I suck at writing pitches...

[The Anti-crest]

The following is a pitch I plan to include with my entry to the comic book challenge. I followed the scryptic studios guide to pitching and I always end up writing more than I think is necessary. Please read this and let me know if you were a judge, would you want this to make it to the next round?

An ogre tries to live a peaceful life as he encounters many humans who mistake him for a monster simply because of his green skin, large build and ugly face.

OGRE is an allegory for the way many Americans have treated people of middle eastern descent after the horrific attacks of September 11th. Combining ignorance and prejudice everyday humans accuse those who have fled their homes in fear of monstrous attacks for monsters themselves. Grigoriy sits in a bar and reflects on the life he and his family have built in the world of humans as he tries to decide if moving to a new land was the best thing for his family.

On their wedding night, nearly 15 years ago, Grigoriy and his wife Dikranouhi fled their homeland so they could raise children in a world with out racial violence. The young couple found a place to live in Cro-Magnia, a nation mostly populated by humans, which boasts of its open arms towards immigrants. Throughout history there has been too much violence between the different species of the world and historical conflicts reinvent themselves over again. Several months ago Cro-Magnia was attacked by a group of Troll extremists who resent the human way of life. This act of monstrous violence has created a nation wide call to arms against trolls and monsters of any kind.

Grigoriy fantasizes about the way Cro-Magnia has shaped the lives of his wife, Dikranouhi, and his two children, Seda and Vartouhi. The more he drinks the worse he feel about the choices he has made in life. He imagines Seda as a teenage harlot and thinks of himself as a failing husband and father. The pain of his insecurities is only outweighed by his memories of his homeland being ravished by troll extremists.

As his self pity reaches new lows, and the number of beer bottles on his table reaches scary heights, a fellow patron picks a fight by insisting that Grigoriy is connected to the troll extremists who recently attacked Cro-Magnia. Grigoriy is arrested and blamed for the fight, his punishment is light but he is forever marked as a monster in the eyes of the law.

Although Ogre is a self contained One Shot, Grigoriy and his family have many other stories to tell. While studying the Ogre genocide of 1915 Seda learns of modern genocide in other parts of the world and wonders why nobody will try to stop it. Dikranouhi resents Grigoiry for drinking so much and becoming so angry that it strains their relationship. Vartouhi struggles to fit into a world of humans at a young age and has to decide between embracing her heritage and ignoring it.

Ogre follows the tradition of Art Spiegelman's anthropomorphic classic, Maus, and will resonate with those who angry bigots have previously mistaken for another race, religion or social class, but will ring true for those of middle eastern decent the most.

[Scribe]

Sorry, if I were an editor I would just send back a form rejection.

First off this pitch doesn't tell me your story. You mention about half way through that you consider this a one shot, so does that mean you're going to tell that entire story in 22 pages? Do you have an artist? This isn't a pitch its a story synopsis that's probably more appropriate for a novel. I think you have way too much story to fit into a oneshot.

Second of all, this is not the best time for do Ogres not fitting into society story. Being happy with yourself and dealing with prejudice is one of the main themes of Shrek, which is also about Orgres.

Also for me, and this is just my opinion, it sounds too preachy.

[The Anti-crest]

The story isn't about being happy with oneself, its about the way americans have treated middle easterners after 9/11, although Grigoriys self esteem is a major part of the story, the over all theme is very different from shrek. Letting alone the content review, which I appreciate, could you give me some ideas on how to make the pitch better.

Yes, it is a one shot and the script is finished, it all fits into 22 pages, mostly through prose. The story progresses on Grigoriy's way of thinking exactly as i laid out in paragraphs three, four and five. It is told through his thoughts about key moments in his life and his current perception of the people he cares most about.

Someone had suggest that I seperate the different sections with titles, so I'll post that(along with some slight rewrites) below.

Should I mention that it is stream of conciousness?

The Concept:

An ogre tries to live a peaceful life as he encounters many humans who mistake him for a monster simply because of his green skin, large build and ugly face.

Overview:

OGRE is an allegory for the way many Americans have treated people of middle eastern descent after the horrific attacks of September 11th. Combining ignorance and prejudice everyday humans accuse those who have fled their homes in fear of monstrous attacks for monsters themselves. Grigoriy sits in a bar and reflects on the life he and his family have built in the world of humans as he tries to decide if moving to a new land was the best thing for his family.

Synopsis:

On their wedding night, nearly 15 years ago, Grigoriy and his wife Dikranouhi fled their homeland so they could raise children in a world with out racial violence. The young couple found a place to live in Cro-Magnia, a nation mostly populated by humans, which boasts of its open arms towards immigrants. Throughout history there has been too much violence between the different species of the world and historical conflicts reinvent themselves over again. Several months ago Cro-Magnia was attacked by a group of Troll extremists who resent the human way of life. This act of monstrous violence has created a nation wide call to arms against trolls and monsters of any kind.
Grigoriy fantasizes about the way Cro-Magnia has shaped the lives of his wife, Dikranouhi, and his two children, Seda and Vartouhi. The more he drinks the worse he feel about the choices he has made in life. He imagines Seda as a teenage harlot and thinks of himself as a failing husband and father. The pain of his insecurities is only outweighed by his memories of his homeland being ravished by troll extremists.
As his self pity reaches new lows, and the number of beer bottles on his table reaches scary heights, a fellow patron picks a fight by insisting that Grigoriy is connected to the troll extremists who recently attacked Cro-Magnia. Grigoriy is arrested and blamed for the fight, his punishment is light but he is forever marked as a monster in the eyes of the law.

Extensions:

Although Ogre is a self contained One Shot, Grigoriy and his family have many other stories to tell. While studying the Ogre genocide of 1915 Seda learns of modern genocide in other parts of the world and wonders why nobody will try to stop it. Dikranouhi resents Grigoriy for his heavy drinking and it strains their relationship past its breaking point. Vartouhi struggles to fit into a world of humans at a young age and has to decide between embracing her heritage and ignoring it.

Marketing:

Ogre follows the tradition of Art Spiegelman's anthropomorphic classic, Maus, and will resonate with those who angry bigots have previously mistaken for another race, religion or social class, but will ring true for those of middle eastern decent the most. Much like Art Spiegelman's Maus and Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis, Ogre's stirring subject matter will attract readers who vary rarely read comic books as demonstrated by an already large following on Myspace who do not read comics. Renzo Podesta's unique art will attract the more subversive comic readers. Due to the serious subject matter and some foul language Ogre is for mature readers only.

Creators:

Ogre was written and lettered by Robert Tidwell, penciled, inked and colored by Renzo Podesta.

This is the page I'm going to submit with it, it still needs to be lettered but you'll get the idea.

http://a283.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...1e9f751ca2.jpg

[Multisync143]

I agree with Scribe. If I was a judge I wouldn’t want it to make it to the next round. Very weak allegory, you’ve taken modern day events and changed Muslim to Ogre. Just because you’ve spray painted a black car red doesn’t change the fact it’s the same car.

Also based on the pitch you aren’t really commenting on anything, just regurgitating the realities of today. I would suggest changing Orge back to Muslim and setting it in contemporary times.

That’s just the impression I get from the pitch, but who knows the script could be fantastic.

That begin said now that I’ve seen the art…

[The Anti-crest]

what do you mean by the whistling?

thanks for the feed back, does it really come off that weak? What I had on my myspace(I just changed it and didn't save the original) was a very brief sample of what I've typed out, mostly the Overview and concept paragraphs and people add me every day and send a comment or note that they don't read comics but that they think it sounds cool, then they ask me where they can buy it and i have to tell them they cant :'( yet.

The reason I used ogres was to kind of do what Maus did with jews=mouse, nazi's=cats. I wanted to show the many differences of not just muslims but many middle easterners in extremely simple and direct ways. I chose physical attributes and decided to make each different sect of either religion or race in the middle east a seperate type of creature. There is an elf who gets picked on, he's meant to be a buddhist. Also the Ogres are Armenians which are predominantly christian.

[Multisync143]

Originally Posted by The Anti-crest

what do you mean by the whistling?

I like the art. You know when the coyote in the cartoons does the whistling thing that's what i was going for.

You are taking a different approach than Maus, with Orge there is still the human element. I’m not suggestion you completely lose the anthropomorphic element, but right now it seems like you’ve only gone halfway.

[The Anti-crest]

oh, i usually use the whistling icon as kinda a sarcastic, "um, I'm going to go stand over here." heh. I wanted to make sure i understood what you were getting at.

Thanks for reading it though, sorry you don't think it sounds interesting. Aside from losing the anthropomorphic qualities, any other suggestions?

[W. Smith]

Hey A-C.
It is harder to seperate the fantasy creatures into pro and con like Maus did with mice and cats. The story can get too contrived really easily.

Lemme check the whole thing out carefully and then give you some more

[The Anti-crest]

The thing is though, the trolls(which are muslims) aren't really the bad guys of the story. The Monsters(which are terrorists if you havent figured that out) mostly play as evil doers through out the story, but the conflict comes from the people of Cro Magnia(which are Americans) treating all the species from other parts of the world as Monsters with out taking into consideration who or what they are.

[W. Smith]

Okay Here's my take. I like the story and the art...I would be hesitant in using the human race...I know what I said earlier in the last post. Ignore that..Pay attention now.

No one is so different as humans and ogres. The reason X-men worked so well for so long was that many of the differences were minor or easily disguised.

I would use a different race...maybe another fantasy race...Dwarves, Goblins? something not quite so different.
The horror of our attitudes is that it is the terror we perpetuate on each other of like kind.

Just my take.

[Multisync143]

Remember the Star Trek episode with the guys who were the same but different? One was black on the right side and white on the left. The other was white on the right side and black on the left. To the casual observer they were the same, but to each other they were completely unalike. The beauty with that was its simplicity. Point being, Ogres are fucking scary.

[W. Smith]

I"M AN OGRE!!!!

[Multisync143]

[W. Smith]

not really
but almost

[The Anti-crest]

Originally Posted by Multisync143

Remember the Star Trek episode with the guys who were the same but different? One was black on the right side and white on the left. The other was white on the right side and black on the left. To the casual observer they were the same, but to each other they were completely unalike. The beauty with that was its simplicity. Point being, Ogres are fucking scary.

That sounds damned interesting. I never saw that episode because I never liked star trek.

Anyway, I'm stuck using people because I've already paid the artist and I'm not about to have him redraw the whole thing.

The people are drawn very sketchy and have very blank personalities. They almost look like ghosts. So, that being, from here on out the people are ghosts.

You can see the people on the page with him at work.

http://a871.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...5e35bfb936.jpg