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View Full Version : Terrible Tales #2 (Language) (C+C Appreciated)


JonHParrish
08-25-2006, 03:27 AM
This follows up the last story I posted about the guys fighting demons. It's supposed to have a comedy-horror feel to it. If you read the other one, you know what I mean. I'm not worried about the spelling errors because I'm going to print it out and fix all that stuff myself. But anything that has to do with pacing, dialogue, or anything of that nature, I'd love to hear about. Thank you in advance.

Terrible Tales From Easthaven
#2 The Other Roommate

[Page 1][6 Panels]

Panel 1: An establishing shot of a six-story white brick apartment building in the middle of a urban area. There should be a balcony in front of every other window. There should be a bum stumbling by the front singing. He should have a flask in his hand. It is nighttime and the streetlights are on.

BUM(singing): Same old song, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky !

Panel 2: A shot of him taking a drink of his flask. There should be someone standing behind him, but we canít see them against the light.

BUM(singing): It slips away.. and all your money--

Panel 3: A from behind shot of the bum. There is a decayed hand on his shoulder.

BUM: What the hell ?

Panel 4: An over the shoulder shot of a ZOMBIE grabbing him. The BUM is screaming in fear. The zombies face is heavily shadowed.

ZOMBIE: No.....more...

Panel 5: A close-up of the BUM.

ZOMBIE(op): KANSAS !

BUM: Nooooo !

Panel 6: An upward shot of a streetlight.

SFX: Crunch !

[Page 2][5 Panels]

Panel 1: The same angle as the first panel of the previous panel. A black van is pulling up. The word SATANMOBILE is spray painted across the side door.

KARL: Home sweet home.

Panel 2: A shot of KARL jumping out of the vanís side door. BILLY is getting out of the passengerís side door. JIM is still sitting in the drivers seat.

JIM: Yeah yeah. Be it ever so humble and all that shit.

BILLY: Well. Itís certainly isnít a demonic underground stronghold.

Panel 3: A medium shot of JIM climbing out of the driverís side.

JIM: Well, no shi--

Panel 4: Small Panel. A close-up of his sneaker slipping in blood on the ground.

JIM(op): it !

Panel 5: This panel should take up the bottom of the page. A three shot of KARL and BILLY standing over JIM who is sitting in an upright position with blood on his hands. JIM Looks pissed.

KARL: Are you alright ?

JIM: Do I look alright. Ugh. I just bought these shoes.

BILLY: Is that (mehh) blood ?

JIM 2: No, itís fucking lemonade.

BILLY 2: Where did it all come from ?

KARL 2: I donít know....

[Page 3][8 Panels]

Panel 1: This panel should take up the top portion of the page. A from behind three shot of them looking at the building. There is a trail of blood leading up to their front door.

KARL: But, Iím sure weíll find out.

JIM: God damn it. Iím taking this out off someoneís ass.

BILLY: Uh, is this a normal occurrence for you guys ?

JIM 2: Youíre joking right ?

Panel 2: A side shot of JIM walking toward the building. BILLY and KARL are standing on the sidewalk in front.

JIM: Alright, well here we go.

KARL: Well, good luck.

Panel 3: A shot of JIM looking back at KARL.

JIM: What do you mean good luck ?

KARL: I fought the giant hamster, you can have this one.

Panel 4: A medium shot of JIM walking toward the building. KARL and BILLY are in the background.

JIM: Fine.

JIM 2(muttering): Asshole.

Panel 5: A fairly far away shot of JIM walking through the door.

BILLY: Are you sure you should be sending him in (mehh) alone ?

Panel 6: Angle on same. JIM is walking into the dark building.

KARL: Heíll be fine.

Panel 7: A bust shot of KARL and BILLY. Both of them are looking at the building.

JIM(op): What the fuck ?!

[Page 4][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A downward shot of JIM standing over the BUM, who is eviscerated and bleeding heavily. BILLY and KARLís shadows are in the doorway. There should be a rug underneath the BUM and a ceramic tile floor.

KARL(op): Whoa !

BILLY(op): That stench ! Itís horrid !

JIM: Man, if I had a dollar for every dead body I came across...

Panel 2: A side shot of JIM kneeling down. KARL is in the background looking over at him.

JIM: Give me a hand here.

BILLY(op): What are you going to do ?

Panel 3: A downward shot of JIM grabbing the BUM by the shoulders.

JIM: The same thing I always do...

Panel 4: A close up of the BUMís hand. Itís twitching.

JIM(op): Ditch it and deny my balls off..

Panel 5: A bust shot of JIM. The BUM is grabbing his shoulders.

JIM: Hmm ?

Panel 6: A shot of the BUMís eyes wide open. There should be some sort of indication that his eyes have just popped open.

JIM(op): Not again.

Panel 7: A side shot of the BUM grabbing JIM by the throat with one hand. The apartment mailboxes should be on the wall.

BUM: Raghh !

Panel 8: A medium shot of the BUM, now standing. Holding JIM in the air with one hand.

[Page 5][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A two shot of KARL and BILLY watching the scene unfold..

BILLY: Shouldnít we do something ?

KARL: JIM can take care of himself.

Panel 2: A bust shot of KARL.

KARL: Or at least he says he can.

Panel 3: A shot of JIM reaching down towards the BUMís exposed intestines.

JIM: You look hungry.

Panel 4: A shot of him grabbing some of the intestines.

JIM(op): Well..

Panel 5: A shot of JIM jamming the intestines in the BUMís mouth.

JIM: Chew on this !

[Page 6][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of the BUM grabbing his mouth.

Panel 2: A shot of JIM kicking the BUM in the stomach.

Panel 3: A shot of JIM being dropped.

Panel 4: An over the shoulder shot of JIM. The BUM is standing in front of the open door.

Panel 5: A shot of JIM sprinting toward the BUM.

Panel 6: A side shot of the BUM reaching to grab JIM. JIM is ducking under his grip.

Panel 7: A shot of JIM uppercutting the BUM.

SFX: Crack !

JIM: Get the fuck out !

[Page 7][5 Panels]

Panel 1: Small panel. A side shot of the BUM rolling backwards out of the front door.

Panel 2: A shot of the BUM twitching on the ground.

Panel 3: An upward shot of JIM standing in the doorway.

JIM: And stop wasting my tax money !

Panel 4: A side shot of JIM turning. KARL is standing behind him staring in confusion.

JIM: What ?!

KARL: ďChew on thisĒ ? Are you ripping off commercials now ?

JIM 2: What ? It was in the heat of the moment !

Panel 5: A bust shot of BILLY looking at them in confusion. Behind him we can see another persons outline in the darkness.

BILLY: Guys. Shouldnít you be worried about--.

KARL(op): Youíre just as bad as PROFESSOR DANTE was.

JIM(op): You take that back, you son of a bitch ! I am a fucking creative genius.

[Page 8][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A from behind shot of BILLY. JIM and KARL are in the foreground arguing. JIM has his hands over his head. KARL is just standing there with his arms crossed.

KARL(op): Of course you are. Just look at your creative use of adjectives.

JIM(op): Fuck you, Demonboy. Iíll fuckiní kick your ass right now !

BILLY: I really donít think that now is the appropriate time for---

Panel 2: Angle on same. This time the shot is slightly closer. JIM is now in a boxing stance.

KARL(op): Oh, Iíd love to see you try JIM.

JIM(op): Well, then get ready for my 1-2 combo with fries, bitch !

KARL 2: What ?

BILLY: Uh guys ?

Panel 3: Angle on same. This time the shot is even closer. BILLY is looking to the right.

BILLY: Guys this really isnít the time for...

Panel 4: Angle on same. This time the panel is close on his shoulders. BILLY has his hand over his nose.

BILLY: Ugh ! Whatís that horrible smell ?

Panel 5: A from behind close-up of BILLY looking over his shoulder.

BILLY: It smells like...like...

Panel 6: A bust shot of BILLY looking back to see the ZOMBIE from the first page.

Panel 7: A side shot of BILLY tripping backwards over his own feet.

BILLY: (Mehh) ! Ahh !

Panel 8: An upward angled shot of BILLY in the seated position looking up in fear. The ZOMBIE is looking down at him with a heavily shadowed face. There should be a staircase in the background.

BILLY: Someone help me. Before Iím zombie food.

ZOMBIE: Rr-rr-rr

JonHParrish
08-25-2006, 04:42 AM
[Page 9][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot of the ZOMBIE pointing an accusing finger at BILLY. BILLY is sitting up and looking slightly confused.

ZOMBIE: Racist !

BILLY: Wha ?

Panel 2: A side shot of the ZOMBIE with his arms crossed and a look of disgust on his face.

ZOMBIE: As an Undead American, I take offense to your use of that horrible slur.

BILLY(op): Uh...what ?

Panel 3: A two shot of JIM and KARL looking over at them.

ZOMBIE(op): You said the Z-word ! I canít believe you had the audacity to say it to my face ! Where do you come off saying that shit ?!

BILLY(op): Um...

JIM: Damn it. Not this bullshit again.

KARL: We should have known.

Panel 4: A shot of JIM and KARL walking over to BILLY and the ZOMBIE. BILLY should still look confused.

ZOMBIE: Have you ever walked a mile in my shoes ?! Do you know what itís like to be feared everywhere you go and be shot at ?! I canít even go buy clothes at the GAP with out catching a 38 slug in my ass !

BILLY: Um. Sorry ?

ZOMBIE 2: You bet your furry ass you are. Now for you two assholes...

JIM: Here it comes.

KARL: Of course.

Panel 5: A side shot of JIM and the ZOMBIE.

ZOMBIE: Where the hell is my money ?

JIM: Up your maggot infested ass.

BILLY(op): What ? You know him ?

JIM 2: Yeah, this sensitive, oppressed decaying sack of shit standing in front of you is DANNY WATSON.

Panel 6: A close-up of BILLY looking shocked.

JIM(op): Our other roommate.

BILLY: What ?!

[Page 10][4 Panels]

Panel 1: A close-up shot of KARLís hand flicking on the light switch.

CAP: Seconds later.

KARL: Well, hereís your new room. Just to warn you...

Panel 3: A large panel that should take up the center of the page. JIM, KARL and BILLY are standing in the room. There are ABBA and Meatloaf posters everywhere. There is a laptop on a desk and a bed against the wall. JIM is leaning against the wall. BILLY and KARL are standing in t he center of the room.

KARL: He had a thing for ABBA and Meatloaf.

BILLY: Who ?

JIM: Thank you. Somebody who agrees.

BILLY 2: What ?

JIM 2: Forget it.

Panel 4: A downward shot of the three of them.

KARL: Anyway. His family never came to get his stuff so you can have it if you want to.

JIM: We were just going to burn it anyway.

BILLY: This is better than the room I had before.

Panel 5: A two shot of JIM and KARL walking out of the room. BILLY is in the foreground still looking around.

KARL: Alright, weíll leave you to get yourself situated. In the morning, weíll lay out the ground rules for living here.

JIM: Seriously, if you want to burn this shit let me know. I still have some kerosine left over from the 4th of July.

KARL 2: Good times.

[Page 11][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A downward three shot of JIM and KARL sitting down at the kitchen table. DANNY is already sitting there. There should be an ash tray in front of him and a cigarette in his hand.

DANNY: So whereís my cut of the money ?

JIM: Why should you get a cut ? You didnít do a damn thing ! Me and KARL took on demons !

KARL: You donít do the work, you donít get a cut. Plain and simple.

Panel 2: A side shot of DANNY.

JIM(op): What did you do to make you think you deserve a cut ?

DANNY: I took care of the apartment.

Panel 3: A two shot of JIM with his hands in front of his stomach. KARL is looking off panel at DANNY in confusion.

JIM: Are you kidding ? I got attacked by a bum with his fucking guts hanging out ! That has you written all over it.

KARL: Yeah, what was that about ? I thought you didnít eat human flesh ?

Panel 4: A bust shot of DANNY.

DANNY: I didnít eat his flesh. I just ripped his guts out.

KARL(op): Why ?

Panel 5: A three shot of DANNY, JIM, and KARL.

DANNY: His drunken singing woke me up.

JIM: Thatís it ?

DANNY: I get cranky.

KARL: You ripped out his stomach, DANNY.

Panel 6: An upward shot of the balcony door of the apartment. The glass of the doors looks frosted or tinted. We can see a shadow of someone in mid-air about to fly through it.

DANNY(op): I get really cranky. Plus I really hate KANSAS.

JIM(op): Thatís just UnAmerica-

Panel 7: A from behind shot of KARL looking over his shoulder.

SFX: CRASH !

KARL: What was that ?

[Page 12][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A downward shot of the BUM laying on their floor once again. This time his head is gone. His neck should look uneven like someone removed his head in an extremely messy way. There should be shards of glass underneath the body.

JIM(op): (sigh) Not again.

Panel 2: A wormís eye view of JIM, KARL, and DANNY over the BUMís body.

KARL: I think someone wanted our attention.

DANNY: Really, Captain Obvious ? What was your first clue ?

JIM: All I wanted was to watch some porn and pass out. Is that too much ?

Panel 3: A side shot of KARL kneeling next to the BUMís corpse.

KARL: From the looks it, Iíd say his head was ripped clean off.

JIM(op): Well, thatís just fantastic. Is it werewolves, again ?

KARL 2: I donít think so. No claw marks. Werewolves usually butcher their food before they eat it.

Panel 4: A bust shot of JIM sighing.

JIM: Well then, Sherlock, what the hell did this ?

PROFESSOR(op): I believe that would be me.

Panel 5: A medium three shot of KARL, JIM, and DANNY. JIM has his hand over his face. KARL is shrugging his shoulder. DANNY is in the background looking confused.

JIM: Of course, nothing else has gone right today.

KARL: It comes with the territory.

DANNY: Whoís this dipshit ?

PROFESSOR(op): I can assure you...

[Page 13][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A full shot of PROFESSOR DANTE, in demon form, but now with large black wings, floating in mid-air. There are two winged demons behind him they are smaller, average sized, and look like shadows with bright yellow eyes.

PROFESSOR: PROFESSOR DANTE is anything but a dipshit.

JIM(op): Did he just refer to himself in third person ? Oh god, someone call the cliche police.

Panel 2: A side bust shot of PROFESSOR DANTE.

PROFESSOR: Are you surprised to see me ?

JIM(op): Not really.

Panel 3: A two shot of JIM and DANNY neither of them look impressed. DANNY is holding a piece of paper and pointing to it.

JIM: This sort of shit happens a lot.

DANNY: Itís even covered by our insurance.

JIM 2: I was just hoping that you werenít a complete dumbass.

Panel 4: A side close-up of the PROFESSOR.

JIM(op): Wishful thinking on my part.

PROFESSOR: Is that so ?

Panel 5: A close-up of his fist shaking.

PROFESOR(op): Or could it be that you.....

Panel 6: A head-on shot of the PROFESSOR flying towards them.

PROFESSOR: are underestimating my power !

Panel 7: A panoramic side shot of the PROFESSOR flying at JIM, KARL, and DANNY. DANNY is now standing in front of JIM and KARL.

PROFESSOR: Now, I have you !

Panel 8: Angle on same. The PROFESSOR is right in front of them with his left claw raised, but is looking at the up in shock. There should be a shadow as if something is in the air above him. DANNY has a smirk on his face. KARLís eyeís are completely black and he has two long black fangs.

DANNY: Really ? I have some friends who would beg to differ.

PROFESSOR: Eh ?

[Page 14][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of BILLY, wearing an ABBA T-shirt standing in the entryway to the front room. He is rubbing his eyes.

BILLY: Did you guys hear that sound ? I think we might have some....

Panel 2: Large panel. A shot from BILLYís POV. The PROFESSOR is fighting off several zombie women dressed in skanky clothing that are on his back clawing him. KARL is in his second demon form, a slim completely white demon with four white wings, black eyes, and black teeth, fighting the demon minions. JIM and DANNY are in the foreground sitting on the couch which they placed on the balcony.

BILLY(op): trouble ?

JIM: Hey BILLY, have a seat.

BILLY(op) 2: What are you guys doing ?

JIM 2: Enjoying the fight.

Panel 3: A three shot of BILLY, JIM and DANNY. BILLY is standing behind the couch. JIM has a bucket of popcorn. DANNY looks focused.

BILLY: Arenít you going to help KARL ?

JIM: Sure, Iíll just spread my wings and jump into a demonic dogfight. Of course not.

DANNY: And if he dies, that means thereíll an open roo--

Panel 4: A side three shot of BILLY, JIM and DANNY ducking as one of the demon minions flies right over them.

DANNY: Shit !

BILLY: Aaaaah !

Panel 5: Angle the same as panel 3. JIM is looking up at BILLY. DANNY is looking at the fight.

BILLY: Could I get some of that popcorn ?

JIM: You wish.

SFX: Crunch !

[Page 15][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A full shot of KARL dodging an attack from the second winged minion who just tried to dive bomb him.

Panel 2: A close-up of the MINION.

MINION: Iím going to feast on your intestines !

Panel 3: A downward shot of KARL hovering above the MINION.

KARL: You know, if I had a dollar for each time I heard that....

MINION(op): Silence !

Panel 4: A two side shot of the MINION flying upwards towards KARL. It should show the building in the backroungd. We can see JIM, DANNY, and BILLY on the couch on their balcony.

MINION: You will soon regret your foolish words.

JIM: Oh shit, heís about to attack.

DANNY: JIM. shut the fuck up !

Panel 5: A shot of the MINION swiping at KARL.

Panel 6: A shot of KARL ducking under the MINIONís claws. The MINIONís body should be turned as if he just threw a haymaker.

Panel 7: A bust shot of KARL grabbing the MINION by one of his wings.

Panel 8: An upward two shot of KARL with a grin on his face.

KARL: Now youíre mine.

JIM(op): Oh shit, KARL !

[Page 16][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A side shot of the PROFESSOR elbowing one of the zombie women in the jaw.

SFX: CRACK !

ZOMBIE WOMAN: Ackahhh !

Panel 2: An upward shot of PROFESSOR slashing the other oneís throat..

ZOMBIE WOMAN #2: Ughn !

Panel 3: A downward shot of the PROFESSOR slamming her into the side of the building holding her by the throat.

PROFESSOR: Hmm. Zombies. Such amateurs.

Panel 4: A shot from fairly far away of another one of the minions flying into the side of the building behind him and bouncing off.

SFX: THUNK !

Panel 5: A shot of the PROFESSOR looking over in interest.

KARL: I apologize..

PROFESSOR: Hmm ?

Panel 6: A shot KARLís foot from the PROFESSORíS POV.

KARL: I was aiming for you !

Panel 7: A side shot of KARL kicking the PROFESSOR in the face. The PROFESSOR has been caught off-guard and is falling backwards as if he has lost his focus..

SFX: Thwack !

PROFESSOR: Agh !

JIM(op): Kick his ass, KARL !

[Page 17][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of the PROFESSOR looking slightly off guard.

KARL(op): I owed you that.

Panel 2: A two shot of KARL punching the PROFESSOR in the stomach.

KARL: and this !

Panel 3: A side shot of the PROFESSOR leaning forward in pain.

JIM(op): Fuck him up, KARL !

Panel 4: A shot of KARL pulling back for a punch. A black flame has formed around his fist.

Panel 5: A side shot of KARL punching the PROFESSOR in the back of the head with that fist of black flame.

SFX: Thwack !

KARL: Demonic Donkey Punch !

Panel 6: Tall and narrow panel. A shot of the PROFESSOR slamming into the street face first.

SFX: BOOM !

JIM(op): Damn KARL....

[Page 18][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A medium side shot of JIM standing up. BILLY behind the couch looking surprised. DANNY looks unimpressed.

JIM: You fucked him up.

Panel 2: A downward shot of from behind KARL floating above the PROFESSORís unconscious body which is now in a crater.

JIM(op): I mean you really fucked him up.

KARL: So, what do we do with him ?

Panel 3: A bust shot of the PROFESSOR unconscious on the ground facedown.

JIM(op): I say we kill this asshole, mail his corpse to REX LANSING, and go to sleep.

KARL(op): No, I have a better idea.

Panel 4: A side bust shot of KARL looking down. JIM is in the background looking over at KARL.

JIM: What could be better than killing him ?

KARL: Making him wish he was dead.

Panel 5: A close-up of KARL.

JIM(op): How are we going to do that ?

KARL: I have an idea. Come on, help me lift him.

[Page 19][6 Panels]

Panel 1: A completely black panel.

JIM: KARL, I have to say that I am impressed. This is fucked up, even for you.

Panel 2: A close-up of the PROFESSOR in human form opening his eyes slowly.

KARL(op): Heís waking up.

PROFESSOR: Wh--where am I ?

JIM(op): The boiler room.

Panel 3: A three shot of KARL and JIM looking down at the PROFESSOR, who has been chained to a chair that slightly resembles an electric chair. The PROFESSOR is looking up at KARL. There should be a large chain-link gate in the background.

JIM: also known as our torture chamber. We have to pay extra rent, but itís worth it.

PROFESSOR: What do you want from me ?

KARL: Nothing at all...

Panel 4: A medium two shot of JIM and KARL. KARL has an evil grin on his face. JIM is leaning forward pointing a finger at the reader.

KARL: This is mostly for us.

JIM: In other words, we take out our aggressions on jackasses like you.

PROFESSOR(op): What are you going to do to me ?

Panel 5: A shot of JIM holding a dvd box in his hand. It says HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN SEASON 1 BOX SET on it. JIM is grinning.

JIM: Oh I donít know....

PROFESSOR(op): You wouldnít dare.

Panel 6: A downward shot of the PROFESSOR.

JIM(op): Wouldnít I ?

JonHParrish
08-26-2006, 02:25 AM
[Page 20][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A full two shot of JIM and KARL walking up from the basement. JIM is looking over at KARL.

PROFESSOR: Aghhhh ! Turn it off. !

JIM: After a few hours, heíll be begging for us to let him go.

KARL: Explain to me why you have the entire series on DVD ?

Panel 2: A bust shot of JIM shrugging.

JIM: I think MICHAEL DOUGLAS is a great actor.

KARL(op): Thatís MICHAEL LANDON.

JIM 2: Whatever.

Panel 3: A shot of KARL and JIM walking up from the stairs into the lobby of the apartment building. BILLY is standing at the front door looking outside.

KARL: What do we do now ?

JIM: Well, I was tired, but now....

Panel 4: A shot of JIM with a wad of cash in one hand. The other hand is pointing forward defiantly.

JIM: I need to get drunk. To the titty bar !

Panel 5: A side shot of JIM grabbing BILLY by the arm.

JIM: Come on, BILLY. Thereís a stripper out there with your name on her. Maybe.

BILLY: Um, thatís ok. I really just want to go to bed.

JIM 2: Yeah, thatís too bad because you donít have a choice.

Panel 6: A three shot of JIM, KARL, and BILLY walking over to the van.

BILLY: But I---

JIM: Either you come with us, or stay here...with DANNY...alone.

BILLY 2: ...I see your point.

KARL: Where is DANNY anyway ?

Panel 7: A shot of JIM looking back over his shoulder.

JIM: How the fuck should I kn--

DANNY(op): Where are you guys going ?

[Page 21][8 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of DANNY holding a leg of one of the ZOMBIE WOMEN. There is dust as well as several body parts strewn across the sidewalk.

DANNY: My hookers are gone. JIM, you have to call that escort service !

Panel 2: A bust shot of JIM looking at him.

JIM: Right, so I can end up in jail after they ďdisappearĒ ? Fuck that.

Panel 3: Angle on same. A shot of JIM looking at the ground.

DANNY(op): Come on. Give me a hand here.

Panel 4: A side shot of JIM crouching down and reaching for something.

Panel 5: A side shot of JIM tossing a hand to DANNY.

Panel 6: A reverse angle of DANNY catching a hand. He has a scowl on his face.

JIM(op): There you go.

DANNY: Very fucking funny.

Panel 7: A shot of DANNY looking up.

JIM(op): Have fun. Weíll be back later.

DANNY: Youíve got to be joking ! You canít leave my like this.

Panel 8: A side shot of the van driving off. DANNY is standing there holding the hand and leg of a ZOMBIE WOMAN and throwing the hand at the car.

JIM(op): Wacth me. See ya !

DANNY: Assholes !

[Page 22][5 Panels]

Panel 1: Large panel. An angled downward shot from the ceiling of REX LANSING sitting on a couch in front of a large television.

LANSING: Well ?

VOICE(op): My men saw DANTE get defeated.

Panel 2: A side shot of LANSING.

LANSING: Is he dead ?

VOICE(op): No sir, my men say he was captured.

Panel 3: A bust shot of LANSING. There should be a female figure in the shadows in the background.

LANSING: No matter. Weíll just have to make a change of plans.

WOMAN: Sir, might I make a suggestion ?

LANSING 2: Iím listening.

Panel 4: A downward shot of the figure speaking.

WOMAN: Let me take care of them. Give me one full day and by nightfall tomorrow..

Panel 5: A side close-up. The figure should be smiling.

WOMAN: Their heads will be on your desk.

REX(op): Excellent. Iím counting on you.

CAP: End

nefariousderringdo
08-26-2006, 03:05 AM
I gotta say, that overall this is a pretty funny story, I laughed out loud, and it's been ages since I laughed out loud when reading anything comic related.

So good job, you have a pretty good ear for dialogue, and I'm mightily impressed dialogue is the hardest thing to nail. It sounds like the characters you have here are like my best friends, but funnier and wittier.

I like the idea of eight panel pages, I think that it breeds a new way of thinking about comics (much like the nine-panel grid used before by Alan Moore and resurging with Warren Ellis in Fell). But I think there's still too much going on with some of the pages to warrant an eight panel page. If you could cut some of them down to six panels I think it help out the flow of the action, but might hurt some of the dialogue in terms of timing, which you will have to juggle and cut and all that crap that gives writers headaches.

your comedic timing is really good, which is a rarity these days (I'm still working on it myself) but i think you could utilize the eight panel pages to not only convey simple actions and dialogue, but also the reactions of the insulted character (ie: panel 1 is a joke. panel 2 is the reaction of the joked on person). With a bit of polish and some of the pacing errors I think this could be something not only damn funny, but entirely publishable by a decent company.

That being said, you have to think about what type of book you want to write, or at the very least, what type of issue you want to write. I think in the more character driven stories you have about this rag-tag bunch of people you can get away with major dialogue and many panelled pages and it would work. Throw in some ridiculous (in a good way) zombie/giant hamster/devil sightings and you've got a damn funny book. And when you want to flex your muscles and have these same characters in an all out actioner with less than six panels a page, you've got that avenue to tap as well.

the only advice I can give you, from one writer to another is that you should write for yourself to get published, and not for a message board.

If you find an artist that has dave gibbons or geof darrow like detail, then by all means, bury that sod with as many panels as you like. But just be aware that most artists operate within the 3-7 panel area and telling them to pump out more panels per page is like telling ASH he can't fight zombies with a chainsaw hand... it just ain't going to happen.

Cheers,
erik

JonHParrish
08-26-2006, 05:15 AM
I gotta say, that overall this is a pretty funny story, I laughed out loud, and it's been ages since I laughed out loud when reading anything comic related.

Golly, thanks. I try. I've been told my sense of humor is a bit off. I'm glad I could make you laugh.

I like the idea of eight panel pages, I think that it breeds a new way of thinking about comics (much like the nine-panel grid used before by Alan Moore and resurging with Warren Ellis in Fell). But I think there's still too much going on with some of the pages to warrant an eight panel page. If you could cut some of them down to six panels I think it help out the flow of the action, but might hurt some of the dialogue in terms of timing, which you will have to juggle and cut and all that crap that gives writers headaches.

I see what you mean. I'm working on it though. This script is a pretty rough draft. I'm still working and revising it. While I'm writing this response, I'm seeing ways of cutting down panels on pages.

That being said, you have to think about what type of book you want to write, or at the very least, what type of issue you want to write. I think in the more character driven stories you have about this rag-tag bunch of people you can get away with major dialogue and many panelled pages and it would work. Throw in some ridiculous (in a good way) zombie/giant hamster/devil sightings and you've got a damn funny book. And when you want to flex your muscles and have these same characters in an all out actioner with less than six panels a page, you've got that avenue to tap as well.

Well, what I was going for was a comedic-horror story. I want it to be a mixture of action and dialogue. I'm still trying to make a balance of both. In my mind, and on paper, I see the series having a major twist. In actuality, most of the books in the series would not have a mixture like this. They would be mostly comedy. But to establish the characters and their plight, I gave them a conflict to overcome. I hope I understood what you were saying correctly.

the only advice I can give you, from one writer to another is that you should write for yourself to get published, and not for a message board.

Oh, I am. This is just something I'm doing on the side. For the most part, I have other stories that I'm trying to fix up now, but most of them are very dark, noir-ish stories filled with brooding, revenge, and death. This story is my way of keeping a balance, if you can understand what I mean. Also, feedback I get from people helps me find the things I may have missed. I did not write this just for here, this is like my side project.

If you find an artist that has dave gibbons or geof darrow like detail, then by all means, bury that sod with as many panels as you like. But just be aware that most artists operate within the 3-7 panel area and telling them to pump out more panels per page is like telling ASH he can't fight zombies with a chainsaw hand... it just ain't going to happen.

I hear you. I never thought of that at first, but yeah I could see how that would piss an artist off and I don't want to do that, I'm annoying enough on my own. :laugh:

Thank you for your critique. I really do appreciate it.

SethNI
08-26-2006, 05:45 AM
A well written, funny script! Some great one liners in there. It feels like a slapstick cross between Shaun of the Dead and that Vampires movie.

nefariousderringdo has said a lot about it already that rings true. A lot of cramped pages. Space it out a little more!

I'd buy this if it was on the shelves!

storymask
08-26-2006, 04:00 PM
I've been following this story and find it compelling and fun. Your use of dialogue
is excellent which makes reading it entertaining. I like your mixture of characters and
I'm extremely curious as to what the hell Jim's powers are. I know Karl
shapeshifts/demonshifts into 3 different beasts. Billy is goat man and Danny
is a zombie lord (or something like that). But correct me if I'm wrong, I don't
believe we've seen what Jim does (other than being a badass).

As for the sense of humor in this piece, I greatly enjoy it, as well as
the chemistry you got going between the group. Yep, think I'd buy this one
as well in graphic novel form. :thumbs:

JonHParrish
08-26-2006, 06:25 PM
Seth NI: Thank you. I love Shaun Of The Dead. And yes, I'll try to space out the action and things. Like I said, it's a work in progress. Thanks for reading. I know it's long as hell. :)

Storymask: Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like it. As for Jim's powers, I'm afraid that's classified. Well, he explains later one, but for now, he's just a smartass.

Thanks for all of your feedback.

storymask
08-26-2006, 07:26 PM
"Storymask: Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like it. As for Jim's powers, I'm
afraid that's classified. Well, he explains later one, but for now, he's just a
smartass."

I thought that was what was going on. Powers to be revealed in a later issue,
which of course make me want to read it. I really like the fact that I can
visualize the action going on in my mind. Like I said, I really enjoy this story.

chrisjohnwagner
08-28-2006, 11:10 AM
Hey really nice. I found myself laughing quite a bit I really enjoyed this little ditty.

JonHParrish
08-28-2006, 11:34 AM
Thank you. very much.