Legionaire...Please Critique

[necromaniac]

greetings! I am working with a penciller right now, and would like to get a critique on a few pages of writing...




LEGIONAIRE #1

PAGE 1

PANEL 1

Scene of a battlefield from a distant view. Bodies are strewn about, both of Germanic warriors and Romans. The Romans obviously won the battle. A few men are standing about; some are on horseback. It is about mid-day, clear. A river runs through in the distance. Trees and other vegetation are also visible in the distance.

Dialogue (upper caption): Germania, 175 CE.
Dialogue (lower caption): The Roman 5th Legion under Marcus Aurelius has just defeated a host of Germans at the bank of the Danube.

Panel 2

Scene of Furios Lupus with his face in his hands. He is sitting on a log, armor dusty and covered in blood. His hair is disheveled, and matted with blood. He is just in his chain mail, and tunic. No helmet or cape. He is bleeding from a few cuts on his hands. His sword is lying at his side on the ground.

Dialogue: (upper caption): Furios Lupus, Centurion of Cohort IV. Today, it seems, was a good day.

Panel 3

Close up of a few dead Romans lying on the ground.

Dialogue: (upper caption): But not everyone will be going home this day.

End page 1

Page 2

Panel 1

Enter Publius Albus (Tribune of the 5th Legion), arm raised in the air in a wave. His armor is clean, as he has not seen battle. Publius is older, around 50 or so, with graying hair. Lupus is still sitting on the log, face raised from his hands.

Dialogue:
Publius: Hail Lupus! A Glorious victory this day! The Emperor is extremely pleased with the outcome. Those devils will think twice about crossing that river again!
Lupus: Tell that to the men lying below…..
Panel 2

Both Lupus and Publius are standing, facing each other. Publius has drawn his sword and is pricking the point with his left index finger.

Dialogue:
Publius: Don’t feel so glum. The Emperor has sent me to you with a personal invitation to this evening’s celebration. You, young Lupus, are to be the guest of honor…….
Lupus: What did I do to deserve such attention?
Publius: Why, you have distinguished yourself in front of Marcus Aurelius. It’s not everyday that a Centurion throws himself in the middle of 4 wild-eyed barbarians to save another soldiers life………..
Lupus: The Emperor is too kind. But, if there is any recognition, it should be for those men down there……

Panel 3

Waist-up Shot of Publius walking away. His head is turned over his shoulder.

Dialogue:
Publius: Do not refuse the Emperor, Lupus. That would be unwise. We will see you at dusk. Be well.

Panel 4

Backside shot of Lupus staring after Publius. Publius is in the distance.

End page 2

Page 3

Panel 1
Lupus swings his sword, cutting through some tall grass. His face is full of anger.

Dialogue:
Lupus: To be honored at such a time of suffering is madness. The dead and dying should have the honors, not me……

Panel 2

Lupus’ face looks as in remembrance. Shot from the waist up.

Dialogue:
Lupus: BUT WAIT! The soothsayer! Yes, how could I forget?!
Panel 3

Look of conniving on Lupus’ face. Full body shot.

Dialogue:
Lupus: Hah, I guess the party will have to begin without the ‘guest of honor’, heh.
If what Harnuphis said was true, then the Legion will have to do without Furios Lupus……….

[Trey of Diamonds]

I’m not fond of project the moral pain and suffering felt by modern man onto historical figures. Would a Roman Centurion feel bad that his comrades had died in the service of the Emperor or would he be honored that they had sacrificed their lives. Marcus Aurelius was much loved by his legions and I doubt anyone serving under him would have felt this way.

Also, I am not sure that Centurions wore chainmail. They would be in a breast plate.

Sorry, but I am an amateur historian and I tend to get too nitpicky when it comes to historical research.

[mythic]

[QUOTE=Trey of Diamonds]I’m not fond of project the moral pain and suffering felt by modern man onto historical figures. Would a Roman Centurion feel bad that his comrades had died in the service of the Emperor or would he be honored that they had sacrificed their lives. Marcus Aurelius was much loved by his legions and I doubt anyone serving under him would have felt this way.

Also, I am not sure that Centurions wore chainmail. They would be in a breast plate.



Centurions could have worn chain mail. Chain mail was seen as early as the bronze age in areas such as Parthia and Scythia (in the middle east). Originally an Asian invention, there is no discernible date as to when chain mail arrived in Europe.

And I agree with the comment regarding assigning modern moral values to older cultures. Romans did not see the world the same as we do now. Life was much tougher and less valuable.

[Trey of Diamonds]

Why would the Centurion have worn Chainmail. I agree that chainmail was available during the time period and employed by the romans, but a Centrurion would have worn a breast plate. I think. :blink: I have researched some Roman miltary concepts but it has been awhile. Let me do some digging and I will get back to you.

[Trey of Diamonds]

Well, I'll be damned. Turns out Centurions resisted the move from chain mail to the breast plates. I hate being wrong. Oh well, it had to happen eventually. :cry:

Gotta love Wikipedia.

Roman Chainmail
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorica_hamata

Roman Centurion
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centurion_%28Roman_army%29

The Roman centurion was distinguished by his uniform: his armor was silvered, he wore his sword on his left side rather than his right, he wore greaves on his legs, and the crest of his helmet may have been turned perpendicular to the front. As the well known lorica segmentata armor came into use, Centurions continued to wear chain mail armor. It is believed that he also wore his decorations and awards prominantly on his torso in battle, to show his bravery to friend and foe alike. He also carried a short staff - usually a vine stave, called Vitis - as a symbol of his authority. One infamous centurion was nicknamed "Give me another" because of his habit of breaking his staff across the backs of his men.