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JonHParrish
09-14-2006, 03:04 AM
I decided to write something more autobiographical than what I was used to writing. The story is something that happened to me as a child, but the overall story really doesn't have a point. I was just trying to write out as much as I could remember. I believe there's a good story I can make out of this. Anyway here it is.

Momma’s Gone

[Page 1][5 Panels]

Panel 1: An establishing shot of a large bank-like two story building. In front there is a small sign that reads MONTESSORI CHILDREN’S SCHOOLHOUSE. There should be a slightly heavy snowfall.

CAP(JON): Someone asked me once what the scariest moment in my life was. I’ve had a lot of them, but if I could pick just one...

CAP (JON) 2: I would have to say it was when my mother disappeared. I remember it like it just happened.

Panel 2: Large panel. A downward shot of JON PARRISH, a young black kid about 7 or 8 with a box cut and a rat tail sitting in a room all by himself. There should be a black snowsuit and boots on the floor next to him. He’s sitting with his legs crossed and his chin resting on both of his palms.

CAP(JON): It was December, sometime around the last week of school. I was about nine.

Panel 3: A side shot of JON sitting there. In the background, a teacher walking is into the room.

CAP(JON): I was the last kid at the school, but that was nothing new. Mom was always late to pick me up, but I didn’t blame her.

TEACHER: JON, are you still here ?

Panel 4: An over the shoulder shot of JON looking over at the teacher, a small older lady (60 or so) of Greek descent with a blue sweater and gray corduroys. She has really curly hair like a perm.

TEACHER: Why are you sitting in here all alone ?

JON: I just wanted to wait for my mom by myself.

TEACHER 2: Are you sure ? You could stay in the other room with me and the other teachers ?

JON 2: No, thank you.

Panel 5: Angle on same as panel 3. This time the teacher is leaving.

TEACHER: Alright.

CAP(JON): And so I waited. And waited.

[Page 2][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A small panel. A shot of a wall clock that reads 7:00 pm.

CAP(JON): and waited. Until...

TEACHER(op): JON, you’re ride is here.

Panel 2: A close-up of JON’s hand grabbing his boots.

Panel 3: A downward shot of him grabbing his snowsuit.

Panel 4: A shot of JON running out of the door with the boots in one hand and the snowsuit under his arm.

Panel 5: A downward from behind shot of him running toward a corner. A foot is coming around the corner. The foot is wearing a black high heel shoe.

Panel 6: A bust shot of JON with his arms outstretched and a smile on his face.

JON: Hello, MO--

Panel 7: A close-up of JON. His expression is confusion.

JON: m.....

CAP(JON): And that’s when it started.

[Page 3][4 Panels]

Panel 1: A full shot of AUNTIE CINDY. She should be wearing a fur coat, have her hair done up in a bun, wear fancy Jackie O sunglasses, and her mouth should look like she just sucked a really sour lemon.

CINDY: Hello, JON. Do you have all of your things ?

JON: AUNTIE CINDY ?

CINDY 2: I’ll be giving you a ride home, today. Your mom is still at work.

Panel 2: A bust shot of JON looking disappointed.

JON: Oh. Ok.

CINDY(op): Do you have all of your things ?

JON: Yeah.

Panel 3: A side two shot of them walking down a hallway. AUNTIE CINDY is walking in front. JON is walking behind her. On the wall there should be some painted pictures of a child chasing a red kite with a big yellow sun .

JON: So, is my mom okay ?

CINDY: Of course she is. Why wouldn’t she be ?

Panel 4: A close-up of JON.

JON: No reason.

[Page 4][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of JON with a seatbelt on.

Panel 2: A side shot of the car parked in front of a blue house.

Panel 3: A side shot of AUNTIE CINDY walking out with JERRY, JON’s little brother (about two or three) who is wearing a light blue snowsuit with a ski cap and mittens.

Panel 4: A two shot of AUNTIE CINDY buckling JERRY into his car seat in the back.

Panel 5: A shot of her opening the front door.

Panel 6: A shot of her back in the car reaching for her seatbelt.

CINDY: And we’re off.

CAP(JON): And just like that everything else went by in a flash.

[Page 5][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of JON, AUNTIE CINDY, and JERRY walking into an apartment that is all white with brown furniture.

CAP(JON): We got back to our apartment and mom wasn’t there.

CAP(JON)2 : Suddenly, she told me to pack my bags.

Panel 2: A shot of JON placing toys in a backpack.

CAP(JON): I asked where my mother was again. This time she didn’t answer me at all.

Panel 3: A three shot of JON, AUNTIE CINDY, and JERRY back in the car.

CAP(JON): She sped all the way to my Grandmother’s house.

Panel 4: A two shot of JON and JERRY sitting in front of a large television.

CAP(JON): For a moment, it looked like things were going to slow down.

Panel 5: A shot of CINDY and MARY, a woman in her late sixties with black hair, glasses, and short black hair, looking to their right.

CAP(JON): Until...

SFX: Knock ! Knock !

CINDY: Who could that be ?

[Page 6][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot of CINDY looking out of a side window.

Panel 2: A shot from her POV of a gold car, an old model from the 80’s, parked outside.

CINDY(op): Oh no, it’s Thomas !

CAP(JON): Thomas was my stepfather.

Panel 3: A shot of CINDY grabbing JERRY and JON by the hands.

CAP(JON): My alcoholic abusive stepfather.

Panel 4: A downward shot of her gently pushing them into a dark room. JON is holding his brother.

CINDY: Stay in here and don’t come out.

Panel 5: A shot of JON sitting in the dark room with his brother in his lap.

CAP(JON): And it was at that moment that it hit me.

Panel 6: A bust shot of JON looking shocked.

CAP(JON) 2: What if my mother was dead ?

Panel 7: A medium shot of his little brother.

CAP(JON): No one would tell me anything. I just wanted to know where she was.

Panel 8: A full two shot of him hugging his brother.

CAP(JON): I just wanted to know she was alright.

[Page 7][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot AUNTIE CINDY sneaking them out of the house.

CAP(JON): AUNTIE CINDY snuck us out the back while he talked with my grandmother.

Panel 2: A three shot of them in the car.

CAP(JON): I asked her one more time.

JON: Where is my mom ?

CINDY: We’re here.

Panel 3: A shot of them rushing into a small green house with white trim around the windows. There should be a street light and fresh snow on the ground.

CAP(JON): Once again I got no answer and it remained that way for three days.

Panel 4: A shot of JOHN sleeping on the floor in a living room. There is a wooden table, a big screen TV, and a plush white carpet.

CAP(JON): Everything seemed hopeless.

Panel 5: A shot of JON sitting at a table looking very sad. On the opposite end is his AUNTIE CRYSTAL, who is in her late thirties wearing a sweatshirt, and sweatpants.

CAP(JON): Finally I got the truth from my AUNTIE CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL: I know you’ve been wondering about your mom and where she is.

JON: Yeah.

CRYSTAL: Well, no one wants me to tell you, but I going to...

Panel 6: A bust shot of JON. He looks shocked.

CRYSTAL(op): She’s in the hospital.

JON: The hospital ?!

[Page 8][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of a large room with several tables and people walking around. We can see JON sitting at a table in the center of the room.

CAP(JON): It was a different kind of hospital.

Panel 2: A bust shot of JON sitting at a table.

VOICE(op): Hi, JON.

Panel 3: A shot of JON’s mom. She has on a blue outfit like scrubs wear. She looks tired.

JON(op): Mom ! Are you okay ? What’s going on ? Why didn-

MOM: I’m okay. Something happened and I needed to come here. But I’m okay.

Panel 4: A close-up of JON looking slightly happier.

JON: So when are you coming home ? Are you going to be home for my birthday ?

Panel 5: A side shot of JON’s MOM, she looks sad.

CAP(JON): She didn’t have to say anything. I knew she wasn’t going to be coming back any time soon.

[Page 9][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of JON sitting in front of a cake looking sad.

CAP(JON): My birthday came and went. My mother didn’t come home.

Panel 2: A from behind shot of JON sitting in front of a Christmas tree.

CAP(JON): Christmas, the day after my birthday, came and I she still didn’t get to come home.

Panel 3: A shot of JON sitting on the floor watching a medium size television placed upon a shelf.

CAP(JON): Of course there was New Year’s Eve...

TELEVISION: 4....3....2.....1

Panel 4: A shot of a hand on JON’s shoulder.

VOICE(op): Happy New Year, JON.

Panel 5: A three shot. JON and his mother are sitting on the floor watching TV. JERRY is asleep in her arms.

CAP(JON): I wish I could tell you that after my mom came home, things got easy.

Panel 6: A shot from the ceiling down. THOMAS is sleeping on the couch.

CAP(JON): It wouldn’t get better for some time, but of course I didn’t care.

[Page 10][1 Panel]

Panel 1: A splash page of JON and his mother watching the television.

CAP(JON): I had my mother back and as far as I could see. Nothing else mattered.

CAP: End

Well, it's not anything amazing, but it keeps me from having Writer's Block.

Mason
09-14-2006, 10:24 PM
Going from panel to panel you had a really nice flow and the story did move. You should definitely come back to this at some point, there's potential. A few of the captions could probably be rewritten to go along with the panels beat better, if that makes sense to you. Though that may just be my style talking, so who knows if it's the best for you.

<3 Mason