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Old 05-05-2012, 12:40 AM   #1
Incendium Lux
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Pentagram Program - Two Pager

First post. Be brutal. I could use it.

PENTACLE PROGRAM

PAGE ONE

PANEL ONE - THE PROTAGONIST UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT COMPLEX BUILDING IN THE RAIN.
There's a light over the exterior door shining down on the guy. It's late at night; the guy is dressed in a long coat, but having no hood leaves his head unprotected.

PANEL TWO - THE PROTAGONIST PULLS A CD-ROM OUT OF HIS MAILBOX.
The mailbox is one in a locker-style row of many. The guy's keys are still hanging from the mailbox door. The CD-ROM is packaged somewhat discretely. The locker bank is in the complex foyer, which also has the stairs to the second floor. Our guy is soaked in his long coat. He probably won't show much over receiving something in the mail he actually sent for.

PANEL THREE - THE PROTAGONIST CLIMBS STAIRS.
With the mailbox closed and locked, our guy has begun to trudge up to the second floor-- his floor-- leaving sloppy, wet footprints in his wake.

PANEL FOUR - THE PROTAGONIST OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS DARK APARTMENT.
We're looking at the guy from inside the studio apartment. The hallway light is bright, and we can see little more of the guy than his silhouette. The only thing on in his small studio is his computer screen; its light, combined with the hallway light, illuminates just a bit of the mess his apartment is.

PANEL FIVE - THE PROTAGONIST SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
That extra light from the hallway is gone; the light from the computer screen is thus accentuated. The guy's silhouette (and the glimmer of the LCD light off his spectacles) is further into the apartment, probably closing in on his almighty throne.

PANEL SIX - THE PROTAGONIST IS SLUMPED IN THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.
He's got the slouch anal-retentive posture people warn you about. He's much more visible now that he's directly in front of the computer. His head is sort of hanging and his wet bangs are still dripping wet. His finger is by the external eject button of the computer's disk drive, which is now opened. (Alternatively, the guy would be pulling out a porn DVD from the now-opened disk drive.)

PANEL SEVEN _ THE PROTAGONIST PUTS THE CD IN THE SLOT.
A close-up of his hand and the new CD, with his index finger through the hole and his thumb on the rim, careful to place the disk appropriately. The disk's label looks black with a large logo, the pentagram that is disintegrating into binary on the right side of the disk.

PANEL EIGHT - THE PROGRAM DISPLAYS THE WELCOME SCREEN.
It's basically a close-up of the computer screen. The same logo from the disk label is on the screen. The bottom of the screen has one of those boxes you have to click, saying one does agree to the terms of usage and/or assume full responsibility. The guy's arrow-style mouse pointer is probably somewhere between that box and the button marked "continue."

PANEL NINE - THE PROGRAM ASKS THE PROTAGONIST TO SELECT A BASE MODEL.
The program allows for the selecting of one base from many, and a color option that changes the color of the selected model's lines. The guy picks up a pentagram, double-encircled with smaller circles at each point of the star within the dual bands; the color option has "red" selected.

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE - THE PROTAGONIST IS LOOKING AT HIS KEYBOARD.
This should probably be shot from over the guy's shoulder so as not to beat side-shots to death. From this angle, the reader might be able to see that he is putting letters in each of the five smallcircles around the star. (Hadn't planned for that until next panel, but if it can be worked in there, why not?)

PANEL TWO - LETTERS ARE FILLED INTO EACH ONE OF THE FIVE SMALLER ORBS.
Starting from the uppermost circle, the guy has put the letters J-N-T-h-N in the orbs.

PANEL THREE - THE PROTAGONIST CHANGES THE FONTS.
The guy has changed each letter from the English alphabet to other fonts/alphabets in the program. It will be something like J in Theban, N in Enochian, T in Ancient Greek, h in Furthark, and N in Magi. The guy may have right-clicked to pull up a menu, with the mouse hovering over "invert image."

PANEL FOUR - THE PENTACLE IS INVERTED.
The image is flipped upside down; even the letters, in their new positions, are upside-down.

PANEL FIVE - SYMBOLS ARE ADDED TO THE INVERTED PENTACLE.
The guy decorates his project with alchemic and planetary symbols from a drag-and-drop menu. He starts by putting the astrological symbol for Saturn in the pentagon at the center of the star.

PANEL SIX - THE PENTAGRAM IS COMPLETE.
Another over-the-shoulder view of the computer screen (the side opposite the view taken in page two/panel one) and the now finished pentagram. It now has the symbol for Saturn at the center of the star, the symbols for Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto in the higher three sections outside the star, and the alchemic symbols for fire and sulfur in the bottom two sections.

PANEL SEVEN - THE PROTAGONIST SNEEZES ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN.
The guy is in the full throws of a violent sneeze, and seems to blast the pentagram with sickly bodily fluids.

PROTAGONIST: Ahh-
PROTAGONIST: Ahh--
PROTAGONIST: Ahh-choo!!

PANEL EIGHT - THE PENTACLE TURNS INTO A HELLISH PORTAL.
The outer edge of the pentacle has collapsed inward into a portal. It looks fiery yet dark at the same time. A hand is reaching out from inside the portal, with demonic red skin and painted-black claws. The guy is recoilind in fear, if he can be seen in this panel.

PANEL NINE - THE PROTAGONIST IS PULLED INTO THE PORTAL.
The guy is already half-way gone, his precious chair kicked over and the lower half of his body sticking out of the screen. His legs are probably still kicking.

END CAPTION: Tough break, kid!
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Old 05-05-2012, 01:02 AM   #2
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Interesting. I think you have too many panels on each page which would make this hard to read, and hard for your artist to provide the detail and emphasis you script out. I'd recommend adding at least one more page, keeping the script the same story-wise.
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Old 05-11-2012, 03:27 PM   #3
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It could look good one a 3x3 grid layout. Since there isn't a lot of dialogue, the pictures should look fine that way. But, I see that working better for a long story. If you plan on keeping this short, I'd heed Mr. Bishop's advice.
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Old 05-11-2012, 05:10 PM   #4
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Thanks for both replies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bishop
Interesting. I think you have too many panels on each page which would make this hard to read, and hard for your artist to provide the detail and emphasis you script out. I'd recommend adding at least one more page, keeping the script the same story-wise.
I think the three-by-three layout is common, or at least was common prior to the days when comics were all awkward shaped panels in disarray. The only dialogue is a sneeze, so I don't think text legibility will be an issue. I think the main issue there might be making sure the computer-oriented scenes don't look the same over and over again. If I get the chance, I'll make an attempt at thumb-nailing these out and try to scan them to see if that might make you change your mind. (My art sucks, so I might try have to recruit the girlfriend for help.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by My name is Tommy
It could look good one a 3x3 grid layout. Since there isn't a lot of dialogue, the pictures should look fine that way. But, I see that working better for a long story. If you plan on keeping this short, I'd heed Mr. Bishop's advice.
I'm not sure I follow. The format is fine but it needs to be lengthened because of the format?
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Old 05-11-2012, 05:38 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Incendium Lux View Post
I think the three-by-three layout is common, or at least was common prior to the days when comics were all awkward shaped panels in disarray. The only dialogue is a sneeze, so I don't think text legibility will be an issue.
In a 3X3 layout it can be difficult to put emphasis on any one panel or action. It's not impossible by any means. It just presents a challenge for the artist.

My point in how the panel "reads" was not one of reading text, but reading the art. You have a lot of detail scripted for each panel. In a 3X3 scenario it may be hard for the artist to fit that all in the panel in a way that reads well for the viewer.
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Old 05-11-2012, 06:52 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
In a 3X3 layout it can be difficult to put emphasis on any one panel or action. It's not impossible by any means. It just presents a challenge for the artist.

My point in how the panel "reads" was not one of reading text, but reading the art. You have a lot of detail scripted for each panel. In a 3X3 scenario it may be hard for the artist to fit that all in the panel in a way that reads well for the viewer.
Hey, I appreciate you explaining your thoughts/criticism.

One thing that I definitely need help with is the translation between script and art. I've never worked with an artist before-- that's part of the reason I'm on DW-- so I'm looking forward to doing so and learning what you can I can't do. Having no real artistic ability to speak of, that's something that I'm going to have to learn vicariously through partnering up with others.
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Old 05-11-2012, 08:01 PM   #7
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It may be a stretch to expect your artist to feel comfortable enough to tell you that you have too many words on a page or are cramming too many panels in. You might find that if you find the right collaborator, but I'm not sure.

You may want to invest in Eisner's "Comics and Sequential Art". This is written mostly for artists, but it Providessome great insight on how to layout a page and to use those layouts to your advantage as a writer. I also strongly recommend Scott McCloud's series on comics (Understanding Comics, Reinventing Comics, Creating Comics). To me, these have been invaluable in the information the provide. They helped me understand the why's and how's of creating comics and have given me a greater appreciation for the art form as a whole.

Keep up the hard work and you'll get there! You're definitely in the right place to get some help as long as you can take honest criticism along with the occasional bit of praise!
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Old 05-11-2012, 09:09 PM   #8
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Bishop basically explained my take as well. the 3x3 grid is fine, I write within it myself fairly often. But, it lacks dynamics which I feel would help this story. The reason I feel the format would be better suited as the start of a longer story is because you don't need to hit anyone with dynamics, you can build through an issue/chapter. If all you have is a few pages, I think you could do with a more interesting layout. That's just my take though, man.
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