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Old 04-27-2012, 04:36 PM   #1
gtbfilez
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Flight Line: Performance PLan

Hello,
Digital Web forum. We want to present an offering to your writer showcase. Please have mercy on this little two man crew. The story is between two female Shifters. Arla is a telekinetic shifter with a knack for electronics. Shay is a shifter with internal alchemist abilities(she can create different abilities by using gravity, and various types of emotions and feelings)making or transferring new abilities on the fly.

We don't want to give too much away. This is the best revised version to date. Hope Digital Webbing enjoy the read. Site is listed inside the story.

Enjoy!!!


GTBFilez: Flight Line
https://sites.google.com/site/gtbfil...otersnackbook/

Cat Queen reference(begin :35):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Na8ThDftsKk

"Performance Plan"
Starring: Arla & Shonneice

(Story take place six days before the events inside the Comic Shooter. When the two are together, Shay is used instead of Shonneice)

[Somewhere safely inside Eddie, Arla is repairing anonymous electronics filled with sparks when Shay shift from a part of Eddie. She has on form fitting clothes with all kind of Flight Line designs. Arla shades catch the reflection of the 180lb hourglass figure approaching on an angle ]


(Sitting with a glance at shade reflection)Arla : You're a walking art board.

(Checking herself out)Shay: I'm trying out my first line called action gear.

[Finds two big vertical words on the side of Shay hip and leg]


(Head redirect to sparks)Arla : I see you and momma support Flight Line.

(Start up the Hindu squats) Shay: Hot days are around the corner with those sci-fi shows where we can sharpen our switch out skills!

Arla: Ha...ha! Seriously, the words, kneepads, clothes barely containing your body frame look nice. Only Shay can make it work.

(Slight elevated tone)Shay: Hey!

Arla:This is my first time seeing clothes sweat.

Shay: That cool as long as you don't say "ghetto" and "oh my god Becky look".

Arla: I told you I got the shape minus the numbers that magnify the figure so my ignorance level is very low.

Shay: I had to make sure Flight Line could be big enough to be seen with FX w/o running out of space.

Arla: Momma has the shape of my babies down to a T. Hope Core male division don't catch your outfit. A real sci-fi scene will happen that day.

Shay: I'm thinking about leaving runners out the design.

[Arla back is still facing Shay. Thick shades catch words changing]


Arla: Hey what going on with your pants?

(Smirking and feeling legs) Shay : What are you talking about?

Arla: Flight Line just switched from one word to another, then down to each letter, coool!

Shay: It's action gear.

Arla: Based on what you're doing the words either turn bold or italics for speed?

Shay: Yeh I'm working on it.

Arla: You and momma gonna advertise my kids?

Shay: No, I'm trying to stretch my character limit. Flight Line is a nice size name.

Arla: Oh! I thought I was the only tech nut in this duo.

Shay: I can mess with 1's & 0's when I feel like it.

Arla: Where the power coming from? Don't want people wearing your clothes unconsciously asking lightning to visit.

(Start some slow lunges) Shay: Body temperature and mood set the words in motion.

Arla: Feeling a phrase to say. "That's what up"! I lllllllllike it!

Shay: Okay two phrases. I'm working on color changes too.

Arla: I know you like the "hero blends with public/less and not obvious" look but if you're doing mask and make up day, you can't be you. You want to use some gloves, elbows pads, shades, hat, highlights? Do something with the
face.

(Ignores the comment): Shay The sci-fi shows are great to shake the stiff out of your skills. It will be your first public birthday as a Shifter and no one will know except me, Ace, Slick & Smooth.

(Ignores the comment) Arla: I think you really have to amp up the images when doing conventions. We can use some of my empty babies. You can use slippers and I use runners.

Shay: Runners at conventions? Incore will be in the crowd undetected.

(Brow rises in acknowledgement. Tone remains hear pitch) Arla: Oops.

Shay: Who else besides you, Ace, Slick and Smooth know my vibez?

(Hinting)Arla: You know your last employer Incore is anywhere and anybody. Convention is a good event to catch us.

Shay: Forget Incore evil butt. Okay the hair can have different glow with mist effects.

Arla: Yeh the steaming color look might work. My hair is a cheerleader for runners. If I like Hot Apple TNT, certain strands will be fire orange or solid red with silver.

[Shay get straight to business with character costume and skit]


(Start to do cat stretches) Shay: We're gonna do two versions of Cat Queen.

Arla: Cat Queen? You can do her…Eww! You can do her speed and agility.

(Sure and calm tone)Shay: You can too.

(Messing with Shay)Arla: I thought you thought I was slow?

(Maintains calm tone)Shay: Your hands are quick but you're still slower than me.

Arla: Thanks! I just wanted to make sure I was hearing you right.

Shay: We do Cat Queen so you know the gear.

Arla: Spaghetti strap leotard with boots and cat symbol in the middle of chest.

Shay: Long flowing hair with cat spots. Look cool and sexy when we're running. I can use a vibe to simulate Cat Queen's flashy speed lines.

(Sparks stop hitting shades)Arla: Okay stripes not spots. I got a glimpse of a litter box when you said spots.

Shay: Okayyy! don't forget the golden orange skin and make up.

Arla: Shifting allow you to do that on the fly?

Shay: I can switch skin tone. Hair is no problem. Thick make up is a different story.

(Sparks resume connection with shades) Arla: Leotard and boots sound like FGA. Why don't we do that? We do FGA every other weekend.

Shay: I live with Ms. Deena not with thousands of sci-fi fans.

Arla: Oh forgot about that. Oops!

(Stay with FGA idea) Shay: Eddie can build the ring?

Arla: I can patch in some images and find a blue print for him. Your Aunt's ring is a good start.

(Flip the script) Shay: It's a sci-fi not sports entertainment convention plus how is Eddie going to get into a downtown building w/o attention?

Arla: Helloooo! I may not shift much but I do know the stealth game. We can get in there and eye in data.

Shay: We have to make new spots to crawl in. Someone plugged in the old ones. Translation: stay away from there until next weekend.

(The sparks reappear) Arla: Ha! That our work weekend. What are we doing as Cat Queen?

Shay: Two versions: One serious and comedic.

Arla: I'm the serious one?

Shay: I'm the serious one.

Arla: What the skit about?

Shay: We're going to do Cat Queen's intro.

(Sparks disappear again) Arla: What? I have to do all the running, the jump and that high @#$ flip?

Shay: I'm the one who makes the jump and that high @#$ flip.

Arla: Why am I not surprised. I forgot about the daredevil sliding down skyscrapers. You and momma gonna pull off the intro?

Shay: You cursed the high *#@ flip, so I'm thinking you don't want to do it. Patch Eddie with the scene so he can make the top of the hill.

(Sparks reappear and pick up speed)Arla: Make the jump?! Shay what wrong with you? Where is this going to take place? The leap has to be over 10ft. before the high @#$ flip.

(Get a good stretching rhythm going) Shay : Sci-fi world contest Illinois, July. Outdoors thank goodness! I'm the serious one who will make the jump. You're the comic doing sci-fi character impersonations before you take off, so you don't make the jump, but you do a whole lot before the run and you will look exactly like Cat Queen.

Arla: You're not going to dress up?

Shay: Yeh but it still looks like a thick black woman dressed up as Cat Queen. I think the crowd will like both versions. If my Aunty sees me, it would be drama central. (Switch to Ms. Deena voice): Shayyyyy! What do you have on and why are you running in it?! Seriously, it’s cool being a shifter. No armor around forcing you to hurt people freaking them out with your abilities. Most of the crowd won’t know we make our own FX. Shifting is fun. Time to play.

Arla: Ms. Deena might show up and do a few FGA matches. You're going to risk it?

Shay: Yeh why not. We can't diss Cat Queen's intro. A lot of folks like the run, jump, and flip. I can hook it up!

(Curious about cat stretches) Arla: How many did you do?

Shay: 31. Where the apples, oranges, turkey legs?

Arla: They helped you come up with the Cat Queen skit?

Shay: A little bit.

Arla: Fridge to the right. Good luck finding turkey legs. I can do 31.

(Catches the comment) Shay: You going to them with a kid in your hand?
Arla: Yeh you ready?

Shay: Go ahead.

Arla: Set me for one minute.

Shay: Go!

Arla: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooo

[Interruption]

Shay: Girl get out of here!

[Time passes. Shay is in the middle of breaking down the skit]


(Sitting against a wall) Shay: You run but you're not picking up speed until you get on your hands and knees. The hands generate speed. You pinch a tale out your lower back.

Arla: Eww! The tale come out when I get on all fours?

Shay: Yeh.

Arla: Ha! I will start to really look like a Cat
.
Shay: That the plan. Add action and comedy in one skit.

Arla: (Sparks reappear)I didn't mean to break the brainstorm
.
Shay: Okay let me finish. You find your speed, but it's a little too late. You look up and see me frantically telling you to get elevation.

Arla: I go faster before jumping?

Shay: When you look straight ahead, you see the hill bottom is two feet away from your nose.

Arla: Oh @#*! I'm on all fours with not enough room and time to make it.

Shay: You improvise. It look you're going to attempt to jump. The arms go up and it look like you're going to do it. You leap and you crash chest and cheek first into the hillside.

(Clear visuals) Arla: Ooooooooow!

Shay: It shouldn't be too bad. We're gonna super sexy pad those bag bags on your chest.

Arla: My knees are going to crash too. What about them?

(Smirk) Shay: Cat Queen didn't wear kneepads.

Arla: Oh.

Shay: Lean in on an angle and turn you head. The pads should keep your face from smacking the side hard.

Arla: I'm going to fly back from impact?

Shay: You're going be tightly hugging the side with your face turned and eyes squinted going Ooooooooow! after impact kick in. Like you just did a few seconds ago.

Arla: Sound funny. The sensation will be different.

Shay: I can imagine you doing it where there will Oooooooh! mixed with laughter.

Arla: It's curtains after that?

Shay: You turn your head and glance up at me before you pull out a water container you had hidden inside the hill. Pull it out and shoot a stream in your mouth.

Arla: X-rated! IIIIII like it! (Low tone)Ewww!

Shay: Show the water swishing on both sides of the mouth then gargle. I'm going to look at you, shake my head and toss the baton down near you. You go back hugging and squeezing the hillside.

Last edited by gtbfilez; 04-27-2012 at 04:39 PM. Reason: Font color, underline
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Old 04-27-2012, 04:49 PM   #2
TheBeefChief
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Hey guys,

Just running out the door, so have only had a very quick glance at this, but already I see quite a few problems.

You've got a lot of description that just makes no sense for a comic, and some that just makes no sense full stop. There's no need for the stuff like "(ignoring comment)" or "(hinting)", because these aren't things you can really convey in the art. Same with "(Sure and calm tone)". We can't hear their voices, so that doesn't matter. If it's important they're calm have the artist draw them looking composed, but we can't hear their tone of voice.

Also you have a lot of dialogue going on, so some of those speech bubbles are going to be fit to burst.

You haven't broken it up into pages or panels. At the moment it reads more like a TV script or something. An artist couldn't really make anything of this the way it is formatted at the moment.

There are other things I could pick up on, but I need to go out. All I can really say is that this still needs a lot of work. But on the other hand we all start out that way, so don't let my comments put you off. Take them on board if you like, or completely ignore them - I come here for feedback from people who know better than I do, so I'm by no means an expert.

Good luck with it.
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Old 04-27-2012, 04:59 PM   #3
Kors
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You may wanna do some research on script format. Its sort of all over the place. And yeah, faaar too much dialogue. Gotta think about the panels and split the dialogue into those panels.
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Old 04-28-2012, 02:59 AM   #4
gtbfilez
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBeefChief View Post
Hey guys,

Just running out the door, so have only had a very quick glance at this, but already I see quite a few problems.

You've got a lot of description that just makes no sense for a comic, and some that just makes no sense full stop. There's no need for the stuff like "(ignoring comment)" or "(hinting)", because these aren't things you can really convey in the art. Same with "(Sure and calm tone)". We can't hear their voices, so that doesn't matter. If it's important they're calm have the artist draw them looking composed, but we can't hear their tone of voice.

Also you have a lot of dialogue going on, so some of those speech bubbles are going to be fit to burst.

You haven't broken it up into pages or panels. At the moment it reads more like a TV script or something. An artist couldn't really make anything of this the way it is formatted at the moment.

There are other things I could pick up on, but I need to go out. All I can really say is that this still needs a lot of work. But on the other hand we all start out that way, so don't let my comments put you off. Take them on board if you like, or completely ignore them - I come here for feedback from people who know better than I do, so I'm by no means an expert.

Good luck with it.
Thanks. We think this is the writer's showcase and we chose to write dialogue which will be worked out and included into our own graphic novel. We will check out how the industry does it and take some pointers and notes.

Thanks again
GTBFilez
https://sites.google.com/site/gtbfil...otersnackbook/

Last edited by gtbfilez; 04-28-2012 at 03:10 AM. Reason: More response
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Old 04-28-2012, 03:01 AM   #5
gtbfilez
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kors View Post
You may wanna do some research on script format. Its sort of all over the place. And yeah, faaar too much dialogue. Gotta think about the panels and split the dialogue into those panels.

Thank u.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:02 AM   #6
TheBeefChief
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gtbfilez View Post
Thanks. We think this is the writer's showcase and we chose to write dialogue which will be worked out and included into our own graphic novel. We will check out how the industry does it and take some pointers and notes.

Thanks again
GTBFilez
https://sites.google.com/site/gtbfil...otersnackbook/
No problem. So are you doing your own artwork? It may be possible to ignore a lot of scripting conventions if you're also doing the art, but I think it'd be good practice to start putting them in.

Really look at trimming and honing that dialogue, too. There's a lot of unnecessary stuff there. Remember the pictures should tell at least half the story, too, so you don't need people talking and talking and talking. Just give the reader enough that they understand what's happening. The trick is to let the characters come through at the same time, and if you find out how to crack that one please let me know!

Hope it goes well for you.
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Old 04-28-2012, 05:13 AM   #7
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A lot of scripting info can be found at Comixtribe.com, under the Bolts & Nuts heading. The first twelve to thirteen should be of a lot of help.

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Old 04-28-2012, 06:27 AM   #8
TheBeefChief
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
A lot of scripting info can be found at Comixtribe.com, under the Bolts & Nuts heading. The first twelve to thirteen should be of a lot of help.

-Steven
Now here's a man who knows what he's talking about. Like Steven says, go read through the Bolts & Nuts column on Comixtribe.com. Then read it again. Hugely useful advice on there.
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Old 04-29-2012, 10:45 PM   #9
gtbfilez
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
A lot of scripting info can be found at Comixtribe.com, under the Bolts & Nuts heading. The first twelve to thirteen should be of a lot of help.

-Steven
Thank u much
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Old 05-02-2012, 12:35 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
A lot of scripting info can be found at Comixtribe.com, under the Bolts & Nuts heading. The first twelve to thirteen should be of a lot of help.

-Steven

Hmmm? The plot first/Marvel method. It's no wonder why GTBFilez has a nice amount of Marvel books in its collection.

Deuces,
GTBFilez
https://sites.google.com/site/gtbfil...ackbook/extras
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