Fatal Stryke Assassin

thall838 · 05-25-2007, 08:56 PM

What's up everybody? This an 8 page story that i've been working on. I haven't added any dialogue to this yet. Basically i'm just trying to see how strong my story telling is. I do plan on adding dialogue though. Any and all comments and crits is welcome! Thanks and enjoy!!

Fatal Stryke Assassin
Issue: ½
Title: Prologue
Written by: T. Edward Hall

Scene- A dark and scary looking cemetery at night.

Page 1-

Full splash page-

1- A silhouette of a man in a trench coat is seen standing alone by a tombstone.

Page 2-

1- On the right side of the panel, close up of man’s face but it’s also a silhouette. On the left side of the panel, we see a small silhouette approaching him from the rear.

2- Same as in 1, but the silhouette is now getting closer.

3- Same as in 2, but now the silhouette has now gotten a lot bigger and closer.

4- The man has opened his eyes now. The silhouette has stopped. We can now see sets of eyes appearing throught out the silhouette.

Page 3-

1- It turns out that the silhouette was actually about a dozen or so heavily armed men sneaking up on the man.

2- Close shot of the man’s squinting eyes.

3- The armed men are now all pointing their guns at the man. All their guns are all equipped with inferred laser/scopes.

4- Shot of the man’s back. It’s covered in red dots.

5- The man is seen grabbing his guns from his side.

Page 4-

Double splash page-

1- The man has turned around to face his attackers. He is heavily armed as well. His attackers now have him surrounded. The beams from their inferred laser/scopes are now coming at the man from all different directions/angles.

Page 5-

Splash page continues-

1- We see a few more attackers on this page all aiming their guns at the man.

Page 6-

1- The armed men have now open fire, but the man has managed to jump out of the line of fire. As he does this, he is shown returning fire at his attackers.

2- A few attackers are shown getting shot in the head with the back of their heads exploding.

3- The man has landed and is rolling on the ground still shooting at his attackers.

4- A couple more attackers are shown getting their head’s blown off.

5- The man has landed and has found cover behind a tombstone. In the background we see the last of his attackers.

Page 7-

1- The attackers are seen shooting up the tombstone. The tombstone is seen being shot to pieces.

2- They cease fire. At this point they realize that man is no longer hiding behind the shot up stone. All is shown is man’s trench coat just lying there.

3- All of a sudden, the remaining attacker’s attention is now focused up.

4- Close up of a pair of frighten eyes. In these eyes you can see the man coming towards the reader with a sword in his hands. He is about to deliver a final striking blow to the last remaining attackers.

5- All black panel.

Sfx: SWISSSSHHHH

Page 8-

Full splash page-

1- The ground is littered with decapitated bodies and heads as we see the man walking off. As he walks off we see that he has put his trench coat back on.

knockedoutpanzer · 05-26-2007, 06:44 AM

This is a jolly tale and the visuals and pay off (the assassin calmly misleading his would be killers with his trench-coat) is a good one.

However the delivery of some of the descriptions I believe has to be more accurate. You repeatedly use the terms "silhouette" to represent something or someone-thats ok But I think it would be clearer to say "figures in silhouette" or a "face hidden in shadow" some artists might get confused.

Also be wary of "coming towards the reader" the artist might (he/she may be a bit dim) think you mean draw in a reader which would be too bizarre for words. Clearer is using POV (it means point of view) so from the POV of the reader... I liked it otherwise.

thall838 · 05-28-2007, 12:34 PM

knockedoutpanzer - thanks for the suggestions and i'm glad you liked it!

thall838 · 06-05-2007, 08:04 PM

Wow, i'm up to 70 views and only got one reply. Well i cant complain at least yall are looking!! Thanks for viewing

!!

thall838 · 06-17-2007, 05:12 PM

wow now im up to 108 views and still no one critics?

Multisync143 · 06-18-2007, 10:21 PM

It's hard to critic half a script, but here i go, the panel descriptions need to be beefed up.

05-25-2007, 08:56 PM	#1
thall838 Creator/Writer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lawnside, N.J. Posts: 257	Fatal Stryke Assassin What's up everybody? This an 8 page story that i've been working on. I haven't added any dialogue to this yet. Basically i'm just trying to see how strong my story telling is. I do plan on adding dialogue though. Any and all comments and crits is welcome! Thanks and enjoy!! Fatal Stryke Assassin Issue: ½ Title: Prologue Written by: T. Edward Hall Scene- A dark and scary looking cemetery at night. Page 1- Full splash page- 1- A silhouette of a man in a trench coat is seen standing alone by a tombstone. Page 2- 1- On the right side of the panel, close up of man’s face but it’s also a silhouette. On the left side of the panel, we see a small silhouette approaching him from the rear. 2- Same as in 1, but the silhouette is now getting closer. 3- Same as in 2, but now the silhouette has now gotten a lot bigger and closer. 4- The man has opened his eyes now. The silhouette has stopped. We can now see sets of eyes appearing throught out the silhouette. Page 3- 1- It turns out that the silhouette was actually about a dozen or so heavily armed men sneaking up on the man. 2- Close shot of the man’s squinting eyes. 3- The armed men are now all pointing their guns at the man. All their guns are all equipped with inferred laser/scopes. 4- Shot of the man’s back. It’s covered in red dots. 5- The man is seen grabbing his guns from his side. Page 4- Double splash page- 1- The man has turned around to face his attackers. He is heavily armed as well. His attackers now have him surrounded. The beams from their inferred laser/scopes are now coming at the man from all different directions/angles. Page 5- Splash page continues- 1- We see a few more attackers on this page all aiming their guns at the man. Page 6- 1- The armed men have now open fire, but the man has managed to jump out of the line of fire. As he does this, he is shown returning fire at his attackers. 2- A few attackers are shown getting shot in the head with the back of their heads exploding. 3- The man has landed and is rolling on the ground still shooting at his attackers. 4- A couple more attackers are shown getting their head’s blown off. 5- The man has landed and has found cover behind a tombstone. In the background we see the last of his attackers. Page 7- 1- The attackers are seen shooting up the tombstone. The tombstone is seen being shot to pieces. 2- They cease fire. At this point they realize that man is no longer hiding behind the shot up stone. All is shown is man’s trench coat just lying there. 3- All of a sudden, the remaining attacker’s attention is now focused up. 4- Close up of a pair of frighten eyes. In these eyes you can see the man coming towards the reader with a sword in his hands. He is about to deliver a final striking blow to the last remaining attackers. 5- All black panel. Sfx: SWISSSSHHHH Page 8- Full splash page- 1- The ground is littered with decapitated bodies and heads as we see the man walking off. As he walks off we see that he has put his trench coat back on.

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05-26-2007, 06:44 AM	#2
knockedoutpanzer Hails Cthulhu! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: england Posts: 970	This is a jolly tale and the visuals and pay off (the assassin calmly misleading his would be killers with his trench-coat) is a good one. However the delivery of some of the descriptions I believe has to be more accurate. You repeatedly use the terms "silhouette" to represent something or someone-thats ok But I think it would be clearer to say "figures in silhouette" or a "face hidden in shadow" some artists might get confused. Also be wary of "coming towards the reader" the artist might (he/she may be a bit dim) think you mean draw in a reader which would be too bizarre for words. Clearer is using POV (it means point of view) so from the POV of the reader... I liked it otherwise.

05-28-2007, 12:34 PM	#3
thall838 Creator/Writer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lawnside, N.J. Posts: 257	knockedoutpanzer - thanks for the suggestions and i'm glad you liked it!

06-05-2007, 08:04 PM	#4
thall838 Creator/Writer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lawnside, N.J. Posts: 257	Wow, i'm up to 70 views and only got one reply. Well i cant complain at least yall are looking!! Thanks for viewing !!

06-17-2007, 05:12 PM	#5
thall838 Creator/Writer Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Lawnside, N.J. Posts: 257	wow now im up to 108 views and still no one critics?

06-18-2007, 10:21 PM	#6
Multisync143 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 782	It's hard to critic half a script, but here i go, the panel descriptions need to be beefed up.