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Nothing
09-09-2006, 08:43 PM
Since I havent put up anything in a long time thought I'd toss one out.

This is a 5 page submission I sent out, they didn't like it or it simply wasn't what they were looking for.

Anywho here 'tis

Nothing

Version 5.0
'Second chances'

PG 1

Panel 1- Jakob Morrison, 23. Tall, over 6 foot. Dark hair and eyes. An athletic build, more of the powerful lithe football player style than body builder. Dressed casual, khaki pants and t-shirt, on an evening stroll along the boardwalk of Mosaic City, a huge sprawling city along the lines of Miami with the art deco style buildings, ultra modern designs, slick and stylish with an hint of the cultural melting pot that makes up the people who live here. Late evening, near dark. Along the boardwalk we see the touristy type things: amusement park style rides, shops and restaurants, souvenir stands and game rooms etc…. At far end of the boardwalk we have a large outdoor amphitheater for concerts, which is in full swing and very crowded, where Jakob is headed.

Caption: “Five years ago if you would have told me that I’d be the only person to survive a plane crash I would have said you were crazy. Three years ago if you’d have told me that I’d be confined to a bed for the rest of my life I’d have told you to kill me and save me the torture. Last year if you’d have told me I’d be walking along this boardwalk feeling the air on my face I’d have broke down and cried.”

Caption: “Which was exactly what I did.”

Panel 2 - View of Jakob as he’s walking, has a contented/happy at life look on his face, think of a prisoner whose been given his freedom after a promise of a lifetime of imprisonment.

Caption: “Second chances. It’s not often that we get them. A chance to redo all the things we take for granted. Even something as simple as walking.

Panel 3 - View of the city streets as two suped up street racers are barreling down the wide main street along the water front. Yes, think ‘The Fast and the Furious’ films. Cars are side by side, almost touching paint. Behind them we see a fleet of police cruisers, lights flashing, sirens wailing, in pursuit. Traffic is dodging out of way, the cars are swerving around whatever’s in the way. Give the scene a feeling of motion and speed in contrast to the laid back style of Jakob as he was walking.

PG 2

Panel 1 - Closer view of the 2 cars from reader POV, we can see the people in them, not clear but enough to know that 2 people are in each car, artist can design the cars however they want, have fun with it. Still keep in background the police cruisers and the aftermath of the chaos the cars have left behind.

Panel 2 - Similar to the first panel but the car furthest from the boardwalk swerves a bit to nudge the other car.

Panel 3- the nudged car scoots out of control and heads off the road toward the amphitheater, the other car makes a sudden sharp turn the opposite direction.

Panel 4 - Arial birds eye view as we see the out of control car skidding and sliding as the driver tries to take control of it, the other car is heading up another street, half the police cruisers are chasing it.

PG 3

Panel 1- Jakob’s POV. He watches the out of control car as it heads for the crowd of people waiting to get into the concert.

Panel 2 - Full view of Jakob as he‘s running toward the scene, his face is full of surprise mixed with fear, a set of hip jets tear thru his pants and he launches himself at the car.

Panel 3 - Jakob slams into the car, caving in the side, just demolishing it as he stops it.

Panel 4 - We see the effects of his hit, the cars a wreck, so are his clothes. The hip jets are still out, heat and smoke wafting off them. The crowd is staring at the scene, the police cruisers are there as well. Jakob is just staring down at the car which is only a few inches from the boardwalk edge.

PG 4

Panel 1- A view of Jakob’s face as it’s half morphed into a metallic covering, something along the lines of Iron Man but not. More featureless than IM’s face plate, think like the old ‘Snake-Eyes’ mask in GI Joe.

Panel 2 - The police have made it to the car, Jakob’s face is completely covered by the mask now. Guns are drawn as they look at the car and Jakob.

Cop 1 - “YOU! Who…WHAT are you?”

Panel 3 - Jakob pulling the door off the car with one arm and pulling out one of the people inside with the other.

Jakob - “Just somebody who was able to help.”

Panel 4 - The cop stares at the scene and a look of surprise and dumbfounded loss is on his face.

Cop - “That’s not what I..who..where..HOW…!?”

PG 5

Splash page as Jakob is flying off, waving back at them. The crowd and police are looking up at him. Can see flashes of cameras going off. Even tho his face is covered you can still get a hint that he’s smiling. A good look at the crash and the crowd from above.

Jakob - “Trust me officer, that’s a LONG story.”

Caption : “Second chances. Whatever the reason for getting them, we should all be thankful and use the opportunity we’re given to it’s fullest.”


END

Buckyrig
09-13-2006, 02:26 AM
Solid enough beginning. Nothing to separate it from the crowd, but it's only five pages in. Pacing and such seem pretty good.

"PG 2

Panel 1 - Closer view of the 2 cars from reader POV"

I'm not sure if this is an error. All panels would be from the reader's POV. Did you mean Jakob, or was this supposed to mean something else?

Nothing
09-13-2006, 04:32 PM
Thanks for the comment.

These 5 pages are it. It was a 5 pg submission.

As far as standing out, I'd rather be able to tell solid and consistant than stand out. I guess if I have to stand out in order to get attention I'll never get noticed.

Ahh yea the POV thing..I have the habit of saying whose pov the scene/shot will be, for instance that one. It's just what we see hence the readers pov, I'll say if it's from a characters view or from a birds eye view and all of that. Just a habit.

Thanks again

Nothing

sacredsincomics
09-13-2006, 05:09 PM
I like this, and its written well. The downfall of it for me is that the ending is someone predectible and chiche.

I would of found it more interesting if the guy didn't have these powers/strength and got mowed down or something while taking that walk. :laugh:

Okay, well maybe not that, but something different.

The captions immersed me in the story, and they just stop, this guy to me seems real thoughtful. I'd carry them on, and change the ending.

Just my thoughts. :)

Nothing
09-13-2006, 07:31 PM
Thanks for the comment

I see what your saying. Again this was only 5 pages, I was just trying to show some of what this guy could do and a bit of the world he lives in. If it had been longer I would definitly have changed the style and tempo of the story. Probably shown more action or more interaction with the setting.

The whole thing about Jakob is that he's not fully human anymore, he's had augmentations (think upgrades, hence the title Version 5.0) in order to help him function fully again. He was nearly killed in the plane crash, in a coma till he woke up and found out he was paralyzed from the neck down. SOO instead of a lot of exposition I thought I'd try to hit a few highlights in order to gain interest and show a bit of what he can do. A face shield and hipjets being 2 alterations.

And thanks I did try to make him be an introspective and thoughtful person, someone who knows what it's like to lose everything that made him what he was only to get the second chance to be that or more again. Basically if I would have gotten the chence to go on with it I would show that he was a brash and cocky sumbitch, but surviving the crash, being paralyzed and then having these augmentations changed him. Show the growth of the man/boy into the hero.

When I write I tend to do it as if it's a film, so I have some talking then have action or show whats going on then talking again. I actually have to contain myself from describing every little thing going on or every tiny detail in the background.

Again, thanks

Nothing

chrisjohnwagner
09-14-2006, 02:17 PM
I think since you only had five pages you should have dedicated sometime to how he got his powers and such. The it's a long story line just seems like an easy way out.

Nothing
09-14-2006, 10:30 PM
Thanks for the comment.

Well I had no intention of showing anything beyond what was in the story. Unless it would have been for a longer submission. I just wanted to introduce the character, see a bit of his world, see a bit of his powers and thats it. This was just a 5 page introductory story. To have a beginning, middle and end in 5 pages.

As far as it being an easy way out...maybe, maybe not. I told the story I wanted to tell by giving a glimpse at who and what the book was about.

Give a sample as to what the book is/was about, hopefully build up interest for what was to follow.

Now seeing as how the people weren't interested in it, maybe I did wrong but looking back I doubt if I'd change my approach.

Again thanks for the comment

Nothing