Short Script for critique

venusianfurs · 07-19-2012, 11:04 AM

A five-page script, I'd appreciate any feedback on it, and please don't be kind.

FIVE PAGES

PAGE ONE: five panels.

PANEL 1: page-wide shot of Agate Pass shortly before dawn (see image on Wikipedia). The Agate Bridge is visible in the background. It's an idyllic scene, but for the blood red morning sky.

FRATER (OP): ...which is not to say there was no risk involved. Of course there was...
FRATER (OP): That simply added to the enjoyment, it was part of the fun.
FRATER (OP): Knife-play, that was my favourite game. I would use a five-inch retractable blade - a flick-knife, you'd say.
FRATER (OP): I would sheath it inside her, blade withdrawn, and then release the catch...

PANEL 2: medium-shot of THE HITTER behind the wheel of the landrover. He's parking the car in the woodlands, and we can see trees through the window behind him, although it's gloomy. He is glancing at the rearview mirror, expression serious.

FRATER (OP): Not to draw blood, of course. Rather like swallowing a sword, you know? She had to remain deathly still... But I always had a steady hand.
FRATER (OP): It was an excellent test of loyalty and restraint.

PANEL 3: medium-close shot of THE FRATER, as he glances nervously out the window.

FRATER: Are we there already...?

SFX (from outside his window): KUH-KLIK

PANEL 4: side-view of the Hitter as he stands beside the beside the car, opening the door to let the Frater out, and reaching to his hip beneath his jacket as he does so.

PANEL 5: medium shot from the POV of the Frater, as the Hitter has opened the door wide and is stood waiting for him to exit. In his left hand, we see the Hitter has drawn his gun from its holster. His expression is calm.

HITTER: Out.

PAGE TWO:

PANEL 1: medium-long shot of the Frater, escorted by the Hitter through trees. Frater smokes nervously. The Hitter keeps his pistol held prominently, ready to use it, and he looks serious.

FRATER: You know... we don't come into life with expectations.
FRATER: The expectation that anyone owes us anything. But we soon learn...
FRATER: We learn the way the world is, and we take our place. Whatever place suits us best...

PANEL 2: long-shot of the two of them as they emerge from the trees on to a slope near the river.

FRATER: None of us are innocent. Our secrets are known, perhaps not to each other, but to the unseen, the hidden in nature. The secret ones...
FRATER: The true godfathers of the world.

PANEL 3: medium-shot of the two of them, as the Frater pauses a second, looking back at the Hitter, who gestures for him to keep walking wth the gun.

FRATER: Do you know what I mean? Of course... You know all about me, don't you?
FRATER: The Black Frater... The Beast...
FRATER: "The wickedest man in the world"... You can thank the press for that.

HITTER: Keep moving.

PANEL 4: page-wide medium shot of the two of them. The Hitter holds the gun prominently, pointing to the Fraters' back. The Frater looks calm.

FRATER: They speak of an after-life, but you know, there's really only one. Only one existence that deserves to be called life.
FRATER: After that? Just emptyness, extinction. Void. As close a thing to oblivion as we'll ever get.
FRATER: Can you imagine it? Have you prepared yourself for death, for the big good-bye?
FRATER: Sounds awful, doesn't it?

PAGE THREE: five panels.

PANEL 1: medium shot of the Frater as he walks a few steps towards the water. He looks content.

FRATER: No, we make our own choices. A finite life really doesn't suit me...

HITTER (OP): That's far enough.

PANEL 2: close-medium shot of the Frater as he pauses, glancing up at the sky.

FRATER: The reason I didn't return the loan to your employer?
FRATER: I simply chose not. I saw what life had to offer, and I took what I wished to. Kept the aspidistra flying...

HITTER (OP): Finish that cigarette.

PANEL 3: medium-long shot of the Frater as he glances back at the Hitter. We can see the arm and shoulder of the Hitter in silhouette as he aims the gun at the Frater.

FRATER: I've found this to be a very personally rewarding philosophy, as long as you make the right decisions at the right moment.
FRATER: Which is all one ever needs, isn't it? Fortuitous timing.

PANEL 4: medium-close shot of the Hitter as he aims the pistol, about to fire... but he is glancing to his left as a golden glow has appeared from something (which we'll see in the next panel):

FRATER (OP): Speaking of which...

PANEL 5: medium shot of the two of them from the side, and they're both in silhouette against a bright golden light as the glowing COLLECTOR has materialized a few feet away, and we cannot quite make out all the details of it. The Hitters' stance is that of uncertainty, while the Frater is evidently rapturous.

FRATER: Yes...! Yes!
FRATER: It's here, here!

PAGE FOUR: six panels.

PANEL 1: page-wide shot from the side as the Collector appears more visibly, gazing at the two of them. The Hitter looks on in tight-lipped shock, while the Frater grins avidly.

FRATER: Yes, Great Voice! Collector! Brother Midnight! Minister of Hoor-Paar-Kraat, aerial spirit, Aiwass!
FRATER: I embrace you, I welcome!

PANEL 2: medium-close shot of the Collector.

COLLECTOR: Your time draws to a close, Frater.
COLLECTOR: I am here to collect what is due.

PANEL 3: medium shot of the Frater and the Hitter. The Frater gestures graciously toward the Hitter, while the Hitter has his pistol trained on the Collector, and looks to be in stern alarm, his mouth still closed, not gaping.

FRATER: And you shall receive it. Here...
FRATER: This man, this criminal, this murderer. He has blood on his hands, the blood of innocent and guilty alike.
FRATER: He is a cop-killer. He is Cosa Nostra, you understand? His guilt weighs heavily...
FRATER: Take him! Consume his spirit! Relieve him of his burden...

PANEL 4: medium-close shot of the Collector and the Hitter, as the Collector gazes closely at the man. The Hitter glares coldly back.

COLLECTOR: ...
COLLECTOR: This man has no soul.

PANEL 5: medium shot of the three of them. the glowing Collector has his back to us, while the Frater is in pale shock, and the Hitter looks over at the Frater.

FRATER: W-what do you...?

COLLECTOR: His spirit is void. Empty.
COLLECTOR: He has nothing I want.
COLLECTOR: You do.

PANEL 6: medium-close shot of the Hitter, his brown furrowed speculatively as he looks at the Collector. The golden light intensifies as it is cast over him.

FRATER (OP): But-but he... I...!
FRATER (OP): Nuh-no...! Noooo!

PAGE FIVE: five panels.

PANEL 1: medium shot of the Hitter, and he is lighting a cigarette, still holding the pistol in the same hand, with the lighter pinched between thumb and index finger. We can see the arm of the Collector at the left edge of the panel. There is smoke in the air from where the Frater has presumably been incinerated.

PANEL 2: medium shot of the Collector and the Hitter. The Hitter has his back to us, while the Collector gazes at him. Smoke lingers heavily, while of course the Frater is nowhere to be seen.

COLLECTOR: This concludes my business here.
COLLECTOR: The debt is paid.
COLLECTOR: But what of you? What do you desire of life, that I can offer?
COLLECTOR: My means are considerable.

PANEL 3: medium-close shot of the Hitter, and he looks calm as he exhales cigarette smoke into the air.

HITTER: Twenty-thousand dollars.
HITTER: My fee.
HITTER: And I already have that.

PANEL 4: medium side-shot of the two of them. The Hitter looks calmly at the Collector, as the Collector begins to fade, growing faint, his light diminishing.

COLLECTOR: As you wish.
COLLECTOR: Then, I will take my leave.

PANEL 5: page-wide shot of the Hitter, in a similar establishing shot as Panel 1 of Page One, as he walks back up the slope towards the trees. As the sun rises in the background, the whole scene is lonely and desolate.

Scribbly · 07-20-2012, 09:49 AM

Crowleyan, I like it.

With all my respect, my sketchy visualization over this 5 pager.

http://digitalwebbing.com/forums/sho...84#post1770984

venusianfurs · 07-20-2012, 07:50 PM

Thanks very much for that, I'm glad you liked it! I've also left a comment in more detail on your sequential art post.

LN

hellospaceboy · 07-26-2012, 12:47 PM

My only question is: why 5 pages? I know in digital comics pagecount doesn't matter that much, but I would still try to keep it an even number if possible, in case there's a chance for it to hit print.

venusianfurs · 07-26-2012, 10:33 PM

It's intended for a submission requiring five pages.

hellospaceboy · 07-29-2012, 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by venusianfurs

It's intended for a submission requiring five pages.

Fair enough!

07-19-2012, 11:04 AM	#1
venusianfurs Luke Noonan Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Scotland Posts: 54	Short Script for critique A five-page script, I'd appreciate any feedback on it, and please don't be kind. FIVE PAGES PAGE ONE: five panels. PANEL 1: page-wide shot of Agate Pass shortly before dawn (see image on Wikipedia). The Agate Bridge is visible in the background. It's an idyllic scene, but for the blood red morning sky. FRATER (OP): ...which is not to say there was no risk involved. Of course there was... FRATER (OP): That simply added to the enjoyment, it was part of the fun. FRATER (OP): Knife-play, that was my favourite game. I would use a five-inch retractable blade - a flick-knife, you'd say. FRATER (OP): I would sheath it inside her, blade withdrawn, and then release the catch... PANEL 2: medium-shot of THE HITTER behind the wheel of the landrover. He's parking the car in the woodlands, and we can see trees through the window behind him, although it's gloomy. He is glancing at the rearview mirror, expression serious. FRATER (OP): Not to draw blood, of course. Rather like swallowing a sword, you know? She had to remain deathly still... But I always had a steady hand. FRATER (OP): It was an excellent test of loyalty and restraint. PANEL 3: medium-close shot of THE FRATER, as he glances nervously out the window. FRATER: Are we there already...? SFX (from outside his window): KUH-KLIK PANEL 4: side-view of the Hitter as he stands beside the beside the car, opening the door to let the Frater out, and reaching to his hip beneath his jacket as he does so. PANEL 5: medium shot from the POV of the Frater, as the Hitter has opened the door wide and is stood waiting for him to exit. In his left hand, we see the Hitter has drawn his gun from its holster. His expression is calm. HITTER: Out. PAGE TWO: PANEL 1: medium-long shot of the Frater, escorted by the Hitter through trees. Frater smokes nervously. The Hitter keeps his pistol held prominently, ready to use it, and he looks serious. FRATER: You know... we don't come into life with expectations. FRATER: The expectation that anyone owes us anything. But we soon learn... FRATER: We learn the way the world is, and we take our place. Whatever place suits us best... PANEL 2: long-shot of the two of them as they emerge from the trees on to a slope near the river. FRATER: None of us are innocent. Our secrets are known, perhaps not to each other, but to the unseen, the hidden in nature. The secret ones... FRATER: The true godfathers of the world. PANEL 3: medium-shot of the two of them, as the Frater pauses a second, looking back at the Hitter, who gestures for him to keep walking wth the gun. FRATER: Do you know what I mean? Of course... You know all about me, don't you? FRATER: The Black Frater... The Beast... FRATER: "The wickedest man in the world"... You can thank the press for that. HITTER: Keep moving. PANEL 4: page-wide medium shot of the two of them. The Hitter holds the gun prominently, pointing to the Fraters' back. The Frater looks calm. FRATER: They speak of an after-life, but you know, there's really only one. Only one existence that deserves to be called life. FRATER: After that? Just emptyness, extinction. Void. As close a thing to oblivion as we'll ever get. FRATER: Can you imagine it? Have you prepared yourself for death, for the big good-bye? FRATER: Sounds awful, doesn't it? PAGE THREE: five panels. PANEL 1: medium shot of the Frater as he walks a few steps towards the water. He looks content. FRATER: No, we make our own choices. A finite life really doesn't suit me... HITTER (OP): That's far enough. PANEL 2: close-medium shot of the Frater as he pauses, glancing up at the sky. FRATER: The reason I didn't return the loan to your employer? FRATER: I simply chose not. I saw what life had to offer, and I took what I wished to. Kept the aspidistra flying... HITTER (OP): Finish that cigarette. PANEL 3: medium-long shot of the Frater as he glances back at the Hitter. We can see the arm and shoulder of the Hitter in silhouette as he aims the gun at the Frater. FRATER: I've found this to be a very personally rewarding philosophy, as long as you make the right decisions at the right moment. FRATER: Which is all one ever needs, isn't it? Fortuitous timing. PANEL 4: medium-close shot of the Hitter as he aims the pistol, about to fire... but he is glancing to his left as a golden glow has appeared from something (which we'll see in the next panel): FRATER (OP): Speaking of which... PANEL 5: medium shot of the two of them from the side, and they're both in silhouette against a bright golden light as the glowing COLLECTOR has materialized a few feet away, and we cannot quite make out all the details of it. The Hitters' stance is that of uncertainty, while the Frater is evidently rapturous. FRATER: Yes...! Yes! FRATER: It's here, here! PAGE FOUR: six panels. PANEL 1: page-wide shot from the side as the Collector appears more visibly, gazing at the two of them. The Hitter looks on in tight-lipped shock, while the Frater grins avidly. FRATER: Yes, Great Voice! Collector! Brother Midnight! Minister of Hoor-Paar-Kraat, aerial spirit, Aiwass! FRATER: I embrace you, I welcome! PANEL 2: medium-close shot of the Collector. COLLECTOR: Your time draws to a close, Frater. COLLECTOR: I am here to collect what is due. PANEL 3: medium shot of the Frater and the Hitter. The Frater gestures graciously toward the Hitter, while the Hitter has his pistol trained on the Collector, and looks to be in stern alarm, his mouth still closed, not gaping. FRATER: And you shall receive it. Here... FRATER: This man, this criminal, this murderer. He has blood on his hands, the blood of innocent and guilty alike. FRATER: He is a cop-killer. He is Cosa Nostra, you understand? His guilt weighs heavily... FRATER: Take him! Consume his spirit! Relieve him of his burden... PANEL 4: medium-close shot of the Collector and the Hitter, as the Collector gazes closely at the man. The Hitter glares coldly back. COLLECTOR: ... COLLECTOR: This man has no soul. PANEL 5: medium shot of the three of them. the glowing Collector has his back to us, while the Frater is in pale shock, and the Hitter looks over at the Frater. FRATER: W-what do you...? COLLECTOR: His spirit is void. Empty. COLLECTOR: He has nothing I want. COLLECTOR: You do. PANEL 6: medium-close shot of the Hitter, his brown furrowed speculatively as he looks at the Collector. The golden light intensifies as it is cast over him. FRATER (OP): But-but he... I...! FRATER (OP): Nuh-no...! Noooo! PAGE FIVE: five panels. PANEL 1: medium shot of the Hitter, and he is lighting a cigarette, still holding the pistol in the same hand, with the lighter pinched between thumb and index finger. We can see the arm of the Collector at the left edge of the panel. There is smoke in the air from where the Frater has presumably been incinerated. PANEL 2: medium shot of the Collector and the Hitter. The Hitter has his back to us, while the Collector gazes at him. Smoke lingers heavily, while of course the Frater is nowhere to be seen. COLLECTOR: This concludes my business here. COLLECTOR: The debt is paid. COLLECTOR: But what of you? What do you desire of life, that I can offer? COLLECTOR: My means are considerable. PANEL 3: medium-close shot of the Hitter, and he looks calm as he exhales cigarette smoke into the air. HITTER: Twenty-thousand dollars. HITTER: My fee. HITTER: And I already have that. PANEL 4: medium side-shot of the two of them. The Hitter looks calmly at the Collector, as the Collector begins to fade, growing faint, his light diminishing. COLLECTOR: As you wish. COLLECTOR: Then, I will take my leave. PANEL 5: page-wide shot of the Hitter, in a similar establishing shot as Panel 1 of Page One, as he walks back up the slope towards the trees. As the sun rises in the background, the whole scene is lonely and desolate.

07-20-2012, 09:49 AM	#2
Scribbly Easy Reader Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Amerika Posts: 3,725	Crowleyan, I like it. With all my respect, my sketchy visualization over this 5 pager. http://digitalwebbing.com/forums/sho...84#post1770984 Last edited by Scribbly; 07-20-2012 at 06:18 PM.

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07-20-2012, 07:50 PM	#3
venusianfurs Luke Noonan Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Scotland Posts: 54	Thanks very much for that, I'm glad you liked it! I've also left a comment in more detail on your sequential art post. LN

07-26-2012, 12:47 PM	#4
hellospaceboy Registered User Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 10	My only question is: why 5 pages? I know in digital comics pagecount doesn't matter that much, but I would still try to keep it an even number if possible, in case there's a chance for it to hit print.

07-26-2012, 10:33 PM	#5
venusianfurs Luke Noonan Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Scotland Posts: 54	It's intended for a submission requiring five pages.