Steel

[GideonFerrell]

This script is based on the Origin of the X-Men's Colossus. I began writing back when Marvel was doing EPIC, but by the time I had finished writing out the script, Marvel had finished with EPIC. I sent it to them regardless, but was denied, being told that this kind of story was not what they were looking for at this time, which is understandeable with all their BIG storylines they've been doing these last few years (House of M, Decimation, Planet Hulk, Annihilation, Civil War). Lemme know what you think.




Steel

Issue #1

By: Josh Osborne

Page -1-

Panel -1- A beautiful morning, with the sun rising over the calm of Lake Baikal. It’s winter time and pretty chilly out, the wind riding hard through the air. Next to the lake resides Illyana Rasputin, about 5 or 6 years old, who sits Indian-style, watching the sun as it attempts to rise over the water. Peacefully, as the wind pulls on her long blonde hair, Illyana relaxes in her warm winter clothes. Her back to us, she sits, resting and watching in awe as the sun reflects over the water. Very little of the sun has risen.

CAPTION: Lake Baikal, Siberia

CAPTION: Many Years Ago

Panel -2- Same shot, but a little closer, now with a shadow creeping up behind her. We will reveal the shadow to be Piotr Rasputin. Not all of his shadowy figure can be seen yet, just the head and shoulders. The wind continues to tug on her hair, as it will do so throughout the scene.

Panel -3- Same shot, but now Illyana notices the figure, turning her head to the side, trying to get a glimpse at who is sneaking up on her. Piotr’s shadow is completely over her now, covering Illyana in darkness.

Piotr (Off-Panel): Illyana

Panel -4- Close-Up on Illyana’s face, as she has completely turned around and looked at this mystery person. With a smile on her face that could light up a room, she is overjoyed at the sight of Piotr. Behind her, the sun is now about halfway out over the water, but still has not fully risen yet.

Illyana: Piotr!

Page -2-

Panel -1- This is a full-page spread of our hero, a skinny Piotr Rasputin, standing in front of his little sister (not-pictured). This shot is from the point of view of Illyana. Piotr is a tall young man, wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. He has tanned skin, unlike his sister, who is a little pale. He’s a very good-looking young man, though not the strongest of guys, and his dark black hair is somewhat scruffy and shaggy, also being pulled by the wind. There is a field behind him full of crops, and in the far distance a farm, with tractors and a truck around it.

Page -3-

Panel -1- Piotr is now crouching next to Illyana, smiling as she has started looking at the sunrise again, while he is looking at her in confusion.

Piotr: Your alarm clock woke me up as well as it did you, Illyana.

Piotr: Tell me, what is it that brings you out here this early in the morning? Especially on such a cold day as this one.

Illyana: I wanted to see the sunrise, Piotr.

Panel -2- Over the shoulder of Illyana, who is now looking at her brother, we see Piotr, still looking at his sister. He speaks to Illyana with a worried look on his face.

Piotr: Why do you want to see the sunrise, baby sister? You’ve seen it before, and on warmer days than this.

Panel -3- Now over the shoulder of Piotr, we see Illyana looking at her brother. She has a sad but impatient look on her face.

Illyana: Last night, Papa said that after sunrise, the snow would start to come down.

Illyana: And I want to see the snow, Piotr.

Illyana: I miss the snowflakes.

Panel -4- A Close-Up of Piotr, smiling as he looks at his sister. Illyana’s innocence is both refreshing and welcome.

Piotr: Snowflakes, baby sister, are very special things.

Piotr: Do you remember last Christmas when we all came here to the lake, in the morning to ice skate? And how you noticed that the stars on each snowflake were different? Well that’s because each and every snowflake IS different. They are all crystals, and form differently depending on the temperature of the cloud that they come from. No two snowflakes are alike anywhere in the world.

Piotr: We are like snowflakes in many ways, baby sister. No two people are alike.

Illyana (Off-Panel): There is no other person in this whole world like me, brother?

Piotr: No, Illyana. No one is like you in this whole world. You are my…

Panel -5- A ½ page shot. Now from behind Piotr and Illyana, they look at the now fully risen sunrise, as it sits right over the lake, fully reflecting across the water. The siblings sit and watch the sun, as from above them, snowflakes (different shaped ones, mind you) start to fall from the clouds.

Piotr: Snowflake

TITLE: STEEL, PART I of IV

[AthenaRose]

Cute! And well written, too.

[GideonFerrell]

Thanks, the whole story is a very family oriented one. Other than a few things here and there, it seems to be well received when I show it to people.

[Lewis]

Overall I liked it and it had a Colossus feel to it.

Few notes, and these are only my thoughts which could mean I am off base:

- little too wordy in the panel breakdown and could be more technical. Phrases like "watching the sun as it attempts to rise over the water" and "with a shadow creeping up behind her" do well in a novel or short story but you are describing the scene to an artist, not a reader who has to visualize it for themselves.
- "Close-Up on Illyana’s face, as she has completely turned around and looked at this mystery person" - It's Colossus or Piotr, not a mystery man. I'm sure the reader will get the flavor as they read the story and look at the artwork but at this stage it's just you and the artist.

Also, just my thoughts, but why would you have Colossus say "Why do you want to see the sunrise, baby sister? You’ve seen it before, and on warmer days than this." Piotr is a poet and an artist. Who more than he would appreciate a good sunrise on a snowy day?

Those things said, I feel it's a great origin to her nickname and you can feel the love and bond they have in those few pages.

[Scribbler]

I like Lewis' comments on the characterization of Piotr. And agree that this is a very nice explanation to the nickname. The technical description of how a snowflake is made is a bit much for me though.

I had one nitpick, which is rooted in the timeline of comics versus the real world unfortunately. I always think of the young Piotr in Russia being in the Soviet controlled era of Russia. In that Russia, if I understand correctly, blue jeans were not worn. Perhaps someone can correct this if I'm in err, which is quite possible.

Otherwise, it sets a tone that matches the character and as such if I picked up a story to read about Colossus and had this opening, I would not be disappointed.

[RichieD]

Page 3, Panel 4 - That's a lot of words in one tiny panel.

I would somewhat disagree with Lewis as far as how technical you want the descriptions to be. Besides getting the mechanics on the page, you want the artist to understand, and then portray the mood of the image. Ultimately it depends on the artist, but don't make your panel descriptions completely plain.

The dialogue seems a bit stiff. This would be ok if they were both speaking English, as I would take this to mean this is not their native tongue. But, unless you are going to say differently, I'm assuming they are speaking Russian, therefore they should be able to speak it as well as I can speak English.

[GideonFerrell]

I thank you all for the comments and criticisms. Most people have told me after reading this that I am too wordy with the panel descriptions, and I have toned that down with all my current writings. This is my first full script and I know that work needs to be done with it, but I have done several other scripts since that I am very proud of. I especially liked the comment from Scribbler about the blue jeans. Very good. Though I don't know the answer to the question, in the scene that I'm posting now, one of the people I let read it questioned whether or not one of the kitchen appliances should be in it, due to the fact that this takes place in Russia so long ago. These were things that I wasn't even thinking of at the time and I'm very glad that people are pointing it out. I hope you enjoy this next scene.



Page -4-

Panel -1- A ½ page shot. Piotr and Illyana are standing in front of an open doorway as they have just entered from outside. Illyana smiles happily as Piotr looks cold and tired. Mr. Nikolai Rasputin, their father, and Mrs. Alexandra Rasputin, their mother, look at them as they enter the kitchen. Mikhail Rasputin, their brother, sits at the far side of the kitchen table, looking at the two with his arms crossed at they enter the house. Nikolai is sitting at the kitchen table as well, drinking some coffee and reading the paper, while Alexandra is cleaning some dishes in front of the sink.

CAPTION: Ust-Ordynski Collective Farm, Siberia

Illyana: Papa! Papa! I saw the snow! It was so cold and it came right after sunrise from the heavens! Just like you said!

Papa: That is good, baby, I am happy for you.

Papa: Piotr, did you happen to read the paper this morning? This boy in Moscow was imprisoned for having some kind of unnatural super strength. He was able to lift cars and machinery with no effort at all. They cannot explain it.

Panel -2- Mikhail, angry and bitter, begins putting his thoughts into the conversation, looking as though he were taking this story somewhat personally. Papa Rasputin is looking at him in surprise, with all others off-panel.

Mikhail: They imprison him because they fear him! They fear his strength and indifference!

Papa: Mikhail, why must you speak in such a way! Though I do not agree with it, the government does this to protect us!

Mikhail: No, Papa, the government does this to protect themselves! They fear that this boy may overthrow them in some way!

Panel -3- Tight on an angry Mikhail, staring and yelling at his father.

Mikhail: Tell me, Papa, what would you do if I were different, like this boy? Or Piotr or Illyana? Or all of us for that matter? Would you still feel the same way about our WONDERFUL government? Would you feel that they were locking us up to protect the citizens of our country?

Panel -4- With Mikhail sitting in the foreground, angry and staring at his father, Mrs. Rasputin stands in the background and has had enough. Pointing her finger at Mikhail, she’s an angry woman (With a sink full of dishes!).

Mama: I have heard enough of this! Mikhail, dismiss yourself from the table and go upstairs! I will not have anymore arguing this early in the morning!

Mikhail: Gladly.

Page -5-

Panel -1- Mikhail has already gotten up and stands in front of the hallway behind his chair, getting ready to go to the stairs. With his back to his father, he turns his head to say one last thing with a smirk on his face.

Mikhail: Papa, once again, it has been a pleasure talking with you.

Panel -2- Tight on an angry Papa Rasputin, who’s just heard all he wants to hear from his son.

Papa: Mikhail!

Panel -3- Papa Rasputin now hurries after Mikhail, getting ready to enter the hallway that Mikhail has just entered. For a big guy, Papa Rasputin is moving awfully quick. A piece of Mikhail’s arm is all that can be seen as he walks away from his father, as the rest of him is already in the hallway. ((Important to show that Mikhail is momentarily near!))

Papa: You will not speak to me in such a way!

Panel -4- Tight on Papa’s eyes and his bushy eyebrows. His eyes are wide open in shock at the empty hallway he sees in front of him.

Papa: Huh?

Panel -5- A shot of the empty hallway, with family pictures on the walls and the front door at the very end, with the stairs at the far left. There is NO sign of Mikhail.

Panel -6- Papa Rasputin is now looking down to the floor angrily, grinding his teeth and clinching his fists, thinking the conversation over in his head.

Papa: Damn that boy and his quick feet!

Panel -7- Close-Up of Piotr and Illyana, standing there silently with straight faces on, thankful that they didn’t get involved in that argument (Thankful, but they do look a bit frightened).

Papa (Off-Panel): Oh, I almost forgot. Piotr, Abram and Senka called early this morning. They said they would stop by tomorrow afternoon after their chores so you all can do something together.

Papa (Off-Panel): Now please, take Illyana upstairs and get her more appropriately dressed for the snow.

Piotr: Yes Papa.