Letters to the Chronicle - I would love a crit or two

dave_hearn · 07-26-2008, 03:20 PM

This is a 5 page western. These characters and their stories have been in my head awhile and I finally decided to write a short piece about them.

Please, let me know what you think. I value everyone's opinion here and I would love to know how to improve. Is it interesting, do you like these characters, how is the craft of the story? Does it work for you?

Thanks for reading!

-Dave

Letters to the Chronicle
5 Pages
Writer: Dave Hearn

Page 1
Panel 1:
Establishing, overhead shot of a western town. The town is set in the Dakota Territory so the landscape is mountainous and wooded. Inside the town, the street is muddy and rutted from wear and the buildings have a “thrown together” look. The largest and most prominent building is the Dead Horse Saloon.

In the distance, a rider approaches.

Caption (handwritten)
Mr Barlow,
No doubt, you are surprised to hear from me as I am surprised to be writing this letter.

SFX – The handwritten captions have the look of crow-quill on yellowed paper (to signify age). The captions are written in a cursive, elegant hand as if by an educated person.

Bartender (from the Dead Horse Saloon)
Dammit, Whiskey! Get outta here, you’re stinkin’ up the place.

Whiskey (from the same building)
… needa drink…

SFX – Whiskey’s dialogue is written in a bubbly, splotchy font to represent his drunkenness.

Artist Note - Whiskey is filthy. Really filthy. His hair and beard are long, scraggly, matted and full of fleas. His clothes are little more than rags. The front of his shirt is stained with vomit and his pants are similarly messed. Whiskey’s right hand is mutilated, missing his entire little finger and the ring finger at the first knuckle.

Caption (handwritten)
Please accept my sincerest apologies. Since the War ended, I’ve been a bit…

Panel 2:
Whiskey is thrown out of the saloon. In the background, a man on horseback is tearing through the thoroughfare, kicking up dust in his wake.

Caption (handwritten)
… indisposed.

Panel 3:
Whiskey is knocked over by the man on the horse as he tries to stop. Bullets, fired from behind the rider, are racing past them

Caption (handwritten)
As you may have imagined, I have stumbled terribly since my ill-fated service to the North.

Panel 4:
The rider, a cowboy with a blindfold covering his eyes, offers Whiskey his hand.

Artist note - The Blind Gunfighter (BG for our purposes) wears a sweat-stained cowboy hat with a wide, flat, rim, worn pants, boots with spurs, simple cotton shirt, a worn duster and a blindfold made of long, threadbare, worn material that ties in the back. Underneath the blindfold are hints of scaring from his eye-sockets (which are empty). The scaring should be subtle. BG’s face is weathered. Holstered to his left hip is a Colt Dragoon (1841) single action pistol. Tucked into his gun-belt is a Colt Navy revolver (1860). Attached to his horse-tack are rope and a 6 ft wooden staff with two eagle feathers tied to one end.

Blind Gunfighter
Well, get up, ya dang fool!

Panel 5:
As Whiskey reaches to take BG’s hand, he is shot in the stomach from off-panel. Whiskey’s mutilated right hand is prominent in the panel.

Caption (handwritten)
But, recently, I’ve been lifted from my squalor and given new purpose…

Panel 6:
Men on horses ride into town, bullets whiz past Whiskey and BG

Caption (handwriting)
… though I am still uncertain as to the nature of this new purpose.

Page 2
Panel 1:
BG has Whiskey over his shoulder, blood pouring from his wound, they enter saloon.

Whiskey
OOF!!

Panel 2:
BG and Whiskey run up the stairs, past whores and drunk men, the bartender shouts after them.

Bartender
What the hell…!

Whiskey
Sweet Jesus!

Caption (handwritten)
The War Between the States carried me along it’s current…

Panel 3:
Looking up from the bottom of the stairs. Three men have entered the saloon, firing after BG. Whiskey passes out.

Whiskey
***

Caption (handwritten)
… it’s waves crushing me against the rocks of “freedom”…

Panel 4:
BG closes the door to a room as a bullet ricochet off the doorframe.

Caption (handwritten)
… until, finally, it brought me to Richmond…

Panel 5:
Inside the room – it’s a seedy room with walls of lathe – a whore and a cowboy in his skivvies are huddled by the wall at the head of a stained bed. The door splinters as it is kicked in.

Caption (handwritten)
… to General Sheridan’s pride…

Panel 6:
Looking from the outside, through a broken window, 3 men stand with guns drawn, Deputy Hendershot, Smiley and Marshal Lawless. Smiley is closest to the window and looking out.

Artist note - Deputy Hendershot; a small man with a bowler hat and a tweed suit with a US Deputy Marshall badge on his left lapel.
Smiley; a younger man with few teeth wearing a filthy duster
Marshal Lawless; a large man in a long, black duster, black hat and a scarf around his lower face. Marshal Lawless is missing his lower jaw (though that isn’t revealed in this story) so his scarf is soaked with drool. His eyes are angry, very angry. All the time. He is a menacing figure. On his jacket is a US Marshal Badge.

Smiley
I don’t see him, Marshal. It’s like he disappeared!!

Dep. Hendershot
… out through the damn window…

Caption (handwritten)
… to Gen. Jeb Stuart and Yellow Tavern.

Panel 7:
Wide panel – close up of Marshal Lawless’ eyes, nose and upper scarf – his eyes narrow to slits and he is obviously furious but makes no sound.

Caption (handwritten)
Truly, Mr. Barlow, there is genuine EVIL loose in the world.

Page 3
Panel 1:
Wide panel - establishing shot of a worn-down shack outside of town. Evening.

Caption (handwritten)
From then ‘til now lie a drunken maze, an inebriated fog…

Panel 2:
Whiskey’s POV, looking up at BG who is out of focus.

Panel 3:
Same as Panel 2 – BG is now in focus – he is chewing something.

Whiskey
What’s goin’… ?

Panel 4:
BG takes a wad of “chewed up” herbs out of his mouth.

BG
You’re a dead man. Dead men don’t talk none.
Dead men listen.

Panel 5:
Close up of BG pressing wad of chewed up stuff into Whiskey’s wound.

BG
Your life ain’t your own no more.

Panel 6:
Whiskey’s POV, looking up at BG – he is fading away and out of focus.

BG
You want to live again, you’ll do what I tell ya.

Caption (handwritten)
… I let the black envelop me, wanting to forget.

Page 4
Panel 1:
Whiskey’s POV, fading into focus is Marshal Lawless. The sunset is casting long shadows in the room.

Deputy Hendershot (off-panel)
Marshal Lawless wants to know where he is.

Panel 2:
Marshal Lawless has Whiskey by the lapels, violently slapping him with the back of his hand. Deputy Hendershot is lighting a cigarette and three goons are standing around with weapons out, Smiley is among them. Behind them, the door to the shack is off its hinges and looks “kicked in”.

Dep. Hendershot
The Marshal isn’t a patient man. Tell us where that blind piece of shit is!

Panel 3:
Whiskey’s nose and mouth are bleeding. There is a broken window behind him.

Whiskey
I... I don’t know… he was here…

Panel 4:
Close up of the broken window, footprints can be seen outside, leading away from the shack.

Dep. Hendershot (off panel)
Sumbitch got out through the window again! Come on boys, he can’t have gone far.

Panel 5:
Marshal Lawless holds Whiskey off the ground, their faces close.

Panel 6:
Whiskey hits the ground as Marshal Lawless walks away.

Panel 7:
Wide panel – Whiskey is alone in the shack.

Whiskey
He said I was dead…

Page 5
Panel 1:
Similar to Panel 7 from previous page. Floorboards fly upward, kicked from underneath by a booted foot wearing spurs.

Caption (handwritten)
As I stated, sir, I now have new life...

Panel 2:
BG is dusting himself off with one hand and helping Whiskey to his feet with the other.

BG
You can quit your gee-gawin’. They’re gone.

Panel 3:
Close up of BG – half-smile on his face.

BG
Listen up, Dead Man. If you’re gonna ride with me, we gotta warsh the stink off ya. Your breath alone could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon.

Panel 4:
Long thin panel – black with a caption box.

Caption (handwritten)
… and a shrouded purpose.

Panel 5:
Inside a post office. Whiskey, clean-shaven and wearing new clothes, stands in front of a service window covered in bars. A postal worker stands opposite.

Caption (handwritten)
If I may impose, my dear friend, I must ask a small favor.

Panel 6:
Close up of an envelope exchanging hands through the bars (Whiskey’s mutilated hand is prominent). The envelope reads:

Mr. Chester Barlow
Philadelphia Chronicle
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Caption (handwritten)
If you should see Emma, please make no mention of me. It is better that she believes her husband to be dead rather than a coward and a drunkard.

Panel 7:
Out on the street - daytime. BG and Whiskey mount horses.

BG
Well then, Dead Man, if you’re done scribblin’, we can get out of here.

Whiskey
Where are we headed?

Panel 8:
The two ride out of town (into the sunset, of course)

BG
Dead men don’t ask no questions.

Caption (handwritten)
As ever, your friend,
Littlefield, Jackson “Jack” 1871

knockedoutpanzer · 07-26-2008, 04:49 PM

It's got a real appeal. I'd like to see this. Lots of westerns have been done like Jonah Hex but this seems more than able to stand up well to any of those.

This is a good idea.Well handled. More!?

dave_hearn · 07-26-2008, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knockedoutpanzer

It's got a real appeal. I'd like to see this. Lots of westerns have been done like Jonah Hex but this seems more than able to stand up well to any of those.

This is a good idea.Well handled. More!?

Thanks, 'Panzer! It would be hard to get away from the obvious similarity to Jonah Hex (mostly due to the facial injury) but BG's got a few differences that aren't really addressed in this story.

1. He's not a bounty hunter or a cold-blooded killer (well, not anymore)

2. Hex rides alone. Whiskey (Jack) will be with him throughout his story. Their relationship will be "teacher and student".

3. Jonah Hex never really grows as a character. BG's story is a journey of atonement.

Thanks for the praise and I wish I had more to show you but this was the first step in finding voices for these characters. I'm past the "research and development" phase and the scripting has just begun.

If people want to read it, there will be more.

Then again, there will be more if people don't want to read it, too

I dig the story.

-Dave

knockedoutpanzer · 07-26-2008, 05:15 PM

i think the relationship between Whiskey and BG is what really make it stands out. You can understand immediately how it can work and why it would be an entertaining read.

Actually Hex wasn't what sprung to mind at first but David Carradine in the Long Riders!

dave_hearn · 07-26-2008, 05:23 PM

Looks like I've got movie to rent this weekend!

-Dave

RonaldMontgomery · 07-26-2008, 07:49 PM

Dave,
Thanks for inviting feedback. Just a few things to ask about...

Page 1
Is the rider approaching in panel 1 the same rider as in later panels? I'm not sure...

Why do you describe Whiskey in panel 1 when he doesn't appear until panel 2?

I like the font play.

"service to the North"...is this how union veterans described their military service?

Panel 3: You have Whiskey enaged in two actions--trying to stop and getting knocked over...and there are also bullets whizzing past. This is a lot for one panel.

I like the Blind Gunfighter. He's an interesting character, and from your description, one you've thought about a lot.

Panel 4: Would a man being chased and shot at stop to help a stranger? Why isn't he shooting back instead?

Panel 5: The drama in this panel is Whiskey getting shot, but you're emphasizing the hand...why? It takes the punch out of Whiskey's injury.

Page 2
I'm confused. In panel 2 BC and Whiskey are running up the stairs, but in panel 6 it reads like the lawmen are looking in a window at ground level. Did I miss something?

Marshal Lawless...this is another interesting character, but I struggle with the missing jaw.
While it's technically possible to live without a jaw, you probably wouldn't live very long. You'd have to be fed liquids through a tube into your stomach. Your health, and quality of life, would be very low.

Page 4
Why would the lawmen let an accomplice go?

Page 5
Why not hide Whiskey too?

You drop off on the SFX after the first 1-2 pages...why?

I thought you had strong page-turners. I can see the threads for later in the story.

Good luck!

P.S. What's Whiskey's motivation for writing a newspaper? Especially if he's supposed to be dead...?

07-26-2008, 03:20 PM	#1
dave_hearn back from the dead Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Hearn's Half-Acre, Ohio Posts: 95	Letters to the Chronicle - I would love a crit or two This is a 5 page western. These characters and their stories have been in my head awhile and I finally decided to write a short piece about them. Please, let me know what you think. I value everyone's opinion here and I would love to know how to improve. Is it interesting, do you like these characters, how is the craft of the story? Does it work for you? Thanks for reading! -Dave Letters to the Chronicle 5 Pages Writer: Dave Hearn Page 1 Panel 1: Establishing, overhead shot of a western town. The town is set in the Dakota Territory so the landscape is mountainous and wooded. Inside the town, the street is muddy and rutted from wear and the buildings have a “thrown together” look. The largest and most prominent building is the Dead Horse Saloon. In the distance, a rider approaches. Caption (handwritten) Mr Barlow, No doubt, you are surprised to hear from me as I am surprised to be writing this letter. SFX – The handwritten captions have the look of crow-quill on yellowed paper (to signify age). The captions are written in a cursive, elegant hand as if by an educated person. Bartender (from the Dead Horse Saloon) Dammit, Whiskey! Get outta here, you’re stinkin’ up the place. Whiskey (from the same building) … needa drink… SFX – Whiskey’s dialogue is written in a bubbly, splotchy font to represent his drunkenness. Artist Note - Whiskey is filthy. Really filthy. His hair and beard are long, scraggly, matted and full of fleas. His clothes are little more than rags. The front of his shirt is stained with vomit and his pants are similarly messed. Whiskey’s right hand is mutilated, missing his entire little finger and the ring finger at the first knuckle. Caption (handwritten) Please accept my sincerest apologies. Since the War ended, I’ve been a bit… Panel 2: Whiskey is thrown out of the saloon. In the background, a man on horseback is tearing through the thoroughfare, kicking up dust in his wake. Caption (handwritten) … indisposed. Panel 3: Whiskey is knocked over by the man on the horse as he tries to stop. Bullets, fired from behind the rider, are racing past them Caption (handwritten) As you may have imagined, I have stumbled terribly since my ill-fated service to the North. Panel 4: The rider, a cowboy with a blindfold covering his eyes, offers Whiskey his hand. Artist note - The Blind Gunfighter (BG for our purposes) wears a sweat-stained cowboy hat with a wide, flat, rim, worn pants, boots with spurs, simple cotton shirt, a worn duster and a blindfold made of long, threadbare, worn material that ties in the back. Underneath the blindfold are hints of scaring from his eye-sockets (which are empty). The scaring should be subtle. BG’s face is weathered. Holstered to his left hip is a Colt Dragoon (1841) single action pistol. Tucked into his gun-belt is a Colt Navy revolver (1860). Attached to his horse-tack are rope and a 6 ft wooden staff with two eagle feathers tied to one end. Blind Gunfighter Well, get up, ya dang fool! Panel 5: As Whiskey reaches to take BG’s hand, he is shot in the stomach from off-panel. Whiskey’s mutilated right hand is prominent in the panel. Caption (handwritten) But, recently, I’ve been lifted from my squalor and given new purpose… Panel 6: Men on horses ride into town, bullets whiz past Whiskey and BG Caption (handwriting) … though I am still uncertain as to the nature of this new purpose. Page 2 Panel 1: BG has Whiskey over his shoulder, blood pouring from his wound, they enter saloon. Whiskey OOF!! Panel 2: BG and Whiskey run up the stairs, past whores and drunk men, the bartender shouts after them. Bartender What the hell…! Whiskey Sweet Jesus! Caption (handwritten) The War Between the States carried me along it’s current… Panel 3: Looking up from the bottom of the stairs. Three men have entered the saloon, firing after BG. Whiskey passes out. Whiskey * Caption (handwritten) … it’s waves crushing me against the rocks of “freedom”… Panel 4: BG closes the door to a room as a bullet ricochet off the doorframe. Caption (handwritten) … until, finally, it brought me to Richmond… Panel 5: Inside the room – it’s a seedy room with walls of lathe – a whore and a cowboy in his skivvies are huddled by the wall at the head of a stained bed. The door splinters as it is kicked in. Caption (handwritten) … to General Sheridan’s pride… Panel 6: Looking from the outside, through a broken window, 3 men stand with guns drawn, Deputy Hendershot, Smiley and Marshal Lawless. Smiley is closest to the window and looking out. Artist note - Deputy Hendershot; a small man with a bowler hat and a tweed suit with a US Deputy Marshall badge on his left lapel. Smiley; a younger man with few teeth wearing a filthy duster Marshal Lawless; a large man in a long, black duster, black hat and a scarf around his lower face. Marshal Lawless is missing his lower jaw (though that isn’t revealed in this story) so his scarf is soaked with drool. His eyes are angry, very angry. All the time. He is a menacing figure. On his jacket is a US Marshal Badge. Smiley I don’t see him, Marshal. It’s like he disappeared!! Dep. Hendershot … out through the damn window… Caption (handwritten) … to Gen. Jeb Stuart and Yellow Tavern. Panel 7: Wide panel – close up of Marshal Lawless’ eyes, nose and upper scarf – his eyes narrow to slits and he is obviously furious but makes no sound. Caption (handwritten) Truly, Mr. Barlow, there is genuine EVIL loose in the world. Page 3 Panel 1: Wide panel - establishing shot of a worn-down shack outside of town. Evening. Caption (handwritten) From then ‘til now lie a drunken maze, an inebriated fog… Panel 2: Whiskey’s POV, looking up at BG who is out of focus. Panel 3: Same as Panel 2 – BG is now in focus – he is chewing something. Whiskey What’s goin’… ? Panel 4: BG takes a wad of “chewed up” herbs out of his mouth. BG You’re a dead man. Dead men don’t talk none. Dead men listen. Panel 5: Close up of BG pressing wad of chewed up stuff into Whiskey’s wound. BG Your life ain’t your own no more. Panel 6: Whiskey’s POV, looking up at BG – he is fading away and out of focus. BG You want to live again, you’ll do what I tell ya. Caption (handwritten) … I let the black envelop me, wanting to forget. Page 4 Panel 1: Whiskey’s POV, fading into focus is Marshal Lawless. The sunset is casting long shadows in the room. Deputy Hendershot (off-panel) Marshal Lawless wants to know where he is. Panel 2: Marshal Lawless has Whiskey by the lapels, violently slapping him with the back of his hand. Deputy Hendershot is lighting a cigarette and three goons are standing around with weapons out, Smiley is among them. Behind them, the door to the shack is off its hinges and looks “kicked in”. Dep. Hendershot The Marshal isn’t a patient man. Tell us where that blind piece of shit is! Panel 3: Whiskey’s nose and mouth are bleeding. There is a broken window behind him. Whiskey I... I don’t know… he was here… Panel 4: Close up of the broken window, footprints can be seen outside, leading away from the shack. Dep. Hendershot (off panel) Sumbitch got out through the window again! Come on boys, he can’t have gone far. Panel 5: Marshal Lawless holds Whiskey off the ground, their faces close. Panel 6: Whiskey hits the ground as Marshal Lawless walks away. Panel 7: Wide panel – Whiskey is alone in the shack. Whiskey He said I was dead… Page 5 Panel 1: Similar to Panel 7 from previous page. Floorboards fly upward, kicked from underneath by a booted foot wearing spurs. Caption (handwritten)** As I stated, sir, I now have new life... Panel 2: BG is dusting himself off with one hand and helping Whiskey to his feet with the other. BG You can quit your gee-gawin’. They’re gone. Panel 3: Close up of BG – half-smile on his face. BG Listen up, Dead Man. If you’re gonna ride with me, we gotta warsh the stink off ya. Your breath alone could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon. Panel 4: Long thin panel – black with a caption box. Caption (handwritten) … and a shrouded purpose. Panel 5: Inside a post office. Whiskey, clean-shaven and wearing new clothes, stands in front of a service window covered in bars. A postal worker stands opposite. Caption (handwritten) If I may impose, my dear friend, I must ask a small favor. Panel 6: Close up of an envelope exchanging hands through the bars (Whiskey’s mutilated hand is prominent). The envelope reads: Mr. Chester Barlow Philadelphia Chronicle Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Caption (handwritten) If you should see Emma, please make no mention of me. It is better that she believes her husband to be dead rather than a coward and a drunkard. Panel 7: Out on the street - daytime. BG and Whiskey mount horses. BG Well then, Dead Man, if you’re done scribblin’, we can get out of here. Whiskey Where are we headed? Panel 8: The two ride out of town (into the sunset, of course) BG Dead men don’t ask no questions. Caption (handwritten) As ever, your friend, Littlefield, Jackson “Jack” 1871

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07-26-2008, 04:49 PM	#2
knockedoutpanzer Hails Cthulhu! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: england Posts: 970	It's got a real appeal. I'd like to see this. Lots of westerns have been done like Jonah Hex but this seems more than able to stand up well to any of those. This is a good idea.Well handled. More!?

07-26-2008, 05:15 PM	#4
knockedoutpanzer Hails Cthulhu! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: england Posts: 970	i think the relationship between Whiskey and BG is what really make it stands out. You can understand immediately how it can work and why it would be an entertaining read. Actually Hex wasn't what sprung to mind at first but David Carradine in the Long Riders!

07-26-2008, 05:23 PM	#5
dave_hearn back from the dead Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Hearn's Half-Acre, Ohio Posts: 95	Looks like I've got movie to rent this weekend! -Dave

07-26-2008, 07:49 PM	#6
RonaldMontgomery Mass Transit Ethnographer Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the heart of the heart of the country. Posts: 1,344	Dave, Thanks for inviting feedback. Just a few things to ask about... Page 1 Is the rider approaching in panel 1 the same rider as in later panels? I'm not sure... Why do you describe Whiskey in panel 1 when he doesn't appear until panel 2? I like the font play. "service to the North"...is this how union veterans described their military service? Panel 3: You have Whiskey enaged in two actions--trying to stop and getting knocked over...and there are also bullets whizzing past. This is a lot for one panel. I like the Blind Gunfighter. He's an interesting character, and from your description, one you've thought about a lot. Panel 4: Would a man being chased and shot at stop to help a stranger? Why isn't he shooting back instead? Panel 5: The drama in this panel is Whiskey getting shot, but you're emphasizing the hand...why? It takes the punch out of Whiskey's injury. Page 2 I'm confused. In panel 2 BC and Whiskey are running up the stairs, but in panel 6 it reads like the lawmen are looking in a window at ground level. Did I miss something? Marshal Lawless...this is another interesting character, but I struggle with the missing jaw. While it's technically possible to live without a jaw, you probably wouldn't live very long. You'd have to be fed liquids through a tube into your stomach. Your health, and quality of life, would be very low. Page 4 Why would the lawmen let an accomplice go? Page 5 Why not hide Whiskey too? You drop off on the SFX after the first 1-2 pages...why? I thought you had strong page-turners. I can see the threads for later in the story. Good luck! P.S. What's Whiskey's motivation for writing a newspaper? Especially if he's supposed to be dead...?