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View Full Version : My first script Norm


billymcenery
09-22-2006, 03:44 PM
I would really like some honest feedback thanks Here's the first few pages. I hope that it gets the reader to ask questions about the world the characters live in . Anybody wants to read more, email me. I defenitly would like to work with an artist and get it published.


norm Issue 1 pg 1 Six Panels

Panel 1.A frontal shot of Norm walking on a sidewalk. Heís carrying a suitcase and backpack. Heís cold and numb. His face has a blank expression. His eyes should look as if he sees the reader.

NORM: ALL YOUR LIFE ITíS POUNDED INTO YOUR HEAD: STUDY HARD. GO TO COLLEGE. GET A JOB. FALL IN LOVE. START A FAMILY. DIE OLD AND GRAY.

Panel 2. Similar shot as panel 1. Normís a little closer to the reader.

NORM: WELL, IT WAS THAT WAY WITH ME. I KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE AND CULTURES EXPECT DIFFERENT THINGS FROM THEIR MEMBERS OF SOCIETY.

Panel 3. A side shot of Norm standing on a street corner. Heís still looking at the reader. On the side of a building thereís a poster with The Savior on it. It reads WWSD What Would the Savior Do

NORM: MY POINT IS THAT EVEN BEFORE YOUíRE BORN, THERE ARE EXPECTATIONS OF WHO YOU WILL BE, AND A PLAN IS SET ON HOW YOUR LIFE WILL PAN OUT. THESE PLANS ARE MADE BY YOUR PARENTS, THE GOVERNMENT, AND RELIGION. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE THERE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND GIVE YOU ADVICE WHEN YOU DONíT WANT IT.

Panel 4. A donít walk sign.

Panel 5. Norm steps off the curb, still talking to the reader. Behind him, a truck his heading his way.

NORM: SOMETIMES THESE PLANS WORK, MOST OF THE TIME THEY DONíT. ESPECIALLY FOR ME, AND ESPECIALLY IN MY WORLD.

Panel 6. A closeup of Norm noticing the truck.

NORM: OH SNAP!

Panel 7. A blur picks up Norm right before the truck hits him.

SFX: HONNNNKKK

BLUR: HOLD ON SONNY.








norm Issue 1 pg 2 Four Panels

Panel 1. An old lady is holding Norm. He looks surprised.

OLD LADY: GOTTA BE CAREFUL THERE, SONNY.

Panel 2. The old lady is putting Norm down.

NORM: GEE THANKS, I GUESS MY HEAD WAS IN THE CLOUDS.

Panel 3. Closeup of the old lady.

OLD LADY: NO PROBLEM, SONNY. JUST BE CAREFUL CAUSE...

Panel 4. A wide shot of the town. Norm is in the center of the panel. The old lady takes off leaving a blur. People are flying. Construction workers are carrying steel girders. There are blurs on the side walk..Add any super type people you want.

OLD LADYíS BLUR: ... ITíS A WACKY WORLD.

NORM: NO SHIT.
























norm Issue 1 pg 3 Seven Panels
Panel 1. Norm has walked into a suburban area, talking to the reader. The houses are the same. A person with super speed goes by, big smile, heís walking a dog, but because of the speed the dog is flying in the air behind him. The dog is basically getting choked and doesnít look happy, Its tongue hangs out of its mouth, its eyes bug out a bit.

NORM: LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR SOME PEOPLE THOSE PLANS WORK OUT. THEYíRE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK WITH REGRETS. I TRIED IT AND FOUND OUT IT WASNíT QUITE FOR ME.

Panel 2. A shot from behind Norm as he walks up to his house. The door frames him.

NORM: NOW I GOT TO TELL MY PARENTS.

Panel 3. Our credits. DOORS PART1(of 4) Story Billy Mc Enery Art ?
Panel 4. Normís point of view. He sees his hand knocking.

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK

Panel 5. The door half opens, a large silhouette appears.

SILHOUETTE: OH...

Panel 6. The door opens, and its Normís dad. Heís a big, intimidating guy who always looks serious.

DAD:HELLO SON.

Panel 7. Norm follows his dad inside the house. His mother is there, excited to see Norm.

NORM: DAD..HIYA MA

MOM: NORM, WHAT A SURPRISE. WHY ARE YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL? IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT? OF COURSE - SOMETHING IS WRONG, I CAN TELL.












norm Issue1 pg 4 Six Panels

Panel 1. Norm hugs his mom. His father is in a chair reading the paper, he holds so his face canít be seen. A headline about the Black Sheep appears with a picture of a silhouette on a building top. Headline reads: PROOF OF EXISTENCE OF THE BLACK SHEEP

NORM: I COULD NEVER HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOU.

Panel 2. Close up of Norm. His eyes look down.

NORM: IíM DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE.

Panel 3. - Panel 6. These are all basically the same . Norm and his mother sit ting on a couch. The only thing that changes is the reactions by the mother. Sheís very sympathetic, and Norm sits there staring at the floor.

Panel 3.

MOM: OH BABY, TELL US WHATíS WRONG. MAYBE WE CAN HELP.

Panel 4.

NORM: ITS JUST..AFTER THREE YEARS OF SCHOOL, I ..I DONíT KNOW IF ITS REALLY WHAT I WANT. ITS TAKEN ALL THE FUN OUT OF MY ART...

Panel 5.

NORM: ...AND ITíS REALLY HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, AND A GIRLFRIEND.
NORM: IíD KILL FOR A DATE

Panel 6.

NORM: IíM JUST NOT HAPPY

MOM: ITíS OK, HONEY. YOU CAN COME HOME. YOUR FATHER AND I WILL SUPPORT YOUR DECISION.
MOM: RIGHT DEAR?





norm Issue 1 pg 5 Ten Panels

Panel 1. Shot of dad reading the paper

NORM:(OP) DAD?

Panel 2. Dad looks over the paper.

DAD: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?

Panel 3.- Panel 6. These are all head shots of Normís dad pissed off.

Panel 3.
DAD I THINK YOUíRE A PUSSY

Panel 4.
DAD QUIT YOUR WHINING.

Panel 5.DAD YOUíRE NOT HAPPY? TOUGH. LIFE IS HARD AND I DIDNíT RAISE YOU TO GIVE UP SO EASILY.

Panel 6.
DAD: SHIT, I íM KIDDING MYSELF. YOU WERE DESTINED FOR NOTHING, FACT ON YOU BEING DIFFERENT AND ALL.

Panel 7- Panel 9. Shots of Norm. Now heís pissed off.

Panel 7.
NORM: DIFFERENT, HUH? IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO THAT.

Panel 8.
NORM IíM SORRY I CANíT FLY, THAT IíM WEAK, THAT IíM SLOW. IíM SORRY IíM A POWERLESS FREAK.

Panel 9.
NORM SCREW THIS. IíM OUTTA HERE.

Panel 10. Norm storms out the door. His dad goes back to reading the paper. His mom is crying.

MOM: ITíS ALL MY FAULT! I SHOULDNíT HAVE SMOKED THAT JOINT WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM!



norm Issue 1 pg 6 Seven Panels

Panel 1. Side shot of Norm outside on his porch. He kicks a potted plant.

SFX: SLAMMM

NORM : BASTARD!

Panel 2. Norm is framed by the door, looking down.

SFX: KKRASSHH

JUMBO(OP): HEY NORMY BOY

Panel 3. Jumbo is standing behind a fence. Heís huge , ten feet tall and wide.

JUMBO: WHUTCHA DOIN HOME,BUDDY.

Panel 4. Norm looks over to Jumbo, heís happy to see him.

NORM: JUMBO, ITS ALONG STORY...

Panel 5. Norm is looking up to Jumbo, telling his story..They are separated by a fence.

NORM: ...AND NOW HEíS BEING A PRICK, EVEN MORE THAN USUAL.

Panel 6. Jumbo scratching his head.

JUMBO: MAN THAT SUCKS, BUT I GOT A SOLUTION.

JUMBO: LETS GET LOADED

Panel 7. Norm gets a grin on his face..

NORM: HEEELLL YEEAA!











norm Issue 1 pg 7 Six Panels

Panel 1- Panel 6. Norm and Jumbo are sitting on a couch in Jumboís basement, watching tv and drinking beers.

Panel 1.
TV: ...AND THE VIGILANTE KNOWN AS THE BLACK SHEEP STRUCK AGAIN LAST NIGHT, LEAVING A WITNESS...

Panel 2.
NORM: IMAGINE SOME FOOL DRESSING UP AND FIGHTING CRIME. HE COULD HAVE JUST JOINED THE POLICE.

JUMBO: DUDEíS CRAZY

TV: ..THIS IS UNUSUAL, FOR MOST PEOPLE SUSPECTED OF HAVING A RUN IN WITH THE BLACK SHEEP END UP DEAD...

Panel 3.
TV: ...THIS MARKS THE SECOND CONFIRMED SIGHTING OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN A WEEK. UNTIL THEN, BLACK SHEEP WAS JUST A MYTH GOING BACK OVER A CENTURY. WITH THESE SIGHTINGS, THE SAVIOR ONLY KNOWS WHATíS NEXT.

JUMBO: MAN, CHANGE THE CHANNEL. THE NEWS IS A BUNCH Aí BULL.

Panel 4.

NORM: SWEET, THE SIMPSONS.

JUMBO: THANK THE SAVIOR THIS SURVIVED THE ARMAGEDDON

NORM: HELL YES. THAT AND ALL OF JURASSIC 5'S ALBUMS

billymcenery
09-30-2006, 03:13 PM
what nobody has nothing to say Is it that lame

Mingusfingaz
09-30-2006, 05:05 PM
Seems like a good idea (slice-of-life in a supertown), but your style kinda lacks, ummm... style, in my opinion.

Norm is normal.

Jumbo is big.

Mom loves Norm.

Dad is a big meany.
No surprises.

Jumbo is not, in and of itself a compelling name for a big guy.What if Jumbo was 2 guys named Mike and Mini-mike Both share a telepathic connection, and only one is huge. Or both are huge and they fight over which one is the Mini-mike. Just calling a big guy Jumbo (aren't there alot of big guys in supertown? Is Jumbo the biggest and that's why they call him jumbo?) smacks of not trying to me. If I was a big guys friend for as long as these two seem to have been friends I'd've come up with alot funnier names.

Now the cursing:You've got this nice wholsome plot in a nice wholesome town, and I'd grow to like the place if everybody didn't greet everybody like, "hey, fucker". I guess in my opinion the cursing in this just seems tacked on in an effort to be genuine. People curse, Icurse more than mos people, and my wife curses like a drunken sailor. But in dialouge ike this cursing carrieas a little more weight and so should be germain to the convwersation. It should have a reason for being included.

All thast fun crap aside, I liked Norm talking to the reader, kinda. It seems like you had this great idea, normal guy in a supertown, and didn't know how to make it pop. Maybe as a rough Idea, not a rough draft, this is good, but i'd go back and reread it, take a look at your syntax, and take another crack at the idea before you call it a draft.

d13
09-30-2006, 05:48 PM
I really like the idea you had for the story. I think the idea of showing a normal persons view of powered people and what it's like being around them and in their shadows is great. But I agree with Mingusfingaz about the names of the characters.

darkreaver
10-02-2006, 01:35 AM
I have no problem with your story, but the dialogue length is something that many people will look at and get turned off. It is hard enough place dialogue, but to put in a paragraph will be one masterful job.

Eric Palicki
10-02-2006, 09:40 AM
I agree with what's been said above. The tossed off explanation for his normalcy (Mom smoked a joint) seems forced. I think you should leave this to the reader's imagination. It doesn't really need to be explicit. Or, if you feel it does, then the information could be presented a little more smoothly. Something like:

MOM: It's my goddamn fault.

DAD: You've been saying that for twenty years now, and it hasn't changed a thing. You think you're the only one who ever smoked pot? Powers or no, that boy's no good.

Or something...

Mingusfingaz
10-02-2006, 03:02 PM
Isn't the joint thing just a joke? Man, I hope so.

billymcenery
10-05-2006, 08:51 PM
thanks for the feed back guys

The joint thing is a joke an definetly not the reason fro Norm's "condition"

I have a pretty fleshed out story. So just this small part is probably confusing. The swearing is well is my attempt to "darken the story" It would defineitly be for a mature audience, but I see your point. Sometimes an overuse of cursing is reddundent

I'll defintely take all your ideas into consideration.
Thanks again