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Old 10-20-2018, 08:45 AM   #16
pandayboss
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan Henry View Post
Here's an idea -- Writers, post your best one-page stories here. A while ago, CHWolf suggested posting one-pagers that seem like part of a bigger comic. If that's your thing, go for it. But self-contained stories are cool too!

3
2
1

Go!



“NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP”

a horror story in one page

Script by Evan Henry

1- Establishing shot. The bedroom of a five-year-old boy at nighttime. The child (for purposes of dialogue we’ll call him BOBBY) lies on his bed under the covers as his MOTHER bends down to kiss him good night. Seen around the room are the various artifacts you would see in the bedroom of a small child -- toys, stuffed animals, etc. A window (partially closed off by drapes) is visible on the far side of the room from our POV, and through the window we see that it is night. The full moon is also partially visible.

MOTHER: GOOD NIGHT, BOBBY. MOMMY LOVES YOU.

2- His MOTHER is now visible standing in the doorway. She has just turned off the overhead light in the bedroom, and now the only light visible is pouring in from the door. She is looking in on BOBBY, who is visible in the left-hand foreground, his eyes closed. He is feigning sleep.

MOTHER: I’LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING. DON’T LET THE BED BUGS BITE.

3- Same shot as the last panel, except now the door has been closed and the only light is coming from the moon, streaming in from the window. BOBBY’s eyes are now wide open.

NO COPY.

4- View from outside the bedroom window, with a barren tree branch protruding into our frame of view. Inside, BOBBY has sat up in bed, now sitting on his knees with his hands clasped together and his eyes closed in a classic praying pose.

BOBBY: NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP…

5- Closer in as BOBBY continues praying. The panes of the window are now in the immediate foreground.

BOBBY: …I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP…

6- Closer still. Now a close shot of BOBBY, still kneeling and still praying.

BOBBY: …IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE…

7- Small panel. Close-up on BOBBY’s mouth, smiling a wicked smile with a mouth full of razor-sharp fangs.

BOBBY: I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.


29 Jan ‘11
Awesome! I've come across something close to this story which I pencilled a long time ago for an entry to DWP anthology.
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Old 10-20-2018, 08:47 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graveyard Dog View Post
I was converting my blog to script format and sort of fizzled out for the night. Decided to toss in a one-pager just to get away from my big projects for a bit.

Brand new to this so feel free to critique anything about it - would love to have some feedback.


Pistol Packing Granny

One Page Short

Author: Unknown
As re-told by The Graveyard Dog

Scenario: A police officer has initiated a traffic stop and finds an elderly lady behind the wheel. The officer soon finds out that there is no such thing as a ‘routine’ traffic stop.

Panel One: A long shot establishing the scene of an elderly lady behind the wheel of a larger, out-of-date car. There is a patrol car behind her with the lights activated. The police officer is approaching the elderly lady’s door. The elderly lady is digging through her purse in order to get her papers ready for the cop.

OFFICER: (Thought) Greeeeaaaaaaat… a blue hair. I hate stopping older drivers…

Panel Two: A medium shot focusing on the officer standing along side the door of the lady’s car. The lady has retrieved her wallet which stands open for the officer to see as he begins to address her.

OFFICER: Hello, Ma’am. Can I see your drivers license, registration, proof of –

Panel Three: We focus on the face of the officer who is obviously - surprised? Alarmed? Perhaps a little of both. As he points towards the wallet of the elderly lady.

OFFICER: WAIT! Is that a concealed carry permit?!?!

Panel Four: Returning to a medium shot of the officer standing alongside the lady’s window as the two converse.

ELDERLY LADY: Yes it is, officer. I have a .45 in the glove box, a 9 mil under my seat and a .38 strapped to my ankle.

Panel Five: A medium shot of the two, focusing on the reaction of the officer as he inquires about the old ladies need for the weapons.

OFFICER: Wow – that is a lot of firepower. Tell me, Granny… just what are you so afraid of?

Panel Six: A medium shot of the lady and the officer conversing, however this time we focus on the elderly lady’s face. There is a twinkle in her eye and a mischievous grin across her mouth.

ELDERLY LADY: Truthfully, sonny – NOT A GOD-DAMNED THING!
That's a cool story and a bit funny too. Really good. As an artist, while reading this, I cane picture the panel layout in my head. Good work!
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Old 10-30-2018, 04:04 AM   #18
DarkOra
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Overall, a fun little talking heads piece. There are some things that could be done to punch it up and add some more clarity for the artist as well as tighten up some of the dialogue (see the notes below), but it's a pretty decent one-pager.

And if anyone else would like some feedback on their one page stories let me know, and I'll see if I can get to some throughout the week. I started off with this one since Graveyard Dog mentioned feedback in the post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graveyard Dog View Post
Scenario: A police officer has initiated a traffic stop and finds an elderly lady behind the wheel. The officer soon finds out that there is no such thing as a ‘routine’ traffic stop.
There's no real need for a scenario for comic book pages. Generally, you'd save space like this at the top for special notes or in the case of short stories, character descriptions since the artist wouldn't always have a bible to work from.

Quote:
Panel One: A long shot establishing the scene of an elderly lady behind the wheel of a larger, out-of-date car. There is a patrol car behind her with the lights activated. The police officer is approaching the elderly lady’s door. The elderly lady is digging through her purse in order to get her papers ready for the cop.

OFFICER: (Thought) Greeeeaaaaaaat… a blue hair. I hate stopping older drivers…
Technically, there's a lot left open in this one panel. If you think about what the artist has to draw... they have to have an angle where you can see the larger car, see the police car, see the police officer approaching, AND see the elderly lady inside the car getting her papers ready. It does give the artist flexibility, but the artist can also fall into a spiral trying to figure out the best way to do it. "If I go from the passenger side, I can see inside the window as the lady reaches for papers and show the officer approaching through the windows with the patrol car parked behind. Or, I could go from a higher dynamic angle looking down into the front windshield to show her reaching for the papers and then stretch the panel taller to get the patrol car in the scene even though that won't leave as much room for the other five panels." And I can think of at least two other ways of presenting the scene.

Since the next panel has them talking through the window, you could compress this and give the artist a little more direction to help speed up their process with something as simple as, "In the front seat of her car, an ELDERLY LADY reaches for her registration papers as patrol car lights flash in her rear-view mirror. In the side mirror, a POLICE OFFICER approaches."

The artist will always have the option to change it around if they see a better way, but if it gets to be crunch time, thinking the panel description through like this can help artists speed through by limiting things to a couple options for how to draw the scene instead of four or five.

I also recommend uppercasing the characters in a scene (and any important items to be drawn). It's not a requirement, but it does make it a little easier for the artist to quickly review the scene to see what characters are interacting.

The dialogue could also be tightened up. With blue hair reference, you don't really need to mention the driver is older. "Great. Why'd it have to be a blue hair?"

Quote:
Panel Two: A medium shot focusing on the officer standing along side the door of the lady’s car. The lady has retrieved her wallet which stands open for the officer to see as he begins to address her.

OFFICER: Hello, Ma’am. Can I see your drivers license, registration, proof of –
Nitpicky, but most officers will start with, "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" This works for moving things along though since it is a one page story.

Quote:
Panel Three: We focus on the face of the officer who is obviously - surprised? Alarmed? Perhaps a little of both. As he points towards the wallet of the elderly lady.

OFFICER: WAIT! Is that a concealed carry permit?!?!
Clarity for the artist is always a good plan. Nail down an expression and run with it (a mixture of surprise and alarm could be described as shocked). Most artists will get the idea and run with it, but there are some who draw what they read (and might try to draw a half-surprised/half-alarmed face or come back with questions). Also note, you're telling the artist to focus on the officer's face AND show him pointing at the wallet. When focus is used, an artist will usually zoom in on what's specified. It sounds like you want the scene to be facing the officer to see his expression as he points and not zoomed in on his face.

Quote:
Panel Four: Returning to a medium shot of the officer standing alongside the lady’s window as the two converse.

ELDERLY LADY: Yes it is, officer. I have a .45 in the glove box, a 9 mil under my seat and a .38 strapped to my ankle.
Usually better to show instead of tell. Imagine the scene if the glove box were open, a gun case was shown on the floor pulled out partway from under the seat, and the lady lifting the hem of her dress or pant leg to show off the gun on the ankle.

Quote:
Panel Five: A medium shot of the two, focusing on the reaction of the officer as he inquires about the old ladies need for the weapons.

OFFICER: Wow – that is a lot of firepower. Tell me, Granny… just what are you so afraid of?
An officer probably wouldn't refer to an older lady as "Granny" (imagine the drama if the person the officer pulled over lost her children and never became a grandma). Also, as a person who grew up with Beverly Hillbillies reruns on TV, Granny made me picture one specific Granny (and if the artist didn't draw that specific person, it might pull people like me from the story). Not really a specific critique with that last part... just older people (like me) problems.

Quote:
Panel Six: A medium shot of the lady and the officer conversing, however this time we focus on the elderly lady’s face. There is a twinkle in her eye and a mischievous grin across her mouth.

ELDERLY LADY: Truthfully, sonny – NOT A GOD-DAMNED THING!
Again, having the artist focus on something while also asking them to draw something from a wider frame. Something to keep in mind when writing scripts.
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