Short Story titled Night Falls

[storymask]

I entered the following story in a short story contest. We were shown a
picture of a cloud shrouded moon and asked to write a 250 word short story
about it. I think it would make a cool sequential art piece. If you enjoy the
story please take a few minutes to leave a comment for it at (and thank you
for taking the time to do so):

http://clarityofnight.blogspot.com/2006/08/entry-23.html

And without further ado, I present:

Night Falls
Written by: Ben Marroquin
StoryMask.com

They came in the night, unseen. Eyes of onyx, skin of shadowy leather,
needle sharp teeth, and ravenous appetites for the careless.

It was our mother who spotted them first, through the bay window
overlooking the garden. She gasped as cloud filtered moonlight betrayed
them, revealed them flitting about outside our home.

She gathered my sisters and I in the living room by the burning fireplace. We
huddled under a soft quilt, secure in her comforting embrace. We shuddered
as claws raked against the walls and windows outside, but still they did not
come in.

They pressed their ghastly faces against the windows and began to lick it
with long jaundiced tongues as their eyes fell upon the mass of entwined
flesh that was my family.

Goosebumps crawled on my flesh as they began their sick raspy chant:

“Night falls, blood calls.
We taste it on our lips.
Its salty tang so liquid slick,
come fill our empty pits.”

On and on they chanted, their bodies flailing about in dance and their voices
raising in pitch, filling our very souls with their macabre chorus. Immense
waves of rolling fear pounded into our hearts. We clasped one another,
battling the mountainous urge to flee the safety of our home.

Then it happened, the full moon broke free from the clouds to shine brightly
down on our house. It’s unfiltered beams burning into the flesh of the hideous
creatures outside, making them run in pain, back to wherever they came
from.

[Enresshou]

Hi, I'm Enresshou, and I'll be critiquing your piece :)

"They came in the night, unseen. Eyes of onyx, skin of shadowy leather,
needle sharp teeth, and ravenous appetites for the careless."

A writer once said that you had to be good to use one adjective, a god to use two. Although I believe that a bit cynical and oversimplified, it does bear a good rule of thumb. For example:

"They came in the night, unseen: eyes of onyx, skin of leather, needle teeth, and an appetite for the careless."

A little tighter, more compact, and paring away the adjectives helps a bit.

"They pressed their ghastly faces against the windows and began to lick it
with long jaundiced tongues as their eyes fell upon the mass of entwined
flesh that was my family.

Goosebumps crawled on my flesh as they began their sick raspy chant:

“Night falls, blood calls.
We taste it on our lips.
Its salty tang so liquid slick,
come fill our empty pits.” "

The poetry is really hard to work with, and is a sect of writing in itself with its pentameter and such. Read the poem aloud, emphasize the line breaks, and pay attention to how each word sounds--you're nearly there, but the third line is a little bit off. Second, the "Goosebumps crawled..." line is good description, but a sudden stop to allow the point of view to segue from 'child huddling' to 'demons chanting' could be accomplished in fewer words. Example:

"They pressed their ghastly faces against the windows and began to lick it
with long jaundiced tongues as their eyes fell upon the mass of entwined
flesh that was my family.

They began to chant.

“Night falls, blood calls.
We taste it on our lips.
Its salty tang so liquid slick,
come fill our empty pits.” "

A good contest entry, but revision helps everything. Glad to see another good piece of flash fiction, as it's been a while since I've seen anything decent :)

[storymask]

Wow, thanks for the great critique. Very specific and insightful. I'll definitely
work on that piece some more for my own site... as for the contest it's
already been entered. Still this is my first contest and a great learning
experience. Much thanks :)

[Enresshou]

Not a problem; you might want to try checking out Janet Burroway's "Writing Fiction". A bit expensive, but it's used as a college textbook nationwide (I've used it twice in workshops I've been in, and have since held onto it because I love rereading the stories in it). It's a really good book, and, though I don't agree with some of the exercises in it, it's a wonderful book that illustrates its points quite well with some good short stories--Silver Water is one of them, and "Bullet in the Brain" by Tobias Wolff (I think you can actually find a PDF of it through Google) is one of the few short stories I'd actually consider a masterpiece.

[storymask]

Thanks for the recommendations Enresshou. I just recently picked up some 'how to write' books from writers digest. After I read those, I'll look into picking up the one you recommend online. I think I should be able to purchase one used.

On a related topic I wrote another piece of flash fiction called The Feast. I have it up at my temporary blog site. I just recently got my own web host and will be working on my storymask.com site this weekend. In the meantime, I think I'll put it up in another thread. I'm definitely going to ask my friend to draw a picture for it. :)