page one pencils

[DAMONSMITHART]

this is my first time posting with you guys so id like to say hello! and thanks for having me.

here is page one of a short story i am working on called "hoody". its a little rough but i hope you like it.







-Damon

[robozo]

cool, do have more?

[DAMONSMITHART]

yes i do.







http://damonsmithart.deviantart.com/gallery/

[creativesynergy]

I have a question from an editor's point of view: Which of the two panels is your focus image? You have a large panel resting on a larger panel, both serving basically the same purpose of showing the shock of his situation in his widened eyes. Do we need the extreme close-up if the second panel shows the exact same thing, with more details? It's unnecessary and redundant to the information and emotional impact of the page, even if you did use the tilted panel properly. The question is: Is whatever image you put in that large tilted panel going to forward the story? Could it have been something like an establishing shot of the dump? Could it have been a shot of someone leaving the scene, the person who dislocated his arm at the shoulder? Make sure it moves the story forward.

My second point would be the overkill on the condition of his clothes. Homeless people like this gentleman obviously is don't necessarily wear clothes that look like Frankenstein's wardrobe: Patchwork. They'd be mismatching perhaps, even dirty, but not sewn in places that make no sense like his left leg on his upper thigh. Even zombies wouldn't be wearing clothes like this. Make it believable. The idea is to draw your reader in with a situation that they can somehow relate to, where they can feel for the character. Making the character, setting, and scene believable, even with horror, fantasy, and science fiction, will create that connection to the story. Patchwork clothes has nothing to do with suspension of disbelief. It just shows a novice understanding of what's correct. You're no novice.

Keep showing us more.

Steve

[DAMONSMITHART]

Thanks for all the advice I will work on that but also keep in mind I was drawing from the script as well as the writer. This is what he asked for so this is what I delivered. I hope everyone can appreciate this simple fact that I as a illustrator must produce work that the writer and publisher want to see. This is just that.

Thank you for all the tips.

[creativesynergy]

Damonsmithart, take a step back. The first thing you'll learn in this industry and on this site is that you're going to get the back patters and those who really want to see you succeed. So please don't get defensive.

You didn't mention anywhere that you were working from a writer's script. I'd love to see what the writer asked for so I could compare it to what you delivered. And of note, just because a writer asks for something, doesn't mean you can't make suggestions to make it better. Having worked as a writer, one artist was very idea oriented and made the project all the better, even though the script was considered very strong. That artist, Michel Lacombe, turned out to work for DC and Marvel Comics. Just as my nom de screen suggests, it's creative synergy, where creators benefit from each other's visions instead of succumb to the iron fist. Make those suggestions. The worst the writer can do is say "No".

[DAMONSMITHART]

Oh no I didn't mean to come off as defensive I was only wanting to express that I was asked to make the page look that way. I appreciate all the advice and help. I do all I can to learn from anyone that can give me tips.
I think it's great to make suggestions and put your creative thoughts into your work but this was my first page for the writer and I wanted to let him know I could provide what he asked of me. Then Later once we know each other better make more suggestions. Now when we work together we always talk about the layouts of pages. This was just my first run with him.

I hope to hear more tips on my other pages.

Thanks again