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KH
08-15-2006, 05:48 PM
so yeah ... i know its really long but hopefully it hooks some valiant soul and they read the whole thing. So, to you Valiant Soul, I gotta ask:

Do the concepts and logistics work?
Do the characters work?
Do you want to read Issue 2?
Any other comments etc?

EMPIRE OF THE GODS

ISSUE 1

EotG remains © Kevin Huff 2005. This script may not be reproduced without written consent of the author.

Story Arc 1 Summary

Empire of the Gods – Paradox Apocalyptica

Pitch/Summary

In the year 2007, the planet Earth will meet its destruction at the hands of an alien race that has foreseen its own end at the hands of humans.

The story follows our hero, Department of Defense/Office of Special Operations field officer, Lt. Roderick Damon, and a young, beautiful Japanese archeologist named Kyuusai on an adventure across the globe to stop the doomsday clock from striking midnight. The discovery of a fantastic technology in a Chinese pyramid seems tied to the invading alien fleet and it’s now up to Lt. Damon and Kyuusai to unravel the mystery of the pyramids and save the human race from destruction. At the same time, our heroes are threatened and hunted by Red China’s military and Triads, operating under the mad auspices of Chairman Sheng, who views the alien fleet as the return of the Dragon, and will stop at nothing to bathe the Western nations of the world in the fire of the One True Path.

Page 1

PIC 1 – ½ page shot.

Wide angle shot of the Earth and moon from space. The sun is a piercing needle of golden light about to slip below the curve of the Earth’s horizon. Three quarters of the globe are still bright with a blue/gold pristine look about it. A rich backdrop of stars hangs behind. Very 3D, poignant colors here. High Def.

CAP; I remember the nuns at Sunday School saying, “In the beginning there was The Word.” And from that Word a god popped into being, flew around his little universe for a little while, got bored.

CAP; So he imagined the Earth and all the shit that walked, swam and flew around it. Was seven long days before God rested and got a chance to just kick back and enjoy it for a few billion years.

PIC 2 – ½ page shot

Perspective shifts westward and the Earth has now eclipsed the sun leaving the planet in relative darkness. The continents are now a jigsaw puzzle of magma, cracked, stretched, sunken, on fire, glowing in the absence of sunlight.

CAP; So what happened, God? Cuz it only took half a day for it to all go to hell.

Page 2

PIC 1 – 1/3 page shot

Shot (below, right, a portion of the dying planet still in view) of an observation window (presumably looking out from an alien starship). Hundreds of shell shocked refugee humans staring at their planet burning and dying, some standing on tiptoes to get a better view. Perspective focused on a toddler with his nose pressed to the glass, child’s mother’s eyes are wide in shock. All of the adults’ eyes represent horror, fear, loneliness and the same round, wide, disturbing, unmistakable sense of shock.

PIC 2

Close up through the window on the child. The kid is doe eyed, sucking on his finger absently, watching the world recede away forever.


CAP; Thousands of years of human history and advancement shot through the skull and left to boil away in an ocean of what might have been … evaporate into the substance of a memory.

PIC 3

The kid and ship are now receding further into the distance but still quite visible to the reader.

CAP; Like the drawing board of history just got wiped clean.

PIC 4

The ship has receded further away.

PIC 5 – 1/3 shot

The ship is swallowed into a wormhole, a 2D disc of what looks like space surrounded by an energetic event horizon.

CAP; Been a fucker of a week…

Page 3

PIC 1 – full page

An aerial shot of the Chinese Great White Pyramid covered with trees and shrubs (a government effort to hide the pyramid). It is night time. A full moon hovers low in the sky blanketing the landscape with a silvery glow and casting long, eerie shadows. A dirt road leads off panel. A high chain link fence topped with barbed wire surrounds the pyramid – however, there is a spot, close up in the picture, where the bottom of the links have been bent, forming a tiny passage through. A sign warns trespassers not to enter.

Superimposed display lett; Xi’an Province, China. One week earlier.

PIC 1.1 - Superimposed

Silhoutted shot of a pair of legs, climbing the face of the pyramid. Loose rubble scrapes off and bounces down the steps beneath the feet.



Page 4

PIC 1

Boy 1 pointing towards a doorway near the top of the pyramid. It is barred and locked, a sign with Chinese characters unquestioningly telling trespassers to stay clear.

BOY1; 你 確?

PIC 2

BOY2, not more than 15 years old, lithe, strong, holding his finger before his lips and an angry look in his eye at having to tell his friend to shut it.

No dialogue (N/D)

PIC 3

BOY2 working himself underneath the barred gate, barely squeezes through.

No dialogue

PIC 4

BOY1 with a scared look on his face. Extremely reluctant to enter the pyramid.

N/D

Page 5

PIC 1

Both boys now inside the pyramid. BOY1’s zippo casts some spots of light on the walls. They’re covered in traditional Chinese stuff like dragons, angry looking warriors, etc. Not very much little stuff like swords or anything as that would’ve been plundered long ago.

SFX (on lighter); Click.

PIC 2

Moving down a hallway now.

PIC 3

They enter another smaller hall with more ornaments hanging on the walls. This time it looks to be more like pictures, or murals describing a story. A metallic dragon in the sky?

PIC 4

Everything suddenly dark as the zippo goes out.

BOY1; 咒!
BOY2; 不服?!?

Page 6

PIC 1 - Blacked out

Sound effect; Click.

PIC 2 – blacked out

Sound effect; Click. Click. Clickclickclickclickclick.

PIC 3

blacked out

PIC 4

Blacked out.

PIC 5

A pinpoint of light.

BOY1; 看!

PIC 6

A slightly larger pinpoint of light.

PIC 7

Closer more pinpoints of light

PIC 8 (slightly larger than pics 1-7)

Closer ... more pinpoints of light illuminating a wall before the two boys. The wall is flickering. The wall is a hologram whose power source is obviously waning. BOY2’s hand passes through where the wall should be.

Page 7

PIC 1

Not blacked out but a very doused picture of a chamber that suddenly doesn’t seem like the rest of the temple. The walls are not stone, but a white plastic looking substance that emits a faint milky glow.

PIC 2

The walls of the holochamber go dark and the two boys are suddenly standing (or seemingly floating) before a 12 foot high holographic image of the Earth that spins silently in the darkness. The moon, stars and rest of the planets seem very far away—except for the sun which sits very large and bright some distance away from the boys and the earth. It’s a topographical image, meaning you can see the mountains and valleys, seas, ice bergs … an amazing amount of real time detail. The Great White Pyramid of China, The Great Pyramid of Egypt, a Japanese pyramid off the coast of Okinawa, and Macchu Pichu are all exaggerated and huge compared to other features on the globe. (Think Google Earth)

PIC 3

BOY2 is pointing in excitement at the exaggerated Great White pyramid on the globe.

PIC 3.1

As the boy touches the Great White Pyramid, it’s like the image has zoomed in. Incredible amount of detail, it’s got to look almost exactly like the aerial image from page 3 / pic 1. (Idea: There also happens to be a parked humvee outside the image of the pyramid.)

PIC 4

The boys are looking at each other with bewildered amusement on their faces.

PIC 5

Pull back to show the room again with two shadowy figures suddenly standing with them.

Official1 (tagged); 妖嬈!!

Page 8

PIC 1

The guard is aiming his rifle at the two boys who are now prostrate on the floor. The first official is obviously surprised despite his anger. (NOTE: the following ital. dialogue is intended to be a translation.)

Official2; Nan! Enough!
Official1; What is this place? Why have we not seen this room before??

PIC 2

The second chinese official passing his hand through hologram of the sun with a haughty, bemused look on his face.

SHENG; Apparently, the time has come. “The dragon has taken flight in the clouds.” We must prepare its nest.

Official1; This is not the time for your renditions of the I Ching, Chairman Sheng.

SHENG; Hmm. "Death is nothing but the temporary end of this temporary phenomenon." I trust you enjoy Buddha then?

PIC 2.1 (Superimposed)

Chairman Sheng points at the guard who now has his gun pointing at official1’s head.

SHENG; Guard.

PIC 3

Floor level looking at the two suddenly shaken and still prostrate boys covering their heads as the corpse of Official1 falls near them. A good portion of Official1’s head has been sheared away by the blast.

BOY1 and 2; AAAAGH!

SFX; BLAM!

PIC 4

Still looking at the prostrate boys on the floor. A pair of black booted legs, fatigues tucked into boot, gently kicking at the corpse of official1.

Page 9

PIC 1

SHENG has walked over to and placed his head into the center of the sun and raised his arms around it. He has a very casual manner. (Need Plan B in case this story just doesn’t fit in)

SHENG; Once, long ago, we believed that there were ten suns. They were of course gods. And you know, of course, that our calendar represented the week as a period of not less than ten days. So there were ten suns and ten days.

PIC 2

Close up on the Chairman’s face barely visible, appearing to burn within the sun.

SHENG; Their mother would wash the little bastards in the lake in the East each night and then place them in the branches of the fu-sang tree. Each morning one of them would leave and travel across the sky to the great mountain in the West, Yen-tzu.

SHENG; Of course the ten suns grew tired of this and banded together and formed a single ball of light.

PIC 3

SHENG now outside of the sun, appearing to palm it with his right hand. The guard has his rifle trained on the two boys, still not moved from their prostrate position on the floor. The stars twinkle all around them.

SHENG; The sun.

SHENG; The power of all ten suns almost killed everything on our small, blue planet. So the Emperor Yao of that time kindly asked the father of the suns to revert to their old ways. Naturally, the impudent little suns refused. So the Emperor summoned the greatest archer in the land, Yi ...

Page 10

PIC 1

Sheng sits down crosslegged before the two boys. He looks content, happy, like an old man telling stories to grandchildren.

Sheng; Yi embarked on an epic quest to right the wrong of the ten suns. For they had done much more damage than simply burning crops. The sun children incited the great monsters of the land to rampage and kill and rape and destroy everything that our great great grandfathers of the Yao dynasty had built.

PIC 2 – 4 sequence

Yi, standing atop a giant lizard with buck teeth firing arrows into its skull; A hideous creation called the Nine Babies rampaging and causing people to bleed from their ears, Yi cutting the babies heads off with his sword in the middle of a village in tatters; Yi fitting the Monster of Pigs (use your imagination) ass-first onto a pike.

Sheng; They were very nasty monsters.

PIC 5

Yi aiSheng his bow at the sun in the sky.

Sheng; And then Yi, the greatest hero this world has ever known, slew nine of the suns. In doing so, Yi created new a future from the ashes of the sun.

PIC 6

SHENG picking up BOY1’s head by the chin, gently, looking into his eyes.

Sheng; But nobody knows this story, do they? Ask anyone, even here in China, “Who slew the nine suns?” and they will be stumped, think you’re mad. But the works of Homer are taught worldwide. You fear the toyless wrath of Santa, do you not? Our greatest legends have become nothing more than ash let fly in the Western winds.

Sheng; The time for change has arrived.

Sheng; “Change comes from awakening and directing men's higher natures, which originate in the primal depths of the universe and are appointed by Heaven.” I like that one. It makes sense. Every change is a new creation.


Page 11

PIC 1

Chairman Sheng’s face up close, evil, the sun and earth eclipsed and behind him.

Sheng; Today, you and I will make glorious changes!

Page 12

PIC 1 - Edges of the pic should be rounded off. Night-cam.

Outside the pyramid again and we’re staring down at the entrance through a sniper scope (held by our hero, Roderick Damon). A jeep is parked at the foot of the pyramid.

PIC 2 - Night-cam.

GUARD1 exits the pyramid dragging the bodies of the two boys.

PIC 3 - Night-cam.

Close up on Chairman Sheng exiting the pyramid.

Roderick (jagged); Oswald to GrassyKnoll. I have confirmation: President Kennedy in my sights. Await orders to terminate.

Brannick (jagged); That’s a negative. We want a recon inside the pyramid as soon as President Kennedy has left the building.

PIC 4 - Night-cam.

Zoomed in on the guard. Bodies being loaded into trunk of jeep.

Roderick (jagged); Permission to speak candidly, sir.

Brannick (jagged); That’s a negative, Oswald. This is now a recon mission.

Page 13

PIC 1 – nightcam

The jeep speeds off into the distance.

PIC 2

Silhouette of Roderick’s legs running through the grass.

PIC 3

Silhouette of Roderick scaling the face of the pyramid, not using the steps.

PIC 4

A shot of the lock on the barred door being picked and opening


Page 14

PIC 1

Roderick, in full black, night vision goggles now on. His sniper rifle leading the way through the pyramid.

Roderick; I’m inside, copy?
Brannick (jagged); You’re choppy but we got you. Recording visual. What’s all that shit on the floor?

PIC 2 – night vision mode

First person looking down at two piles of brains and whatnot and two smeared trails of blood on the floor. One of Roderick’s feet is in it.

Roderick; Goddamnit. Stepped into a river of brains and blood.

PIC 3

Roderick moving down a hallway, the light attached to his gun (or helmet) illuminates the trail of blood.

PIC 4

Further down the trail … Roderick aiming the beam of light at a wall where the blood trail has ended abruptly. The wall is flickering like before.

Roderick (jagged); Um. The river ends at a … wall. It’s not a wall.
Brannick (jagged); Repeat that, Oswald. We’re losing you.
Roderick (jagged); I repeat: the blood trail ends at a wall.
Brannick (jagged); GrassyKnoll1 to Oswald. Come in.
Roderick; Fuck.

PIC 4

An expression of surprise on Roderick’s mouth as his hand passes right through where the wall should be.

PIC 5

Roderick steps through the holographic wall.



Page 15

PIC 1 – topleft, superimposed over pic 2

Just a superimposed shot of the goggles coming off frantically.

PIC 2 – full page

Roderick standing in the midst of the solar system with billions of stars twinkling around him.

Roderick (jagged); GrassyKnoll1? Any chance you copy?

Roderick (jagged); I didn’t think so …

Page 16

PIC 1

Roderick’s silhouetted feet running down steps of the pyramid.

PIC 2

Roderick has skidded to a halt, face in shock at what he sees before him.

Roderick (tag off frame); Fuck fuck fuck.

PIC 3 – half page shot

Aerial shot from somewhere behind Roderick’s position on the pyramid. Bright lights from 20 helicopters, 6tanks, 4 humvees all converging on the pyramid.

Brannick (jagged); Update, now! What the hell is going on, Roderick?
Roderick (jagged); Can’t leave the pyramid, need a plan right fucking now. Going dark and silent.
Brannick (jagged); We’ll think of something. Stay low.

PIC 4 - Superimposed over 3

Finger pushing headset to off position.

Roderick (no tag); This is fucked.

Sound effect; CLICK

Page 17 – Full page shot

The Great White Pyramid eclipses a red, dawning sun. There is a ton of commotion surrounding the pyramid as several battalions of the Red Army have made camp. Missile turrets, tanks, jeeps, misc. military trucks, men running around doing military stuff. Etc.


contd

KH
08-15-2006, 05:49 PM
Page 18

PIC 1

Chairman Sheng and his odd cohort/chief advisor, second in command, whatever, Charles Zhen, are stalking the Brannick of the pyramid. Zhen seems to be perennially smiling, hands jammed into his leather pants’ pockets whereas the Chairman Sheng is in a state of intense focus with exaggerated gesticulations.

Zhen; I’ve been thinking about the meaning of our artifact…
Sheng; Whatever result that action produced is trivial. What the true meaning of this event is that the legends were true.

PIC 2

Sheng’s mad eyes abstractly overlooking the firey ruins of some American city.

Sheng (untagged); The time has come. We will turn the barbarian cities of the Western Powers into a firey beacon and bathe the world in blood and holy fire!

PIC 3

Charles Zhen smiling, looking up at the clouds. The pyramid behind.

CW; I suppose. Hopefully they’ll get the message. I’m more concerned that our operation here will be noticed relatively quickly. How long can we keep this a secret?

PIC 4

Sheng gesticulating madly in front of Zhen.

Sheng; Have you been listening? There are no secrets! There is no Jesus! There is no Allah!

Sheng; There is only Yi! And I will be the first to fire the arrow of fire and let the world understand, unequivocally, that there will be a change!

PIC 5

Sheng pointing at something in the sky, his eyes a mix of fury and surprise.

Sheng; What the fuck is that?

Page 19

PIC 1

A helicopter (visual reference (http://www.army-technology.com/projects/comanche/comanche2.html)), decked out in black antiradar material, as silent as they come, is landing about 100 paces away from Chairman Sheng and Charles Zhen. Zhen has his sword half unsheathed and is advancing towards the aircraft while Sheng stands in defiance. The grass is wind swept away from the helicopter.

PIC 2

An elderly gentleman steps from the helicopter. Grey hair, yet very athletic still. Good looking. Wearing dark sunglasses and a suit. He’s not smiling.

PIC 3

Zhen’s sword is right at the man’s throat. The man just stares calmly forward.

Brannick; Chairman Sheng. There is a satellite in geosynchronous orbit monitoring every thing that happens. If you kill me, my organization will turn you and your pyramid into glass.

PIC 4

Sheng staring coldly, evilly at Brannick.

Brannick; One of my men is trapped inside your pyramid. He will exit. We will get aboard the helicopter and then we’ll disappear into the sky.

PIC 5

Sheng staring in fury at Brannick. Brannick still all calm resolve despite the extremely deadly looking blade at his throat.

(No dialogue)

PIC 6

Sheng still staring coldly at Brannick but with one hand points towards the pyramid. A couple of chinese soldiers running up to the entrance of the pyramid.

Page 20

PIC 1

Roderick Damon, (this is the first time we’ll see him without his helmet and mask on so…he looks like Mekhi Phifer) escorted by two heavily armed chinese soldiers walking towards Sheng, Zhen, and Brannick hands behind his head. Perspective should be bird’s eye view and far enough away from Roderick that you can’t see the expression on his face. Brannick gesturing towards the helicopter.

DAMON; This is the trump card of unorthodox rescues, you know.
Brannick; On the Ghost. Now.

PIC 2

Brannick staring down Sheng and Zhen as he enters the helicopter.

PIC 3

Perspective looking down on Chairman Sheng (and Zhen) still furiously staring upwards as they fly away. Zhen leaning on his sword nonchalantly.

PIC 4

Close up on Sheng’s face burning with fury.

PIC 5

Closer on Sheng’s face, into his eyes, the earth burning inside them (is there too much of this abstract eye burny shit?).


PIC 1

CUT TO Neptune, the planet.

Artist: I’m guessing things *should* be pretty dark out in here at the edge of the solar system. I’m not sure how Neptune is illuminated at this point but if that’s an issue, it would be possible to somehow use the lightsail starship in the following panels as a source of light. Would the light sail be reflecting an intense measure of light this far from the sun?

Caption: Neptune.

PIC 2

A shadow (there’s the light problem), insanely huge if you think about it, is cast across the planet. The source of the light, and subsequently, the shadow is a light sail. It will be circular in shape and pulling an enormous starship. The starship’s configuration and engineering is still in question. Definitely something I would love to talk with someone about before I set anything in stone. It should, however, be able to house say a fleet of small spaceships designed for close combat and ground invasion.

PIC 3

The Light sail and starship have moved into view, traveling slowly and silently through space. To sense movement and to grasp the size of the thing, the use of the nearby planet Neptune and the shadow falling across its surface should be used.

Pic 4

The perspective has swiveled now to behind the starship with more of the planets in view. Jupiter for sure with the sun in the background. The starship moving like a reverse dart towards the sun.

END ISSUE 1

KH
08-17-2006, 05:05 PM
um... i guess i need to take drastic measures.

FREE DANCING BANANA TO ANYONE THAT GIVES MY SCRIPT SOME LOVE!

:banana:

chrisjohnwagner
08-23-2006, 10:28 AM
I like the premise for this story. There are a couple of minor things I would offer as advice. The first thing is use colons not semi colons when your writing your dialouge. The second is purely a point of my own personal prefernece. I would eliminate your first two pages. I know what your trying to do, but I just don't think it works here. I think that you should maybe put a little more into introducing the two protaganist. I honestly cannot remember anything about the Japanese archeologist. That being said yeah I think I would give this one more issue. I really think if done right it could be real good
by the way thanks for the dancing banana

KH
08-23-2006, 11:33 AM
You rock Chris! :banana:

I'll definitely give some thought to reworking the first two pages and throwing it onto the end of the arc.

I don't do captions and thought balloons too well. I like to drive the plot with dialogue or heck, no dialogue. Leave it up to the artist to tell the story. So it must be kind of weird to start the whole thing out with cerebral captions and then switch to no thought caps at all.

Oh and the Japanese archeologist (Kyuusai who is mentioned in the summary) gets introduced in Issue 2.

I wanted Roderick Damon, the main character, to unfold slowly over the course of the series. But I see what you mean about him just sort of appearing and entering the story. Definitely something to think about.

omega sentry
08-25-2006, 12:02 PM
" Empire of the Gods" I've seen that name some where before...not sure if it was a book or movie. other wise I like it, but I'm not one to check sp.

Trey of Diamonds
08-25-2006, 01:27 PM
" Empire of the Gods" I've seen that name some where before...not sure if it was a book or movie. other wise I like it, but I'm not one to check sp.

H.G. Wells wrote the books "Empire of the Ants" and "Food of the Gods". Maybe you are thinging of them? There was also the movie "Empire of the Sun".

KH
08-25-2006, 03:26 PM
This is a great point that I've had to give a lot of thought to.

When I came up with the name, I did a pretty comprehensive google search for "Empire of the Gods" and came up with one VERY obscure book written about the occult that shared the same title. i have no idea if my story infringes on it but i'll definitely bring it up if this thing goes anywhere.

EotG is a commonly used term used in reference to a lot of ancient empires --- especially the Egyptians.

My biggest worry is that it sounds a lot like Greg Bear's "Hammer of the Gods" and honestly I have to wonder if the fact that the Earth gets killed (by alien forces) in both my story as well as Bear's will be a copyright problem. If so I'll gladly change the title of my story to something less infringing like "Plan B."

anyone actually like it though?

nefariousderringdo
08-26-2006, 01:20 AM
Hey KH,

you've done me one, and so I decided to take stroll around your script and see what I found.

First of all, When you introduce the Pyramid, think about how much information you can put into a page, even without decompression of the narrative this is simply too much information on each page. If you are going to show a full-scale rendition of the earth, replete with the seven wonders of the world (i'm paraphrasing) that should be ONE page, but also within the first ten or so pages you have shown the earth numerous times, While on the right track think about adding the graphics to the b/g or spacing them out more. Same goes for the dialogue, traditionally each page should hold about 240-260 pages of words, plus pictures. With digital lettering that's probably up to 300-320. If you have someone talking about the fate of the world (which is important) and then someone getting shot in the face (also important) on the same page, the impact of both is going to be deadened by the fact that there are two HUGE emotional goings on that should be the exclamation point to the page, and not just an also-ran.

As well, your panel descriptions, while good, and mostly informative need to to be more explanatory when dealing with references. At the beginning when the two chinese kids enter into the pyramid and along the walls are pictures and calligraphy you skim over those descriptions fairly easily. Having gone looking for artists myself I could assume that the average artist isn't knowledgable in chinese history, and 'specially in chinese secret history. the I ching itself isn't an easily interpreted divination tool, so give the artist pic references and detailed explanations. It would look silly if the artist drew it in an Arthurian style when we are dealing with Chinese history, and even that changes from dynasty to dynasty.

some terminology could be changed as well for the letterer and the artist. bubbles that you have termed as crackled (i think) would be better termed as radio bursts, that way the letterer knows and the artist knows that the bursts are going to take up more and different space than regular bubbles.

I like the story, but I think you have enough story here for two, maybe three issues. It's intense, and I know that the urge to get all the cool shit out is really hard to ignore sometimes, but you've got to think of the whole ogn as three parts, beginning, middle and end. and each issue(or chapter) should also have a beginning middle and end, so in effect you have several stories under one full story. This is how you introduce new plot threads, tie other ones off and fully round out your characters and make people give a damn about them, then of course in the end, you gotta have the explodo and there's nothing wrong about that.

An exercise I do to keep everything straight is to take a piece of paper, title it issue one, then write down the thing that you want to happen in issue one, the resolution if you will. then branching off from that MAIN POINT you put in every other detail, settings, characters fight scenes and pieces of dialogue. Then you try and connect the pertinent ones with a sentence of what's GOING to happen...

once finished, go to the fridge, grab a beer(soda will do as well) and look it over.

Does it make sense?


anyway, that's my two cents... hopefully it's helpful.

Erik

P.s. don't worry about copyright issues, you can't copyright an idea, but if you decide to throw spider man into the mix, then you're asking for trouble.

nefariousderringdo
08-26-2006, 01:28 AM
as well,

The solar sail you're talking about sort of exists, in theory anyway, but it works by microwave.

neptune would also not be a viable option for a solar sail to fly to, so this article might help you out.

http://www.newscientistspace.com/article.ns?id=mg18524846.500


cheers

KH
08-26-2006, 07:35 AM
as well,

The solar sail you're talking about sort of exists, in theory anyway, but it works by microwave.

neptune would also not be a viable option for a solar sail to fly to, so this article might help you out.

http://www.newscientistspace.com/article.ns?id=mg18524846.500


cheers

well yeah but i was thinkin' it was an alien tech solar sail... which means anything goes, right? :nyah:

KH
08-26-2006, 07:38 AM
Hey KH,

you've done me one, and so I decided to take stroll around your script and see what I found.

First of all, When you introduce the Pyramid, think about how much information you can put into a page, even without decompression of the narrative this is simply too much information on each page. If you are going to show a full-scale rendition of the earth, replete with the seven wonders of the world (i'm paraphrasing) that should be ONE page, but also within the first ten or so pages you have shown the earth numerous times, While on the right track think about adding the graphics to the b/g or spacing them out more. Same goes for the dialogue, traditionally each page should hold about 240-260 pages of words, plus pictures. With digital lettering that's probably up to 300-320. If you have someone talking about the fate of the world (which is important) and then someone getting shot in the face (also important) on the same page, the impact of both is going to be deadened by the fact that there are two HUGE emotional goings on that should be the exclamation point to the page, and not just an also-ran.

As well, your panel descriptions, while good, and mostly informative need to to be more explanatory when dealing with references. At the beginning when the two chinese kids enter into the pyramid and along the walls are pictures and calligraphy you skim over those descriptions fairly easily. Having gone looking for artists myself I could assume that the average artist isn't knowledgable in chinese history, and 'specially in chinese secret history. the I ching itself isn't an easily interpreted divination tool, so give the artist pic references and detailed explanations. It would look silly if the artist drew it in an Arthurian style when we are dealing with Chinese history, and even that changes from dynasty to dynasty.

some terminology could be changed as well for the letterer and the artist. bubbles that you have termed as crackled (i think) would be better termed as radio bursts, that way the letterer knows and the artist knows that the bursts are going to take up more and different space than regular bubbles.

I like the story, but I think you have enough story here for two, maybe three issues. It's intense, and I know that the urge to get all the cool shit out is really hard to ignore sometimes, but you've got to think of the whole ogn as three parts, beginning, middle and end. and each issue(or chapter) should also have a beginning middle and end, so in effect you have several stories under one full story. This is how you introduce new plot threads, tie other ones off and fully round out your characters and make people give a damn about them, then of course in the end, you gotta have the explodo and there's nothing wrong about that.

An exercise I do to keep everything straight is to take a piece of paper, title it issue one, then write down the thing that you want to happen in issue one, the resolution if you will. then branching off from that MAIN POINT you put in every other detail, settings, characters fight scenes and pieces of dialogue. Then you try and connect the pertinent ones with a sentence of what's GOING to happen...

once finished, go to the fridge, grab a beer(soda will do as well) and look it over.

Does it make sense?


anyway, that's my two cents... hopefully it's helpful.

Erik

P.s. don't worry about copyright issues, you can't copyright an idea, but if you decide to throw spider man into the mix, then you're asking for trouble.

hmmm. so you're saying TMI?

I've already written the series out to about 5 22 - 25 pg issues. I think I need a complete rewrite on this first one though. They probably all need the complete rewrite.

thanks for taking the time to do this. :banana: