PDA

View Full Version : Blade of Fire (Or something like that)


JonHParrish
09-20-2006, 05:09 AM
I've been on a streak of finishing stories I wasn't able to finish before. This was a story that was in my head and I started, but couldn't finish. I just finished it recently along with some other stories. Well, enjoy. All comments are welcome.

Blade of Fire #1

[Page 1][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of an open field. There are several knights dead on the ground. Some have blue armor and some have silver.

VOICE 1: This is a tragic day for the kingdom of Kelvim.

VOICE 2: Why is that ? We won the battle and pushed DRAMís forces back into the mountains.

VOICE 1 (2): But at what cost ? We lost more men on this day than any other.

Panel 2: A close-up of one of the corpses on the ground. Itís a knight on his back with a look of complete horror on his face. His eyes are rolled to the back of his head.

VOICE 1: Many of these men had families. They were husbands and fathers that will never return home.

VOICE 2 (op): But they died fighting for their kingdom. Their families should be able to find comfort in that.

Panel 3: Pan back to show two pairs of shoes. The first pair are larger and metallic as if a part of armor. The second pair are more bootlike (leather with rubber soles).

VOICE 1: Really ?

Panel 4: A two shot of TIL and his father GENERAL VOL FIREBLADE. TIL is a young man in his late-teens (sixteen, seventeen) with a long red braided pony tail. Heís wearing a blue short-sleeved shirt and brown pants with a regular sword on his waist. VOL is decked out in silverish armor with a large sword strapped to his back (a claymore). He has short red hair and a long red beard. VOL is holding his helmet under his arm and looking over at his son, who is looking down in shame.

VOL: Even if they believed that, it wonít take away the loss they would feel. Would you be as understanding if a man brought news of my death ?

TIL: No. Forgive me, father.

Panel 5: A close-up VOL. He has a slight understanding smile on his face.

VOL: I forgive you, son.

Panel 6: A shot of two shovels sticking out of the dirt.

VOL(op): You still have a lot to learn about life. Thatís why I show you these things.

CAP: GENERAL FIREBLADE, Iím glad to see youíre still alive.

[Page 2][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A medium shot of queen looking downward.

QUEEN: Iíd feared the worst when you didnít return back with the troops.

VOL(op): My apologies your highness.....

Panel 2: A side shot of VOL kneeling, heís covered in dirt.

VOL: I was just repaying a debt to my men.

Panel 3: A over the shoulder shot from behind the QUEEN. VOL is in the background at the bottom of a small flight of steps.

QUEEN: You know, we do have gravediggers to take care of that. You donít have to bury them, yourself.

VOL: I know, but I felt that if they were willing risk their lives for me, the least I could do was give them proper burials.

Panel 4: A medium shot of VOL withn his eyes closed. He looks very upset.

QUEEN: I understand how much you respect your men, but I need information as soon as possible. Now tell me, how do things look.

Panel 5: A reverse angle of the QUEEN. She looks slightly upset.

VOL(op): Not good, your highness. In fact, if the attacks continue as they have....

[Page 3][5 Panels]

Panel 1: An establishing shot of the royal baths. It has a slightly Greek feel to it. There are large pillars and a large pool of steaming hot water.

CAP(VOL): we will not see the end of this week.

Panel 2: A medium shot TIL, apparently nude, the water comes up to his chest, relaxing with his back against the edge of the pool. His eyes are closed but his head is tilted towards the ceiling.

TIL: Sigh.

Panel 3: A side shot of TIL looking up at the ceiling.

TIL: I wonder if I will ever understand what father is trying to show me ?

Panel 4: A shot of the ceiling from TILís POV. There is a large carving of a dragon being killed, stabbed through the throat by a single knight. It is surrounded by golden borders.

TIL: What is it I donít understand ?

Panel 5: Angle on same. A shot of TIL with one eye open looking back behind him.

VOICE(op): What are you doing in here ?

[Page 4][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A full shot of PRINCESS VALLA standing in a long white robe. Her long blond hair is flowing down her shoulders. She has bluish grey eyes.

TIL(op): Princess ?

VALLA: I asked you a question.

Panel 2: A side shot of TIL looking up at her in slight annoyance.

TIL: I didnít know I couldnít be in here. Iíll leave.

VALLA(op): Please. Donít get out on my behalf.

Panel 3: An upward bust shot of VALLA looking down at him with her arms crossed.

VALLA: Do you mind turning around ?

TIL(op): Sorry.

Panel 4: A bust shot of TIL in the water rolling his eyes.

TIL(thought): Great. Just when I relax, who should show up ? Just the spoiled princess. What else could happen ?

SFX: Splash !

Panel 5: A close up of TIL looking over to his right.

Panel 6: Angle on same. TIL looks slughtly shocked.

TIL: Princess ?

[Page 5][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A medium shot of VALLA at the edge of the pool from the shoulders up. The steam from the water is rising around her.

VALLA: What are you looking at ?

Panel 2: A sideshot of TIL looking down at the water nervously.

TIL: Nothing !

Panel 3: A bust shot of VALLA looking at him suspiciously.

VALLA: No matter, I actually have something to discuss with you.

Panel 4: A two shot of TIL looking over at VALLA in curiosity.

TIL: With me ?

VALLA: Iím going to go to a banquet thrown together by PRINCE PHILLIP.

TIL: Why are you telling me ?

Panel 5: A side shot of TIL looking at VALLA in protest.

VALLA: You are going to be my escort and bodyguard.

TIL: What ? Why ?!

VALLA 2: What do you mean why ? Because I ordered you to.

[Page 6][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot of TIL shaking his head.

TIL: No offense, Princess, but I donít take orders from you and I never will.

Panel 2: A side shot of VALLA looking at him in anger.

VALLA: Is that so ?

Panel 3: A shot of her getting into his face.

VALLA: Well, no offense TIL, but when Iím queen, you will have to follow my orders.

TIL: What makes you think I plan on living that long ? I could die before then and still not have to follow your orders.

Panel 4: A close-up of TIL looking at her.

TIL: The fact is that you are not the queen now. Even if you were, I only take orders from my father.

Panel 5: A bust shot of TIL getting out of the bath. The princess has her back turned to him.

TIL: I think Iíll be leaving now.

Panel 6: A bust shot of VALLA looking up at the ceiling.
VALLA: He only takes orders from his father. Well....

[Page 7][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A medium shot of TIL he looks very upset.

CAP: Weíll see about that.

VALLA(op): Donít be upset, TIL....

Panel 2: A side shot of TIL driving the carriage. VALLA her head poked out the window.

VALLA: I just had to prove that no matter what you think, you will have to follow my orders.

Panel 3: A bust shot of TIL with his eyes closed and a scowl on his face.

VALLA(op): So you might as well just enjoy the ride.

Panel 4: An upward shot from behind the carriage. MARO SWIFTFOOT cloaked in dark robes that hides their faces and crouching in the tree ahead of the carriage.

VALLA: In fact you should be honored by the fact that I wanted you to be my bodyguard.

Panel 5: A side shot of MARO leaping off of the branch onto the carriage.

VALLA: That means that I trust you to keep me safe.

[Page 8][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of him landing on the carriage.

Panel 2: A shot of the him crawling along the top of the carriage.

Panel 3: An upward shot of MARO preparing to attack TIL.

Panel 4: An over the shoulder shot of TIL looking back.

TIL: Does your father know that you are out sneaking around in the forest ?

Panel 5: A shot of MARO standing there in shock.

MARO: How did you know ?

TIL(op): I could smell you for quite some time.

Panel 6: MARO hanging his head in shame.

MARO: Well, I guess I have gone a few more weeks than usual without bathing.

[Page 9][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of MARO sitting next to TIL and pulling his hood down. Heís a young man a little older than TIL with short brown hair and blue eyes. He has elvish features.

CAP: MARO SWIFTFOOT, the son of GENERAL VOLís second-in-command MIRO. One of TILís closest friends.

TIL: What were you doing so far from home anyway ?

MARO: I overheard your conversation with your father and decided you might need my assistance in guarding the princess. Is that a crime ?

Panel 2: A shot of TIL with a smirk on his face.

TIL: No. I just thought it was strange due to the fact that normally you can be found in the Queens bedchambers.

Panel 3: A shot of MARO looking at TIL in fear.

MARO: Quiet. Do you want to princess to know ?

TIL: I think she has a right to know who her mother shares a bed with.

Panel 4: A side shot of MARO looking at the reader in shock.

MARO: You wouldnít dare.

Panel 5: A side shot of TIL with a small grin on his face.

TIL: Donít worry. She cannot hear our conversation. If she did she would probably shriek. Thatís what sheís known for.

Panel 6: A two shot of TIL and MARO looking very frightened and slightly in pain.

VALLA: Youíd be surprised how calm I am when I need to be, TIL FIREBLADE.

Panel 7: Angle on same. MARO is looking at TIL mockingly.

MARO: She canít hear us...

TIL: Well......

Panel 8: A shot of a nice very extravagant castle in the distance.

TIL: At least the castle isnít that far away.

JonHParrish
09-21-2006, 12:41 AM
[Page 10][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of TIL helping VALLA out of her carriage.

TIL: Here we are.

VALLA: Itís about time.

Panel 2: A shot of VALLA with her nose in the air. MARO is in the background looking very nervous.

VALLA: MARO....

MARO: Y-yes?

VALLA 2: Watch the horses. TIL you are coming inside with me.

Panel 3: A shot of her dragging TIL into the castle. Two guards are at the door. MARO is in the background waving at TIL.

MARO: Good luck.

TIL: Iíll need it.

Panel 4: A wide angle shot of TIL and VALLA walking down a bright hallway filled with extravagant decorations.

TIL: Where are all of the other guests ? I havenít seen one person since we got here.

VALLA: They are probably all in the ballroom.

Panel 5: A shot of TIL and VALLA standing before a great staircase leading up to a man standing there with open arms.

PRINCE PHILLIP: Now that youíve arrived, the banquet can actually start.

Panel 6: A bust shot of of PRINCE PHILLIP. A handsome young man with long brown hair tied back into a ponytail.

PRINCE PHILLIP: Greetings, PRINCESS VALLA.

[Page 11][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of PHILLIP kissing VALLAís hand as TIL watches.

VALLA: Thank you for inviting me.

PHILLIP: No. Thank you for gracing us with your beauty.

Panel 2: A shot of PHILLIP looking over at TIL.

PHILLIP: And who might you be ?

Panel 3: A medium shot of TIL extending his hand respectfully.

TIL: I am TIL, son of General VOL FIREBLADE. It is an honor walk the halls of great warriors.

Panel 4: A side shot of PHILLIP looking down at TILís extended hand in arrogance.

Panel 5: Angle on same. PHILLIP now has his back turned to TIL with his nose in the air. TIL looks slightly angered by this gesture.

PHILLIP: Well, now that we have gotten the formalites out of the way...

Panel 6: A shot of him pushing open the great doors. TIL and VALLA are standing behind him. TIL still looks upset and VALLA seems very curious.

PHILLIP: I would like to welcome you to my home.

Panel 7: A shot of TIL and VALLA both looking at the reader in amazement.

[Page 12][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A panoramic shot of the ballroom. It is filled with many people who all look very noble and are dressed extravagantly.

Panel 2: A downward three-shot of TIL, VALLA, and PHILLIP entering the ballroom.

PHILLIP: PRINCESS, may I have the honor of getting one dance ?

Panel 3: A medium two-shot of VALLA looking at TIL.

VALLA: Sorry, but the first dance is going to TIL.

Panel 4: A shot of TIL walking away from VALLA.

VALLA: TIL ?

TIL: Sorry, Iím not here to dance, Iím here to protect you and thatís all Iím going to do.

Panel 5: An over the shoulder shot of TIL walking away. VALLA is standing there in shock.

VALLA: What did you just say ?

TIL: Youíre the princess, Iím the bodyguard. Iíll be doing what you brought me here to do.

Panel 6: A side shot of VALLA looking very upset as TIL walks away in the background. PRINCE PHILLIP is standing next to her.

VALLA: I guess I will dance with you.

[Page 13][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of TIL walking through the crowd of nobles. There are two people talking to each other.

PERSON 1: Who is that girl dancing with PRINCE PHILLIP ?

PERSON 2: Thatís VALLA, the Princess of Kelvim.

PERSON 1: She would make a good wife for the prince. They would make a good couple.

Panel 2: A side shot of PRINCE PHILLIP dancing with VALLA from TILís P.O.V.

Panel 3: A slightly closer shot of the two. The two are looking into each otherís eyes.

Panel 4: A shot of TIL looking slightly relieved.

TIL(thinking): Now thatís the princess is distracted, maybe I can do my job.

Panel 5: A shot of TIL looking back toward a window.

TIL: Huh ?

Panel 6: A shot from through the window of a cloaked figure climbimg up the side of the castle wall.

Panel 7: A shot of TIL smirking.

TIL: And here I thought tonight was going to be boring.

[Page 14][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A downward shot of the figure landing on the castle wall.

Panel 2: A side shot of the cloaked figure sneaking up behind a guard.

GUARD(thinking): Nothing exciting ever happens here. Sometimes I wish this job wasnít so bor-

Panel 3: A shot of the guard being knocked out by a backhand.

SFX: Crack !

Panel 4: A shot of the figure silently laying the guard down.

TIL: Well, I have to give you credit, MARO.

Panel 5: A side shot of TIL standing behind the cloaked figure with his arms crossed.

TIL: I didnít actually believe that you would scale this wall and knock out a guard to get into this party. You must want to really suffer VALLAís wrath.

VOICE(op): TIL ! What are you doing up there ?

[Page 15][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of TIL looking down to see MARO standing next to the carriage.

MARO: Why arenít you with the Princess ?

Panel 2: A shot of TIL looking very confused.

TIL: Then who-- ?

Panel 3: A shot of the cloaked figure standing behind TIL.

Panel 4: A bust shot of the cloaked figure removing her hood.

Panel 5: A shot of TIL looking on in disbelief.

TIL: What are you doing here.....

Panel 6: A full shot of MARA, MAROís twin sister, a lovely girl with a scar on her right cheek and long flowing brown hair.

TIL: MARA, I thought you were supposed to be patrolling the border and watching out for DRAM and his men.

MARA: Thatís why Iím here. We have a problem, TIL. A rather large one at that.

Panel 7: A bust shot of TIL.

MARA(op): Where is Princess VALLA ? We need to find her immediately.

TIL: Why ?

[Page 16][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot of VALLA kissing PHILLIP.

CAP(MARA): She may be in danger.

Panel 2: Angle on same VALLA has her hands on PHILLIPís shoulders and is looking into his eyes. PHILLIP has a grin on his face.

VALLA: PHILLIP this is all so sudden.

PHILLIP: Only for you VALLA. For me this has been years in the making. Come letís be alone, I have something I want to show you.

Panel 3: A downward shot of PHILLIP leading VALLA down a corridor.

VALLA: Where are we going ?

PHILLIP: I have a surprise for you. Something that only you will appreciate.

Panel 4: A shot of PHILLIP bringing her to a large door.

Panel 5: A shot of four of his guards pushing the door open.

Panel 6: A shot of her looking very happy.

Panel 7: Angle on same. VALLA looks very afraid.

PHILLIP(op): Like I said before.

Panel 8: A close-up of a manís sinister grin.

BREN: Hello, Princess....

JonHParrish
09-21-2006, 05:23 AM
[Page 17][1 Panel]

Panel 1: A full page shot of GENERAL BREN standing behind PHILLIP with a grin on his face. The background should be a

PHILLIP: This party was just for you.

BREN: LORD DRAM sends his regards.

[Page 18][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of VALLA pulling back in fear.

VALLA: BREN, but how did you manage....

Panel 2: A side shot of BREN looking at her with a grin.

BREN: -- to get past your kingdomís defenses ? Well, letís just say that some of your patrols had men who could not resist answering natureís call.

Panel 3: A shot of VALLA looking at him in fear.

BREN(op): You would not believe how many times a man is left alone. Unlike my men, they all lacked patience. Itís sad really that six men were able to take out almost two dozen of your scouts and sentries.

VALLA: I canít believe youíve made it this far undetected.

Panel 4: A shot of PHILLIP looking at her with a smirk.

BREN(op): Youíd be surprised what you can accomplish with a powerful ally. Especially a king.

PHILLIP: Well, Iím not king yet. Not until after they find my fatherís corpse tomorrow.

Panel 5: A side shot of VALLA looking at him in confusion and fear.

VALLA: Why would you ally yourself with him ?

PHILLIP(op): Because I must.

VALLA: What ?

[Page 19][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A large panel. A bust shot of PHILLIP looking at her with a smirk.

PHILLIP: I must do this for the sake of my own people. Your kingdom fends off his DRAMís men, but as you can see, cannot keep his forces out of our kingdoms for too much longer.

PHILLIP 2(connected): It is only a matter of time before Kelvim falls before his mighty armies and we are all under his rule. I am just making sure that when that happens, I will be able to rule over my own people....

Panel 2: A two shot of VALLA and PHILLIP. VALLA is looking at him angrily.

PHILLIP: and have you as my queen.

VALLA: I would never allow it. You are a traitor.

PHILLIP 2: I am the man who will be king.

VALLA 2: You are a coward.

Panel 3: A medium two shot of PHILLIP grabbing VALLA around the waist. He has a slightly deranged look on his face.

PHILLIP: You condemn me ?! You know nothing of my peopleís struggles. Iíve just saved my country from destruction.

VALLA: Wrong, youíve sentenced them to a life of oppresion for your own gain. You disgust me.

Panel 4: A side shot of VALLA spitting in PHILLIPís face.

Panel 5: A close-up of PHILLIP looking very upset.

PHILLIP: You....

Panel 6: A downward shot of PHILLIP drawing back to smack VALLA.

PHILLIP: hateful little...

VOICE(op): I would rethink my actions if I were you.

[Page 20][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A three shot from PHILLIPís POV of TIL, MARO, and MARA in the center of the corridor a good distance from them, about 20 feet or so, walking toward them. TIL has his short sword drawn. MARA has two daggers in her hand. MARO is clutching a staff.

TIL: I would suggest that you take your hands off of the Princess.

Panel 2: A close-up of TIL. He has a serious look on his face.

TIL: Unless you want to face the consequences.

Panel 3: A reverse angle. PHILLIP is smirking.

PHILLIP: Iíd watch my tongue. You arenít in Kelvim anymore, FIREBLADE.

Panel 4: A two shot of BREN looking down at PHILLIP.

BREN: FIREBLADE ?

PHILLIP: Yes, GENERAL VOL FIREBLADEís son.

BREN 2: Is that so ?

Panel 5: A bust shot of BREN. He has an evil grin on his face.

BREN: Well, isnít this a pleasant surprise.

[Page 21][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A side three shot of TIL, MARO, and MARA. TIL is slightly in front. MARO looks nervous. MARA has her daggers up as if sheís ready for a fight.

BREN(op): If youíre GENERAL FIREBLADEís son, then Iím going to assume that your allies are LIEUTENANT SWIFTFOOTís children.

Panel 2: A close-up of BRENís hand grasping the handle of his warhammer.

BREN: And if you are.

Panel 3: A medium shot of BREN holding the hammer in his hands with a grin on his face.

BREN: Then the goddess of destiny must be smiling down on me right now. All of my enemies children all in one place for the taking.

Panel 4: A close-up of TIL.

TIL: You wonít be taking anyone anywhere, BREN. There are three of us and seven of you. As long as thereís a chance, weíll fight.

Panel 5: A medium two shot of BREN looking over at PHILLIP.

BREN: PRINCE PHILLIP, would you do the honors ?

PHILLIP: Iíd be delighted....

Panel 6: A close-up of PHILLIP shouting.

PHILLIP: GUARDS !

Panel 7: A shot of a door being pushed open. Their should be about a dozen guards rushing toward them.

[Page 22][1 Panel]

Panel 1: A full page shot of TIL, MARO, and MARA surrounded by the guards. They are standing back to back to back. PHILLIP, VALLA, and BREN are in the background looking on. PHILLIP should still have a grip on the PRINCESS.

PHILLIP: Kill them.

BREN: I need them alive.

PHLLIP 2: Very well, beat them to the point of death, but donít kill them.

MARA: This is bad, TIL.

TIL: I know, MARA, but we have to save the Princess.

MARO: I should have never left the Queenís bed.

CAP: To Be Continued

chrisjohnwagner
09-21-2006, 11:03 AM
This kinda seemed a little forced to me. I thought some of the dialouge was a little cheesy and the story seems just a little too by the numbers. I have seen other stuff you posted and loved it, but I just could not get into this one.

JonHParrish
09-21-2006, 02:21 PM
Yeah. I was trying something really different, but when I wrote it, I don't think I had a clear vision of where I was going. Writing a fantasy story probably isn't my forte. At least not like this. Well, I'm probably going to set this one on the backburner and come back to it at a later time. I'm taking some time in between work to work on my other Terrible Tales stories so I can send them off somewhere. Thanks for the honest critiques, they really help me figure out what I need to do for this story

Eric Palicki
09-22-2006, 09:55 AM
I disagree...I'm not usually a fan of high fantasy, but with this, well, your dialogue is crisp and the characterization never gets bogged down in the conventions of the genre, even if some of the scenes and incidents are pat...

I like it, and I think, if anything, your lack of familiarity/interest becomes your greatest strength, here.

-E

chrisjohnwagner
09-22-2006, 01:09 PM
I was going to post this before Erics comments, but I did not have time. I wouldn't put this on the back burner I personally did not like it, but I am just one person. The rest of the world may love the story. My taste seem to be a bit off from the masses sometimes. I do hope to see more of your terrible tales stories though. I had a suggestion for you about them, but I will wait till you post more.

JonHParrish
09-22-2006, 02:12 PM
Well, I thank you both for your comments.

I was thinking of putting this on the backburned because, I was just happy that I was able to finish the story. I've been at the point where I'm finishing stuff I had left untouched for awhile. Terrible Tales started out just like that, but as I wrote it, I had a better idea on where I wanted the story to go. I was just thinking that I would set this aside while I finish the things that I was working on and have time to think where I wanted the story to go.

Eric- Yeah, I'm not the biggest fan of fantasy, and I think that helped me, but it also made me frustrated because I didn't want the dialogue to be to modern. Ah well, if you liked it then I guess I did a good enough job.

Chris- I'm working on the third story now and it might be some time before I post it. If you want, you could PM me about your idea. Unless you'd rather wait until I posted the story. I'm glad you like it.

Thanks again for your critiques.