Relief

[Knuckles]

Here is a script that I did for a contest at penciljack. The rules where that it was a five page script and had to take place in one room. I'm just looking for some feedback on the script. Thanks guys.





Relief
By Matt Palmer

Page 1: (5 panels)

Panel 1: A large wide angle shot of a young (late teen’s) girl laying on her stomach on her bed in her room. Her name is Laura and she is average looking. She is just in her underwear and is talking on the phone to a date. She is smiling and looks happy.

Laura: Ok, you’ll pick me up at eight?

Panel 2: Medium shot looking down from the ceiling of Laura, who has rolled onto her back. She is still talking on the phone. She is also still smiling and happy.

Laura: Where we going?
(link)
Laura: OOOHHH…a surprise.

Panel 3: Medium shot Laura sitting up in her bed. She is still on the phone. She is still happy and smiling.

Laura: Ok, I’ll see you at eight.
(link)
Laura: Wait, what should I wear?
(link)
Laura: I have to surprise you, now?

Panel 4: Close-up shot of Laura talking into the phone. Again, she looks happy and is smiling.

Laura: I have the perfect outfit for you.
(link)
Laura: Ok, bye.

Panel 5: A large shot of Laura dancing (running man style). She is so excited about having a date that she just can’t hide it.

Laura: YEAH!
Page 2: (4 panels)

Panel 1: A large shot looking at the back of Laura as she looks in her closet for an outfit.

Laura: Now, I have to find something hot to wear.

Panel 2: A large shot from the side of Laura as she holds up a casual black dress in front of her. She has a look like she is thinking about something. There is a mirror that is hanging on the closet.

Laura: I hope I can still squeeze into this.

Panel 3: A medium shot from the POV of the mirror on the closet door of Laura holding the dress against her to see how it looks. She has the same look on her face.

Laura: Hhhhmmmm.

Panel 4: A medium shot looking at the back of Laura as she unclips her bra. The dress is hanging on the mirror.

Page 3: (5 panels)

Panel 1: A medium shot looking at the back of Laura as she slips the dress on.

Panel 2: A small shot of Laura turning to face the mirror as she smoothes the dress with her hands. She has a slight smile on her face, but is looking down.

Panel 3: A large shot of Laura looking in the mirror. We can see both Laura and her reflection. The real Laura still has the slight smile on her face. The reflected Laura looks the same as the real Laura (hence the mirror), but has a bitchy look on her face.

Reflected Laura: You’re going to wear that?

Real Laura: Yeah…black is very slimming.

Panel 4: A medium shot of both the Lauras. The reflected Laura is laughing, but in a mean way. The real Laura looks hurt by what her other self said.

Reflected Laura: Nothing can slim that fat ass of yours down.

Panel 5: Another medium shot of both the Lauras. The reflected Laura has a very mean look on her face. The real Laura is looking down at her dress. The position and posture of the real Laura looks sad as does her face.

Reflected Laura: And maybe you should wear some pants to cover up those thunder thighs.

Page 4: (6 panels)

Panel 1: A close-up of the real Laura crying. Her head is down. Her hands are covering her face.

Reflected Laura (O.P.): Yeah, go ahead and cry…you fat ass.

Panel 2: A medium shot of the two Lauras. The real Laura is still crying with her head down and hands covering her face. The reflected Laura is antagonizing the real Laura by pulling her shirt out to make it look bigger. The reflected Laura looks angry.

Reflected Laura: Come on…come on, look at me! I’ll show you what you really look like.

Panel 3: A medium shot of the two Lauras. The real Laura has stopped cry and moved her hands from her face, but still has her head down. The reflected Laura is now wildly angry, yelling at the real Laura.

Reflected Laura: LOOK AT ME!

Real Laura (whisper): Shut up.

Panel 4: A large shot of the real Laura punching the mirror. The real Laura is yelling at the mirror.

Real Laura: SHUT UP!

Panel 5: A close-up shot of a piece of glass laying on the floor.

Panel 6: A small shot of Laura’s bloody hand grabbing the piece of glass.

Page 5: (1 panel)

Panel 1: A splash page of Laura sitting in the corner of her room. She has her dress pulled up exposing her upper thighs, but covering her crotch. Her upper thighs have old scars on them. With her bloody hand she is cutting her upper inner thigh. It’s not a deep cut, but good enough to cause blood to run down her leg. She has a relaxed look on her face.

[Mike225]

Dude, you write, too?

This is an enjoyable start, man. There's a grammatical error (Laura: I have to surprise you now?, there should be a comma after "you."), but there's something about the dialogue that bother me.

"Laura: Now, I have to find something hot to wear." seems a little too expository. How about something more relaxed, while still conveying the same message, such as, "What to wear, what to wear?"

I don't know if she'd be able to just break a mirror with one punch. It seems more likely that she would pick something up and hurl it at the mirror or knock the mirror against the wall.

Also, I don't know about the relaxed look on her face as she's cutting herself. If she's doing this to rid herself of the torment or spiting the alternate Laura, it seems that she'd have a more self-satisfied look on her face. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, good work, man. You should post more.

[chrisjohnwagner]

I thought this was a good story. I felt that is protrayed the message you wanted. I feel the relaxed look is a good representation for an obvious cutter. The breaking of the mirror maybe a little melodramatic. I mean since this girl has done this before does she buy a new mirror every week or however often she cuts. I don't want to nit pick either but I think to get any substantial blood flow from a cut on the thighs one would have to inflict a pretty deep wound.

[Mike225]

Good points, chris.

[Knuckles]

Thanks guys! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Chris about the cut, it doesn't have to be that deep of a cut on the inner thigh. Trust me on that, I see cuts everyday.

[AthenaRose]

I felt really sorry for 'real' Laura, you did a really good job on conveying her pain.

[Knuckles]

I felt really sorry for 'real' Laura, you did a really good job on conveying her pain.

Thank you Rose. Being a man, I felt it was pretty difficult to convey the true emotions a woman is faced with. I was afraid I was relying on stereotypes of women.

[Mike225]

^Chauvenist PIG!^

oops...wrong thread...

[AthenaRose]

Thank you Rose. Being a man, I felt it was pretty difficult to convey the true emotions a woman is faced with. I was afraid I was relying on stereotypes of women.

Never having faced this situation myself, I'd have had to resort to stereotypes myself. Given that you only had 5 pages to work with, as well, you needed to establish the situation quickly, and stereotypes allow you to do that. However, I also think you handled it very sensitively.

[JonHParrish]

I thought that the scrpit was going to be about Rolaids. :(

But this is good too. AthenaRose is right, you did a good job on conveying emotion and doing so in a sensitive manner. If you relied on stereotypes, I think you did a good job of making it subtle.

Good work as always. Good luck in that contest..unless it's over already.

[Knuckles]

I thought that the scrpit was going to be about Rolaids. :(

But this is good too. AthenaRose is right, you did a good job on conveying emotion and doing so in a sensitive manner. If you relied on stereotypes, I think you did a good job of making it subtle.

Good work as always. Good luck in that contest..unless it's over already.

Thanks and its over and I lost, but somebody voted for me.

[chrisjohnwagner]

I would have voted for you man well unless somebody was better

[Knuckles]

I would have voted for you man well unless somebody was better

They were all written by good writers, so all the stories where good.

But Thanks!

[KH]

i thought it was a great piece, Knuckles. Sorry it didn't work out for you.

The one thing that jumped out at me is that in Panel 1 you write that Laura is "just in her underwear." That means to me that she's topless.

So that makes the image of her dancing running man style a little on the hilarious side.

but minor issues aside it's REALLY good especially for that limited amount of space.