost invisible, our minds have gotten so used to it that we don't see it on the page, try reading anything where said is used and see how many times you will recognize it, compared to "says", which makes itself * every time it is used.
Here is an article to explain this more
Another thing you're doing wrong is telling instead of showing. Let me give you some examples from your writing.
"Robert doesn’t want this delay to last any longer and shouts":
Why are you telling us he doesn't want the delay, show us through his actions, facial expressions, the words he uses, how he uses them, etc.
"Robert answers in irritation": Don't tell us he is irritated, show us.
Here is another article to explain:
You also have way too may adverbs.
I hope you take those criticism for what they are, to help make your work better, I strongly suggest you get a good book on writing, You have a good idea and from what you're showing the drive to finish it, if you're gonna write all those words you might as well do it the best way you can.
|06-05-2007, 04:53 PM||#6|
Loudmouth copy editor
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: London, UK
Just like if you want to read comics, you should read a lot of comics, if you want to write prose, read a lot of prose.
And read constructively: read once just to read the story, then read again to see how the story is structured and characters develop, and then again to see how the writer's style works (how does she/he make you care about characters; how are scenes developed; how is the world presented; how is it made believable).
And rewrite, rewrite, rewrite - after you've written something put it away for a couple of days and read it again. Look for where you can improve the writing and rewrite it. And repeat, until you are satisfied you're as close to perfect as you can be.
If you can find a writer's circle near you, join them. They can be a huge help.
|06-07-2007, 10:06 PM||#7|
Join Date: Oct 2006
I began revising right away!
Well, as all of you guys commented the same things over and over again, I better go back to the basics and begin the work right away. It will take time, long time, no doubt but for the readers' sake I must do it.
Just completed the preface, I hope there's some improvement here.
Evil once ruled supreme in this world, the Evil named Vordac, the Dark Overlord. His domination was ended by Sage the Fireheart, who assembled the Seven Heroes and waged the First Crusade. Vordac has once rebelled against Adair the Sodomos, the Dark God. Adair defeated Vordac, banished him from the underworld and cursed Vordac to roam in Eternia eternally. As a result of that, Vordac’s spirit can possess mediums or hosts, and after his defeat to Sage, he possessed a medium, the Great Sword Deathblade.
Vordac re-emerged with the help of his host, Mildred Urganon, but he again met a fatal defeat from Fireheart’s son, Antoine the Avenger. And again, Vordac’s spirit found refuge in Deathblade.
And now, that very sword was in the hands of an old man with white long hair, eyebrows, moustache and beard, wearing everything white. He was standing in a dark, vast room with another old man and a she-elf. The bearded man talked,
“At last, we found the perfect, safest place to keep the sword.”
“Are you sure, Azrael?” said the blonde, long, curly-haired she-elf inquiringly, “Because, honestly, this room is not inaccessible enough.”
“I agree with Carolyn,” said the old, half-bald man with a white moustache. “I say we better melt this sword in the lava pit.”
“I can’t believe a scientist like you would say that, Theripides. If we melt this sword, we’ll destroy it. Vordac’s spirit will be free and possess any of us,” said Azrael.
“Hmph, I guess we don’t have a choice, then,” said Theripides. “We have searched for months, and Her Majesty here offered this place although she is not sure either.”
Carolyn responded with a sigh, “I guess we have to be satisfied of this place. It has all natural barriers, enough to prevent any being to reach here. All we have to do now is adding some more to make sure no one can claim the sword, even us.”
Azrael nodded and made a decision, “Very well, then, we’ll seal Deathblade in here! I will now create a force field using this orb, and I also need some magical assistance from you two. This will be the final barrier should others fail. So, shall we begin?”
“Naturally,” said Carolyn.
“Anytime,” said Theripides.
Azrael held the sword with his outstretched hands, and Theripides cast a spell to keep it aloft.
Azrael released the sword, reaching into his pocketed belt. He took out a small silvery-white orb, placed it on his upright palm, and chanted,
“Aegis, ma washtar galatre Kraal’shazar, im gemackt an Corona Infer. (Aegis, please help seal the Deathblade, as the Little Sun is being made)”
The orb reacted and emitted violent sparks, then flew towards Deathblade. When the orb touched the sword with a devil carved on its hilt and seven runes of Original Sin carved on its blade, the sword suddenly vibrated very hard. The red eye carved on the blade just above the hilt opened wide although it’s alive. A thick aura of darkness came out from the eye, resisting the power from the white orb.
The orb intensified its energy, and the sword followed suit to match it. As they reached the peak of their auras, anyone can see a visualization of a thunder bird and a black devil fighting each other. Soon enough, the thunder bird still didn’t get the upper hand against the devil. Seeing this grim prospect, Azrael decided to help, saying,
“I’ll begin the sealing process now! The dark energy from Vordac is still too strong for Aegis! Carolyn, help Aegis too!”
While chanting an indistinct, long mantra, Azrael released threads of light from his ten fingers of his hands. The threads of light spun around the devil and the thunder bird as though trying to cover both of them in a bigger orb.
Carolyn’s Force of Nature spell was much simpler than Azrael’s, yet more focused, giving more and ever-amplified pressure on the sword and also amplifying Aegis’ power. Under such pressure, the devil’s shadow roared. It amplified its energy threefold and overpowered Aegis and the three wizards. It now looked like a devil’s shadow with an overlarge, open mouth. It was going to swallow Aegis!
Knowing that more power was needed, Theripides showed his speciality: his ability to cast two spells in one time. His left hand was still on his magical Tome of Time and Tide, casting Eleviant spell. Using his free hand holding the Chrono Chakram, he cast Meteor Shower. Bolts of fiery meteorites poured down from above, and all focused towards one target: the Deathblade. The battle turned in an even footing again, but the wizards needed something more – because they didn’t know how long they can keep this on. If one of them ran out of mana, all will be lost.
A calm loving smile showed on Azrael’s face. He knew at once that for the greater good, he must sacrifice himself. He stared at Carolyn and Theripides in turns, and then nodded. Just then, a layer of light appeared, covering Azrael’s body and making him shine dazzlingly. Carolyn and Theripides stared back at Azrael in terror: Azrael is going to cast Divine Retribution, the spell that once made him vanish without a trace – until he was found again about five years later.
Before any of them can say anything to stop Azrael, he already spoke the incantation aloud.
“Eleison ex Tributalis!”
As though a million angels rush down from the sky to attack one devil lord, the beautiful-looking yet deadly spell attacked the Deathblade from all sides. It was a sure hit, no evil can escape and block this spell, the damage was continuous and extreme – the truly ultimate holy spell next to Armageddon. If it was a one-hit and kill, Azrael was going to be all right. But the need to cast this spell ceaselessly drained more energy than Azrael can bear.
The Great Archmage of Light’s face turned white and pale, with traces of his nerves showing on his face and hands. His eyes were bloodshot, and blood began to drop out from his eyes, nostrils, ears and mouth. It seemed the spell was backfiring on him because of his lack of mana energy, but now the vision of devil began to contort and dissolve. The dark mana from the sword was going to be suppressed, and the seal was about to be completed.
Then suddenly the devil’s shadow exploded the last drops of its energy, throwing Azrael, Theripides and Carolyn far away. The Orb of Aegis was thrown too, but it didn’t break. It immediately turned into a white bird and flew back to the sword. Then it used this golden opportunity to electrocute the entire sword.
Staggering and half-kneeling, Azrael also used the last drops of his energy to complete the seal covering the sword. Theripides, who instinctively rushed near the sword, got an unpredictable turn. The Deathblade suddenly attacked and severed Theripides’ right arm. Theripides moved back, electrocuted and badly wounded. Now he would realize that it was the stupidest thing he ever done in his lifetime.
Carolyn immediately moved to cure Theripides, and the Viavitali (Great Heal) spell mended his severed arm nicely although it can’t connect the severed parts together. “Good thing you’re a lefty, we sure are going to need your technical concepts.”
“Ugnnh... I’m done here, don’t worry about me. You better tend to Azrael.”
“Ah, alas... he’s a lost case. Just let him finish the sealing before we help him.”
“He did it again,” said Theripides, shaking his head. “Why did he get to cast that blasted spell? Come to think again, he really sacrificed much so we can seal this sword.”
At last, Azrael finished making the orb covering the sword and covering Aegis’ orb. Now Aegis was assigned to a new job: suppressing and protecting Kraal’shazar, the Deathblade at all times. Carolyn the Elf Queen, the Archmage of Nature completed the sealing by adding an enchantment: Flame of the Eternal Corona on the orb surface, making it into a complete miniature sun.
“At last... my last mission in this world is complete.”
After he said that, Azrael fell on his knees. Fatigue took him over now all his magical energy was gone. He was one hundred twenty four years old now, and he was a mage no more. Naturally, he was now very weak and his feet can barely support him. Carolyn moved to support Azrael, saying, “You fool... losing everything to a devil-inhabited sword. You should’ve done better.”
Azrael responded feebly, “I have done my best, and... and I h-have no... regrets. Now I’m g-g-going to leave you all f-for sure. This is my last journey. I can’t go anywhere else now. Please, my friends. Now, for the first time, I’m going to ask you two some f-favors.
Please send my regards to the Old Emperor Sage and Prince Anthony. Tell them it’s been an honor serving them. And for me, Anthony is always Anthony. I will send his love to my daughter Vivian in heaven. May Arcadia live long and prosper.
Also, tell your descendants that should the Deathblade is in the open again and Vordac gets a new host, they must gather a number of heroes again to prevent that or make sure that this time Vordac’s soul will perish permanently.
I now prophesy that one day the paladins will rise. We may not be able to seal Vordac forever. But when Vordac is indeed released, these multi-talented heroes of light will emerge and fight the Dark Overlord and his minions. Find them, and make sure they are united and well-prepared. Only in the paladins’ hands hope may prevail.
And this is my last request. Just let me stay near here long enough until I die. I will now retire from the world and take a rest here. Put somebody trustworthy here to take care of me, so I can look towards this place where my masterpiece lays and be happy and satisfied about my life and what I’ve done for this world. I hope you will comply with my wishes.”
“Of course, Azrael, my friend,” said Theripides. “We will strengthen this place with our combined mastery of science and magic, and prepare our future generations.”
“And we will find and gather the paladins once we hear or see any premonition of Vordac’s return. The Holy Pope in Valanis will help too,” said Carolyn.
“Thank you, my friends,” said Azrael with tears in his eyes. “Thank you for appreciating my thoughts and wishes. N-now would you take this old soul outside, to his final resting place?”
“You don’t have to ask,” said Carolyn. Then she and Theripides took the ex-wizard Azrael out of the room through a secret stone door and then the door slammed shut.
The room was empty again, except for a miniature sun ever-burning in the center. It was the sun with a devil within.
|06-08-2007, 12:18 AM||#8|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Hello Vadis, I must applaude your dedication to your work, I can see that you have spent a lot of time creating this world with all its myths, history etc.
This is a definite improvement over what I read previously, I think your characterisation is good, your characters seem unique and have their own voice.
Your dialogue and pacing are also good.
What the problem this time is your POV. you're using an omniscience point of view which is like having a fourth person in the scene telling us everything. What would be better in my humble opinion is to use a POV of one of the characters, either Carolyn or Theripides.
That way we get to see everything from their eyes, experience what they are thinking and feeling, that way your reader gets to care and identify with that person.
The battle turned in an even footing again, but the wizards needed something more – because they didn’t know how long they can keep this on. If one of them ran out of mana, all will be lost.
If this was from Say Carolyn's POV, it would go something like this:
The battle was on an even footing again but Carolyn didn't know how long they could hold on, "we need more" she whispered to herself, then she noticed azrael smiling. As he turned to Theripedes then to her, her blood grew cold, something was wrong, Azrael's face showed the calm loving smile of someone who had come to accept the inevitable.
I'm not saying that you should write it exactly like this but if you compare the two I think you can see that in the second version we get to feel what Carolyn is feeling and thinking, so we are drawn deeper into the story. We begin to care.
Overall you are improving and I want to encrourage you to keep it up.