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Old 10-12-2006, 04:27 PM   #1
Static
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page for critique

Here's an activity I've taken from the fourm and Im looking for some feed back.
Later 4 now and thanks

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Old 10-13-2006, 09:12 AM   #2
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This is a tricky page, and one that I never worked out for myself when I was trying the exercise. So take anything I say with a grain of salt.

The biggest problem comes in the flow. If your eye follows the balloons, you're going to read from Panel 1 to Panel 2 to Panel 3 to Panel 4 to Panel 6. After that, you might just realize you missed Panel 5 completely. I think you need the last balloon of panel 4 to cheat out to the left a little more to draw the eye over to that panel.

Also, speaking of panel 5: The first balloon forms a tangent with the border of the first panel. And there's too much white space in there.

I'm not sure if this is a personal preference these days or a space-saving thing, but try not stacking your balloons up one on top of the other. Stagger them a little. It's OK to have them touching, but give it a little visual interest by pushing them left and right of each other, if you know what I mean. You're doing that to a small degree on this sample page, but try pushing it out even further to see how it looks.

Hope that helps!

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Old 10-13-2006, 10:17 AM   #3
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Aug's points are on. Here's a few more.

1. Your stroke is too big...drop it to .75 or so and you'll find it just looks better.

2. The top balloon in panel 4 is up against the bottom of panel 1. This is going to cause a trouble in printing called a "Moire" that basically looks like ass. Move it off the boarder.

3. On the same panel, you're haven't the character's knuck speak. with a bit of rearangement, you'll be able to move the top balloon down and the bottom balloon up. It can be done.

4. Panel 1, get the balloon off the edge of the chain...moire problems again.

5. In panel 2, you have the top balloon to the right of the second one. This can be done for reason, but in this case there isn't one...move it to the left.

6. Panel 3...okay, this is a toughie, but the first speech complex looks wrong with the tail coming off the top like that. I don't remember how I did it in the book, but I think (think!) I flushed the first balloon to the top and shifted the second balloon up so it could come off the bottom. As you have it, it doesn't make her look so much pissed as confused. Again, this is a really tough panel.

7. Panel 5: You broke the boarder nicely, but this makes panel 3 be the lead in. This is definately one place not to break the panel. Also, by making sure the balloons in panel 4 are stacked with the top balloon left of the bottom balloon it'll help lead the eye in the right direction.

With luck, all that helps.
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Old 10-13-2006, 11:14 AM   #4
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The only other thing I'd add to Kep and Augie is watch where your tails are pointing. They should have a natural flow to the speaker's mouth in most cases. Here they're going to the hand, top of the head, chin, etc.

Also, if I remember correctly, I believe you forgot the caption in the last panel.
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Old 10-13-2006, 11:33 AM   #5
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thanks for the input guys this page was a tricky mother trucker.
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Old 10-13-2006, 01:38 PM   #6
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i'll redo page later and hopefully have it up sometime 2nite
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