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Old 04-18-2014, 07:59 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 173: Ending Up Worse Than Where You Started


Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a Brave One who is no stranger here: Talisha Harrison. We've got in indomitable Samantha LeBas in the punishing purple, I'm in the raging red, and together, we'll all see how Talisha handles



Zuhura #1



A couple of notes before we begin. First, this was in 11 pitch. We know how I feel about that. Second and more importantly, this is not good. It gets extremely rough from here on. You have been warned.





PAGE ONE (Three Panels)



Panel One. Three days ago. Zuhura has been promoted to general as her regiment is given an assignment by the king.(This is not a panel description so much as it is, well, a statement about the context of the image you would like to accompany this dialogue. We’ve got no setting, no information on how the characters are interacting, no idea who else may be in the room, and all that is missing before we ever get to the question of camera placement. What you have written here contains about one atom of important information. You’ve managed to give information that is superflous [three days ago] while not really telling us what anything looks like, but this will be the fluke, right? The rest of your descriptions are actually going to... describe things, right?) We just started, and already, I don't have the words. Here's the thing, Talisha: your very first submission was a terrible, terrible mess. You took what was said, and I saw marked improvement from submission to submission. Then, your previous submission saw some backward movement. This? This first panel is a piece of crap. This cannot be drawn because you haven't given the artist anything to draw. This is reminiscent of your very first submitted script in some ways. In other ways, this is much worse.




KING:

I am proud of you(comma) daughter.

ZUHURA:

Thank you(comma) father.

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