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Old 08-17-2017, 08:43 PM   #1
paul brian deberry
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Exclamation Untitled Nazi Smashing story

In an effort to share here is something that might be something about everyone favorite subject smashing Nazi

Here is a bit of the script...

Full page. We start in DC or outside DC... farm country. Night. Cloudy. Maybe raining or was raining. We open on a car driving along an old country road. The car is moving fast. The car is a new soft top Cadillac. Inside the car are two men. One of them is the rich Nazi, future New York senator. Kirby Olson. The car and itís occupants are heading to an old farm house, with a barn. Itís one of Kirbyís safe houses where he holds his Nazi rallies or whatever.

The only text on the page is...

SUNDAY...

This could be four to six pages. Kirby and his driver get to the farm house. The driver waits and Kirby enters a nearby barn. Inside three goons are beating the shit out of some black kid. Kirby walks by, the goons stop, Kirby ignores everything and walks up to his office in the loft. The beating continues.

In the well decorated loft is Kirby right hand man, Albert, talking to an older man, Dr. Samuel and his daughter, Little Molly. Kid is maybe ten. They are both sitting on a love couch.

MY LITTLE ONE. YOU WILL LOVE GERMAN THIS TIME OF THE YEAR. MY NIECE AND NEPHEW WILL BE SO EXCITED TO HAVE A NEW PLAYTHING.

Olson address Albert. The original plan has changed and Olson isnít happy.

WHAT IS GOING ON? WHY ARE THESE TWO HERE? THEY WERE NOT TO BE MOVED UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.

MY APOLOGIES.

Albert hands Olson a note. The note is in braille.

THE NEGRO WAS DISCOVERED WITH IT. ITíS IN ENCRYPTED.

ITíS BRAILLE.

Olson addresses Dr. Samuel.

THIS DISAPPOINTS ME DOCTOR.

Albert removes his glasses. Olson gives him an order.

TAKE THE GOOD DOCTOR TO MY TRAIN IMMEDIATELY.

Samuel stands up and is immediately punched in the stomach.

BOMPH

Olson drops the crumpled note in a nearby bin/floor.

MOLLY WILL REMAIN MY GUEST HERE TIL AFTER THE ELECTION ON TUESDAY.

The goons from downstairs are in the room and drag Doctor Samuel.

Molly is screaming and crying.

Doctor Samuel struggles and punches one of the goons. He is quickly dealt with by the other two.

Olson is rubbing the bridge of his nose, gives Albert a command.

WILL YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT CRYING.

Albert smiles and does something off panel that quiets her.

Page turn...

Four pages? Introduce Raines, itís Tuesday late afternoon, our hero is working the case of a hung young negro. The case unsurprisingly leads Raines to the farm house. He drives up, parks and knocks on the farm houses door. Raines is greeted by a black nanny, the young boys mother. She never opens the screen door.

TUESDAY

YES.

GOOD MORNING MAM. MY NAME IS HAMMOND RAINES AND IíM WITH THE FBI. I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT TIMOTHY FRANKS.

TIMMY WAS MY BOY.

IíM SORRY MAM. YOUíRE AWARE THAT HE WAS... FOUND DEAD.

YES. I KNOW.

Young white boy comes to the door.

NANA, WHO YOU TALKING TO?

Raines answers

IíM WITH THE F --

The clicking of a shotgun hammer gets Raines to turn around. The three goons and a much older man, the goons father is pointing a twin barrel shotgun at Raines.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Raines isnít afraid.

IíM WITH THE FBI AND IíD LIKE A FEW WORDS WITH MS. FRANKS AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY.

The older goon still holding the shotgun.

NANA?

The boy's mother answers.

IíVE ALREADY TOLD THE SHERIFF EVERYTHING. TIMOTHY WAS A TROUBLEMAKER AND I HAVE NO DOUBT, GOT WHAT HE DESERVED.

The older goon holding the shotgun.

NOW MISTER FBI PLEASE GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY.

Raines does as asked and drives down the long dirt road and waits to it gets dark.

Nightfalls and Raines, with an old camera around his neck, makes his way to the property. Snoops around the house. No one around. Comes to a basement door. Itís unlocked. Opens goes in. Itís a Nazi lair. Disgusting display of Nazi propaganda in ever corner. Raines flashes a few photos.

The upstairs door opens.

PA WANTS YOU TO GET THE GIRL AND LOAD HER INTO THE TRUCK.

(CALL FROM OFF PANEL)

WHY ME?

Raines exits the door he entered.

One of the goons walks into the basement room.

BECAUSE THE LITTLE BITCH LIKES YOU AND PA SAID SO!

The goon notices the open door.

Walks up and out to look around. A horn beep distracts him. Raines is a shadow running in the field towards his parked car. Several minutes later the truck with the three goons and Little Molly drive by... Raines a few seconds later follows.

Page turn


Establishing the train station. On the train and around the station is elect Kirby Olson: Best Man for the Job banners. The platform is empty, except for three men and one ten year old kid entering the train.

Inside the train itís a huge victory celebration for newly elected Kirby Olson. In a separate room from the crowd. Albert is there and greets Little Molly and tells the three goons to leave her.

HELLO, MOLLY. IíM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU. I HOPE THESE BUFFOONS TREATED YOU WELL.

Molly is silent. From behind a voice answer.

IíM SURE THEY DID. ALBERT INFORM OUR GUEST WE WILL BE LEAVING THE STATION. IíM SURE MOLLY IS ANXIOUS TO BE WITH HER FATHER.

page turn...
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Old 08-23-2017, 06:03 PM   #2
DarkHalf05
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I read about half of it. I feel it would benefit you to just go the extra mile and actually break it down panel by panel. It's easier to get a sense of your pacing that way.

Even without panels, you have lots of moving actions. As a basic rule of thumb, any time you have the word AND in a panel you are describing two separate things in one action. Doing so the artist will have to decide what they think is best for the story and it might not end up being what you were hoping for. Or they might start asking questions, which will make the story take longer.

The opening page isn't getting me invested. As a reader all I'll see is a car on a road and the day of the week. There isn't anything that is making me want to turn the page. I know you know your story, and you know where it's going. Trying to see it from a readers perspective can be hed when we are so close to it.

Try doing a second draft and breaking this down a bit more. I'd love to see how it turns out.
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Old 08-24-2017, 08:02 PM   #3
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Sure thing, my friend. Thanks.
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Old 10-09-2017, 02:02 AM   #4
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this is sharp and good movement. awesome job pb
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Old 10-20-2017, 09:26 AM   #5
paul brian deberry
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thanks Dario!! You should draw it.
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