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View Full Version : ORIENTATION (Comments, advice, critiques and scorn welcome)


Shamus
08-31-2006, 12:26 AM
You may have seen this story before as I posted the first half a whiles ago, well now here it is revised and complete with an ending. Just as a warning though a large portion of the main characters dialogue sounds unintelligable, I should probably change that however I'm far to lazy to be honest. Well any whos...

ORIENTATION

Page One (5 panels)

Panel 1: A frontal mid close up of a man, THE ARBITER. The Arbiter is in his late twenties with long red hair, wearing a black business suit and shades. It appears as if he has a five o clock shadow and isn’t quite sober. He is aiming a high caliber tranquilizer gun directly in front of him self, quite wobbly.

1 THE ARBITER: Aye uh liston, mikie, mikie muh man, wez cuhn still wak dis out bro. Purd drown the guhn and wez can all juz ferget dis whole dealio an go furked urp an shid. Curm on mahn don be like dis, led des peopul go, they won snitch or nuttin yuz can still walk oudda dis alight man.

Panel 2: A frontal mid close up of a male balding southern liquor store clerk wielding a shotgun pointed directly in front of him at The Arbiter. Behind the clerk a large wooden liquor rack as sweat rolls down his for head.

2 CLERK: I dun tell you once already twice crack head, my name ain’t Mike, I ain’t no armed robber, there’s ain’t no hostages, and you done be pissing me off real bad with all this shit you speaking. So you put that there gun down and get the hell outta my store before I have to blow your limbs off one by one!

3 CLERK (Thought): Who the fuck is this guy?

Panel 3: The Arbiter is shown from a side angle standing at the sales counter across from the clerk, both of them still with weapons drawn at each other, the layout of the liqueur store behind them containing isles lined with shelf after shelf of assorted liquor bottles and casings. Standing within the isles a small crowd of terrified southern U.S. customers staring onwards at the commotion, a look of suspense upon their faces.

4 THE ARBITER: Well if youz still unwilling to admit to it dan guess I gots no choice dan, goo night miikie...ohh an uh bah da way to anwas yuz question names Arbiter, here’s mah card…

Panel 4: A close up of the clerks eyes are shown wide open in shock.

5 CLERK: WHAT THE? HEY HOW DID YOU--

Panel 5: The panel is completely black

6 SFX: BANG…

Page Two (5 Panels)

Panel 1: Several of the customers from before are shown from somewhat of a distance through a frontal perspective outside the wooden liquor stores front entrance wearing rescue blankets and giving reports to doughnut chomping coffee guzzling police officers; a half dozen police vehicles are parked next to the side walk, sirens still flashing.

7 CAP: Eight doughnuts and three and a half hours later…

Panel 2: Back in the liquor store, up atop the sales desk a police officer is shown from the side eating coffee and doughnuts across from The Arbiter whom is leaned up against the stores wall, hand dangling in it an open liquor bottle; along his feet lies two liquor bottle cases one already ripped open. Crumbs spray out the officer’s mouth as he shakes his head in disapproval whiles The Arbiter merely shrugs.

8 COP: Honestly, pretending to be a sales clerk...bastard like him would have probably done away with them folks if you hadn’t walked in just the right time. By the way how you know it all a fake?

9 THE ARBITER: Uhhl luggy guess?

Panel 3: The police officer is shown turning his head to peer around his shoulder at something unseen down behind the counter. He appears somewhat worried.

10 COP: Gotcha…hey uh by the way you certain he’ll be alright?

Panel 4: The liqueur store clerk is shown from above passed out on the floor tiling with a tranquilizer dart shot right up his left nostril, his eyes are rolled into the back of his head as drool rolls down his mouth.

11 THE ARBITER (Off panel): Uhh…mmaybe youz better get hmm dat ambulance juz in caze. Aye uh bye da way am I free ta gos new? I kindas wanna drink me some booze and snort some coge an shid?

12 COP (Off panel): Yeah yeah what ever, you’re free to go. Hey wait what did you just…never mind.

Panel 5: The Arbiter is shown from above walking away from the liquor store onto the parking lot, liquor casings in hand. He is being viewed through a dark red telescopic lens as assorted alien script and numerable graphs are shown in windows along side his image.

Page Three (5 panels)

Panel 1: The Arbiter is shown from above sprawled across his bed; a blanket halfway draped atop him as littered across his mattress a good dozen open bottles of hard liquor.

13 CAP: Later on that night…

14 SFX (Off panel): Creak…

Panel 2: The Arbiter is shown same angle as before though somewhat closer. Now he has rolled onto his side as a mysterious humanoid shadow is cast upon him

15 THE ARBITER: Muh…no….no grandma….that’s nod ma mouf don pud da turkey der…muh no…muh…muh?

Panel 3: The Arbiter’s eyes slowly flicker open upon a blurry world. A fuzzy bluish silver humanoid shape looms over him shown from The Arbiter’s perspective as the entity is extending what appears to be some sort of blackish object

16 THE ARBITER: Uhh…wha whad da….aye ayt a secun at you Susan? Wherez ma fiddy bugs yuz cheatin bidch?

Panel 4: The figure comes into focus revealing what appears to be the SECRETARY MEDIATOR, a humanoid silver skeleton with a dark blue jell dripping from it’s bones, it appears as if though it bears dark blue eyes and is attempting to place a black burlap bag atop the arbiters face.

17 THE ARBITER: WHADA FUCK!!!!

Panel 5: The panel is completely black

18 SFX: MMMF…

Page Four (3 panels)

Panel 1: The Arbiter’s face is shown in a frontal close up behind him white padding, his hair mysteriously hanging upwards eyes beginning to flicker open revealing them to be gray.

19 THE ARBITER (Thought): Shid…shouldna eaten dat taco…eh whad dis?

Panel 2: The Arbiter is shown same angle from somewhat of a farther distance than before as he is pressed against white padding within a floating red metal rib cage rising up to his shoulders. Topping the rib cage appears to be a skull like dome bearing a series of four glowing green telescopic lenses peering outwards; an upper jaw like bottom bearing small fang like teeth down wards. Formed around the rib cage a series of four flailing tentacles accompanied by long flopping stinger tail bearing a large series of three needle like prongs at the end. The arbiter’s cloths ruffle upwards as the room about him appears vast, largely encompassed by mysterious shadow.

20 THE ARBITER: WHAY DA FUG AM I!

Panel 3: The Arbiter is shown at the same angle from an even farther distance. He is viewed from an over the shoulder perspective of another one of the strange capsules, it’s spinal column shown as being exposed though it’s inhabitant not.

21 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Honestly, you’re in zero gravity, where the hell do you think you are, France?

Page Five (5 panels)

Panel 1: The Secretary Mediator can now be seen held within the alien capsule some what close from a frontal perspective.

22 THE ARBITER (Off panel): Maybe…

23 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: No dip shit you’re in space, a space SHIP to be precise. Some telepath you are…

Panel 2: The Arbiter is shown looking around nervously from a similar perspective as last panel

24 THE ARBITER: Telepath? I ain no telepath. Who tole you dat Dingo? Dat bastad always talks shid about me…one these days gonna teach em a ting or…a ting or…aight fine I iz a telepath so whad?

Panel 3: The Arbiter is now shown looking around angered, shown in the same angle as last panel though at a closer distance, as he points his finger outwards accusingly.

25 THE ARBITER: Aye waida juz minute, who’s you breakin inna me ousean takin me inna space any ways mistah blue jello puddin man! I wanz me ansas…ansas and sum coge too…maybe some reffa…ana pony whiles you ad it.

Panel 4: The Secretary Mediator appears insulted as he tilts his head upwards sneering, similar angle to last panel, similar distance

26 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Who am I…who am I? For your information good sir I am only THE most powerful individual throughout the whole galaxy. For you see I am Secretary General of the Planetary Confederacy err well at least--

Panel 5: The Secretary Mediator is shown looking fairly depressed, his head now tilted downwards, he is viewed now somewhat farther of a distance though from the same frontal angle as shadow envelops much of his face.

27 SECRETARY MEDIATOR (Continued): I was up until about half an hour ago when--

Page Six (7 panels)

Panel 1: The Arbiters face is shown somewhat close up from the front, as he appears to be laughing.

28 THE ARBITER: Haha, yuz got canned--

Panel 2: The Arbiter is shown looking quite shocked now same angle as before same distance.

29 THE ARBITER: Hey waida sec uz an alien!

Panel 3: The Arbiter and former Secretary Mediator are shown floating in their pods across from one another some distance apart through a side shot. .

30 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Yes ahem…my how observant you are…only took fifteen minutes, that’s a new world record. Are you certain your species possesses sentience?

31 THE ARBITER: Aye shud up…so lige if yuz an alien why you needa bag me don you got them thingies…you know da one?

32 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: You mean a tractor beam? No…well we do it’s just that it’s not very reliable and usually just explodes into a thousand foot radius around it killing anything it touches. Besides those things are expensive as hell…

Panel 4: The Arbiter is shown obviously not paying any attention looking about randomly in his pod from somewhat close of a distance from the front.

33 THE ARBITER: Yoz a dat quide nice an all bud uh--

Panel 5: The former Secretary Mediator is shown relaxing in his pod arms outstretched behind him from similar perspective and distance as last panel.

34 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Oh by the way tell me how do you like your chamber pod, quite comfortable yes?

Panel 6: The Arbiter is shown up close up head stretched upwards batting away at assorted metallic spikes and cords attempting to viciously strike and wrap them selves around his neck, he appears to be batting them away with the back end of one hand whiles grasping the wires with the other hand. The Arbiter looks to be quite scared and rather uncomfortable his eyes darting all around in panic, as he badly attempts a fake smile.

35 THE ARBITER: Ehh surez…but uhh I still don got no coge an yuz till hazing explain ed why iz up ere da begin wid. I mean whada yeah wan wid me any wayz, yuz lige ear to anal probe me or wad?

Panel 7: The former Secretary Mediator is shown laughing head tilted downwards, grasping his head within his hand, from somewhat of a distance from the front

36 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: What? Oh no, no of course not, that’s just a common misconception about extra terrestrials…No I have something far worse in mind for you my friend for you see--

Page Seven (8 panels)

Panel 1: The former Secretary mediator is shown from somewhat of a distance from the front, his head now tilted upward, eyes wide open looking not quite stable as he laughs hysterically, tongue flapping all about.

37 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: As of fifteen minutes ago you legally succeeded me in taking the position of Secretary Mediator! DON’T YOU SEE!!! I’M FREE!!! I’M FINALLY FREE!!!

Panel 2: The Arbiter is shown rather angered, gritting his teeth eyes narrowed and filled with rage.

38 THE ARBITER: Secredary! Aye, you cont do this teh me! Yuz gots no right, I nevah asked foh dis, id’s irregal!

Panel 3: The former Secretary Mediator is shown gleefully performing a small dance within his pod waving about his arms whiles throwing confetti all about.

39 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Hmm say what, law? Law is your responsibility now, so tell me Mr. Secretary Mediator--

Panel 4: A front shot of the former Secretary Mediator whom is now suddenly quite serious

40 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: what’s the real crime here? Kidnapping you and forcing you to take up this position unwillingly, or you denying the confederacy your vastly superior telepathically enhanced negotiating tact?

Panel 5: The former Secretary Mediator is shown from the same angle as before only closer and more sternly energized, akin to a president delivering a powerful speech.

41 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: You know in your heart that without one of your skill this confederacy will crumble and countless worlds will be plunged into the brink of galactic war. Billions will perish, not in a flash, but through years of brutal combat…

Panel 6: Just the former Secretary Mediator’s eyes are shown now squinted dramatically as in their reflection The Arbiters pod may be seen at a distance.

42 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Now tell me Secretary Mediator, which do you believe here to be the greater crime?

Panel 7: Just The Arbiter’s mouth may be seen now strands of hair dangling downwards, he appears to have an expression of silence and contemplation on what can be seen of his face.

Panel 8: The former Secretary Mediator is shown so that just his metallic teeth may be seen in a villainous smirk.

43 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: I thought so…

Page Eight (Five panels)

Panel 1: The former Secretary Mediator is shown from the side, jubilantly smiling once more as he exits his chamber pod waving.

44 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Hey would you look at the time…listen pal this has been fun and all and I really hate to just leave you in the middle of this but well, I’ve kind of got a life to live now unlike some people I can think of. Well anyhow’s I best be going, see you in hell motherfucker. Bon voyage!

Panel 2: The former Secretary Mediator is shown from The Arbiters point of view as with one hand he opens up the door to The Arbiters chamber pod. The former secretary grins demonically while holding The Arbiter’s tranquilizer gun akin to a club within the other hand.

45 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: Oh wait almost forgot…I used this to stop you from struggling so much, here’s your gun back.

Panel 3: The Arbiter is seen being viciously beaten across the face by the former Secretary Mediator as teeth fly out of his skull and blood sprays out from his nose back onto the white padding of the chamber pod.

46 SFX: THWACK

47 THE ARBITER: UMF!

Panel 4: The former Secretary Mediator is now shown somewhat from behind, stabbing the end of the guns barrel directly into The Arbiter’s left eye socket, blood shooting upwards like a faucet as he does so.

48 THE ARBITER: AHH PLEASE GOD DON’T GUH!!!

49 SFX: SQUISH….

Panel 5: The panel is completely black

50 SFX: BANG

51 SECRETARY MEDIATOR: You start in eight earth hours, get some rest in the meantime, oh and don’t worry too much about the job; I’m certain you’ll get used to it…eventually.

52 CAP: AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, THE END

Scribe
08-31-2006, 12:44 AM
Is the Arbiter the worst drunk ever or mentally retarded? I got really bored really quick of Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

chrisjohnwagner
08-31-2006, 10:56 AM
I kinda of like the first part of this. The whole drunk homeless cop thing I like, but when the space stuff starts it just does not work for me. I feel like that is something that come in at the end of a sitcoms run when all the good ideas have been used up.