my story so far

[chrisjohnwagner]

This is what I have on my story so far. I know it is long, for a post here, but if you take the time to read it, I hope that you enjoy. I always like hearing any comments, good or bad.



The cursed star necklace a graphic novel by me ( a work in progress)






PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a scenic look at a lush green countryside, with rolling hills, trees scattered throughout the landscape, a bright blue sky, and a dirt road running through the middle.

CAP:
This was a time of danger.
This was a time of magic.

THIEF 1 (OP):
I see some one, an OLD MAN, should be easy prey.

Panel 2. The reader is looking right at a second thief, (PAUL). PAUL is a tall, handsome, well-groomed, bearded man, who exudes a since of leadership and confidence. Paul’s back is up against a tree, with the road behind him, so he is hidden from any on coming travelers.


PAUL:
John, wait for my signal then--

PAUL:
--Hey Eric! Get your damn head down!

Panel 3. This is a picture of a third thief, (ERIC). ERIC is a fresh-faced young looking boy, in his teens. He is looking toward PAUL (who is off panel), with a “hand in the cookie jar look”.

Panel 4. With a look of both embarrassment and anger, ERIC slouches down behind the hill.

Panel 5. The reader is looking down the road. On a packed mule, a portly OLDMAN wearing a friar’s robe comes over the horizon

SFX:
The letter should use musical notes to imply the sound of the old man whistling.


PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a side view of the OLD MAN riding the donkey, just minding his own business.


PAUL (OP):
Now John Now!


Panel 2. The OLD MAN has stopped and his head is kind of cockeyed looking for the voice he just heard.

CAP:
To travel alone was to risk one’s life


Panel 3. This panel is a close up of the OLD MAN. His eyes are wide open, with kind of a dear caught in the headlights look.


Panel 4. This panel is from behind the OLD MAN. The reader clearly sees a fourth thief, (JOHN). JOHN is a clean-shaven man, in his late twenties, with a rather noticeable scar on the side of his face, blocking the path of the old man.

OLD MAN:
I’m a just passin through.

JOHN:
You have to pay the toll first old man.

OLD MAN:
Toll? What toll? I know of no such toll.

Panel 5. This panel shows the hand of ERIC grabbing the old man from behind sending him sprawling off the horse.

ERIC:
Did we forget to put up the sign again? Oh damn.


PAGE THREE (six panels)


Panel 1. In this panel all the thieves (five in all) are going through the belongings of the old man. The first thief, who was off panel on the first page, a chubby balding man named PHILLIP, PAUL, ERIC, JOHN, and finally a large husky man, with a scraggly beard, named PETER.

PETER:
Nothing

ERIC:
Nothing, you’ve wasted my day old man. I could be drunk now


Panel 2. This panel shows the fist of ERIC slamming into the nose of the old man. The picture should be at the point of maximum impact with blood shooting out the nose of the OLD MAN.

SFX:
CRACK

Panel 3. This panel shows ERIC standing triumphantly over the old man with PAUL moving to get between the two. PHILLIP is motioning to stop PAUL.

PAUL:
Stop! Stop now.

PHILLIP:
Why should he stop the geezer don’t got squat

PAUL:
I said stop. I will handle this.

Panel 4. This panel shows PAUL kneeling over down to the fallen OLD MAN. The blood is flowing from the nose of the OLD MAN down his face.

Old man:
Thank you, thank you young man.

PAUL:
Shut up.

OLD MAN:
What but I thou- -

Panel 5. This Panel shows the facing profiles of PAUL and the OLD MAN, so close their noses almost touch.

PAUL:
I better get something from you, or I will cut out your heart.

Panel 6. This panel shows the extended palm up hand of the OLD MAN, with a cheap looking star medallion necklace resting on it.

Old man:
I see now how it is; I may have one thing of interest to you boys.


PAGE FOUR (four panels)


Panel 1. This is a thin panel that goes down the left side of the page. The picture shows the OLD MAN throwing the necklace, into the air.

Panel 2. This panel is a picture of the sky with the necklace suspended in midair. There are red beams of light that are shooting from each point of the star, across the blue sky.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING):
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

VOICE 1. (OP):
What the hell is going on?

VOICE 2. (OP):
Don’t look do not look at it. Oh shit this does not look good.

Panel 3. This panel shows a great ball of fire, in the sky, right where the necklace was.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING)
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

Panel 4. This panel shows a sky, with no trace of the necklace, only light traces of smoke.

VOICE (OP):
What happened? Oh my god what happened?


Page Five (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PETER picking up the OLD MAN, who appears to have never been hit, by his collar.

PETER:
What you do? What?

OLD MAN:
I have cursed the lot of you evil men.


Panel 2. This panel shows the fists of PETER letting the old man go.


Panel 3. This panel shows the fallen OLD MAN on the ground and PETER with a look of intense fear on his face.

OLD MAN:
That necklace rests somewhere in this valley.

Panel 4. The OLD MAN is standing up closing a knapsack (this is where the necklace now is). The thieves are listening intently, to his words.

OLD MAN:
If any man finds the necklace and wears it for one full day he will gain the power of a god.

Panel 5. This panel shows the OLD MAN, with his back to the reader, as he is walking away with his mule.

Panel 6. This picture shows the OLD MAN turning back toward the reader.

OLD MAN:
Oh yes, the necklace must be found and worn before the passing of one year, or the five of you will die.


PAGE SIX (four panels)Panel 1. The thieves have gathered at a clearing in a small forest. There is a makeshift animal skin tent, a few burlap bags containing supplies, and a place where a small campfire once burned. The thieves are in various positions sitting, laying down, etc.CAP:The thieves gather to discuss, “THE CURSED STAR NECKLACE”.Panel 2. A profile shot of ERIC, he is throwing small pebbles, at the ground. The picture should convey a sense of doubt and nervous energy in his face.ERIC:Curse? Yeah right, damn that guy was crazy.Panel 3. A close-up shot of JOHN; his head is turned to address ERIC.JOHN:The damn thing was floating in mid-airPanel 4. This is a wide shot of the entire group. The picture is similar to the scene in panel one taking into account natural movement.ERIC:Pss, it’s called a trick.PETER:Guy was a warlock we are cursed.JOHN:Damn! I knew it.


PETER:
Guy was a warlock we are cursed.

JOHN:
Damn! I knew it.


PAGE SEVEN (six panels)



Panel 1. This panel shows a shot of PAUL, with the other thieves talking behind him.

PAUL:
Oh, we’re not cursed.


Panel 2. PAUL is now looking upwards, with a wry smile on his face. The thief’s attention is now focused on PAUL.

PAUL:
I am going to be a god; that is hardly a curse.


Panel 3. PETER; with a supply bag in hand, starts to stand up.

PETER:
I have to go find star myself be a god.


Panel 4. PETER is standing, with bag in hand. Phillip, who is also standing blocks PETER'S path.

PHILLIP:
You can’t go man; you know, better than anyone, what is out there.

PETER:
I know, is why I will be ok.


Panel 5. This is a shot of ERIC, who obviously doesn’t care about the current event, sitting upon the ground. PETER’S back is to the reader as he walks away.

ERIC (sarcastically):
No, wait, don’t, stop

Panel 6. The group watches as PETER continues walking away, towards the forest.

PETER (shouting):
Don’t worry; I will be a good god.

PAUL (whispering):
Alone, you're going to stand before God very soon.

PAGE EIGHT (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PAUL packing, up a few loose supplies.

PAUL;
The oaf was right about one thing we should split up, teams of two.


Panel 2. PAUL is still packing as ERIC comes up behind him.

ERIC.
I really don’t wanna be stuck with one of those losers.


Panel 3. PAUL has turned to face ERIC.

PAUL:
You had better stay out my way boy.

ERIC:
I will you know that.


Panel 4. A shot of PAUL handing the bag he was packing to ERIC.

PAUL:
Then let’s go.


Panel 5. This is a shot of PAUL and ERIC walking away. Paul is looking back towards the PHILLILP and JOHN as ERIC walks a few paces behind.

PAUL:
We are heading south, towards the lake; you guys go north if you find the necklace find me got it.


Panel 6. A shot of PHILLIP and JOHN, they are staring each other down.

PHILLIP:
If we find that thing I will kill you for it.

JOHN:
Only if I don’t kill you first


PAGE NINE (four panels)




Panel 1. PAUL and ERIC are coming upon a small village. There are small shack like house, with small gardens and penned farm animals. The roads are dotted with merchants and their wagons, that contain their goods, and a few guards posted, to keep order.

CAP:
One week passes

ERIC:
I hope you’re not stupid enough to think those idiots we left would bring you that necklace.

PAUL:
No, that is why we’re going to the lake I am certain the necklace is in there.

ERIC:
The lake?


Panel 2. The two thieves progress further through the town.


PAUL:
That star is at the bottom of the lake, that old man doesn’t thank I can get it.


Panel 3. This panel shows the reader facing the two thieves, as they leave out the town. ERIC, who is slightly behind PAUL, has suddenly stopped walking.


CAP:
How far would you go for a chance at ultimate power?

ERIC:
The lake that should be easy


Panel 4. This is a close up shot of PAUL; he has a look of intense pain and shock on his face (he just got stabbed in the back).

CAP:
Who would you betray


PAGE TEN (two panels)


Panel 1. A top down view of PAUL, he is laying face down, with a knife sticking clearly into his back.


Panel 2. The reader is watching ERIC walk away, from Paul and the small town.

ERIC:
Thanks, but I won’t need your help anymore.


PAGE ELEVEN (four panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PETER, from behind, walking towards a very dense forest, which is away off, in the picture.

CAP:
Peter presses on in his search to find THE CURSED STAR NECKLACE.

PETER:
I got to find necklace.


Panel 2. This panel is a side view of PETER walking.

PETER:
I can’t let my friends die have to become a god.




Panel 3. This panel is an overhead shot of PETER standing on the verge of entering the dense forest. The forest resembles a rainforest, but it is much more barren, kind of lifeless.

PETER:
Only an idiot would go in here alone.


Panel 4. This shot is from behind PETER as he steps into the forest.

PETER:
I have to go necklace may be here.


.

[chrisjohnwagner]

PAGE TWELVE (five panels)


Panel 1. This panel is a shot of PETER walking, through the forest.


Panel 2. PETER has stopped to investigate a large branch mysteriously breaking.

SFX:
CRACK


Panel 3. PETER is looking all around as more and more branches are broken by little monsters that are currently unseen by PETER.

SFX:
CRACK
CRACK
CRACK


Panel 4. This panel is shot from PETER’S point of view, as he looks right upon a monster. The MONSTER is a cross between a cherub and a demon. The MONSTER small in stature has the face and body of a human, with fangs, and claws that extend from its hands. Scaly bat like wings allow for flight.


Panel 5. This panel is also shot from PETER’S point of view. The shot is much wider than the previous shot showing several of these LITTLE MONSTERS, which have now revealed themselves.


PAGE THIRTEEN (two panels)


Panel 1. This panel will dominate almost the entire page except the bottom right corner. The panel is a collage of attacks by the LITTLE MONSTERS. They attack repeatedly, over and over, as PETER continues to rip them off his body. PETER should become more and more damaged (cuts, scrapes, patches of his beard pulled out, etc.) as the panel progresses.


PETER:
Damn! Ow stop damn.


Panel 2. This small panel, located in the bottom right corner of the page, shows the hand of PETER catching one of the SMALL MONSTERS, by its leg.



PAGE FOURTEEN (five panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PETER holding the SMALL MONSTER, by the ankles. Another one of the SMALL MOSNTER flies directly at PETER.

Panel 2. PETER has swung the SMALL MONSTER that he holds in his hand. PETER makes direct head to head contact with the MONSTER in his hand and the one flying toward him. The impact is brutal obviously killing both SMALL MONSTERS.

SFX:
SMASH

Note to artist: over these next few panels the monster in Peter’s hand should become more and more damaged (blood, bruises, swelling etc.).


Panel 3. PETER uses the MONSTER in his hand to get one with a backhand.

SFX:
CRUNCH


Panel 4. PETER uses an uppercut.

SFX:
CRACK


Panel 5. Peter catches one of the MONSTERS behind him with a spinning backhand.

SFX:
SNAP



PAGE FIFTEEN (five panels)



Panel 1. This panel shows PETER standing, with the MONSTER he used as a weapon still in hand.

PETER:
I know is one more, one more.


Panel 2. This panel is a shot of Peter ducking, as a MONSTER flies right over his head, directly towards the reader.


Panel 3. This panel shows PETER snatching the flying MONSTER, out of mid air, by its ankles.


Panel 4. This Panel shows PETER holding the MONSTERS, to either side of his body. Peter’s arms are fully extended outwards.


Panel 5. PETER has clapped the heads of the LITTLE MONSTER, with a great force, that shatters the faces of both MONSTERS.

SFX:
CRASH


PAGE SIXTEEN (three panels)


Panel 1. PETER drops down to his knees obviously exhausted, with the LITTLE MONSTERS lying dead on either side of him.


Panel 2. PETER’S eyes become wide open as he catches sight of a new monster that is now off panel.


Panel 3. This is a shot of a GIANT MONSTER. The artist can have fun with this monster. The mouth must be big enough for one of the little monsters to fit right inside.




PAGE SEVENTEEN (five panels)


Panel 1. PETER stands up, with one of the LITTLE MONSTERS, in hand.

Panel 2.This panel shows PETER flinging the LITTLE MONSTER towards the giant monster, which is off panel.

PETER (SHOUTING):
I am not going to die.


Panel 3. This panel shows the thrown LITTLE MONSTER about to fly right in the mouth, of the growling, GIANT MONSTER.

GIAN MONSTER:
GROWL


Panel 4. The panel shows the GIANT MONSTER choking to death on the little monster, which has clogged his windpipe.


GIANT MONSTER:
ACK
COUGH
GASP


Panel 5. This Panel shows Peter sitting, with the dead GIANT MONSTER behind him

PETER:
At least not today


PAGE EIGHTEEN (four panels)


Panel 1. This panel is a side view of PHILLIP and JOHN traversing the countryside. They have left the beaten path, so there should be no roads.

CAP:
Months pass by still no Cursed Star Necklace.


Panel 2. This is a shot behind PHILLIP and JOHN.

PHILLIP:
I was wondering any thoughts where that vile piece of jewelry maybe?

JOHN:
Well I was think- -

PHILLIP:
Please, do not try just tell me no.


Panel 3. This is a shot looking down on PHILLIP and JOHN.

PHILLIP:
I was foolish to even ask.

JOHN:
Unless you got one then shudup

PHILLIP:
HMMPH


Panel 4. PHILLIP and JOHN come right at the reader.

JOHN:
You think we shoulda stuck together. The whole group I mean, ya know.

PHILLIP:
No, I think if we had stuck together, when we found that necklace, all of us would be dead except one. I think this way at least maybe a few of us survive.

JOHN:
Yeah… if we find it.


PAGE NINETEEN (four panels)


Panel 1. PHILLIP and JOHN have stopped. They have a look, of surprise and bewilderment, on their faces.

JOHN:
What the?


Panel 2. PHILLIP and JOHN look at each other.

PHILLIP:
I wonder why a house is out here, in the middle of nowhere.


Panel 3. PHILLIP and JOHN are now looking forward again, at a house, which is currently off panel.

JOHN:
Well don’t just stand there, let’s go check it out.


Panel 4. This is a shot of a cottage looking house right in the middle of what appears to be nowhere.



PAGE TWENTY (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows a first person view of the inside of the house. There are candles here and there, some are lit some not. Books are all over the place. A table, which sits on the middle of the floor, has several goblets upon it. These goblets have steam coming out them one even has green steam. At the edge of the table rest the bag that contains the cursed star necklace. This is the same bag the old man had after he put the curse on the thieves.


Panel 2. This panel is a first person view, through the eyes of PHILLIP, holding a book, in his hands.


Panel 3. This panel is a first person view, through the eyes of JOHN, reaching for the bag, on the table.


Panel 4. This panel still in first person shows JOHN starting to open the bag.

OLD MAN (OP):
May I help you?


Panel 5. The reader is looking right at the stunned face of JOHN. Startled, he quickly drops the bag.


Panel 6. This panel is a straight on shot of the OLD MAN. He is sitting, in a chair, behind the open door the thieves entered the house by.

OLD MAN:
Looking for something?



PAGE TWENTY ONE (four panels)



Panel 1. This panel is a wide shot of PHILLIP, JOHN, and the OLD MAN. The two thieves appear quite agitated, while the OLD MAN sits, quite calmly.

JOHN:
What’re you doing?

OLD MAN:
I should be asking you; after all, you are in my house.

PHILLIP:
No more questions, I suggest you reveal the locale of the necklace or die.


Panel 2. This panel is a close up of the OLD MAN. He appears to be in deep thought.


Panel 3. This panel is the same shot, but the OLD MAN is now glancing slightly toward the floor.

OLD MAN:
I must tell you, if I die the necklace will disappear forever.


Panel 4. This panel shows the OLD MAN looking directly at the reader.

OLD MAN:
I would guess that would make it very difficult to find the necklace, before the passing of one year.


PAGE TWENTY TWO (three panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows JOHN sweeping his arm across the table knocking off every thing on it.

JOHN:
Damn you, I say damn you to hell, old man.


Panel 2. The panel shows the goblets crashing to the floor. The artist should remember that some of the goblets did have liquid, and they are made of wood.

SFX:
CRASH


Panel 3. This panel shows a wide shot of PHILLIP and the OLD MAN. PHILLIP has knelt down, to get right in the OLD MAN’S face.

PHILLIP:
I gather you think this is quite amusing- -

PHILLIP (shouting):
You think this is funny?

OLD MAN:
Funny?


PAGE TWENTY THREE (six panels)


Panel 1. This is a close up shot of the last panel on the previous page.

OLD MAN:
Funny, I give you a chance to be a god.

Panel 2. This is the same shot, but PHILLIP is a few inches further from the OLD MAN obviously taken aback.


Panel 3. This is the same shot, but the OLD MAN appears, to be ever so, slightly agitated.


OLD MAN:
Even if you fail and die, you have had one year to prepare yourself. I have give you one year to prepare your house, your soul, whatever you need- -

OLD MAN:
--I ask you. How much time would I have been given, when you tried to rob me three months ago?


Panel 4. This panels shows shot, of a very angry looking, JOHN.

JOHN:
If I find that thing, you’re dead.


Panel 5. This panel is a top down view of the OLD MAN. PHILLIP is not in this panel.

OLD MAN:
That is exactly what I would expect from someone like you.


Panel 6. This panel shows PHILLIP standing at the door. I want him to appear to be in deep thought. I am going to lead him on a path to redemption. I want to do this very slowly through out the rest of the story.

PHILLIP:
Come on, There is nothing for us here

[kamikaze]

sorry but Im in a rush. I've skimmed it but ill give you a better critique soon as I get back.

[chrisjohnwagner]

I sure would appreciate some comments. I would like to know if I am on the write path or maybe if it just sucks altogether perhaps something in between. I am making my first attempt at a script here

[kamikaze]

I read it a few times and I think you're on the right path in my opinion. I think the flow is nice but I think that you should have dropped it a few pages at a time so it wouldnt be so long to read. We all here have Adult ADD in some form or another. Nonetheless, I dont really have many things to gripe about. Keep up the good work.

[chrisjohnwagner]

thanx for the comments. when i write more I will just post a brief summary of what I have so far and just a few pages of the new script