Looking for a critique - a tough page - does this read well?

MartinEJohn · 08-02-2012, 04:41 PM

This was a hard bit of dialogue to sew together. I'm wondering if it reads well. Any critiques or suggestions?

adityab · 08-02-2012, 05:04 PM

Just my 2 cents:

There's a fork after the 2nd balloon, where the reader could go left or right - you need to fix that. (Also, general note, try to avoid tangents like the 1st guy's 3rd balloon and the door frame.) But all in all, I've seen worse.

If I were you, I'd move the first balloon a little lower and to the left, move the 2nd guy's first balloon next to it, move the 1st guy's remaining balloons next to the guy standing behind the sofa (moving 'wait' to the left so it'd be read first), and keep the last balloon where it is.

All this is assuming you don't need 'Chicago, Illinois' to be read first. If you do, I'd say move that to the far left, shift the whole kaboodle a bit to the right (and maybe stack the location caption into two lines to give yourself more space to work with, but that'd be a last resort).

MartinEJohn · 08-02-2012, 05:07 PM

Thanks for the feedback Adiytab. It is most definitely helpful.

MartinEJohn · 08-02-2012, 05:27 PM

Here is an updated version. I moved everything around and I think it reads better.

But is it as good as it gets?

Comics Commando · 08-04-2012, 01:37 AM

The punctuation in the final panels' two captions suggest they are by two different off-panel characters...not one...dunno if that's right--I'd have to refer to the script to be sure if that's what intended....and I don't have access to the script.

This can often derail a story if you confuse the reader. It's frustrating as a reader if the information isn't delivered properly.

Often this mistake is the writer's fault...but a good letterer should correct as he goes to impart the story's intention.

ALSO--"Good-looking" with a hyphen in panel 1 is incorrect---if it was followed by a noun as in "good-looking redhead" it would be correct....but there's no noun following {and it's not one word, so drop the hyphen, it doesn't make any sense}. Again, probably the writer's fault...but a letterer needs to know this stuff so his work doesn't look sloppy just 'cause the writer is. Your name goes on the book, too.

My script guide covers this and more:
http://rapidshare.com/files/37633504...ipt_Format.pdf

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio
khathawayart@gmail.com

MartinEJohn · 08-04-2012, 10:03 PM

Thanks Kurt. I am meaning to differentiate the bottom captions with by creating two different gray tones. I just haven't gotten to it yet.

I will be sure to edit the balloons. Thanks so much for the critique. I am also moving the top balloon on the second panel a little over to the right.

Thanks.

vartemis · 08-05-2012, 10:13 AM

Small thing, but last caption of last panel has a crossbar I.

j

Comics Commando · 08-05-2012, 07:55 PM

Vart...I think he's using the crossbar I in that case since it's the start of a new sentence....a capital letter, in other words.

I don't personally subscribe to that style having come from hand lettering, but it seems to have become a personal preference over the years of digital letters.

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio
khathawayart@gmail.com

08-02-2012, 04:41 PM	#1
MartinEJohn Martin John Join Date: May 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 131	Looking for a critique - a tough page - does this read well? This was a hard bit of dialogue to sew together. I'm wondering if it reads well. Any critiques or suggestions?

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08-02-2012, 05:04 PM	#2
adityab Writer/Letterer Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: India Posts: 95	Just my 2 cents: There's a fork after the 2nd balloon, where the reader could go left or right - you need to fix that. (Also, general note, try to avoid tangents like the 1st guy's 3rd balloon and the door frame.) But all in all, I've seen worse. If I were you, I'd move the first balloon a little lower and to the left, move the 2nd guy's first balloon next to it, move the 1st guy's remaining balloons next to the guy standing behind the sofa (moving 'wait' to the left so it'd be read first), and keep the last balloon where it is. All this is assuming you don't need 'Chicago, Illinois' to be read first. If you do, I'd say move that to the far left, shift the whole kaboodle a bit to the right (and maybe stack the location caption into two lines to give yourself more space to work with, but that'd be a last resort).

08-02-2012, 05:07 PM	#3
MartinEJohn Martin John Join Date: May 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 131	Thanks for the feedback Adiytab. It is most definitely helpful.

08-02-2012, 05:27 PM	#4
MartinEJohn Martin John Join Date: May 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 131	Here is an updated version. I moved everything around and I think it reads better. But is it as good as it gets?

08-04-2012, 01:37 AM	#5
Comics Commando Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 590	The punctuation in the final panels' two captions suggest they are by two different off-panel characters...not one...dunno if that's right--I'd have to refer to the script to be sure if that's what intended....and I don't have access to the script. This can often derail a story if you confuse the reader. It's frustrating as a reader if the information isn't delivered properly. Often this mistake is the writer's fault...but a good letterer should correct as he goes to impart the story's intention. ALSO--"Good-looking" with a hyphen in panel 1 is incorrect---if it was followed by a noun as in "good-looking redhead" it would be correct....but there's no noun following {and it's not one word, so drop the hyphen, it doesn't make any sense}. Again, probably the writer's fault...but a letterer needs to know this stuff so his work doesn't look sloppy just 'cause the writer is. Your name goes on the book, too. My script guide covers this and more: http://rapidshare.com/files/37633504...ipt_Format.pdf Kurt Hathaway Cartoon Balloons Studio khathawayart@gmail.com

08-04-2012, 10:03 PM	#6
MartinEJohn Martin John Join Date: May 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 131	Thanks Kurt. I am meaning to differentiate the bottom captions with by creating two different gray tones. I just haven't gotten to it yet. I will be sure to edit the balloons. Thanks so much for the critique. I am also moving the top balloon on the second panel a little over to the right. Thanks.

08-05-2012, 10:13 AM	#7
vartemis Onomonopiaphile Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 480	Small thing, but last caption of last panel has a crossbar I. j

08-05-2012, 07:55 PM	#8
Comics Commando Registered User Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 590	Vart...I think he's using the crossbar I in that case since it's the start of a new sentence....a capital letter, in other words. I don't personally subscribe to that style having come from hand lettering, but it seems to have become a personal preference over the years of digital letters. Kurt Hathaway Cartoon Balloons Studio khathawayart@gmail.com