Strong Legs - 4 Pager - Critiques Welcome

[MailOrderClone]

(I wrote up this script earlier tonight on a bit of a whim and I'm interested in seeing what you folks would suggest that I try to improve about it.)

Page 1

Panel 1
Establishing shot of a pack of bicyclists, five or six in total, riding down a country road lined by sunflowers. Ahead of them is a motorcycle with one rider steering and a passenger turned around, filming the pack from ahead with a camera. The exact designs of the cyclist’s attire beyond the basic details don’t really matter all that much save for two. One is our protagonist, a young Frenchman named Jean Simon, who is wearing dark blue trimmed in red. The other is his rival, the older Italian named Marco Mori, who wears a white top with red polka dots, and black shorts. We’re looking at these gentlemen from a front-on angle pushed slightly off to one side, with the fields of sunflowers and the rolling farmland hills in the distance serving as a nice backdrop. Leave some room at the top for a title and credits, please.

CAPTION - When I was a little boy, my father would tell me of his cycling days.

Panel 2
The riders round a dogleg left-hand corner all in a neat line. Here we get a good sense of the enormity of the final climb, as we can see, on the right-hand side of the panel, a massive climb up a very steep hill and into a town, with a bright yellow banner spanning across the road at it’s very top.

CAPTION – He would say “Jean, the King of the Mountain is the man with the strongest legs.”
CAPTION – “If you want to wear the polka dot jersey then you would need to have strong legs.”

Page 2

Panel 1
The cyclists approach the climb, fanning out some from their formerly neat line.

CAPTION – I worked for many years, training my body to the absolute peak.

Panel 2
A few of the other cyclists stand up from their seats, but are visibly falling back from Marco and Jean.

CAPTION – I lived in the saddle so much that I do not feel more at home anywhere else.

Panel 3
A shot of Marco alone, shown from behind and slightly to one side, as if from Jean’s own point of view.

CAPTION – There in front of me is Marco Mori, the reigning king.
CAPTION – The man I must defeat.

Panel 4
Sketchy panel of an extreme close-up of Jean’s face, perhaps only the right half of it, as he lets out a mighty yell.

CAPTION – I attack.

Page 3

Panel 1
Jean, now standing himself, pushes himself forward as Marco does much the same.

CAPTION – It is only once we have begun this final climb, after a full day of riding, that my legs call out to me.

Panel 2
Wide, short panel, Jean and Marco in profile, possibly in silhouette if you want to get artsy. The idea is simply to show that Jean is leaving Marco behind.

CAPTION - “Stop! We cannot take any more!” they scream.

Panel 3
A view from behind Jean, the first of three. As he gets farther…

CAPTION – But I knew they would not fail me.

Panel 4
…and farther…

CAPTION – I press on.

Panel 5
…and farther away. In this final panel of the three, the finish line banner appears over the road.

CAPTION – And Mori cannot match me.

Page 4

Splash Page!!!
Big celebratory page here. Jean, now wearing his own polka dot jersey, is standing on a small stage basking in his victory. In one hand is a small golden trophy, in the other is a bouquet of flowers, both raised overhead. He is flanked on either side by trophy girls who both lean in to kiss him on the cheeks. And out before him is a sea of photographers and press. Put this shot at just the right angle, and you might just be able to sneak in some fans in the background. One of them must be waving a French flag. It’s probably a law or something.

CAPTION – My name is Jean Simon.
CAPTION – And my legs are strong.