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Old 05-26-2017, 04:33 PM   #1
JettingJill
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Haacs

This is a script I've been working on, one of the few I've managed to finish. Any advice or critques would be appreciated. What's good about it/ What could be better?

***
HAACS
ISSUE #1

Panel 1: Shows the outside of a shipping store—like UPS. A “Help Wanted” sign is in the window.
CAPTION: Henderson, Nevada
VOICE (INSIDE THE STORE): Your resumé looks… impressive—

Panel 2: Inside an office in the store—focus on a neatly dressed man or woman (doesn’t matter which) at a desk. He/she is looking at a piece of paper, clearly interviewing someone, and seems hesitant about it. Also, he/she should have glasses so they can nervously adjust them.
INTERVIEWER: —But the notes about your previous employment concern me.

Panel 3: Side view, zoomed out to show the interview-ee across from the interviewer. The interview-ee is a skinny woman with shoulder-length hair, slouching in her seat with her arms folded. She looks bored and mildly frustrated, likes she’s been through this process too many times. Her name is SARA.
INTERVIEWER: In all your prior situations, you list your reason for leaving as “labor disputes.” Could you elaborate on that?

Panel 4: Shot of Sara’s head and torso. She lacks any enthusiasm as she answers the question.
SARA: My coworkers were whiny babies.

Panel 5: Same side-view shot again.
INTERVIEWER: …Pardon?
SARA: I did my job too well. It made my coworkers feel threatened. They’d complain to the union, or the media, and make a fuss until the management got rid of me. Bunch of jerks.

Panel 6: The interviewer adjusts his/her glasses nervously, holding Sara’s resume closer to his/her face. He/she looks disconcerted by this information.
INTERVIEWER: I…see. I also notice that your previous jobs were mostly entry-level manual labor.
SARA (off-panel): Yep.

Panel 7:
INTERVIEWER: Yet your listed salaries are two or three times the minimum wage.
SARA: Like I said, I was good at my job. I asked for more money. The management still saved money by taking me on.

Panel 8: The interviewer has set the paper down and is giving Sara a skeptical look over the top of his/her glasses.
INTERVIEWER: Miss Raske, I’ll be honest—this interview is more of a courtesy than anything. Your claims are too outrageous for me to put any stock in.

Panel 9: Interviewer points to a part of the resume.
INTERVIEWER: Look at the “Special Abilities” portion. Do you really expect me to believe you can unload a full semitruck in fifteen minutes?!
SARA: Actually, I lied about that one.

Panel 10: Possibly a shot facing the interviewer, with Sara in the shot with her back toward us. The interviewer looks mildly triumphant.
INTERVIEWER: Ah! So you admit—
SARA: I can do it ten.

Panel 11: The interviewer looks flabbergasted. Sara shrugs, acting like it’s nothing.
SARA: --But that seemed a little unbelievable, so I padded my estimate.

Panel 12: The interviewer rubs his/her forehead in exasperation.
INTERVIEWER: Miss Raske…

Panel 13:
INTERVIEWER: Do you take me for a fool?

Panel 14: Sara gives him an “I’m not going to say what I’m really thinking” look, biting her cheek.

Panel 15: Same POV as the previous panel. Sara jabs her thumb toward the back of the store (the reader’s right).
SARA: That truck I saw outside—it’s incoming, right? Needs to be unpacked?

Panel 16: Side-view of the Interviewer’s desk. The interviewer is still seated, but Sara’s chair is now empty—speed lines move from it to the right side of the panel, indicating she’s left at great speed.
INTERVIEWER: What does that—?
SFX: Fwp

Panel 17: The interviewer stares at Sara’s now-empty chair in shock—wasn’t there just a person there? Where’d she go? Sound effects from outside the office indicate something is going on outside. (You have artistic liberty with the sound effects—these are just suggestions. Make them seem loud, but not violently loud—nothing is getting damaged or roughly-treated)
SFX: Thunk, bump, bang, tmp

Panel 18: The interviewer stands in the loading-bay doorway, having followed the signs. He/she gapes, awestruck at what is front of him/her (which we don’t see yet.) The sound effects continue.
SFX: Bang, thump, bang

Panel 19: Pull back, so we can see what the interviewer sees. There’s an open truck, with several large piles of boxes stacked a few yards away from it. Speed lines are everywhere—perhaps we see afterimages of Sara dropping boxes on stacks. Still with the sound effects.
SFX: Tnk, thunk, bam, thump

Panel 20: Sara comes to a stop next to one stack, leaning on it, supporting herself with her elbow.
SARA: I’m a fast worker.

Panel 21: Scene change: Outside a boxing ring, with hordes of people crowding into it.
CAPTION: Dallas, Texas

Panel 22: Inside a training room. Close on a boxer hitting a punching bag. He and the punching bag take up most of the shot; we barely see anything of the room beyond. We don’t even see the boxer’s whole body. He’s a big brute: heavy-built, insanely muscled, would tower over any normal person. He snarls as he slams the punching bag with all he’s got; it buckles under the force.

Panel 23: Pulled back, so we see more of the training room. The boxer slams the punching bag with his other hand. A trainer comes in through the doorway.
TRAINER: Five minutes, Blake—you ready for this?

Panel 24: The fighter—BLAKE—slams his fists together. He’s so ready for this. The trainer is next to him now, and slaps his shoulder.
BLAKE: I was born ready!
TRAINER: That’s the spirit!

Panel 25: Blake prepares to enter the ring—putting on boxing gloves and that decorative robe boxers wear. His trainer is in the close background while he does this, talking him up.
TRAINER: Are you gonna throw in the towel?
BLAKE: No way!
TRAINER: Are you gonna pull your punches?!
BLAKE: Not a chance!!

Panel 26: The trainer faces Blake sternly, looking him in the eye—which is hard, because Blake is at least six inches taller than he is. The trainer still looks authoritative despite that. Blake grits his teeth and holds up a gloved fist.
TRAINER: Are you gonna let pain slow you down?
BLAKE: Pain is for losers.

Panel 27: The trainer grins roguishly and points at him—with the “Ayyy” gesture that the Fonz uses. Blake is practically frothing at the mouth, he’s so pumped up.
TRAINER: And you are not a loser.
BLAKE: I’m A CHAMPION!!!!

Panel 28: The trainer walks with Blake to the ring entrance.
TRAINER: That’s right! Now get out there and dominate!

Panel 29: Rear view of Blake silhouetted against the ring entrance. Light and the raucous cheers of the audience greet him. He stands tall and determined against the noise.
SFX: *Cheering from the audience. Represent it however you want.*

Panel 30: Pan shot of the stadium, getting a good look at the rowdy audience. Some hold signs.
ANNOUNCER: LLLLADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR IS HERE--!!

Panel 31: Blake in his corner, glaring across the ring. So determined. His trainer is next to him, eyeing the competition. The announcer is introducing his competitor. Note that Blake is THINKING, so his words should be in thought bubbles. Also, if possible, there should be a few sound effects to indicate the noise of the crowd. These should continue throughout the fight until panel 36, to make the silence in that panel more noticeable.
ANNOUNCER(off-panel): --AT 6’10” AND 230 POUNDS, UP AND COMING HARD-HITTER, JAKE THE RIPPER—
BLAKE [THINKING]: No mercy…

Panel 32: Close on Blake as his trainer removes his robe and the announcer introduces him. Still with the crowd noises.
ANNOUNCER: --AND IN THIS CORNER, MAKING HIS BOXING DEBUT, THE 7-FOOT, 250-POUND GIANT, GIDEON “THE BEAR” BLAKE!!!”
BLAKE[THINKING]: No mercy… no mercy…

Panel 33: Blake and his opponent stand in their corners, as the referee blows the start whistle. Crowd noises.
BLAKE[THINKING]: No mercy…
SFX: FWEET!!

Panel 34: Blake and his opponent launch themselves at each other. Blake punches his opponent’s face—the guy’s head is snapped back, his body stopping in midair as Blake’s fist arrests his forward movement.
BLAKE: NO MERCY!!!!!

Panel 36: The opponent flies through the ropes, snapping them.

Panel 37: Blake stands in the ring in the ready stance. His opponent is splayed on the floor outside the ring, his neck twisted at an unnatural angle. There should be some blood coming from his face. There are a few sounds from the crowd, but fewer than there were before as they take in the carnage.

Panel 38: Medics kneel by the opponent. Blake’s trainer leans over the ropes of the ring, looking shocked as he stares at the injured man. Blake stands on the side of the ring. He looks completely unfazed by this.

Panel 39: Close-up of Blake, so we can better see his expression—not remorseful, not horrified, not even joyful, just determined.
BLAKE[THINKING]: No mercy.

Panel 40: Scene change—an outside view of a giant movie studio.
CAPTION: Hollywood, California

Panel 41: A man rides a motorcycle down a road. A film crew and filming paraphernalia is barely visible in the panel, but the focus is on the motorcycle guy He wears a leather jacket, but no helmet—his face is completely visible. He’s muscular and attractive—your typical action-movie male star.

Panel I-X: In as many panels as needed, another rider is shown chasing the movie star. The second rider takes out a gun and shoots at the movie star. The star swerves to avoid the bullets, but one (supposedly) hits him and he wipes out. He and the bike tumble along the ground until he comes to a stop, lying in a motionless and tattered heap on the ground.\

Panel 42: Shows the star in his post-crash state. Off-panel, the director yells.
DIRECTOR (OFF-PANEL): Aaaaand cut!

Panel 43: Crew people come onto the set, getting it ready for the next shot. In the background, the second biker gets off his bike. The director approaches the star, who’s still lying on the ground.
DIRECTOR: Get Myers ready for the next scene!
STAR: Owwwww….

Panel 44: The director looks down on the star—enthusiastic and completely unconcerned about his obvious injuries. The “star”—actually a stuntman named Dane—doesn’t move as he talks.
DIRECTOR: Good work, Dane! Take five while we shoot the next scene.
DANE: Okay… Give me a sec.

Panel 45: Looking down on Dane from above. He pushes himself up. There’s some nasty road rash on his face.
DANE: Ugh…

Panel 46: Dane walks off the set, rubbing his neck—he’s really sore.

Panel 47: Off-set, Dane walks by a man dressed in the same costume as him—the real movie star. He looks identical to Dane, except without the road rash on his face. A woman is touching up his make-up. The movie star stands tall and smug, while Dane is slumped with exhaustion.
VOICE (OFF-PANEL): Myers! We’re shooting.

Panel 48: The movie star—Myers—pats Dane’s shoulder as he goes to get on-set. He doesn’t look at Dane while he talks, though—it’s like the generic pat-on-the-back a boss sometimes gives to random employees to keep up morale.
MYERS: Great job, Dane. You’re the best stunt man I’ve ever had!
DANE: Thanks…

Panel 49-52: In a series of three (or four, if necessary) narrow panels set together, we see Dane stretch like he’s tired. As he does so, his muscles shift, he gets shorter, and his injuries close up. By the third panel, he looks completely different—an average joe instead of a handsome movie star.

Panel 53: Dane—now in his real form—looks out at the set (facing the reader) with an expression of longing. HE wants to be the one on the set, the star of the movie, but he knows it won’t happen. He’s been trying to make it happen for years and he just can’t.

Panel 54: Scene shift—the center of downtown in a New-York-type city. Shows the outside of a bank from a high vantage point. Several police cars are outside, and officers are outside the cars, indicating there’s a situation going on.
CAPTION: Chicago, Illinois

Panel 55: One of the cops—the head officer on the scene—talks to the cop next to him as they hunker behind a car door.
OFFICER: What’s the situation?
INFO-OFFICER: There’s three suspects—all armed, as far we can tell. They’ve holed up behind the teller’s counter; we can’t get to them without getting filled with lead. And they’ve got hostages.

Panel 56: The officer looks grim.
OFFICER: Crap…

Panel 57: The Info-officer is timid as he offers up a suggestion. The head officer barks a reply; clearly, a nerve has been touched.
INFO-OFFICER: Sir? I know you don’t like using her, but this seems like a job for—
OFFICER: NO!
OFFICER: We solved problems like this before she came on the force, we can do it now!

Panel 58: The officer looks toward the building, determined. In the background, a siren suddenly becomes audible, growing louder (this can be indicated by having the SFX text starting out small and growing larger).
OFFICER: Get a negotiator here. We need more info on the building layout—vents, entrances—
SFX: Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo…

Panel 59: The head officer and the info officer turn to see the source of the approaching noise. The head officer grimaces—he knows who’s coming. The siren grows louder (meaning the text gets bigger).
SFX: Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee-oo…

Panel 60: Another squad car comes screeching onto the scene, sliding to a stop just behind the barricade. Its siren is going full blast.
SFX: WEE-oo-WEE-oo-WEE-oo—

Panel 61: Low shot, so we just see the tires of the new car and the lower part of the door as it opens and someone steps out—a leg encased in trousers and standard police footwear. The siren cuts off.
SFX: WEE-oo-WEE-oo-Wee— *click*

Panel 62: Rear view of the person from the car—her name is Dacier, but that won’t be revealed to the reader until later—as she swaggers up to the other officers. We don’t see her face—we might not even see her head.
DACIER: Need my help, boys?
OFFICER: We’ve got this under control—

Panel 63: Dacier pushes past them beyond the barricade. We still don’t see her face.
DACIER: Yeah, whatever. Step aside.

Panel 64: Cut to inside the bank. Two armed robbers (draw them however you want) are crouched behind a long teller’s desk. One of them (ROBBER #2) peers around the corner to see the door.
ROBBER #1: What’s going on?
ROBBER #2: Another car just pulled up… Don’t know who—
ROBBER #2: Wait, someone’s coming to the door.

Panel 65: The bank’s double doors are thrown open dramatically—a female figure is silhouetted against the light..
SFX: BANG!

Panel 66: Back to the robbers. They’ve got their guns ready, aimed at the approaching figure.
ROBBER #1: Stay back, or someone dies!

Panel 67: Close on a pair of feminine lips twitching in amusement.

Panel 68: The lips form a confident sneer.
DACIER: Heh…
DACIER: That’s cute.

Panel 69: Switch to a scene farther inside the bank, where a group of civilians huddle in fear, guarded by a robber. Off-panel, there’s a gunshot.
SFX: Bang!

Panel 70: Same view. All is silent.

Panel 71: Same view, but more gunshots echo from off-panel. The SFX vary in size and intensity to add to the feeling of confusion and chaos.
ROBBER #3: What the--?!
SFX: Bang! Bang Bang bang! Bang!

Panel 72: Two loud gunshots come from off-panel—the SFX text appearance suggests they’re from another gun.
SFX: POW! POW!

Panel 73: Silence again. The robber goes to the door and peers out—

Panel 74: The robber falls backward as he’s shot.
SFX: POW!

Panel 75: The hostages cower back as someone steps into the room—we only see her shoulder and maybe the side of her head, from behind.
DACIER: Have no fear, citizens—

Panel 76: A front shot of Dacier—finally we see her face. It’s a nearly-full-body shot from a low vantage point, like we’re the hostages looking up at her. Her clothes are riddled with bullet holes, but there’s no blood and she seems unharmed. She’s holding a smoking gun, in the process of holstering it. She has a smug look on her face, like “I’m awesome and I know it.”
DACIER: —Cassandra Dacier has saved the day once again.

Panel 77: Outside the bank—the other police officers are moving in to secure the bank.

Panel 78: Focus on the head officer from before. He rubs his forehead like he’s getting a headache. His expression is annoyed—he’s clearly not a fan of Cassandra Dacier.
OFFICER: Every freakin’ time…

Panel 79: Black panel.
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Old 05-26-2017, 04:35 PM   #2
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HAACS--cont.

Panel 80: The following panels explaining HAACs show shots of different HAACS throughout the centuries.
CAPTION: HAACs—
Panel 81:
CAPTION: --“Humans of Above-Average Capabilities.” Super-beings. The latest special-interest group to make itself known.

Panel 82: Two different scenes—one showing Hercules doing one of his Labors, the other of Beowulf in one of his adventures.
CAPTION: HAACs have been around since the dawn of time—the origin of legends like Hercules and Beowulf. So rare that they were thought to be myth.
CAPTION: But the last two centuries changed that.

Panel 83: Big panel. A collage of scenes showing HAACS throughout the last two centuries. A HAAC working in a 19th-century factory, lifting heavy machinery all by herself. A soldier on a WWI battlefield, casting a force-field around his fellow soldiers. A modern-day citizen in a flower shop, making the plants bloom and flourish with a snap of his fingers. Scenes demonstrating that HAACs have been active in society for a while.
CAPTION: Since the Industrial Revolution, their numbers have risen exponentially.

CAPTION: Some people blame pollutants in the environment. Some blame genetic engineering. Whatever the reason, there are more HAACs now than there have ever been in the past. Enough that scientists can’t deny their existence any longer.

Panel 84: A recruiting-poster-type of picture, depicting an artistic representation of several HAACs posing heroically in a group.
CAPTION: And neither can we.

Panel 85: Pull back to show a business-suited man in front of a presentation screen. The recruiting poster is being projected on the screen. Clearly he’s giving some kind of pitch or report.
MAN: The existence of HAACs was confirmed decades ago and we have yet to avail ourselves of the advantage they provide.

Panel 86:
MAN: For years, we’ve relied on technology to give us a competitive edge, while ignoring what nature has already provided. It’s time to remedy this.

Panel 87: From the Man’s POV—a group of business-suited men sitting at a table, facing him. They’re who he’s been talking to.
EXEC #1: And what exactly does your “remedy” consist of, Mr. Wardin?

Panel 88: Side-view headshot of the man—Wardin.
WARDIN: Simple: recruit HAACs as personnel.
WARDIN: A team of trained HAACs with specific abilities could perform the same missions as our elite field teams, while being considerably less expensive to equip. They could accomplish things that are impossible with even our most advanced tech.

Panel 89: Close up of one of the executives, looking skeptical.
EXEC #2: They could—but at the cost of reliability. There’s a reason we focus on technology, Mr. Wardin. Machines produce uniform results…and they’re far easier to control than people.

Panel 90: Shot of Wardin.
WARDIN: You’d be surprised.

Panel 91:
WARDIN: Give me six months, and I’ll put together a team that will make all our other personnel obsolete. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

Panel 92: The business-suit men exchanged contemplative looks.

Panel 93:
EXEC #3: Very well. Six months—if you can impress us by then, we’ll consider extending your project.
EXEC #3: Do you have recruits in mind already?

Panel 94:
WARDIN: I do.
Panel 95: The store from the first panel—Henderson, Nevada. There’s a crowd gathered in front of it—a protest group.
CAPTION: One month later.

Panel 96: Inside the store, the manager nervously addresses Sara. Sara is wearing a polo shirt and name tag, and looks disgusted.
MANAGER: I don’t want to do this, but the protests are really hurting business, and—

Panel 97: Sara rips the name tag off.
SARA: --And I’m fired. Yeah; heard it all before.

Panel 98: Sara tosses the name tag on the desk.
MANAGER: I can give a letter of recommendation if you need one—
SARA: Letters won’t buy my groceries.

Panel 99: Sara stalks away.
SARA: Douchebag.

Panel 100: Sara exits the store. A man with a megaphone is in front, addressing the crowd. They wield signs that read “HACKS GO HOME,” “Stop stealing our jobs,” and similar phrases.
PROTEST LEADER: --hiring super-powered scabs to cut expenses! They could open up ten new jobs if they got rid of that HAAC. Ten jobs! But they care more about their bottom line than the livelihood of the community—

Panel 101: Sara rushes up to the protester and snatches the megaphone—indicate speed with speed lines.

Panel 102:
SARA: You win, you entitled fascists! They fired me—you can quit protesting now and get a life!

Panel 103: Sara vanishes—speed lines indicate her departure.

Panel 104:
PROTEST LEADER: Hey! She took my megaphone!

Panel 105: The protest leader ducks as the megaphone comes flying at him, smashing against the ground.
SFX: SMASH!

Panel 106: Close on Sara as she runs. She wears a deep scowl. Lines radiate from her, indicating her speed. The outside world is nothing but a blur.
SARA (thoughts): I work my butt off for them and they fire me. Throw me under the bus ‘cause they can’t take a little bad press.

Panel 107: Sara running down the street—now SHE’s the blur. We see her as passerby would see her. Some passerby may look shocked as they get caught in her backdraft.
SARA: Sure, it’s the HAAC’s fault you can’t get a job. Get rid of her. Never mind that I’ve got bills to pay, too; never mind that I have a sky-metabolism that could starve me to death—

Panel 108: Sara skids to a stop in front of a crappy apartment building.
SARA: Why do they deserve work more than I do?

Panel 109: Sara stomps into the apartment building. A grizzled old lady pokes her head out as she walks by.
LANDLADY: Raske! Your rent’s late again! If I don’t get it by tomorrow, I’m changing the locks!
RASKE: Yeah, yeah!

Panel 110: Sara stops in surprise at the landlady’s words.
LANDLADY: And you got mail!

Panel 111: Sara zips back to the landlady, who shoves a large manilla envelope at her.
SARA: Mail?
LANDLADY: Here. It’s cluttering up my counter.

Panel 112: Sara walks away, eyeing the package with a raised eyebrow.
LANDLADY: And don’t forget that rent!

Panel 113: Sara walks up a set of stairs.
SARA(thought): Who’s sending me mail?

Panel 114: Close on the envelope—it has Sara’s name and address, but no return address.
SARA (thought): No return address…

Panel 115: Sara enters her apartment—a run-down one-room. There’s a mattress in the corner, a small dresser beside it, and the rest of the room is filled with food--enough to feed a small army.

Panel 116: Sara plops down on the mattress, ripping open a box of cereal with her teeth.
SARA (thought): If it’s junk mail, I’m gonna break something.

Panel 117: She removes a letter from the envelope.
LETTER: Ms. Sara Raske:
I represent a small private firm looking to recruit people with special abilities. Your talents—and the publicity they’ve garnered—have caught our attention. I’d like to offer you an opportunity to join our program. The position will provide challenges, special benefits, and lucrative rewards.
If interested, please join us at 1607 Jefferson Blvd, Portland, Oregon, 97219, at exactly 12:00pm on August the 13th. The enclosed check should cover any travel expenses.

Panel 118:
SARA (thought): “Lucrative employment opportunity?” “enclosed check?” This has to be be a scam.

Panel 119: Sara looks around her crummy apartment. It's REALLY crummy.

Panel 120: Sara frowns at the letter.
SARA(thought): Then again…

Panel 121: Close on the bottom of the letter—the address and signature.
SARA: …What have I got to lose?
LETTER: I look forward to seeing you there.
Jeff Wardin

Panel 123: Scene change—Portland airport.

Panel 124: Sara stands outside the airport with a backpack and a map.
SARA: I can’t believe I’m doing this…

Panel 125: Close on the map of Portland—she’s circled the address.
SARA: But the check cleared, so…

Panel 126: Sara rolls up the map.

Panel 127: Sara zips away, her backdraft scattering papers and startling other travelers.

Panel 128: Sara arrives in front of a non-descript office building—smallish. The sign out front says “This Space for Rent.”

Panel 129: Sara starts to open the door.

Panel 130: Sara jumps back in surprise as a bodyguard-looking guy opens the door from the inside. He’s got sunglasses and an earpiece.
BODYGUARD: Sara Raske?

Panel 131:
SARA: Um…yeah?

Panel 133: The bodyguard motions her in.
BODYGUARD: Follow me.

Panel 134: Sara follows him down the hall.
SARA (thought): Weirder and weirder…

Panel 135: The bodyguard opens the door to a meeting room for her.
WARDIN: (off panel): Ms. Raske. You’re early.

Panel 136: From Sara’s POV—a meeting room with a table and five chairs. Wardin stand at the front of the table; Dane and Blake are already seated. They each have a packet in front of them.
WARDIN: Have a seat—we’ll get started shortly.

Panel 137: Sara sits down. She looks suspicious.
SARA: Started on what?

Panel 138: Close on Wardin, smiling cryptically.
WARDIN: The opportunity of a lifetime.

END
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Old 05-27-2017, 09:24 PM   #3
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We've got some new blood, people!

Does anyone want to take a look at this before me?

Let's try to be helpful. It might help to eat something first. Let's not be hangry.

Who's first?

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Old 05-30-2017, 10:27 PM   #4
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Hi and welcome! Ok so I went through this pretty quickly and the first thing that I noticed was that it reads very much like a treatment for a screenplay with comic script elements added in. You definitely have at least one to two issues worth of material depending on how you break it down. If a comic page (averaging on the high side) has six panels per page, this would equal 23 pages of comic. But then that doesn't include things like the extra scene with the Dane performing his chase scene (Panel I-X). You have a lot of the scripting basics down. You definitely could have a good story here. I would suggest checking out some other scripts and seeing how they break the story/action down into smaller, page-by-page chucks. Look for things like how a page turn is set up and how to avoid moving panels. Also (last one I swear) take some time to browse the ComixTribe "Bolts & Nuts" articles in their hosted forum here on DW. It's full of gobs of juicy info. I hope this helps and I hope you keep posting here.

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Old 05-30-2017, 11:10 PM   #5
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Panel 71?

Maybe break it down into pages roughly.
So there is like 3 - 6 panels each page.
Give the artist some help with the layouts, pacing, and what panels are (more) important etc

Be a lot easier to follow.
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Old 05-30-2017, 11:13 PM   #6
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One other thihg... lose some unneeded details.
Like panel 33, crowd noises.

But you don't ask for them to be drawn. So why say it?
visualise in your head.
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Old 06-10-2017, 07:43 PM   #7
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Thanks for the feedback, everyone! It's helpful.
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Old 07-06-2017, 10:37 AM   #8
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It seems you are working out a X-men's takeoff.
Regardless, this is a characters introduction. Well made.
A little big too long for comic's pages metric. You are taking 138 panels, plus many insert panels which is almost 28 pages of 5 panels each for this presentation. Good for screenplay. Too long for comics pages timing.
Maybe this should be edited to match 22/24 comics pages.
The three scenes in question are interesting on the way the characters are introduced.
Although the first scene is the weakest.
The first question:
Quote:
INTERVIEWER: In all your prior situations, you list your reason for leaving as “labor disputes.” Could you elaborate on that?
Here: "labor disputes" could be rephrased as: "workplace discrepancies". Which gives room for explanation.
In the real world, if she fills the application with "labor disputes" she wont have an interview ever.
Her answer:
Quote:
Panel 4: Shot of Sara’s head and torso. She lacks any enthusiasm as she answers the question.
SARA: My coworkers were whiny babies.

Panel 5: Same side-view shot again.
INTERVIEWER: …Pardon?
SARA: I did my job too well. It made my coworkers feel threatened. They’d complain to the union, or the media, and make a fuss until the management got rid of me. Bunch of jerks.
This last expression and her explanation alone is mandatory reason for any interviewer to dismiss the candidate and should be placed as last question followed by her inmediate display of extraordinaire skills that ultimately would have her hired.
Sara should be enthusiastic instead having lack of enthusiasm. She is the one in need of the job and she is able to show up why she should be hired. Regardless her awkward resume.
Yes, I would suggest to fully edit the interview scene.
Best.

Last edited by Scribbly; 07-07-2017 at 12:47 PM.
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