|07-04-2008, 02:04 PM||#1|
Join Date: Apr 2006
Untitled "Cowboy" Script (7 Pages)
Ok, I posted that Laviathans script 2 days ago, and I shouldn't have posted the whole thing at once. I get that. I'd like to delete the entire thread and start over in 5 page bursts, but I don't know how to go about doing that.
What I have here is something I wrote a few days ago. If I had to throw out a high concept pitch for it I might say "Mad Max meets The Cowboy Way". I'd love to get some feedback on how these seven pages flow. For pitching purposes I intend to get the artist to draw all seven of these pages for the pitch. It could stop on page 5, but page 6 and 7 set up the major antagonists to the story, and I think the pitch will be better for having them in there, and 5 pages is alway stressed as the "minimum" so I don't think 7 pages would be frowned on...do you?
P1. Wide shot. A long dusty highway. The sides of the road are bare, save for a barb-wire fence, or a long dead tree. The sun is beating down on the road, and in the distance, a classic 1957 Chevy Bel-Air convertible is a mere dot on the page. Dust flies up around it.
Caption: The whole world went to shit about five years ago.
Caption: ‘fore that, I made my money with the rodeo.
P2. Same Wide shot, but now the vehicle is closer, and we can almost see the figure driving. His silhouette shows us a cowboy hat is on his head.
Caption: Like a bunch a travelin’ freaks we’d make our way from town to town.
Caption: I’d shoot my guns, people would cheer. I’d get paid.
Caption: Not a half bad way to live.
P3. Same wide shot, even closer now, We can see his face. He’s a grizzled cowboy in need of a shave. He’s wearing big sun glasses, and has sideburns that take up a good portion of his face. His hat is old and worn.
Caption: Up in Vegas I met a showgirl named Trixie. We spent some time together.
Caption: Nine months later I was a daddy.
Caption: I aint’ heard nothin’ from ‘em since we lost the phones and everything when the world fell apart.
P4. Close up of the cowboy, the road is now behind him, and you can only see it through the cloud of dust his car is kicking up.
Caption: I ain’t seen my baby girl in almost five years.
Caption: I aim to change that.
Caption: Name’s Floyd Cross. Most people call me....
P1. Splash page. In the foreground we see the back the Bel-Air with Cowboy in the driver’s seat, he’s heading into Memphis, TN. In the distance we can see what’s left of the city. It’s not completely ruined, but it looks run down and looted. There is a large hand painted sign directly under the Memphis City Limits sign on the left hand side of the page that reads: “YES! WE HAVE GAS!”
Caption: “The Cowboy”
Caption: Gas is gettin’ hard to come by. Money’s gettin’ even harder.
P1. Establishing shot of a 1950’s styled diner. It’s silver, and has that classic look, but there is a dirtiness, and a run down feeling to it as well. The Bel-Air is parked out front.
P2. The cowboy walks in the front door, a chain smoking waitress with a dirty apron and glasses looks at him like he’s really pissing her off by being there.
Waitress: Can I help you stranger?
Cowboy: Yes ma’am.
I’d like a cup of coffee an’ a bite to eaf if you got anything.
Waitress: We got a meat burger. I ain’t sayin’ what kind.
Cowboy: “Meat burger” it is.
P3. The Cowboy is sitting at the bar, the waitress is behind the bar pouring him coffee into a well worn cup.
Cowboy: There any work around here?
Waitress: There ain’t much a nothin’ around here.
P4. Close up of the Cowboy drinking his coffee.
Cowboy: Seems to be that way everywhere these days.
P5. We see a shadowy figure that looks like Elvis open the door of the diner.
Elvis: Hey there little momma...
Splash Page: A pot-bellied man in an Elvis jumper wearing a plastic Elvis halloween mask over his obviously scarred face stands in the doorway. He has a gun pointed at the waitress, and is holding a bag in his other hand....it is covered in sequins.
Elvis: Why don’t you hold yer pretty little hands up for me, and put all yer money in my shiny bag.
This here’s a stick up...
P1. The masked Elvis steps up to the counter with this gun pointed at the waitress. Cowboy sits quietly, sipping his coffee.
P2. Over the Elvis’s shoulder we see the waitress with a sour look on her face handing the man the bag of cash.
Elvis: Thank you....thank you very much.
P3. As Elvis turns to walk away we see Cowboy reaching for the gun in his left holster with his left hand.
P4. Cowboy wraps his arm around his body so that the barrel is pointing behind him. He is still sipping his coffee with his free hand.
P5. Wide shot. On the left hand side of the page we see Elvis taking two shots in the back, his bag flies into the air, and the money falls out. On the right hand side we see Cowboy has done the shooting without even looking.
P6. From Elvis’ POV on the floor we see the Waitress looking down at him, a scowl still on her face.
Waitress: You probably shouldn’t have done that.
P1. The Cowboy stands up, he’s done with his coffee.
Cowboy: Why not?
P2. Medium shot of the waitress - that sour look just won’t go away.
Waitress: That was a King.
Ya don’t mess with the Kings. Not in Memphis.
P3. Back to the POV of the Elvis laying dead on the floor. We see both the waitress and The Cowboy standing over him.
Cowboy: Well, the little ass bag looks thoroughly “messed” with to me, and I could give two shits if he’s got some butt buddies that’ll be pissed off about it.
Waitress: You’re a very eloquent man.
P4. Same shot as P3, but now the waitress is walking back to the grill, off camera.
Cowboy: I try.
Where’s my meat burger?
Waitress: Comin’ right up.
P5. Medium shot of the waitress as she slaps the meat onto a stale looking bun.
P6. She hands The Cowboy a brown paper sack with the burger inside.
Waitress: You’re having it “to go”.
The King’s be by soon, and I ain’t sticking around.
P1. Wide shot. In the foreground we can see the dead Elvis. In the background The Cowboy is turned to walk away, while the waitress is still talking and pointing at the dead Elvis body on the floor.
Waitress: And take him with you. I can’t cleanin’ that up.
Cowboy: Yes, ma’am.
P2. Wide shot. On the left hand side is the Cowboy’s Bel-Air, on the right hand side is the Diner. The only real light is from the diner itself, so the Cowboy, who is walking towards his car in the middle of the frame (with a dead Elvis over his shoulder) is mostly in shadow.
|07-05-2008, 01:40 PM||#3|
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Toronto, Canada
Here’s my two cents. I liked the idea of the Elvis gang in Memphis, and the pacing of the story moves along nicely. I generally dig what you’re trying to do so far, especially the captions on the first page. They have a good rhythm. A 7 page submission shouldn’t be a probably unless the publisher stresses they only want to see the first 5. Follow the guidelines, that’s why they post them. Below are some things I noticed with the script which you might want to tweak to make it stronger.
On page 1, panel 3 and 4 feel a little redundant, you might want to combine them and shift the captions so they fit the page. With page 3 panel 1 you should indicate where the cowboy’s located. You also have a lot of dialogue when he comes through the door. Consider moving the discussion of the meat burger to the next panel when’s he’s sitting down. There shouldn’t be so much dialogue coming through a doorway. Not sure you need the line “This here’s a stick up”. Sure it’s nostalgic and maybe an Elvis impersonator would say it but I’m not sure it’s a good fit with the overall setting you’re establishing. Page 6 panel 3 the cowboys dialogue sounds forced. Try to smooth it out. Page 7 panel 1, did you mean “I ain’t cleanin’ that up.”?
After reading it over I’m not sure you need the 7th page as part of the submission. The first 6 should do. Best of luck with it.