|10-24-2006, 01:54 AM||#1|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Here is another little script I have written for my character Crimson Hawk. He is getting illustrated now and I hope to launch his site by next month.
Hope you enjoy. Crits welcome as always
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Panel 1 – (Full Page)
Crimson Hawk overlooking city perched high above on a single outcropping building ledge. He is peering down over the city with back to the camera. He resembles an Acupulco cliff diver.
Cap: 15th and Belle, 22nd Floor. 11:55 PM.
Hawk: THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
Panel 1 – (Top third of page)
Close up of Crimson Hawk’s mask and his eyes, we can see a slight reflection of the city below in them.
Cap: 11:56 PM
Hawk: MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID SUCCESS WAS ABOUT TIMING.
Panel 2 - (2-4 will split page in three and go across the middle of page)
Hawk standing with arms down by sides as if at attention. We are looking up at him from below.
Cap: 11:57 PM
Hawk: IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW YOU DO SOMETHING.
(this one bubble goes over the three panels as if it were one thought for the sequence.
Panel 3 – (middle)
Hawk holding arms straight out in front of him. Same view.
Cap: 11:58 PM
Panel 4 – (right)
Hawk is holding his hands out to the sides preparing for a swan dive. Same view
Cap: 11:59 PM
Panel 5 – Bottom Third of page
Shot from behind, we can see the bright city lights and a silhouette that has just dove into air off of the building toward the city below.
Cap: 12:00 AM
Hawk: IT’S MORE ABOUT WHEN.
Shot of city below. We can see a wide shot. The city is somewhat far from camera.
Cap: 15th and Belle, 21st Floor. 12:00:05 AM
Hawk: My father was a man of impeccable timing.
Shot of city below. The shot is bit closer to the camera, our hero is falling toward the ground below fast.
Cap: 19th Floor, 12:00:07 AM
Hawk: He always seemed to know when to make his move.
Shot of city below. Shot is even closer now.
Cap: 17th Floor, 12:00:08 AM
Hawk: HE NEVER RUSHED
Shot of city below. Shot is even closer now, the cars are getting larger by the second.
Cap: 15th Floor, 12:00:09 AM
Hawk: HE NEVER HESITATED
Shot of Hawk from below, his body is screaming downward toward the camera, his eyes open wide.
Cap: 14th Floor, 12:00:10 AM
Hawk: HE JUST ALWAYS KNEW WHEN TO MAKE HIS MOVE.
Panel 1 – This large panel takes up the first and second sections on the left. The next 3 panels will take place to the right of this one.
View from inside an apartment, a man is watching TV in his underwear, behind him there is a large window. Outside the window we can see the Crimson Hawk flying downward to the ground.
Cap: 15th and Belle, 13th Floor. 12:00:10 AM
Hawk: “TIMING IS EVERYTHING” HE ALWAYS SAID.
Panel 2 – to the right of the big panel
Close up view of the Crimson Hawk’s eyes.
Cap: 12th Floor, 12:00:11 AM
Panel 3 – to the right of the big panel
Close up view of the Crimson Hawk’s Wrist Guantlet with a grappling hook protruding from a small barrel.
Cap: 11th Floor, 12:00:11 AM
Steel ladder from a fire escape is jutting out from the building in the night.
Cap: 10h Floor, 12:00:12 AM
Panel 5 – Across the bottom
Close up view of the Crimson Hawk’s extendend Guantlet with a puff of smoke coming from the barrel, and chord from the grappling hook unreeling from the gauntlet.
Cap: 9h Floor, 12:00:13 AM
Steel ladder from fire escape from scene above, the hook has missed the mark sailing underneath by about 5 inches.
Cap: 8h Floor, 12:00:14 AM
Hawk: HAND GRENADES AND HORSHOES
View from side, we see Crimson Hawk falling toward the curled upward looking at his missed shot arm still extended as if he were aiming his firing arm with his other much like a policemen aiming his pistol.
Cap: 15th and Belle, 7th Floor. 12:00:15 AM
Hawk: GUESS DAD WAS RIGHT
View from above, CH is now looking upward toward the sky past his own feet readying another shot on his other wrist gauntlet.
Cap: 6h Floor, 12:00:15 AM
Hawk: TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Panel 3 – tall panel on right side
Wide shot from the other side of silhouette of CH falling, we see the puff of smoke and the second grappling hook shooting skyward toward a fire escape above him.
Cap: 5h Floor, 12:00:16 AM
Hawk: SO GLAD HE CAN'T SEE ME RIGHT NOW
Close up of grappling hook catching onto the steel frame of the fire extinguisher.
Cap: 4th Floor, 12:00:16 AM
Close up view of the chord snapping from the strain of the shot.
Cap: 3rd Floor, 12:00:17 AM
Close up shot of CH’s wide eyes. He realizes what just happened.
Cap: 2nd Floor, 12:00:18 AM
Hawk: GIMME A BREAK!
Full page. Chrimson Hawk is laying spread eagle atop a large pile of trash in a garbage truck
FX: BEEP BEEP BEEP
Cap: 15th and Belle, 1st Floor. 12:00:22 AM
Hawk: I WOULD SAY TIMING IS EVERYTHING BUT I THINK I JUST THREW UP IN MY MASK.
CAP: TO BE CONTINUED
Last edited by bugda15; 10-24-2006 at 02:00 PM.
|10-24-2006, 08:51 AM||#2|
Join Date: Apr 2004
This was an interesting piece, overall. I could see what was happening in every panel, so your panel descriptions are fine. There are really only three problems I have with this, and one of them's tiny.
The first one is the captions where you say what time it is and what floor CH is currently hurtling past. The ratio, overall, between floor and minutes past is 2:1 or in some cases 1:1. If somebody leapt off the top of a building and positioned himself to fall faster (you said he dove off the building), he'd be falling a LOT faster than one or two floors a minute. Depending on the size of the building, it would be more like one or two floors a second, and it would probably take him three or four minutes total to fall the entire way to the ground, so you may want to fix that. If you want to do it scientifically, there's a physics formula for how much time it will take, which I can't remember off the top of my head (I have physics last period) but I'll edit this post to include it when I next have a chance. Basically, the formula uses the distance he falls (i.e. the height of the building in meters) to determine how long it takes for him to fall, with downward acceleration at 9.8 meters/second squared. But that's if you want to do it exactly.
To make this more real and not use the formula, add the seconds to the times you give, for example 12:08:51, etc. This will show that time is passing while he's falling, and at the same time be a bit more realistic.
The second point is when Hawk speaks. Is he actually speaking out loud, or are these captions, or thoughts, or what? If he's speaking out loud, then why does he say out loud that he would say timing is everything but he just vomited, because that wouldn't make sense. If they're captions, you need to indicate that (i.e. Caption: (Hawk) "Blahblahblah . . .") If they're thought balloons, you need to indicate that as well (i.e. Hawk: (thinking) Blahblahblah)
The third and final point is tiny, but he seems a lot like Batman, and when writing superheroes, you want to be as far from established characters' popular traits as possible. Not overly huge, because grappling hooks are practical for superheroes, but why does he need them if he has wings?
Just something to think about.
I liked it overall. Put up a link to the website when you get it up.
EDIT: The way to find the time with the formula is as follows
1. Make a column and put d, vi, vf, a, and t in it
2. The d is the height of the building in meters, the a is the acceleration (which is equal to 9.8 meters per second squared, but just put 9.8), the vi (initial velocity) is 0, the vf (final velocity) isn't needed, and the t (time) is what we're trying to find.
3. The equation is d=vit+1/2at^2. So put the height of the building in for d (say it's 500 meters), the initial velocity (which is 0), the acceleration (9.8), and we have t as what we're trying to find.
4. If you had the building be 500 meters, your equation would be 500=0xt+1/2x9.8xt^2, which would simplify out to 500=4.9t^2. Divide both sides by 4.9 and you get 102.04=t^2. Take the square root of both sides and you get 10.1=t. So, it would take him 10.1 seconds to fall straight down off the building.
Whew. Hope that helped.
Last edited by Fred Duran; 10-24-2006 at 11:05 AM.
|10-24-2006, 01:58 PM||#3|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Thanks for the Crit
Thanks for the crit. Yes now that you mention it, I did overlook the seconds to minutes issue.
I will correct this.
Here is a link to the image of my character and after your statement, I will be losing the wings I think.
Thanks again for the crit...
|10-25-2006, 07:45 PM||#4|
20lbs of crap in 5lb bag.
Join Date: Jul 2006
I like where you're going with this. It has a funny little twist at the end. Is crimson hawk going to be a funny hero, or what?
|10-26-2006, 10:29 AM||#5|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Thanks and info on CH
Thanks for the words.....Yeah Crimson Hawk is a funny hero but not comedic in the sense he is trying to be funny. Things just don't go as smoothly as he would hope. I mean if you really think about it. The ability to throw a batarang 20 feet and hit what you aim for everytime...is just plain crazy. I know I've tried. So Crimson Hawk is the manifestation of what I think a would-be superhero's life would be....yes it is a bit unreal but I am trying to keep him grounded.
Here is a brief overview of the character.
Crimson Hawk - Griffin Hawke is the heir to the Hawke Toy Company. They have been the exclusive toy manufacturer of Super Hero toys for the past 50 years. Griffin's father, Nathan, used proceeds from sales of his toys to assist real life superheroes (like the JLA). An evil villain, seeking to put an end to the superheroes, went after Nathan to disrupt their chain of supply. During the battle, Nathan was killed as were many of the Super Heroes. The last remaining super hero was badly hurt and ultimately unable to continue his fight.
Now 1 year later after the official retirement of the last known superhero, a new, slightly unorthodox superhero emerges. His gadgets appear to be super modified superhero toys that kids would play with.
Hence Griffin Hawke is taking the place of the people his father spent a lifetime supporting.
The cool thing is that he is not really that great at it. Things don't always work the way he expects and the learning curve is steep.
I hope this helps to envision the story behind the story.
|11-05-2006, 07:18 PM||#6|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Hey ... I would love to get any ideas from people about toys that could be potential items employed by Crimson Hawk.
For example...one of his gadgets is a combination of silly string and super glue. He sprays it from his wrist guantlet to secure a door or lock someone in.
stuff like that.
Would love to hear ideas.
|11-06-2006, 06:18 PM||#7|
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Boothwyn, PA
Where does he get those wonderful toys?
Well, some of these may be a bit silly, but they'll give you a starting point for ideas.
Yo-Yo's are always cool. Especially if they have small concussive bombs attached at the end. They can be thrown, dangled, wrapped around someone, etc.
Action figures are always cool too. Expecially if they can be brought to life with some sort of "Super Power Action!"
Of course, no action figure would be complete without a "Power Action" vehicle! Check out the old Kenner Super Powers toy line. It's a gold mine of gimmicks and ideas. Check out: http://toyotter.com/sp/ for some cool ideas.
Slinky, slinky, it's a magnetically-powered toy! Good for opening locks, disarming thugs, and conducting electricity!
Hope this helps.
|11-07-2006, 06:05 AM||#9|
Shan "Bruce" Lee
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Behind you
I liked it, but I have a few suggestions:
The time captions aren't really necessary. The story would work just as well without them.
Hawk's captions should be distinguished between dialogue and thought. The way it is now, it looks like he's saying all of that. If I'm wrong, I appaulogize, but it seems like "Hand grenades and horseshoes" and "Give me a break!" are the only two lines he actually says out loud. The rest should be marked as thought captions.
And there are a few places (page 3) where the dialogue is standard lower case, and then everywhere else it's in all caps. You should fix that.
If I said something you don't like you're welcome to get even.
|11-07-2006, 01:33 PM||#10|
Join Date: Oct 2006
I have to say over all I like it. I can see the similarities between your character and Batman but I could say the same thing about many other characters. I like the small twists it seems you are taking with him and he looks like he could be a fun character to read about. I am interested to see what it looks like when it is a finished product.