|11-08-2006, 09:47 AM||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Here is my modified first script for my character "The Temp".
Master control room. There are a number of video screens displaying different areas of a large building. There are three large monitors across the middle with smaller monitors on top and below. It appears to be a security monitoring room.
There is a silhouette of a large chair and a man watching the screens. The first large screen has an armed guard standing in the middle of a long corridor. The second monitor shows another armed guard in a smaller corridor with a large Steel door in the background. The third and final monitor shows a circular room with an armed guard walking the perimeter around a pedestal with a small metallic box.
Panel 1: Focus on the first guard. The shot is straight on showing his upper chest and face. Above him there is a ventilation shaft.
Cap: Some say education is the key.
Panel 2: Close up of Ventilation shaft. Show the entire face of the shaft. There are two screws, one on either side.
Cap: Others rely on a deep resume.
Panel 3: Close up of Screw on left side. It begins to turn.
Cap: I think it’s all about the interview.
Panel 4: Close up of Screw on the right side. It is Halfway out of the vent. The left one is now missing.
Cap: Educations can be bought….Resumes embellished…
Panel 1: Focus on the first guard. The shot is straight on showing his upper chest and face. Above him there is a ventilation shaft this time the cover to the vent is gone.
Cap: But an interview reveals much more.
Panel 2: Close up of shadowed ventilation shaft. A small tube extends from the shaft.
Cap: Lucky for me, I’m a people person.
Panel 3: Close up back of First Guard’s neck. Small dart is sticking out of his neck.
Cap: Because you only get one shot.
Panel 4: Long shot of corridor. Looks as if the room is on a monitor. The guard is lying face down on the ground and the ventilation cover is missing.
Cap: To make a good first impression.
Panel 1: An armed guard is standing ¾ shot looking down the corridor with a shadowed hall behind him.
Cap: Lucky for me, I’m a first impression specialist…
Panel 2. Close up of face. He is holding his hand to his ear as he listens to a communication ear piece.
Guard: Roger…I’ll check it out.
Cap: Someone people take notice of.
Panel 3: Wide shot of Guard with weapon extended in one direction as he looks the other. The Darkened corridor is behind him. There is now a shadowed figure standing behind him. The light barely reveals his mask and goggles.
Cap: A Real Go-Getter.
Panel 4: Black, gloved finger is reaching out to tap the guard on the shoulder.
Panel 5: The room is now empty on the monitor being watched from the security room.
Cap: ...A people-person…
Panel 1: Overhead shot inside the circular room. The guard is starting to run toward the door on the other side of the room. The center of the room still houses the small metal box.
Cap: Because that’s what an interview is about…
Panel 2: Close up of Guard’s face. Over his shoulder, the small box can be seen on the pedestal.
Computer Voice: Security Measure Theta Activated
Cap: Making a good impression,
Panel 3: Metallic box on pedestal from above. Red laser lights are lit up in a grid around the box.
Cap: Connecting with another person
Panel 4: Guard holding comlink up to his face. His sunglasses reflect the red laser lights.
Guard: Vault secured sir.
Cap: to make them feel comfortable with you.
Panel 5: Panel is black.
Guard: Sir…..Sir? Do you Copy?
Cap: Because if you can do that..
Panel 6: Room is empty, the laser lights are still in a grid around a pedestal, but there is no longer the metal box.
Cap: They will never forget you.
Large Panel: Panel takes up half of the page. The image is the same as the splash screen with the security room full of monitors.
This time the three monitors show the three different rooms, each of them with the guards lying on the ground unconscious. The silhouetted man is still watching the screens.
Panel 2 Inset: A woman’s face appears on a small monitor.
Woman: Excuse me sir. A priority package has just arrived for you.
Panel 3: Attractive Brunette woman with nice body in business suit is standing waiting for the man.
Woman: Good Afternoon Mr. Knight, I put the package on your desk as you requested and cleared your calendar for the rest of the day.
Knight: Thank you Mary, hold all my calls.
Panel 4: Small brown package is sitting on desk with a small envelope leaning next to it. The Envelope is addressed to Richard Knight.
Panel 1: Knight is standing behind his desk with his suit jacket off and his shirt sleeves rolled on each arm. He is holding the card from inside the envelope and reading it. On the Desk is the small Metallic Box from the room.
Cap: It’s all about making a good first impression.
Panel 2: Close up of Knight’s fingers as he dials numbers on his very elaborate phone system.
SFX: Beep, Boop, Boop, Beep…
Cap: Lucky for me, I’m a people person.
Panel 3: Wide shot of a black sports car zooming down a highway near the ocean.
Panel 4: Inside of car looking from the back seat out the windshield. The ocean is in the background. A gloved hand is reaching down toward a in dash-monitor and pressing a button.
Knight on the phone: You’re Hired.
|11-13-2006, 11:28 PM||#2|
Are you watching closely?
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cincinnati..nuff said
I liked this quick read but I just want to see more to grab me into the story. Not a bad opening but I just want to know who this person is and what should make me want to know more about him. Put some more up that gives me some insight on this person!!!
Shield of Justice
Youtube-Shield of Justice trailer
|11-14-2006, 08:56 AM||#3|
Join Date: Apr 2005
The captioning style for the first two pages were off the hook, untill the words "people person", becomes repeatative to a point of boredom for the first 6 pages of a 22/24 pager - I'm like, is this gonna go on for the rest of the script?
|11-14-2006, 04:18 PM||#4|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Thanks for the input.
Yeah I can see where you are coming from. This is the intro to the story and I get your point about the people person thing. I wanted it to hit home and sort of make you think that this guy is anything but a people person...but maybe...its a bit much.
Basically the story is of this guy who is hired for jobs where he infiltrates places and accomplishes a mission.
Hence the name "The Temp" he goes to work for people or groups on a temporary basis to get something done. He ultimately is there for a more sinister cause but I like the idea of him having to change who he is constantly to get things done.